Not So Personal Diary

Too Much Like A Diary

2010-11-10T16:05:00.000-08:00

So lately I haven't written anything that I have wanted to. I've either had the thoughts in my head and not taken the time to type them here, or I type up random blog updates since I can't sleep or some other random meaningless blather.

So here I am with an actual post that's more than me just vomiting up words late at night.

Life amazes me. I'm always intrigued by its twists and turns. I'm equally intrigued at how I react to this rollar-coaster.

I am losing my job. My company decided to close down their medical division. I just so happen to work in the medical division. It was a bad bad day when they broke the news. And they had to wait to tell us until they made it public since it's a publicly traded company. That part hurt a little. It felt a little bit like finding out your significant other is cheating on you- but finding it out after all your friends (and complete strangers) already knew. I've spent the last 10 years of my life working for this company. 10 years of co-workers being a family. 10 years of work camping trips. 10 years of building relationships and creating memories. I can't help but think of how much I've changed from the Jessica that started my job as a naive and carefree 21-year-old. All the new loves and heartbreaks I've had, all the learning and personal growth that's taken place. When it all boils down to it, it feels like the end of an era. Which I suppose in a way, it is.

People are being "released" at different times. I'm fortunate to have an estimated "release date" in the second quarter of 2012. Though I really don't see it lasting even that long. It's just going to be so extremely hard to see people leaving before me. People losing their jobs while I sit around with my survivor's guilt. I suppose it can't be "survivor's guilt" if I'm ending up with the same fate, just a few months later, huh?

In all reality, I'm doing okay with the news. Mostly because it seems so far off. But everyday brings me closer to unemployment. Every moment brings me closer to that end of an era. I know that I'll be fine. I'm young and intelligent and willing to do what needs to be done. As much as the job market sucks, I'll find something. It may not be a long-term thing, but I'll find something to pay the bills until the real deal opportunity rears its head. Don't worry about me, ladies and gentlemen. It's just more of an emotional thing than it is a financial thing. And I'm tough.

Anways, a friend of mine shared a quote the other day that I love. It says "Being happy is a form of courage". And I thought long and hard about that. I tried to make sense of it in regards to my own life. I ended up with the conclusion that being happy in life is a risk. Disappointments, broken promises, broken hearts, deaths, chaos, etc- those things can break down happiness and take away your firmly knitted security blanket. So it's tough to allow yourself to be happy with the knowledge that it can be ripped away from you. I totally identify with that statement. And I choose to be courageous.

I took up painting. I'm not good at it, but it does make me feel good. And that's the important thing when it comes to having a new hobby, I think. Any artistic talent I have tends to migrate more towards the written word. Poetry, song lyrics. So my paiting isn't anything to brag about. But brag about it I do, because it's amazing! I highly suggest to anyone that feels like taking up a new hobby or finding an outlet for emotions they haven't been able to express- paint. Or cook. That's equally amazing. Unless you burn everything. In that case, just stick to painting.

Christmas is coming. And coming quickly. I really need to crack down on figuring out what to do this year. Last year was no bueno. With moving back here from Montana and the break-up with Michael, I was stuck in my selfish little pity world and didn't put any thought into anyone else. No way in the world am I not doing anything I can to make those I love feel special this year.

Speaking of this year....... 2010 has been a crazy crazy year. I flew a plane, went skydiving, made amazing new friends, had an emotional breakdown, rediscovered what family is, saw my sister return from her mission, got cable, found out I'm losing my job, spent a LOT of money that I didn't need to, raised my credit 30 points on purpose, and got completely out of debt. That's not even counting the fact that me and the familia are heading to Disneyland for Thanksgiving, and anything else that happens in the next 2 months. I can honestly say that 2010 has taught me a lot about the importance of self, of family, of friendship, of socializing, of inner strength, and of love. I have grown in the past year more than I would have thought I'm capable of. And I'm looking foward to growing even more in the upcoming years. But not physically. I'll never grow taller than 5 feet. I guess I'll settle for emotional and spiritual growth.

The title of this post (Too Much Like A Diary) has a meaning. When I was growing up, I had a diary. Every Sunday when we were younger we would write in it. We'd have "journal time" as a family and we'd all sit around in the front room spending time writing in our journals. In time, I lost the desire to keep up with my journal. I'd only write in it when I felt down or depressed. So in going back and reading those words, it appears that I was a miserable and unhappy girl/teenager. Which is untrue. Yet I'm feeling the same thing when reading recent posts. I've been posting when I'm tired and can't sleep, or when I'm feeling down, or when I just need an outlet but can't form the actual words so end up vomiting random sentences. I hate that. I'm actually quite a content person who has been sleeping amazingly lately. Part of it is that there are still worries about certain people reading my words that I'd prefer not to. But this is the world of the internet, and my blog is a part of that. I can't share with only a select few without making it "private" and locking out other people that may read my words- people that I'm not aware of. So it is what it is. Here is a post that simply and purely because I wanted to post. There you have it.

I'm going to sign off now and start on Season 7 of Monk while cuddling with my pooch.

Much Love!

Time Again

2010-11-08T22:23:00.000-08:00

Yah, it's AGAIN been a while since I've blogged. I just feel like I'm a little useless these days. Not that I'm not worth anything, but that I just haven't felt like sharing my thoughts or feelings with the world. I found my little shelter and haven't wanted to get away from that because it makes me feel vulnerable. But maybe I need to embrace the internet vulnerability since I can't seem to allow myself to depend on anyone in the real life world.

I sometimes like to stick my little ear buds in my ears and listen to music. Sometimes I'll dance, sometimes I'll stand in one position and stare at the sky, sometimes I'll close my eyes and cry. Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I feel stronger than anyone that's ever existed. Sometimes I feel happy. Sometimes I feel sad. Sometimes I feel unstable. Sometimes I feel anxious. Sometimes I feel pressure. Sometime I feel hope. Sometimes I feel hope dying. Sometimes I feel hopeful. Right now?

I feel helpless.

Helpless to save my brother from himself. Helpless to find another job. Helpless to connect. Helpless to heal. Helpless to soothe. Helpless to verbalize. Helpless to plan. Helpless.

My friend says that I'm not emotionally stunted. I try to agree with her, but can't. Stunted I am.

And some blah and blah and blah.

Much Love!

Times Are Changing

2010-09-14T21:55:00.000-07:00

Yep, things change. But I haven't changed much. At least not lately. I'm in a Funk. It is capitalized because it means something. This Funk of mine.

I explained to my Mom D the other day that I'm almost always content, with occasional times of happiness. That's more than one could ask for, I know. In my true mind, I know this.

I am a spoiled little girl when it comes to the world. People die every day from starvation, from wars, from AIDS, from everything that exists in this world that could be horrible. I also know this.

Yet I am still remain in a Funk. I know this.

A good friend of mine got married in July, another good friend is getting married in October. And another good friend of mine just had a baby with his girlfriend. And I sit outside on my step smoking and sometimes drinking and reading and looking over the yard (where I have to clean up my dog's shit in the morning) and realize that I sit on that step night after night after night after night after night.

I suppose that I STILL expect more out of myself than I am capable of. Which makes me feel sometimes empty. Where is my knight in shining armor? Where is my baby daddy? Where is any semblance of normalcy? I just feel lost at times. I know, it's typical. We all feel lost at times.

I just need to remind myself that I AM content most of the time, and happy at times. Rationally and logically I know this. Even my emotional essence knows this most of the time. Yet every now and then, I crave someone laying in bed next to me. Someone making me coffee. Someone to cuddle up with. BUT.............

I am the strong single woman, and need to cling on to that. Damnit, self! Get those romantic notions out of your head! Get those ideals of a happy relationship thrown into the gutter. Get the hopes of a little more in life run over.

I am finally admitting to it. But don't tell anyone. It's our little secret. Just you and me. Here it goes, my pathetic confession:

I'm only comfortable being single because I don't see any other way. I don't like to put my happiness on the fact that I will find my romantic partner. It's not realistic. But I AM a little bit in love with the idea of being in love. I am a little bit in love with the thought of creating life. I am a little bit in love with the Happy Ever After.

BUT.... I need to be realistic. The chances of me ending up alone are greater than the chances of me ending up with someone. Trust me. There is a love in my life right now. But I have absolutely NO trust that that love will remain. I like to pretend. Make-believe is fun! I feel comforted by the temporary love. Because though it won't remain, it's at least real.

Okay. I'm done. NOT my normal higher quality of posts, but I needed to write something and there were some thoughts brewing in my brain. Forgive me for being ME.

Much Love!

I lied. I wasn't done. I just threw on my headphones and danced all around my house. And that Funk went away for now. I forget that music renews my vows to myself.....

Much Love (once again)!

Dreams

2010-08-16T01:50:00.001-07:00

I have figured something out about my life, and it may or may not apply to others. As I'm trying to write my blog for me and only me, it's no concern of mine whether it's true to others or not. But since this is MY space and it's the only thing that's completely all about me, I'm throwing it out there.

I have come to realize that I like dreams. And I don't mean the stories that populate the brain while sleeping. I mean dreams as in desires or fantasies.

In the book "The Alchemist", there is a part that I loved so much that I wrote it down in my Thought Book- where I write down the sentences or paragraphs that strike my fancy from books that I've read or things that I've heard or even thoughts that I've had myself that I realized were great. In this book, basically, this boy is on a journey and has a conversation with an older man. The boy asks the man why he's never been to "Mecca" as the man has always dreamed of going there. The man explains to the boy that he does not want to actually go to Mecca because he likes to dream about it. That the reality would ruin the dream. That actually being there and seeing it would make the dream itself worthless.

I love that.

There are those things that I dream about but would never actually want to happen since it would make the fantasy a reality. And I don't care how many people want to believe that realizing your dreams is the only happiness in the world, it's not mine.

I personally believe that we all need something to hope for while fully knowing it will never happen. Or for the more intelligent people, knowing that if it does happen then there's no possible way it could measure up to what we set ourselves up for.

Some of these "dreams" that I have could be complete realities if I chose to make them so. Most of them would involve an extraordinary amount of time to see realized. And the thought of spending so much time just to have a wonderful ideal crushed is absolutely not worth it to me.

Like the older man in "The Alchemist", I like having my dreams remain pure and untainted. Which makes them unattainable. Yet I feel absolutely no sadness in that. I feel that by holding on to those dreams and keeping them pure, I am paying them more respect than I would if I actually obtained them and no longer had that sparking light to fantasize about.

Nobody can take away your dreams but yourself.

Much Love!

Change In Direction

2010-08-13T23:10:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting here in my little work-chair with wheels on it (which is usually at my work computer, not this old POS laptop I'm typing on now that sits on my filing cabinet) and realize that my floor is slanted. Every time I try to type I slide a little further back. Go Go Gadget Arms! Nope. Doesn't work. If only our fantasies were our realities.

Anyway...... I haven't blogged in far too long. I haven't written poetry or song lyrics or anything the slightest bit interesting in far too long. Did I lose my writing ability? Did I forget how to express myself? No.

I have realized that the things that have been on my mind lately are either silly little things that possibly only I find funny, or deep serious thoughts that I haven't felt like explaining/conveying. My mind is still there, my ability is still there, the words are still there. The only thing lacking is my motivation.

So I have decided that I don't care what I write. I used to have some crazy expectation of what my words would mean or how they would come across. I'm done with that. The title of my blog is "Not So Personal Diary". So I am going to start writing again. Writing with no expectation of myself. Nobody has to read it or care. I'm going to just write (type) and write (type). Anything I damn well feel like writing. Anything that pops into my head. Forget structure. Forget anything to do with normality. I'm tired of making sense. I'm done trying to write a blog post that means something.

From now on, my blog is nothing. Meanderings of this and that, opinions on the world, etc.

So........... thought this has already been long enough, I don't care. This is MY space. And I feel like saying something. Hate me for it all you want, I don't care. (Plus, I can just delete your angry and/or ignorant comment... Haha!)

I want to express my complete craving to punch kids in the face. Yes. You read that correctly. I don't have children. I don't like children. The only kids I like are the ones that are actually related to me. Other than that, shut them up. The whining, the crying, the pouting. Seriously? Yes, I know that it happens and you can't control them. I don't have any anger or hatred towards the Momma of said horrible children. I just hate kids. Keep them away from me. Unless they are funny and scream "She farted!!!" and then laugh. At Smith's. That's just comedy. Those are kids I like.

I got Cable TV. But I really wish I could just pick and choose the channels that I actually watch and pay only for them. Here's my reality that I'd actually pay for: The normal local channels (2, 4, 5, 11, 13), the History Channel, the Food Network, trueTV, Oxygen, MTV, Hallmark (yes, I need the occasional cheesy movie), Travel channel, the Soap channel (again, I do have a vagina and need some girl stuff every now and then), MTV2 (I LOVE Jackass.......), the Syfy channel, the Gameshow network, and................ that's it. Though I would need to keep the whole "On Demand" thing because I love me some stupid horror movies. But read on-

I went on the whole Cable TV issue because I am 31 years old and have Cable TV for the first time in my entire life. My childhood was a little interesting, to say the least. I learned how to adapt and change and be "acceptable" from a young age. I could complain and bitch and cry and be angry about it all now that I'm older and see everything in its sad reality. But I won't and I don't. I don't remember a time when I didn't feel loved. And isn't that what it's about? Yes, it was hard. Yes, it was messed up. Yes, it hurt. But.... I am capable of deciding what my past makes me. Do I decide to be pathetic and turn inward like every single person is just out to get me and attack me because I'm not good enough? Or do I decide to be simply ME. I (obviously) choose to be me. I am a little screwed up, a little distrustful, a little cynical, a little possessive, a little jealous, a little angry, a little upset. But I am also a lot centered, a lot loyal, a lot caring, a lot
strong, a lot capable of anything, a lot together, a lot confident.

Balance. I honestly believe that you can't be centered and balanced if you don't have doubt to match your faith. If you don't have a little self-doubt to match your complete self-confidence. If you don't have a bit of worry with your acceptance. Living is not living without risks.

Wow. I haven't written for a long time because I felt like I was writing for an audience that expected these amazing stories or poetic interludes or funny antics.

I'm writing for myself now. And it feels great.

Much Love!

Old Fashioned Romance vs Independence

2010-03-12T13:13:00.000-08:00

My amazing sister Rachel and I have a weekly dinner date. It's a fabulous way for us to get together every week and spend time with each other. So two days ago over homemade French Dip sandwiches and steamed vegetables, we were discussing dating. (As is know to happen when you get two single females together who are both playing the dating game.)

Rachel recently had gone on a first date with a guy who insisted on holding the door, opening and shutting her car door, etc. The typical old-fashioned romantic things that were actually once upon a time an expectation in the process of "wooing" a woman. The "gentleman" thing to do. This particular guy would rush to get the door as Rachel is accustomed to getting her own doors. And then he said "Thank you for letting me be a gentleman".

It got me thinking.

As small of a thing as it is, it gives me extreme opposite feelings in both ways. Half of me loves the idea of the gentleman, of being treated like a lady of respect and attention. The other half of me hates it, as I don't need a man doing anything for me.

Did feminism pop the romantic bubble? Does a single woman's need to be strong and be on her own always trump the desire to be romanced and treated as men with good upbringings have been told to treat her?

I like romance. I like flowers, I like sweetness and kindness, I like random expressions of feeling, I'd like chocolates if I liked chocolate. Yet I feel uncomfortable sitting in a car while a man walks around to open the car door for me. It makes me feel as though I'm agreeing to the fact that I'm unable to do anything (like get out of the car) without a man giving me permission, and the man doing the extremely hard physical labor of opening a car door since little old me can't handle it. And then I realize that I'm being silly. However, knowing that I'm being silly doesn't necessarily make the feeling go away, does it?

So how is a poor man supposed to act this day and age? I honestly feel badly for single men. Us woman are complex creatures with thoughts and feelings that are so mixed up that it's no wonder men feel like we are alien beings.

A lot of women my age were taught by our parents and society itself that we are to grow up, marry, buy a house, have babies, raise them right, and then enjoy being a grandmother. When I was younger that's honestly what I expected for myself. Now here I am. Almost 31 years old, one divorce under my belt, my only "child" being of the canine sort, renting an apartment in the Avenues surrounded by college students, and making a living of my own. I like my life. I like where I am in life. I like my stability. I like my ability to care for myself without having to depend on anyone else.

And that's where it gets confusing.

The line between independence and dependency is blurred. Yet we seem to be able to pick and choose which parts of the whole male/female thing are blurry. Flowers = okay. Car door = not okay. What????

That makes no sense. It all boils down to one simple fact: only the woman knows if she needs doors opened for her. And if she doesn't need doors opened for her, she should be comfortable with that and appreciate the gesture when a man makes attempts at being a gentleman. If she's truly comfortable with her independence then it shouldn't matter one way or another. And another thing that us independent women need to realize is that no man really thinks to himself "I need to get the car door for her because she can't do it herself". He is simply trying to be respectful. Simple.

Personally, this independent woman has figured out that I would really love some old-fashioned romance.

Much Love!

Tourist? Never.

2010-01-22T13:49:00.000-08:00

A question that people always ask others when you are getting to know them (which I'm noticing more now that I'm back in the dating scene) is: Have you ever travelled outside of the country?

It seems as if that is a defining question. As if a person is defined as a traveler, or not a traveler. Or defined as adventurous or not adventurous. So on and so forth.

I have never travelled. I've only been to a few states in the US itself, and have never needed a passport. I've never even been to Mexico. I suppose I just never had the money to travel, and now that I'm financially stable, none of my friends are. As confident as I am with my ability to be alone, travelling out of the country by my lonesome does not appeal. On top of that, I have no desire to be a tourist. To be more specific in regards to Europe in particular- I have absolutely no desire to visit Paris, or any trendy place to be a tourist.

If I were to ever head outside of the USA, my destinations would be more historical in nature. The attic where Anne Frank and family stayed. The museum demonstrating the obliteration of Pompei. The Auschwitz-Birkenau State Museum. The Pyramids of Egypt. Etc. Sure, it would be grand and fun to see the sights shown in pictures and movies. The landmarks we've all seen so many times through technology. But that does not interest me. Mindless tourism doesn't do it for me.

But... there is one place that I would love to visit just for fun. Italy. Florence, Rome, Venice. If I ever get there, however, it is not going to be a random American just coming to take a look. My goal for Italy is to actually learn Italian. Actually rent an apartment instead of staying in a hotel. Actually spending a decent amount of time there. I'd get "in" with the locals. Find the amazing and interesting locally-knows hot spots and landmarks. More like temporarily live there instead of just in-and-out quick visiting. To me, that would be more meaningful than anything else.

I found some websites online that "teach" free Italian. But free doesn't mean good. I looked into the Rosetta Stone thing, but it's super expensive. So I guess I'll just keep looking it up and cross my fingers that I eventually find something that's good. Being fluent in Italian is a goal. It's good to have a goal.

That's all for now. It's just been on my mind with the whole dating "getting to know you" game.

Much Love!

Trying!

2010-01-14T22:47:00.000-08:00

I feel like I NEED to blog, but don't have anything substantial to say. It's quite odd. Feeling the need to write something down, but unable to single out a thought from a scrambling mind....

I miss Montana. Not because of Michael, but because Montana is slow. Meaning people drive slow, people move slow, life is slow. I liked that. I liked that a lot. I'm not a person that is happy with a fast-paced world. I like to stop and smell the roses, if you will. And it just seems like back here in Utah, it's all GO GO GO GO GO GO GO. Make something of yourself! Be as social as you possibly can! Date! Drive! Run! Etc.....

I don't like expectations.

I suppose it's mostly that I have a hard time depending on people, as well as having a hard time being depended on. I love and care. It's true. But it takes a lot for me to actually come out of my shell (my Crab shell, apparently) and be a support system to anyone else. I feel like I'm attempting a backflip on a balance beam without any experience. I don't know how to balance out my independence with admitting that I need anyone. And I don't know how to balance out my caring and love to others without being too protective or too judgemental of others that may hurt those that I love, while also ignoring their phone calls because "I'm not in the mood to talk".

Basically, I am just one confused and probably misunderstood woman. I have a plan in place to figure out what is bothering me. I have something going on to help me know what I need to do. My last few blogs have been about missing parts of me. I am going to find those missing parts. I am going to grow and learn and experience and love.

And to clarify- I am not sad. I am not living in self-pity for anything. I am not depressed. I am just contemplating life, which is a habbit of mine. (And actually should be a habbit to all.....)

Anyways, I just wanted to blab for a bit on how I miss the "newness" (did I just make up that word???) of Montana, and that I am still constantly trying to find my own place in this existence we call "The World".

Much Love!

Insomnia The Sequel

2009-12-30T01:28:00.000-08:00

So I sit here again after battling with sleep. When it really boils down to it, I am weak and my desire to sleep never kicks the ass of my inability to sleep. The side-affects of having an active mind. Time for bed? NOPE! The brain decides to keep on churning out its chaotic butter. Damn the active mind!

The door is cracking and the ceiling is creaking. My dog is snoring and I'm not sleeping.

I am in love with the thought of being in love. But only the thought of it. The reality of it terrifies me. I am content with my apartment and my dog and my sole control of the remote and my ability to keep the heat how I want it and the lights glowing until it's bedtime. I am strong and able and confident being alone. And I am in love with the THOUGHT of being in love..... Complications galore, my dears.

I dream crazy dreams where people combine into one. Many people in my life combined into one person. Or many people in my life where in my dream they keep changing characters. It's this person, and then that person, and then this other person, and then that new person, and then... you get the point. A friend told me that I'm trying to create the perfect person in my dreams. That the changing people, or combined people, mean that I'm trying to take the best parts of everyone and making them one perfect person. The truth? I have no idea. Dreams are just dreams. Everyone thinks differently so how can one person's dream have the same meaning as another's?

Okay, so speaking of dreaming- I am now going to try again to sleep. And dream my crazy dreams.

I was going to apologize for the random blog, but it's MY blog and if you read it- you read it for a reason. Including my crazy sleep-deprived attempts at forming a thought.

Much Love!

Insomnia

2009-12-03T01:10:00.000-08:00

It's 2:11 AM as I start to blog. I've been trying to sleep for the past two hours, and sleep is playing a mind-reader's game of hide and seek. It hides, all I can seem to do is seek. So after lying there turning from my left side, to my right side, to my stomach, to my back, and over and over again, I realize that sleep is not cuddling up to me tonight and I may as well share my nightime meanderings.

Utah feels weird. All the sights are familiar. All the people are comfortable. I've got some new furniture, but an old soul. I've got some new neighbors, but the same old story. Jessica. Single. Alone. Independent. Looking for something to fill the hole inside me.

On that last statement, I will now go further. I don't know what my "meaning" is in life. I don't know what role I am supposed to fill. I keep trying and will never give up on anything that I feel is important enough to strive for. But what is it that I really desire? Sometimes it just seems like I float through life with no ambition, or motivation, or knowledge. As I've stated before, I took a chance with moving to Montana. And if felt good. It really did. But is picking up my life and moving everytime I feel unsettled the way to go? Do I just bounce around from city to city, town to town, state to state? Just hoping that I finally find that feeling of belonging? That feeling of peace? That feeling of I'm where I'm supposed to be?

I think that's why it was so easy to move to Montana. I was bored in Utah. I wanted an adventure. I wanted to actually take a risk in this life that has always been so predictable for me. I wanted an excuse and reason to do something MORE. And now here I am, back in Utah. Back where everything is boring and comfortable and predictable.....

Lack of slumber, lack of emotion, lack of culpability. I'm lacking, if you will.

Who the hell am I? Am I Jessica the friend? Am I Jessica the family member? Am I Jessica the ex-girlfriend? Am I Jessica the dog-owner? Am I Jessica the initiated? Am I Jessica the explorer? Am I Jessica the gambler? Am I Jessica the lone wolf? Am I Jessica the writer? Am I Jessica the sacrifice? Am I Jessica the hopeless? Am I Jessica the hopeful?

I have no idea. I want to find myself, but how does one go about doing that? The typical response would be "spend time alone", but I already do that (and have been doing it for the past 7 years or more). I guess that in the middle of this December night, I'm praying to a God I don't necessarily believe in that I can find a way to live a life I actually want. A life that's MINE. A life that will satisfy me. A life that doesn't include or exclude anyone or anything. A life that fulfills. Please, I'm praying. I need to get a life. (Pun intended.)

I will wake up tomorrow and work my 8 hours of work. I will watch my TV show. I will talk to people on the phone and/or over text. I will go to the store to replenish my groceries since I've been cooking a lot. I will pet my dog. I will say hello and be cheerful to anyone that I come across. I will put together the two bookshelves that my Mom D gave me for early Christmas. I will unpack the rest of my boxes. I will feel proud that my apartment looks good. I will walk around in a T-shirt with no bra, and boxer shorts, when I'm officially home for the night. I will make myself lunch. I will do the dishes. I will check CNN to see if anything interesting is happening in the world. I will put a piece of paper through my shredder since it makes me smile. I will look into what I'm wanting to do for Christmas and hope there is time to finish it. I will spend money on something that is needed to complete said Christmas presents. I will put my clean pants in their respective spots in my closet. I will update my Facebook status. I will take a shower and brush my teeth. I will drink a bunch of glasses of milk. All this will be done tomorrow, and it doesn't mean much of anything to me. Because I am lost.

The crazy thing about it all is that though I do miss Michael, I don't think about him very much. Out of sight, out of mind. Horrible, I know. The end of a 2-year relationship should have more of an impact on me. I mean it does, but it doesn't. I suppose most of that is that I wasn't ever his Number One and I always knew it. So I suppose I prepared myself for this, expected it even. When you expect something to happen and it does, it's hard to feel shocked or amazed, or even completely sad about it. Damn, that's a hard one to explain. Because I do feel sad, but I don't. Blah on that subject. Emotional complications galore.

I want to learn to play the guitar. I want to write my book. I want to groom dogs. I want to walk on the beach. I want to go on a cruise. I want to lose weight. I want to shoot my 9mm. I want to get a new "look". I want to listen continually to the cast of "Glee" on youtube. I want to find my MP3 player. I want to staple papers together. I want to find a perfume that I love. I want to sing karaoke without feeling ashamed. I want to stop doing everything for other people. I want to love someone that loves me back just as much. I want to get a second dog. I want.....

Okay. This blog is getting way too long. I just CAN'T SLEEP. I'm going to take Sunni on a walk around the cemetary that I live across the street from. And think think think think think think think think think think.

Not just temporary satisfaction, but long term contentment....... Who is Jessica and what does she really want from life?

Much Love!

Importance

2009-11-23T12:20:00.000-08:00

I firmly believe that none of us will ever know the impact that we have had on other people and their lives. I will always think about numerous people that affected me and meant something to me in one way or another. And I'm pretty sure that none of those people could imagine that they still exist in the occasional thought of mine.

Friends, relationships, acquaintences. Some good, some bad. But those people helped make me who I am today and I will never forget them. Ever. And I wish that I could tell some of those people just how much they meant to me, and just how much importance they actually did have in my life.

Due to the wonder of modern technology (aka: the internet) and of modern websites (aka: Facebook), I have been fortunate to get back in contact with some of those people. And I have been able to communicate to them just how much they meant to me, and will always mean to me.

And there is a flip side to that.

I am being amazed. People that I thought I was just another face in the crowd to are opening up. I am getting closure on some things. I am being reminded of so many good times that I have forgotten about. And I am getting reminded over and over again that I am and always will be loved. It's completely blowing my mind, to be honest.

There are people that I knew from years and years ago that were so extremely important to me. I loved them. And amazingly enough, I am constantly being made to see that I wasn't just a little blip on their radar. That their love for me was equal to my love for them. It wasn't just a one-way street. I know that it may be silly to even think that it was ever that way, anways. But I think we all have a bad habbit of diminishing our importance to other people.

I may not be communicating very clearly what I'm trying to say, and I apologize.

The point that I'm trying to make is this: Just as I hold people close to my heart, those same people hold me close to their hearts. And for that, I am honored.

Much Love!

Signs? Omens? Chances?

2009-11-19T12:24:00.000-08:00

So here I sit in my home office for the next week. And then I'll have a new home office. Decisions had to be made.

I believe that we all have energy, and the energy we have is stronger than anyone can even imagine. I also believe that using that energy when it comes to making choices can show you the way. Or at least lead you in a certain direction.

When I was deciding whether to move to Montana or not, I saw all sorts of signs. I kept an open mind and kept my eyes open. There's a long list of things that made themselves apparent to me that Montana was the way for me to go. And though it's ended, it's ended well. I've had a great time out here in Montana, seen some amazing things, met some wonderful people. I have NO regrets on moving here. Not one.

So in figuring out where to go and what to do NOW, I've again been keeping an open mind and keeping my eyes open. And the new signs are all around. Certain names continually popping up, certain places, certain thoughts. Even people are having a crazy influence on my situation.

I am moving back to Salt Lake. For now. I have a storage unit that needs going through, I have some other things to take care of in Utah. Until I move again.

Things came together for me. I found an apartment in one day that will allow me to have Sunni and have a 6-month lease. I got all the utilities scheduled for hooking up in one day. The U-haul trailer is a LOT cheaper than originally assumed. My car has a ton of brand new stuff so it's been reborn and ready to drive to Salt Lake. Michael is gone this weekend which gives me the whole time to have the house to myself and pack. I marvel about how smoothly this is all happening. It truly blows my mind.

But I only intend on staying in Salt Lake for the 6 months. I am single, with nothing tying me down anywhere. I am lucky enough to work from home where I can simply pick up and move without any complications with my job. And I feel nomadic. Staying in one place for too long holds no appeal to me. At least staying in Salt Lake for too long holds no appeal. I've lived there pretty much all of my life. And though Salt Lake will always be "home", it no longer draws me or makes me feel like that is where my life is to be lived.

You see, I have evolved. I have taken a step out of my comfort zone and found that I LOVE the challenge. I love doing something that I never expected I would do. I love experiencing different things instead of just "knowing" how things are going to be. So I am taking chances. I refuse to be stuck. I have blogged before about feeling stuck. That's Utah to me. Stuck. And I hate stuck.

I am going to LIVE my life, instead of just having one. In 6 months, you'll find me somewhere else. Because I'm reading the signs.

Much Love!

BTW

2009-11-15T23:21:00.000-08:00

By the way- I am back.

Much Love!

The Game

2009-11-15T20:12:00.001-08:00

I am just recently single and have NO desire to date right now. The thought of dating makes me want to wretch. Sometimes it just seems so futile- you date, you fall in love, you move in, you move out of state for them, you get dumped on your ass. What's the point of the two years you spent with them? But.... you learn, you love, you have good (and bad) memories, you connect with someone for a little while. And then it's all gone and you have to rebuild your own life. Which sucks. BUT.... you did learn, you did love, you do have new memories, you did connect with someone.....

Let's face it, there are always little parts of yourself that you change/lose/adapt/compromise/etc when in a relationship. So you don't like to talk on the phone, but your significant other feels they need that. You end up making an exception and talk on the phone to them. You don't like a certain type of movie, but they REALLY want to see it. So you sacrifice and go to the overpriced movie theater, buy overpriced popcorn and an overpriced Coke, and see the movie with them. You don't feel cared for enough and need a little bit more. So they adapt and give you more attention. See? It's all a battle. A personal effort. And then when its taken away?

You rebuild yourself as a single person. You go back to those traits that you could only enjoy as a single person without having to worry about anyone else. You resort to thinking "who in the world was I?" when realizing just how much you were willing to sacrifice for that someone. And then you transform into someone else. Not necessarily a "selfish" person, but a person who only has themself. I am only me now. I make my own choices with no outside influence or worry. I do whatever I want to do without having to "report" to anyone. And since it's so fresh and new, it's lonely. I don't WANT to only think about myself. I don't WANT to do what's good for me and only me. But I will. Yes, I will.....

At this stage of life, I'm exhausted by doing so much on my own. A partnership should be equal. Equal responsibilities, equal chores, equal sacrifice, equal caring, equal respect. And I really mean ALL of those things (and more) should be equal. Sure, date the "responsible" guy, but where does that really leave you emotionally? Empty. That's it. Empty.

I'm not empty.

I was loved as much as He could possibly love me. And I'm proud of that and happy with that. But equally as sad is that He couldn't love me enough. But that's okay. In my own way, I didn't love him enough, either.

So life is give and take, losses and gains. If we stop playing, there's no way to ever win. It's as simple as that.

I was hurt and heartbroken. I am still hurt and heartbroken. But I'm oddly content with this hurt and heartbreak. It reminds me that I should never ever get too comfortable. That there is always going to be work to do in a relationship. That just loving someone is never enough. And that I should never sacrifice too much of myself for a small little hope of something more. I'm not worth giving up.

Sorry for all the comtemplation. I've just had a lot of thoughts in my head and writing them down (or "typing" them down) relieves some of my brain tension.

As Annie says "The sun will come out tomorrow".

Much Love!

Books And Other Things

2009-11-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

I read a LOT. And it's mostly the dumb non-fiction murder mysteries and the like. And I have a theory about reading.

It's sad.

Because I read so fast that I get involved in another world and get excited to get back to that other world during work breaks, or on weekends, etc.

But since I'm such a fast reader, it's done. And when I finish a book, I feel at a loss for a bit. I liked that dreamworld that I existed in for the time that I was there. I liked the images that came into my mind and the worlds I imagined. I liked the knowledge that I was safe in my own comfortable little world while reading about people that were going through some traumatic situations. And then it's over and done and it makes me sad.

Keep in mind that I'd rather read a book than watch TV (with the exception of my two shows I watch which total an entire TWO hours during the whole week). I devour words and books like I'm a starving Bohemian thirsting for a drink. I prefer to imagine my own worlds, which can be done with books. Instead of SEE a world that someone else has created for you with watching movies.

Granted, I LOVE my movies. So maybe I'm not making sense.....

I love the fact that by reading a book, I can still use my imagination. Adults apparently forget how to use that. By reading a book, I have to imagine the neighborhood, what the people look like, what the police station looks like, etc. I get to be a kid again, in my own way. And I will never give that up.

But.... my point is that I love reading so much that I feel sadness when I finish a good book. Because it's over.

But..... on the other hand- sometimes things are better off being "over". Michael and I have broken up. We are friends, but not together due to some actually ridiculous circumstances. Which is okay.

I need to fly. I need to stop caring so much about someone else that I put my own life on hold for them. That I follow that person to some crazy small town and all that. I don't regret what I've done for a second. I really don't. I've had a great time and enjoyed some new things and taken a chance. And Michael and I will always love each other in our own way. Yet.... I need to fly.

And I like having wings.

Much Love!

I Try

2009-10-23T02:48:00.000-07:00

I really try to not "hate". I honestly think that "hate" is a hugely negative thing. Yet, I find myself hating. Any normal person hates things. Like glitter, or computer viruses, or stale potato chips, or CNN, or airplanes, etc.....

But I have a Hate in me for a person. And it disturbs me. It's been a while since I have actually Hated a living human being. Though I can't really say that, because I have actually Hated this person for a while. (Yes, I capitalized the word "hate" for a reason.)

And I wonder what I am becoming. If I feel so much hatred towards someone, what does that make me?

I have always been sweet and caring. I have always tried to be accepting. I have always been proud of my heart. I have always been accepting of other lifestyles, and personalities. I am open to other peoples' religious beliefs and thoughts and feelings. I have always respected my familial obligations. So much in fact, that I'm closer to my honey's family that HE is. People generally like me. I'm sweet and conversational to the grocery store checker. I joke around with the random old guy at the gas station. When my order is right at Taco John's, I let them know how much I appreciate it. I am a good person.

So why do I feel so guilty for Hating a particular person? I shouldn't apologize for hate, right? It's deserved. I promise y0u that. I just feel like I should be better than that. Unlike HER. Evil bitch.... sorry.

I've been listening to a mix of angry rock and love songs all night. Hell- that's complex.

I'm going to continue listening to my MP3 player. And now my sister's songs are coming on and THAT is what matters.

Reality. The love that people have for me. And the love that I have for everyone. Hate- go away. Love is more important. Welcome, love.

Though I still Hate.....

Damnit!

Some Honesty

2009-08-20T01:07:00.000-07:00

I want to write a book. I started it tonight. I have NO idea what it's going to be about, but from what I have heard/read about other writers, they had no idea where their story was going either. My book won't be a novel. It won't be anything special or astonishing, but I will love it because it will be MINE. Even if it ends up being just a short story instead of a book. It won't matter to me. I've have a TON of people tell me that I should publish my poetry. And that would be great, however..... I write for myself. And the poems that I write are symbolic and only make sense to me. And with my song lyrics? They are okay. Some are actually really good. But I can't see myself "selling" my lyrics to some studio so that somebody like Britney Spears, or whoever, can make millions off of them. Not that I'm saying what I have written as far as lyrics would ever be good enough to get to celebrity status. Not at all.

Let me just be clear here: I write poems, song lyrics, and am starting a book. I love my own writing and am proud of everything that I've ever written, because it's ME. Not because I'm this super amazing writer or anything. Some of my stuff is good, a lot of it isn't. But it's ALL good to me because I have written it all for myself.

Anyways.... honesty. Welcome to my real world, ladies and gents:

-Every now and then I'll throw my MP3 player and headphones on and dance like a crazy person in the house, and sing out loud outside. Either way, I will crazily dance, even if I'm going to the bathroom. Too much info, sorry.... but still true.

-I love pickles, but only the insides. I chew off all the good inside-ness and throw away the skins. Kinda gross, but it's my reality.

-I talk to Sunni and Mindy (our dogs) like they are actual people sometimes. Not the high-pitched dog voice, but a real voice. I tell them my problems. And then they lick my hand.

-I sleep on the couch a lot. NOT when Michael is here. Because I love sleeping in bed with him. But when I'm by myself at night, I sleep on the couch most of the time. And I have no idea why I do that. Maybe because sleeping in bed alone makes me miss Michael when he is working? I don't know. I just know that I sleep on the couch a lot.

-Netflix is pretty much my favorite thing in the entire world. Other than Amazon.com and Wetseal.com. So I guess that means that Netflix, Amazon.com, and Wetseal.com are my favorite things. As far as websites. Because I love certain people and experiences more than those websites, obviously.

-I want people to like me. I try to accept and adapt to other peoples' personalities so that I can get along with them and be accepted by them. Most of Michael's Utah friends didn't like me. And I never understood why. Now I do. And now I have met some of Michael's new friends, and they love me. And I get it. (That's a bit cryptic, I know. But apparently my blog is read by certain people that I would prefer to NOT read it, so I have to be cryptic to not say too much.)

-I need a blanket over me. Even when it's hot. It's like a comforting hug to me. So even if it's just the most thin sheet possible, I need it.

-I love horror movies and chick flicks. Um..... isn't that an extreme genre adoration? Yes, yes it is. But also, it is the truth. Those are the movies that I love.

-The last time my entire family was together was at my wedding. And I really really really want to see my mom, step-dad, brothers, dad, step-mom, sisters, and myself in one place again and take a big picture. I know it would be wierd, but it would make me really happy.

-Michael making me coffee every morning that he's home is better than getting roses. It's true. It's the small sweetness that it important.

-I crave meat. Which actually angers me. I LOVE me a good salad. More than most. I don't eat healthy intentionally, it just happens that I love salad and fruit and veggies. But sometimes I crave meat. I don't get angry about me craving meat. I'm okay with that. What angers me is that we don't have much meat in our house. So when I crave meat, it's just not satisfied. Hot dogs just don't cut it when wanting a good steak.

-Since Michael and I aren't married and have our individual bills/accounts/responsibilities, when it comes to something that I really want, I NEED to spend the money on it. It makes it mine. Not that we are going to have to worry about splitting up our things since we are doing AMAZING, it's just that I need to pay my own way. Hell, I lived by myself for 5 years, so it's just natural for me to buy things that I want when I can.

-I absolutely LOVE the smell of my baby girl Sunni. She has this scent that is only her, and I love it. It's on the top of her head. If I sniff the top of her head, it makes me happy. Like the scent of the parking garage at our old Park City condo, and the smell of our Bear Lake cabin.

-My mom adores Michael. And that makes me happy because I care about her opinion. I don't NEED her approval, but the glowing approval I received makes me extremely happy. On the same note, my dad adores Michael, too. And Michael's mom and step-dad Zac adore me. So it's good to go with las familias!

-I am agnostic. Which means I have no believe or disbelief in much of anything. Which leaves me with nothing but questions. And that scares me.

-We have a ghost in our house. But she loves us because we take care of her house. She is sweet and protective. She keeps the spiders and most of the bugs outside, and we respect her house and keep it clean. It's a win-win situation.

-I recently found out that Michael speaks VERY well of me to his work friends. Considering that he doesn't speak his mind much, I was so extremely flattered to hear from a friend of Michael's that Michael speaks so highly of me. WOW. That's awesome! I love that boy.

-I really wish that more musicals were made. Modern musicals. I love musicals, even the older ones. And the cartoon ones. Confession: "The Little Mermaid" is my favorite Disney movie EVER. Though my favorite musical of all time (so far- and people that know me are already aware of this) is Rent. I LOVE RENT.

-Last part of honesty- it's time for bed. True.

Much Love!

Some Things I Hate

2009-08-14T22:58:00.000-07:00

-While watching TV, seeing peoples' eyes move to the point where you know they are just reading their cue cards or monitors. If there are editors, why don't they catch this pathetically obvious thing? Eyes moving from right to left on TV. It's pathetically obvious. I hate it.

-The whole "wearing the pants low to the point where your ass is hanging out" trend. Boys and girls. Boys doing it makes them look like they can't even afford a belt. Girls doing it makes them look like sluts. (Sorry, but true.) I hate it.

-Tattoos that people get because the tattoo is "cute", or "trendy", or "popular", or "pretty", or etc. Tattoos are on your skin FOREVER, and if you don't get one that actually means something to you, you are dumb. Sorry, but true. My two tattoos are very very symbolic to me and my life, so they will stay that way for the rest of my life. Getting stupid tattoos..... I hate it.

-Social expectations. No matter what the social expectation is. Whether it's being fake, having kids, getting married, watching TV faithfully, etc. If you fail to do or believe in these expectations, you are odd. I'm not fake, I don't want kids, I will get married to Michael someday but not now, I don't watch much TV, etc. Any social expectation..... I hate it.

-Restaurant tables. (And the fact that I have to pull up dictionary.com to spell "restaurant" since it's one of my words I have issues spelling.) Do people not even realize that the cleaning of tables is with the same cloth that was used on 10 previous tables and it's all just pretty much swiped off? If I see someone, anyone, put their forks or spoons on the table and then eat with it, I get a sick feeling. I hate it.

-The under-estimation of musicals. I adore musicals, and don't understand the bad rap they get. It's not "gay". It's not weird. It's good music within a movie. I LOVE musicals, and the assumption that they suck? I hate it.

-Old Navy commercials. I have never ever liked a single Old Navy commercial. They are horrible, and they suck. I hate them.

-The random hair in the mouth. Whether it's from a dog, an unknown source, an "encounter" (you all know what I mean), a lint pickup, whatever. It's gross. I hate it.

-Michael Moore. People think he exposes things for what they are. But what he "exposes" is only his opinion. Hell, if I could make movies based on my opinion, that would be awesome. I could make movies, too! And be so much more a better looking "spokesperson" than him. The fact that people get sucked in to Michael Moore's opinion.... I hate it.

-Chapped lips. I am addicted to Chapstick. I have always been addicted to some form of lip moisturizer. Always. Chapstick is my personal favorite, and I NEED it. But.... my addiction to Chapstick and my anger towards chapped lips?..... I hate it.

-Snakes. That's it. Snakes. I hate them.

-Sarah Palin. Again, I hate snakes. (Haha!). I hate her/it/them.

-Snoring. Thank God my honey Michael doesn't snore. Yet.... my dog Sunni does.... I hate it.

-Government control. No explanation needed on that. I hate it.

-When a younger woman's teeny tiny dress flies up in the wind and just happens to show my boyfriend her ass. Sadly enough, it has the potential to cause weirdness. I hate it.

-The cold. If I have goosebumps (other then the good ones) then I am completely uncomfortable and I hate it.

Okay okay okay. There's still a lot more that I hate, but I should let it go for tonight. It's time for bed!!!

Much love!

Fantastic Discovery!!

2009-05-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

So when I get off work and jump on Facebook, I need background noise. So I turn on the TV. Michael and I get a majestic THREE channels. Simply amazing!

(It works for us just fine since we have Netflix. And though they say "all you need is love", I disagree. I think that "all you need is unlimited movies through Netflix". True story.)

Anyways, so while halfway watching the commercials on one of the three channels we receive, I found something that makes me feel confident that good things are actually still available in the world. This is excluding the already great things, such as: friends and family and food and sleeping and sex and pets and Montana Anti-Meth commercials and working at home and dentists and..... you get the point. So the commercial says "Want $50 for $25? Log on to blahblahblahblah.com (can't remember the website- it's saved as a favorite on my work computer) and click on 'Half off Great Falls'".

There's a restaurant that I've wanted to go to for dinner. I thought it was Indian or something like that, because the sign always advertises belly dancers. I know that belly dancers don't really mean that the restaurant serves Indian food, but in my silly mind the two go together. And though I'm not a huge fan of spicy food, I figured it would be a fun experience.

So imagine my surprise when I log on to the website and it says that I can buy two $25 gift certificates for $25. Meaning I can literally get $50 worth of food for $25. That's freaking awesome in itself. And then..... I find out that it's Greek food, not Indian. I LOVE GREEK FOOD.

So I am completely happy right now. I get $50 worth of Greek food for $25- and I can plan to go with Michael on a night when they have belly dancers for entertainment!!!

Apparently, there are more perks out here than I realized....

Next month's special deal? Gift certificates for Taco Del Mar. And I just so happen to like me some Mexican food, as well.......

Much Love!

A Tad Creepy.....

2009-05-18T23:43:00.000-07:00

So Michael and I stopped at the gas station the other night. He "gassed up" while I went inside to buy beer and a drink that Michael wanted. I went in right after a man who actually ended up following me in. He held the door for me, and then followed me around the store. I opened the little door thing in the refrigerated area to get Michael's drink and grabbed his drink. Then realized the bottle was sticky. So I went to open the door again to get a clean bottle and creepy guy was there. I attempted to shut the door so that he could squeeze by, and he made the signal to go for it, no worries. (Which meant he wanted me to bend over again for him.....). So I grab Michael's drink and start walking towards the beer area. This random girl says "Can I tell you something?" from across the store. She runs up to me and proceeds to tell me that I have the perfect body. And then continues giving me details on how I have the perfect body. Explicit details......

As I am a nice person, I thank her for the compliment. I finally find what I need to get and walk to the counter to check out. I hear "There's the hot girl again!". Apparently, the woman that adored me was just in the bathroom and not gone. So she again told me how I have the perfect body while I am buying beer and wine at the check-out.

As weird and creepy as the whole situation was- I FEEL GOOD. She wasn't ugly. She wasn't dirty. She wasn't gross. And here this woman felt the need (probably a drunken need) to tell me that I look amazing. She literally told me that she didn't "GO" that way, but if she did it would be me. Granted, she was probably completely drunk or stoned or whatever. But I choose to take it as a complete compliment.

I'm writing about it because it was one of the most random and weird things, yet it made me feel confident.

So thank you, random drunk and/or drugged out girl! Thank you.

Other than that, Michael and I made progress this weekend. We bought a lawnmower and I actually used it a bit to help mow the lawn. Michael did most of it, but I figured I should probably help out, so I did. And then we were in the mood- so we started doing yardwork together. Michael said "This is our first time doing yardwork together", and it's true. So it was nice. We have plans for the yard. And I have actually stepped in and helped, as opposed to just having Michael do it all. So that's great! I shoveled and he dug, and it's looking good. We have plans....

Anyways, it's time for bed. Especially since I'm trying to work a 12-hour day tomorrow.....

And just so people know- I HATE anonymous comments. Be yourself, that's all I ask....

Much Love!

Fascinating...

2009-05-12T21:52:00.001-07:00

So I'm watching Dateline right now. And the story that was just on it absolutely brilliant and completely fascinates me!

In Indio, California, the cops are actually getting feisty towards the homes that have been forclosed on. Apparently there is a law there that states that a property owner MUST maintain certain standards. Like no broken windows, a nice yard, etc.

So they are going around to houses that are now "bank-owned" and letting them know that they (the bank) are in violation of the law unless they take care of the problems.

So all these banks in Indio are now having to pay out the money to hire people to do landscaping, housework, etc on vacant homes.

I, personally, think that is brilliant!! I just had to share because that makes me extremely happy. The knowledge that someone, somewhere, has found a way to punish the banks that screwed people. Granted, I get VERY angry at the stupid selfish people that got huge houses just to look good, be vain, and prove how much money they pretend to have. But a LOT of people lost their jobs and THOSE are the people I feel for. No job = no money for mortgage payments. So that's what makes me happy. Punishing big business. Wahoo!!!

Much Love!

I'm Turning Canine

2009-05-11T23:04:00.000-07:00

What I mean by that is that I pretty much hang out with 2 dogs for the majority of my time. That's not a complaint in the slightest. I love our babies. I'm just going to have a hard time not meeting people and wanting to scratch their stomachs and rub their ears. (Which would be an easy way to weed out the uptight people, right?) :)

For those of you that don't know, I have horrible teeth. I found a dentist out here and have been getting some work done, and have plans on as much work as my insurance will pay in a calendar year. And maybe a even a bit more. I had one broken tooth (I know, it's gross and yucky) that I got fixed today. And I can't even explain how much better it makes me feel about my smile, and my whole self in general! I forget how nice it is to be able to smile that regular Jessica smile without covering it up. So I am feeling pretty good about things right now.

As here's something that I'm proud of- for dinner last night I made Pork Chops and Broccoli Cheese soup which was delicious. And then tonight for dinner..... I made some crazy mixture. Rice, cheese, leftover Pork Chops, leftover Broccoli Cheese Soup, and butter. I am an amazing cook, and inventor. I can cook amazingly well, and then invent something just as amazing with the leftovers! (Sorry, I'm just proud of being able to cook and then re-use the leftovers by cooking again.)

It's finally starting to warm up out here. It hit 66 degrees today, and should be 77 degrees by Monday! I am just going to take in the sun and good weather when I can, and appreciate it for what it is.

Michael and I are going to Missoula next weekend to spend the day with Michael's friend and his wife. I'm really looking forward to it. It will be nice to meet some new people and spend some time in a different place.

Anyways, I have to go because I'm getting tired. I have overtime to do this week. I'm trying to keep things updated. I know that I used to talk about my thoughts and feelings and opinions a lot more. I'm sorry that it's turned into me just writing random updates on my life. After work these days I just want to sit and watch movies and relax- and NOT be on a computer. So it's hard to get on here as much as I'd like. I suppose I should work on that.

Much Love!

Goodbye, Dear Tank Tops

2009-04-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

So it's April. And now I live in Montana. Which means that there is an inch or so of snow on the ground right now. For someone that hates the cold and loves sweating from summer heat, this is an issue.

I will deal with it, obviously. My mom teased me about how it is always cold here- and it got annoying. But now I have to suck it up and admit that she was absolutely right. It's cold here, damnit.

It wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that the wind never stops. So even when it's SUPPOSED to be 80 degrees, it feels like 70, or even 65, because it is constantly blowing. Which blows. (Pun intended!)

But on the other hand- this is the place to be if the USA is going down. Our power is not through crazy lines that come from crazy sources. As long as the Missouri River is running, we have power. And if someone were to blow up the dams, you ask? Well.... no power. But as far as being able to live- there are natural springs that just gurgle water from the middle of the Earth. Water is the most important thing needed to survive. And we have that.

Sorry, that was pretty random. I just think it's cool that my life is not entirely dependent on anything other than nature out here.

Anyways......
I'm adapting to working from home. At first I would have the TV on. But I found that when the TV is on, I actually end up distracted and wanting to watch it. So my new thing is to put in DVD after DVD throughout the day. And the good thing about that is that I'm putting in the DVDs that I've seen a billion times and can pretty much tone out. See- it's complex. I can't have silence when I am working. It drives me insane. But I can't have something on that I am really interested in. (I started getting into damn soap operas, as much as I hate to admit it. Did GiGi tell Rex that she didn't cheat on him with Brody but just pretended to so that her sister would give up her bone marrow to save GiGi's son's life since the sister wanted Rex and wouldn't be a donor unless GiGi ended it with Rex, even though it turns out that she's not even a match as a donor but knows who is and is using him- the person I don't know about yet- for his bone marrow? I don't know, because I started caring and had to stop.)

Music may be a possibility. Michael showed me how to stream music, so I may try that out once I exhaust every movie in the house. I only worry that I will just want to sing and sing and then again- have trouble focusing. See- I have this thing called a "work ethic". And this other thing called "motivation". I honestly want to do well at my job. Yes, I work for a paycheck. But I feel good when I end the day knowing that I did my job well. So I just need to find the perfect balance between background noise vs too much noise vs not enough noise. But practice makes perfect, right?

Other than that, things are normal and well here. Not a whole lot happening. We were going to see the slot car races this weekend, but I doubt we'll get out much since IT SNOWED.

I am now going to heat myself up some burritos and slather them with cheese and sour cream, and watch a movie. And then go to bed to prepare myself for more work tomorrow. Due to mandatory overtime, this is a busy week for me.

I know that wasn't the most exciting or entertaining post. Sorry. Just wanted to send another update.

Much Love!

Montanan. Seriously. Update Here....

2009-04-03T22:50:00.001-07:00

So I wondered- are people that live in Montana called "Montanans", "Montanites", "Montanians", etc. And it's true- "we" are called Montanans. I heard it on a commercial. (And everything that is on TV it true and real.)

So here I am in Great Falls, MT. It's a small town (though it's the third largest in Montana, which is really hard to believe yet still true). I tried to get lost the other day while driving around, but it's small enough that you can't really get lost in it. Plus you've got the added help that the streets are similar to Salt Lake. For those of you that don't know, Salt Lake is based on a North/South and East/West map. There's a split between the East and West sides of town, and the North and South. The further south you go, the higher the "south" you are on is. So in Great Falls it's similar though it's all Avenues and Streets. The streets run east to west and go from like 1st street to a billionth street. (I only say that because I don't know how far east it goes.) Then there's Central Ave. The streets north of Central are 1st Ave N, 2nd Ave N, etc.... and I'm sure you can figure out that it's the same going south. So though I tried to lose myself in this city (which I'm more inclined to call a town), I couldn't.

I don't necessarily DISLIKE Great Falls. I can't dislike someplace after only being there for a week. It's just that it's still winter so it looks dirty and ugly. It will pass, I know. That's why I'm holding onto the fact that I need to make the best of it and it will change.

There are no Taco Bells or Taco Times here. But if you go the 10th Ave S (the main strip), you will find a Taco John or Taco Treat on every corner. Makes me think that the average Great Falls citizen indulged in tacos enough to have a huge following for each of them. (Now I'm craving tacos.....)

On a different subject- I am used to good-looking people. Salt Lake City has amazingly good-looking people at every turn. I don't know why, but it's true. And I think that SLC folk agree with me. But here in Great Falls...... Let me just say I went to the gas station the other day and everyone I came across just looked at me as if they would be willing to do anything I asked of them if I would let them touch me for just one moment. And you should all know by now that I don't have the highest self-esteem when it comes to my physical looks. That right there says a LOT. So I guess my advice to any woman who feels like they are not attractive- move to Great Falls. You will pretty much be the most attractive woman in town..... (It's just WEIRD!)

I absolutely LOVE our little rental house. It's small, but it's just me, Michael, and our children (the dogs) so it's the perfect size. And it actually has a really good "feel" to it. My office/room (my clothes and dresser are in there) looks absolutely awesome. I've worked in there for 32 hours so far with no complaints whatsoever. Okay, I have complained. But only about work, not my office itself.

The dogs are getting along okay. Sunni still tries to do a power-play with Mindy by attempting to hump her. But other than that, they are good friends.

It's been fabulous seeing Michael. For the whole 45 hours I have seen him since arriving here (which includes about more than 20 hours sleeping) Sunday morning (at 4 AM.) Which doesn't sound that bad until you realize there are 24 hours in a day and so I've been here since Sunday which (I just did the math) means that I've only actually spent time with him awake for....

<----- so I wrote the above pretty soon after I moved here and didn't post it, or anything since (obviously).

The town of Great Falls really is a lot better looking after the dirty snow crap goes away. I still don't get lost, but I'm actually getting a feel for the place. I know where to go to get to Smith's, Barnes & Noble, Starbucks, the "mall", etc. And on the weekend we have been hiking. It's freaking beautiful out here! Keep in mind that I have a sky fetish, and am now living in "Big Sky Country". So I just stare above a lot.

I work a lot. I signed up for an overtime project, and then got told that I have mandatory overtime for my actual normal job..... so I'm in my office a lot. But hey- it's money, right? We (Michael and I) have a plan to get completely out of debt. Though he is actually out of debt, so now it's on me... Haha! We have the long term plan of living in a sailboat on the ocean. Seriously. I know it sounds like a silly fantasy, but we can realistically do it in about 8 years or so. Meaning buy the sailboat with cash. If all goes well, we won't have to be drained with the 9-5 office jobs for ours lives. (And I mean that in the sense of working a boring steady job, since Michael's job most definately ISN'T a 9-5 office job.....)

Anyways, it's amazing out here as long as you are into the outdoors. Turns out that half the town just goes to the bars and gets drunk on the weekends, the other half are outside doing something active with nature. Can you guess which half I will fall into? :) (And if you say going to the bars, I am disappointed that you see me that way. Haha!)

Speaking of the bars, most of the stores in town (even the "mall") close at 6 on Saturdays. That's just crazy to me! But apparently, that's the big night for everyone to go out and get drunk.....

I bought myself some really expensive hiking boots. I am actually going to push myself to the breaking point and do some crazy hiking. Now that I don't smoke (I quit smoking, for those that aren't friends on Facebook) I can actually push myself to the point of exhaustion without my lungs feeling pain. Granted, they still hurt due to the lack of using them for anything good for a while. But they don't hurt like they used to. Yah for not smoking!!!!

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging. It's hard now that I don't blog at work. When I am working now, I am working. I even told Michael today to stop talking to me since I had to focus. So it's hard to get on the computer after work again. I will try though, damnit! :)

For those that "follow" me or even just read my blog, I am now officially on Facebook. Which I thought was dumb, until I found out that it is NOTHING like Myspace. So anyways, if you feel like getting in touch on Facebook (since I'm on there more than here), search for Jessica Maher. That's me, that's my name.

Anyways, back to Great Falls. It's a totally different way of life. A slower one. And I like that. Maybe I'm built for a smaller town atmosphere. Maybe I have a small town mentality. Whatever it is, I like that nobody seems to be in a crazy rush out here. People drive the actual speed limit! (Unheard of, I know!)

The relationship between me and Michael is so much better than it has ever been. There has always been issues between us, but now that we are out here together, they don't exist. We have been having a great time getting to REALLY know each other. We even sit down to dinner at a table instead of in front of the TV and just talk to each other about some random thought that just strikes us or whatever!

I did freak out one night. Michael was gone and I couldn't talk to anyone out here since I still don't know anyone. I felt like I was completely alone in this world. But I wasn't alone in this world. Though I'm not physically close to those I love (other than Michael, Mindy, and Sunni), I still know that I am loved. Which means that I am NOT alone. As cheesy as that may sound, it's the truth.

Okay, it's bedtime. I just wanted to post what I attempted to write a while ago, and update on what is happening now.

I am lucky, I am loved, I am happy, I can breathe!!, I am stable, I feel good. This was a good decision. And I thank myself for being strong enough to make it.

Much Love!

I Am A Loser

2009-03-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

That's what an anonymous commenter said on my last blog post. I deleted the comment.

I'm perfectly fine with constructive criticism, I'm perfectly fine with someone thinking I am a loser.

But this is my domain and I don't feel the need to hold on to any negativity. I'm addressing this only because I'm not ashamed that someone commented that I'm a loser. I'm just not keeping the comment.

In with the good, out with the bad.

I'm sure that there are plenty of people out there who think I'm a loser. Awesome. I really don't care. It's not shocking. The most important thing is that I don't think I'm a loser. And that's the bottom line.

With that said- I can't believe I am leaving on Saturday! When I first heard that I got approved for moving, they gave me two months and it seemed like SO long. It's now almost been those two months. I can't wait to get everything all set up and just be out there and start having new experiences. I'm going to be having an adventure!

Oh, and I'm quitting smoking too. I started on Chantix (an RX specifically to quit smoking) on Sunday and you set your actual quit date for a week later. My actual quit date it Saturday since I want to be completely done when we start the drive to MT. So I'm starting things off clean.

I have made the choice to change my life and I don't have a single hesitation about it. As stated before, I've been needing change desperately. And it's finally here! And I have also been missing Michael like no other......

Speaking of Michael, he and a guy he met are starting a 4-wheeling/off-roading club in MT! So we will pretty much be packing up and heading off to do some crazy driving and spend some time with new friends on the weekends. It'll be great!

Optimism has taken over me, people. And I'm perfectly content that way.

Much Love!

For The Last Time....

2009-03-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

My life has always been a crazy, and then boring rollar coaster. Meaning I've had periods of extreme change and ups and downs, and then long periods of situational stability. Feast or famine, if you may. And I've been thinking about the past 8 months and how much change has occured and how many "lasts" I have had.

When my apartment flooded, I packed up and moved out. After moving and cleaning, I stood in those empty rooms and a flood of memories swept through me. I lived in that place for 4 years. I had a lot of good times, and bad times, while under that roof. I wandered around and thought, and even cried a little. As much as I ended up hating living there due to the landlady and her kid, it had been MY apartment and I knew I would miss it. And to be honest, I do miss it. I loved living by myself, I loved the independence of it. But it was time to go, so I walked out of those rooms for the last time.

Then I moved in with Michael at the Sugarhouse duplex, which we loved. We started dating in September of 2007, so there were over a year's worth of memories in that space. Again, some bad but mostly good. Michael got the news that he had to transfer and ended up with Great Falls, MT. He moved right after Christmas. I remember how hard it was to see the plants being packed up, the books and DVD's being boxed, the furniture being moved. On moving day, I sat on the floor in the kitchen eating chips and cheese dip, and tried to not cry. Unsuccessfully, of course. When everything was loaded up into the U-Haul, the place was empty. There was no soul there anymore. I again wandered through the rooms just remembering. And then we walked out of the place we had called home together for the last time.

As you all know, I'm moving to Montana. And 3 months isn't a great amount of time to live somewhere, but it's been a comfort for me having my cute little room in my roommate's house. And at the end up next week, I'll be walking out of there for the last time.

And then there's work..... I have been coming to this building since November of 2000. Over 8 years of parking in the structure, taking smoke breaks, talking with coworkers who have become my friends, walking the hallways, heating up lunch in the microwave, meetings in the conference rooms, work parties, etc. 8 years! I'm trying to put into words what I'm feeling about this, and it's not working. I just FEEL it and am unable to express it. I apologize for that. But basically, this office has become a second home, and the people here have become a second family. And next Friday, I will walk out of here, box in hand, for the last time.

I am feeling a bit sentimental. I am feeling a bit sad. I am feeling a bit nostalgic. I am feeling a bit scared. I am feeling a bit emotional.

But I am also feeling a bit excited and happy and adventuresome and strong.

With all the "for the last time"'s I've had, there's another side of the coin.

There's the wonderful ability I have to say that I'm looking forward to seeing something and doing something- FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Much Love!

Do You Smell Smoke? I Think Some Bridges Are Burning....

2009-03-04T08:56:00.000-08:00

It appears that I am burning some bridges. I'm not sure why and it makes me feel yucky. So it STOPS now! The two bridges I have burned will stay charred, I'm sure. But I refuse to burn any more. It's not me, it's not the person I want to be. No more. It's an unattractive quality that I simply do not want to possess.

We are all responsible for our own actions, and I take the responsibility that I deserve. I won't dwell on it, I won't further worry about it. But I won't do it again.

Enough said.

Much Love!

Road Entertainment

2009-02-25T08:43:00.000-08:00

I am a true blue fan of being behind vehicles with multiple bumper stickers, funny license plates, funny license plate frames, etc. When stopped at a stoplight, it lightens my heart to see any type of wording, whether I agree with it or not. It's like reading a book while driving, and since you are following the book you don't actually end up smashing into the back of the car in front of you. (Since the "book" IS the car in front of you.)

It's also like taking a peek into the mind of the driver. Which, as an admitted voyeur (discussed, and also misspelled, HERE), puts a smile upon the face that contains my privacy-invading mind. *Yes, I'm also one of those people that annoys everyone by actually looking at the people driving around me. For some reason, looking at someone while they are either driving or next to you at a stoplight makes them feel very uneasy and uncomfortable. Yet it wouldn't actually be a feeling of invasion if you just looked at them the same exact way while walking at the mall or at a restaurant or wherever. I suppose people feel that their cars should be protective barriers and anyone that dares to penetrate this barrier with their eyeballs deserves to die and slow and painful death. A cruel and unusual one.

Anyway, I think it's human nature for us to try and figure out what the letters and numbers on a license plate mean. It feels like it's trying to tell us something extremely important to our survival and if we aren't able to decode the cryptic message, all is lost. And I just so happened to find my absolute favorite personalized license plate EVER while driving home from work last night. It was good enough that though they were driving horribly and offensively slow, I HAD to just stay behind them and keep on keeping on, lovingly enjoying the humor of it. I even pulled out the good 'ol cell phone camera in an attempt to capture this masterpiece. Unfortunately, it was dark and I couldn't. (Yes, I cried myself to sleep last night over the complete disappointment on not being able to look at it anytime I want.) So...... are you curious what it said?

The car itself was a Mini-Cooper, which makes it perfect. So keep in mind a little tiny car (and the whole big truck/small penis thought process) and this: **Highlight below to see it better. I didn't want to take away the surprise by making it stand out too much yet I couldn't find an exact color match to make it invisible to the naked eye**

ITSHUGE

Much Love!

Evolution

2009-02-18T17:46:00.000-08:00

It's amazing to me how one errand can evolve into such a complex and tasking need to run other errands. For example, I am divorced. However, due to the Social Security Office being as it was when I GOT married (4 hour wait..... literally), I avoided going back there after my divorce. So my driver's license and social security card still say my married name. I left work yesterday to hit the SSA office (since I think it's probably a good idea to take care of it prior to moving to another state) thinking that it closes at 5 and getting there at 4 would be perfect. Wrong. It closes at 4 and I managed to arrive there at 4:01. Bummer.

So then I wonder what to do as I have my weekly dinner with Mister Man (aka Billy) but he's not off work yet. Hell, I've been wanting to get a new MP3 player since my old one conveniently disappeared during the Great Flood of 2008. (See previous blogs if you are unaware of the events that transpired.)

Best Buy, here I come. So after driving around aimlessly looking for the Best Buy off 21st South (since that's the location that actually had the one I wanted in stock), I finally arrive at my destination. Keep in mind that the driving around aimlessly resulted from my amazing ability to pay attention to the fact that it's on 21st South, but completely ignoring the remaining part of the address, leaving me with no idea what East or West it's on. I meander to the MP3 aisle and *jackpot*. I find my new baby. However..... there's not a salesperson around to get it out of the top-secret locked area where it has made its home. I finally drag a guy over that looks like he's 10. Get my MP3 player. Leave. Success.

Until..... I remember that you can't just zap music into your MP3 player with the power of your mind. Nope, you need what's called a computer. Repeat after me- c-o-m-p-u-t-e-r. So I hop in my car and drive wildly to my storage unit where my laptop happens to reside. Fortunately, I had placed it in a convenient location so I didn't have to dig through all my piles of memories and dusty furniture to get it. Grabbed it. Success.

Until...... I realized that I had NO idea where the chargy thingy was. If the said laptop has no power, there's no possibility of zapping my tunage. So I figure I'll just have to buy a new one.

Mister Man calls, we go to dinner. I have a hilarious picture of the check to post, but this website just took a hit off the crack pipe of functionality and isn't quite up to par today. I'll post when blogspot is sober. So yah, dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory was delicious and good times were had by all. Or both of us. Though there could have been a killer in that very room..... (shameless plug for an inside joke).

On the way back from dinner I ask Billy if he would like to join me for a wonderful adventure at the local Walmart. He agrees. We hit the first Walmart and decided to see if there were more chargy thingys at another Walmart.

So we hit the OTHER Walmart. Same selection (meaning exactly ONE of the chargy thingys). As it's a necessary expenditure I suck it up and buy it. But people- this IS Walmart. You simply cannot walk into a Walmart and walk out with the one and only item that you originally planned on purchasing. So therefore I was forced to ravage through the $5 movie bin. I had no choice, I tell you! Oh, and I also was forced to buy new music to rip.....

So then I went home and listened to music after the hour of unwrapping, charging, plugging, transfering, ripping, etc. Success.

Don't worry, my lovelies. I managed to make it to the SSA office AND the DMV today so am officially back to my old self. (Pun intended.)

Thanks for listening with your eyeballs, ladies and gentlemen.

Much Love!

Guilty As Charged

2009-02-03T14:55:00.001-08:00

I am sorry. Please forgive me. I've been busy and distracted and excited and on and on. But I am finally blogging about my news.

Effective March 27th, I will no longer be a Utahn. Yep, March 27th will be my last day in Utah. I will load up Michael's truck, throw the dogs in the back, drive my car on the car-trailer thing, and head to Montana.

For the past few years I have been feeling so stuck. I haven't felt like I've been living the life I am supposed to live. Like I've just been stuck doing something that doesn't challenge me or allow me to live up to my potential. Wake up, go to work, go home, read, go to bed. Repeat. Repeat. Etc. I do not want to live like that. I don't want to do the same thing that everyone else does- working an office 9 to 5 job until retirement and then live off social security and 401k. BORING. So...... I'm starting by moving to Montana with Michael.

I got approved at work to "work from home" in Montana. Which means I will basically be able to wake up, make coffee, and go into my office and work in my pajamas with the music as loud as I want (except for when Michael is sleeping). I will be able to make new friends and have new experiences and explore a new place and have an adventure- while also being with the man I love. Pretty sweet deal, huh?

Being with Michael is a PART of why I have decided to make such a change. Yes, I love the guy and want to be with him. However, I also know that I am going crazy with the monotony I have lived for the past few years. The monotony has been a pulsing pain inside my brain that previously had no opportunity to be released. The monotony has been dragging me down until I have felt like a robot stuck in the same circular motion. The monotony has drained a bit of my spirit and a bit of my energy. And now, the monotony will be silenced!

I know that life isn't going to be all flowers and gumdrops in Montana. There are going to be times when I feel so alone and wonder what in the world I was thinking. I'm not going into this with some idealistic view that everything is going to be perfect. It's not. I'm going to cry and worry and have good days and bad days. But I DO know that I'll at least be living in a way that I've needed to be living for years. And I'll pat myself on the back as often as I can that I am a strong enough woman to take a chance instead of settling.

I'm sure I'll have some interesting things to blog about in a little under two months. I'm sure that I'll have a lot to say and a lot to share. But until then, I'm just living in the excitement that I'm actually taking control of my life. And I thank myself for that.

Much Love!

Trendy Sexuality

2009-01-26T17:29:00.000-08:00

I simply do not understand the trend of women these days deciding to be bisexual. It seems like everywhere I turn there's been another woman I know deciding that she suddenly and miraculously swinging both ways. Is this because woman-on-woman is more socially acceptable? Is this because these people are so desperate for attention that they'll do anything to get it? Is this because they get so fed up with men that they think being with a woman would be any different?

Granted, I have absolutely NO problem with homosexuality in either male or female. I couldn't care less. I have some great gay friends, both male and female. I just don't understand the sudden need for a lot of women to just start either dating or sleeping with women. Actually, I don't mind the dating so much. That at least shows that there is some interest in an actual relationship, which tells me that they probably aren't just doing it for show or attention or to get laid even easier. But just simply deciding that they are going to sleep with whoever comes along no matter what sex they are? I don't get it.

Trust me, I'm far from being considered a prude. I have had a past that some people would simply not believe. So I'm not angel in any department. I guess if someone really needs sex that much that they don't care where they get it, I can't judge them. But that doesn't mean that I'll understand them. There's gotta be at least SOME standards and/or limits, right? Now keep in mind that I'm not talking about people that really and truly consider themselves bisexual. I do believe that there are people that are simply born with it.

But..... it just seems like so many women are jumping on the "I'm Bisexual!" bandwagon that there's either something in the water, something in the air, or maybe they just rationalize it. A lot of men I know think girls being together is "hot". Good for them. But I feel absolutely no need to "sleep" with a woman in order to impress anyone......

I'm not insecure enough with myself and my body to need to sleep with as many people as possible to make myself feel good about myself. And I'm not necessarily saying that the "bisexual bandwagon" is either. I guess I'm just trying to figure out why so many women these days have decided that straddling the fence is a good idea. (No pun intended.) There's a big difference between knowing that you've been with a woman experimentally, but it's a whole other thing to declare yourself completely bisexual. It's like an epidemic.

Much Love!

Ear Presents

2009-01-13T15:29:00.000-08:00

I like music. But I'm not a music lover as I find a lot of people are. By this I mean that I like listening to music, but I only LOVE certain songs. My car got broken into once and I paid the deductible to get the stereo replaced. Then it got broken into again only a few months later, and I just figured I'd forgo the stereo and just sing to myself while in the car. That was oh.... about 5 years ago. So as I spent plenty of time in the car daily I have gotten used to the silence, with only my thoughts and car sounds filling the void. Once I got used to this, it's hard to get back to the true LOVE of music I once had.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy music. But as I spend such small amounts of time actually being able to listen to music, I listen to the same things over and over again. I give my music-listening time to those songs that bring tears to my eyes, or make me want to dance, or bring back a memory, or that I can identify with. Thank God for playlists on Youtube where I can add all my favorite songs and skip through them whenever I want to. Every now and then I'll discover some new song or artist and listen repeatedly to the same song/artist over and over again. My friend Chad introduced me to a new song today that I have been listening to on repeat for the past 3 hours or so. Yep, it's going to have to end up on my playlist as it's beautiful. (Artist: Adele, Song: Chasing Pavement)

Sometimes I wonder if my lack of needing music constantly has something to do with my absolute NEED to think. I am perfectly capable of sitting outside for an hour without doing anything other than thinking. My thoughts take these crazy trips and twists and turns and then suddenly I will realize that my ass hurts as I've just been sitting and thinking for an hour. It's odd. So I think that having constant noise in the background would take away some of my thinking time. It would distract and detract from the silence required to give credit to my brain for keeping on churning. Giving my brain respective props, I suppose.

Whatever the reason is, I don't require music in my life most of the time. And it's appreciated more when I am able to actually give it a listen. Which I am doing at this moment. Enjoying and appreciating. Until I leave for the day and wait for another opportunity to give my ears a present.

Back to Adele on repeat for the last hour I am here.......

Much Love!

Insights Into Jessica For The Curious

2009-01-08T10:30:00.000-08:00

I once wrote something called "Insights Into Jessica For The Curious". Basically, I filled out pages and pages of lesser-known facts about me and some quirks that I have. For no real reason. But anyways, I'd like to take this time to share a few of these with you.

*I sleep with my hand either down my pajama bottoms or up my shirt. There's nothing sexual about it, I just like the feel skin. So if someone were to walk into my room and look at me when I sleep, they'll find a hand hidden under clothing.

*Whenever my phone rings at work, I automatically grab something to fiddle with. I am incapable of answering the phone without a paperclip or soy sauce packet or slinky or bendy elephant toy in my grasp. (Yes, all of the above are easily accessible for my fiddling pleasure.)

* I eat healthy on accident. We never got to eat red meat while growing up, so hamburgers have never had the appeal to me that they seem to have to everyone else. I don't like chocolate, candy, cakes, cookies, brownies, etc. My absolute favorite thing to eat is a fresh chef salad. Not because it's better for me, but because it's delicious. Speaking of which.... Now I want a chef salad.

*I talk to myself. A lot. And I talk to my dog as if she's a human. I just use a higher voice that's used for babies and dogs. I'll catch myself saying my thoughts out loud when I'm driving down the street alone instead of just thinking the thoughts. It can get a little embarassing when someone catches me at it, though.

*I cannot let myself watch a TV show like 24 or Lost or things like that. Not because I wouldn't like them, but because I absolutely refuse to make myself a slave to the television. If you get started on those shows, you can't miss a week or you are all screwed up. Which means you are sitting in front of the TV the same time every single week. I like to keep my options open.

*I am addicted to "To Catch A Predator" clips on Youtube. I can't get enough of watching grown men humiliate themselves in perverted ways. And I have an odd crush on Chris Hansen.

*Even while sleeping alone in a big bed, I still have a "side of the bed". I hate sleeping in the middle of the bed. I'm not sure why this is, but there you have it. And I sleep on my side. And I toss and turn. But I don't snore.

*I'm not very girlie. I like football, hate shopping, bite my nails, prefer beer over cocktails, love blood and guts movies, hate dressing up,..... the list goes on and on.

*I dream in color all the time. My dreams make absolutely no sense at all. And I have recurring nightmares of family members and friends and Sunni dying.

*I don't LOL very much. Something has to be really funny for me to actually laugh out loud. Which is why I don't text "LOL" to people. I instead use "Haha". That's lets them know that I think their text was amusing and humorous, yet not enough to really make me "LOL". Unless I'm really "LOL"ing.

Okay, that's enough for today. I need to get to work. So there are some wierd (or not so wierd) things about me. Neat. Have a great weekend, my loves.

Much Love!

Are You Kidding Me?!?!

2009-01-07T11:48:00.001-08:00

I was browsing through CNN to get updates on the latest news of the world, when something caught my eye. It said this:

Ticker: Porn industry requests bailout

What???

Here is the actual article curteousy of CNN:

"WASHINGTON (CNN) — Another major American industry is asking for assistance as the global financial crisis continues: Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis said Wednesday they will request that Congress allocate $5 billion for a bailout of the adult entertainment industry.

“The take here is that everyone and their mother want to be bailed out from the banks to the big three,” said Owen Moogan, spokesman for Larry Flynt. “The porn industry has been hurt by the downturn like everyone else and they are going to ask for the $5 billion. Is it the most serious thing in the world? Is it going to make the lives of Americans better if it happens? It is not for them to determine.”

Francis said in a statement that “the US government should actively support the adult industry's survival and growth, just as it feels the need to support any other industry cherished by the American people."

Flynt and Francis concede the industry itself is in no financial danger — DVD sales have slipped over the past year, but Web traffic has continued to grow.

But the industry leaders said the issue is a nation in need. "People are too depressed to be sexually active," Flynt said in the statement. "This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex."

"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind. It's time for congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly."

So far, there has been no congressional reaction to the request."

So there you have it.

While looking at the original bailout plan, my friend pointed out to me that Rum is included in that as some special provision that is already getting tons of money as a result of the bailout. So I'm thinking that the tobacco companies should throw their names in the mix. That way, if it all passes, we will have a bailout for liquor, porn, and smokes. The good life. What do you think?

Yah, so I can't believe how ridiculously insane this whole thing is getting. Seems like every day, some other industry decides that they want free money as well. What ever happened to integrity? What ever happened to EARNING your money? I'm just at a loss here. Seriously.

The PORN industry? Are you kidding me?!?!?!

Much Love!

Optimism 101

2009-01-06T08:55:00.000-08:00

I'm the type that hates feeling low and down. Granted, not a LOT of people enjoy that feeling, but some live in it. So when I feel in the dumps like I have been lately, I put all my energy into forcing myself out of it. And so far, I have mostly succeeded. The power of the mind is an amazing thing- and stronger than we give our minds credit for.

In my last post I talked about how I need to get out and be social instead of isolating myself. That's what everyone says to do. But I realize that when I isolate myself, I can work through things a lot quicker than if I'm putting on a fake happy face for others. Spending time alone helps me focus on what's important.

So here I am today, feeling quite a bit better about things. And the number one reason that I am choosing to not be defeated is this: My life is my own. I make my own choices. I can choose to wallow in depression and self-pity, or I can choose to give myself more credit and smile a heart-felt smile.

As much as I have felt stuck and trapped in routines and ruts, I only have myself to blame. My friend Troy has been known to say something along the lines of "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results", or something like that. And I fully believe that this is true. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to do anything extreme and pack up and move to Africa or anything (where did that come from???). I'm just saying that it's my choice to stay stuck in the rut, consider it a rut in the first place, or take action. Even if that action is stepping outside myself for a moment and taking stock.

Whatever I do or don't do with my life, it's MINE. And I have no desire to live it in darkness.

Now that that's over, just one quick little thing I would like to discuss:

There are two women's bathrooms in my office since we have very few men. They turned the men's room into a second women's room and made a closet the men's room. (Yah, wierd.) My bathroom of choice is the less busy one for obvious reasons. Yesterday I walked in right at the same time as a coworker. At that point, it's just rude to walk out and go into the other bathroom. So this coworker proceeds to talk to me while we enter our respective stalls, and continues talking to me while draining our bladders. Then, she let a little something slip. Yep, she farted right smack dab in the middle of our one-sided conversation (as I don't conversate while using the facilities). She said "Oops, sorry" and then went right back to talking. I'm not embarassed of bodily functions, I don't get sickened by normal things that our crazy bodies do, I usually end up in some really inappropriate conversations with friends. But THAT? Um...... awkward.

Much Love!

How I Feel

2009-01-02T11:30:00.000-08:00

I'm lost. This is all going to hard to put into words, but I'm going to my best.

My Christmas was great other than the overwhelming feeling of dread for Michael's move to Montana. So though I enjoyed my time with my family, I could feel the time passing too quickly, heading towards something similar to an emotional train wreck. The countdown had started.

Michael and I spent some good quality time together between Christmas and when he left on Sunday. Some "snuggle time". And then we packed him all up, loaded up the U-haul, and off he went.

I'm emotionally slaughtered right now. I know that it will fade in time and the pain won't be as strong. But for now.....

It's Friday and I have the weekend ahead of me. And instead of being happy for another two days off work, I am dreading it. I know that I need to be social and spend time with my friends. I know that I need to NOT shut myself off from the world and be a part of it. But the "loss" of Michael has impacted me more than I thought it would. I feel empty. Like there's nothing to look forward to and nothing to be gained. I am heartbroken and all routines that I had before seem inconsequential. Like nothing is worth anything.

I know that this is all what I call "situational depression". Meaning that I'm not truly depressed inside, but that I'm feeling completely depressed due to this situation that I am in. And I know that I will someday break out of it.

It's just that for now, all I want to do is lay in bed in the pajamas I have worn since Sunday and watch cheesy chick flicks and cry. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to deal with anything. I am grieving and mourning. This is my bereavement period.

The whole saying of "you don't know what you have until it's gone" is really sucker-punching me in the face right now........ And it hurts.

But..... I AM making an effort. I have plans to go to a fashion show tomorrow that my sister is in. And then hopefully grab some dinner with the family. So as much as I want to shut myself in and never leave, I am forcing myself. And heck- at least I made it into work today. That's good, right?

I need to talk myself up and out of the hole. I need to go against my nature (of hibernating) and visit with friends and family and remind myself that there IS something out there to care about. That having a life is pointless if you don't actually LIVE.

So please be patient with me and my blogging as I am lonely and empty and sad.

Much Love!

My Nightmare

2008-12-17T16:44:00.000-08:00

I just barely remembered my nightmare I had last night. It's pretty sick.

I was following a Jeep in my car and we were trying to get through a mountain pass to get home. Someone had warned us about the bad roads on this particular mountain pass. The Jeep in front of me drove into a cave-type place but the road looked like it kept going. All of the sudden, it switched (as dreams tend to do) and me and Sunni (my dog) were walking towards this big gate. There was a legend about how there's a monster that lives behind the gate. In looking at the gate I saw this huge stone monster guy walking towards us. Sunni and I tried to hide behind a wall but the huge stone monster guy turned his head with his gleaming red eyes and stared at us. The next thing I know, the monster guy (who is human now) had Sunni and I couldn't get to her because there was a wall of...... like soccer goal post netting stuff that was blocking me. So I pulled out a lighter and started trying to burn a hole in the netting so I could get to Sunni. He laughed at me and put Sunni up to his mouth and took a bite out of her neck. Then it switched again and I was in a room with my family and some other random people I don't know and the bad guy. He was running around with knives and razors and was cutting everyone up. I was screaming and trying to get away and another person in the room (I don't know who it was) started fighting back but the bad guy stabbed him. There were bodies all over the floor and it was pretty much a blood-bath. The bad guy (who kept changing from a man to a woman back and forth) trapped me against the stairs and with his knives, almost cut my leg off at the knee. He then grabbed a fork and stabbed someone that was dead on the ground and was twisting the fork around in their skin.

And then I woke up. Pretty sick and disturbing, huh? Think maybe I'm a little stressed?

Much Love!

My New Best Friends

2008-12-17T16:06:00.000-08:00

Today I have some new best friends. Their names are:

Halls Mentho-Lyptus Cough Drops
Vicks DayQuil
Gatorade
Lipton Soup
Ibu Profen

Yep, lucky me. I slowly drifted out of a deep slumber this morning when I realized that things are not as they should be. I could not swallow without feeling as if there were needles scraping the inside of my throat. I could not get comfortable due to spasming of my uterus (cramps). I just stayed in the fetal position for a while when also trying not to salivate so I wouldn't have to swallow. Finally got a heavy dose of Ibu Profen in my system and called work to say I may not make it in. And then I fell back into a deep and heavy slumber.

And here I am at work......

I realized that if I intend on taking off three days the week after Christmas, I couldn't take more than 4 hours off today. Though my throat hurts and I'm on drugs, I at least mostly feel alive. And capable of working. The sacrifice so that I can be off work for 8 entire days starting on Christmas. What bliss!

My plans for tonight? Hitting the redbox after work to grab a movie or two, throwing on my most comfortable pajamas, making myself a cup of tea, and sitting on the couch staring at the images on the TV screen while sipping on soup broth. That's after I raid Michael's medicine cabinet and steal a Vitamin C pill.

Die, sickness! Die!

Much Love!

This Made Me Temporarily Smile

2008-12-15T15:02:00.001-08:00

When one is sad, there are always small little things they can do to at least HELP the sadness-condition. It may not take away the sadness, but at least it can put a temporary smile your face. Like this letter I sent to my old landlady today (x-ing out personal info):

December 15, 2008

Reference: Deposit

Joan XXXXX
XXXX S XXXXX Way
Salt Lake City, Utah
84107

Joan XXXXX,

I left a message on your voice mail back in November regarding the fact that I have received absolutely NO response or communication from you in regards to my $600 deposit. I still have yet to hear from you regarding this matter.

When I returned the keys to the apartment to you, you told me that "by law" you had 30 days to respond to me. It has now been twice that time (60 days), as I legally vacated the apartment on October 15, 2008. I did provide you with the required 15-day notice which you did sign. Additionally, I have verified that under Utah law, a landlord must return a tenant's deposit within thirty days after the tenancy ends, or within fifteen days after the landlord's receipt of the tenant's new address, whichever is later. In my 15-day notice, I did provide the address for the returned deposit to be sent to.

According to this information, you are in violation of the landlord/tenant laws of the state of Utah. And under the same Utah law, my rights as a tenant specify that if my landlord does not return my deposit, he or she may be subject to a $100 civil fine and court expenses, as well as the ability for me to sue said landlord in a small claims court.

I'd hate for the situation to come down to taking this to court, but I am willing to take it that far if you continue to fail to respond. As you can see, I am trying to get this handled as quickly and conveniently as possible for the both of us. Yet my rights have been violated and I am unwilling to just let that happen.

In case you misplaced my new address, it is

Jessica Maher
XXXX W XXXXX S
South Jordan, UT 84095

If I do not receive the due refund of $600 (or relating correspondence to my satisfaction) within 10 days (December 25th, 2008), I will be forced to make this a small claims court issue. You will then receive information from the court in regards to when you will need to appear in court for the case to be tried. Additionally, I will also be requesting all filing fees and expenses resulting from this court case to be rewarded to me.

I am also sending a copy of this letter in writing to your physical address. If you have any questions, please contact me at (801)XXX-XXXX or by email at XXXXX.XXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXX.com.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Thank you,

Jessica Maher

What do you think? Professional yet to-the-point? I hope so......
Much Love!

Goodbyes

2008-12-15T12:23:00.000-08:00

I hate goodbyes. Simply hate them. With my mother living in Kansas for most of my life, you'd think I should be experienced at saying goodbye. Or at least that I should be used to not being around everyone I love whenever I want to. But I haven't and I'm not.

I'm very emotional while writing this. I'm crying at work, which you should all know by now I absolutely abhor.

I had to say goodbye to Emily yesterday. She is leaving on Wednesday for the MTC (Missionary Training Center). And I will not be seeing her for a year and a half. Yes, time passes by so quickly. I know that in my head. But in my heart...... well, that's a different story.

I quickly gave her the Christmas present I made her. She was running out the door. We hugged and I fought the tears and emotions going through me. I lost. I clung to my mom in the kitchen while everyone was bustling around trying to leave for church or head back home to Huntington from the weekend. My mom said "Let's just let it out". And I said "I need to do this alone". But I kept crying. Emily had tears in her eyes and so I couldn't stop. I left and got back to Michael's. I crawled back into bed with him and tried again to not cry. I slept. And I slept some more. (Sleep is my comfort.) Michael went to work. And I let myself go. I cried. I talked to myself. I talked to Emily though she wasn't there. I hugged our dogs. I cried until my stomach hurt and my contacts wouldn't stay in and my face and eyes were flourescent.

And then I cried some more knowing that coming home to Michael and crawling back into bed with him with his arms around me is not happening anymore, either. He is leaving and I will have to say goodbye to him.

There are two VERY important people in my life that I am having to say goodbye to within the space of about 10 days. Did I mention that I hate goodbyes? Two people that helped fill my life and my heart. Obviously, they will still be in my life and my heart. But their absence will be great and my life will feel a little bit more empty. It already does.

So please forgive me if I start posting more boringly emotional blogs. I need to work through the goodbyes. I need to write about the goodbyes and cry about the goodbyes. And I need to share just how much these particular goodbyes are going to hurt. I need to share my pain, I suppose.

Did I mention that I hate goodbyes?

But: At least for tonight I can temporarily put aside my sadness by stuffing my face full of lasagna and cheese bread in between talking-with-my-mouth-full conversations with a good good friend. Blessed distractions.

Much Love!

A Moment Of Truth

2008-12-08T13:11:00.000-08:00

There are some people that run through life constantly criticizing themselves and beating themselves down. There are some people that run through life never admitting their wrongs and believing they could walk on water if they tried. I am neither of these people.

I am not an unhappy person. I don't hate myself or my life. But I also can admit my faults and accept the negative things that come with me. And today I'm admitting something that is a little hard for me to admit, but no less the truth for it.

I have become the crazy, angry girlfriend. Or maybe I have been all along but just now actually noticed it. I'm not sure. Either way, the truth is that I have been mean to Michael recently. Picking fights, slamming doors, etc. When we are doing well, we are doing REALLY well. But when we are doing bad, we are doing REALLY bad. Our relationship has always been intense. A lot of ups and downs. It seems as if we live in one extreme or the other and I'm not sure that we are capable of just living in between.

What I mean by that is this: I have a friend that I'll just call "L". L and her ex-boyfriend T were constantly fighting. I have been witness to some of their blowouts and let me tell you, it's quite the dramatic event. They could have sold tickets to their fights! I remember looking at them one time and wondering why in the world they were still together. Yes, there were happy times in their relationship. I just thought it was odd that they hung on as long as they did since they fought so much, and fought so strongly. I came to the conclusion that they brought out the worst in each other. As much as they loved each other, it wouldn't ever work due to this fact. They simply were not good together. And I am finally realizing that Michael and I are in a similar relationship.

He does some things that make me angry and/or sad. But my way of dealing with the anger and/or sadness has not been healthy recently. I completely flip out. It's like I'm not capable of tampering down the explosion. He doesn't deserve for me to treat him like that. Just as I don't deserve to be hurt in the same way, time after time.

I'm sure you've all heard of the song "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough", right? Michael and I do love each other. There's not a doubt in either of our minds about that fact. But is it enough? I can't control my temper. He can't control his priorities. It's the same story over and over again. I'm tired of being angry at him and hurting him. I'm tired of him being angry at me and hurting me. To put it bluntly, I'm not good for him anymore. I beat him down more than I make him happy. I hate it, but it's there. And it seems that no matter how hard I try to change it, I can't. Which then boils down to the fact that Michael and I are now bringing out the worst in each other.

Throw onto the whole deal that he is moving to Montana at the end of the month. So it seems a little silly that I am getting all crazy on him when he's leaving anyways.

Needless to say, I have some issues that I need to work on for myself. Not work on for Michael, not work on for my family or friends, but work on for myself. I've been a little unstable pretty much this whole year and I owe it to myself to regain my sense of stability. Or at least learn how to deal with instability better without resorting to the mentioned anger issues. I need to get back to focusing on the internal Jessica and start from there. I can't treat other people well until I start treating myself well. I need to get away from the drama-queen attitude I've been living with lately. I need to, as they say, "Take a chill pill". I need to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself when my life is actually quite good.

So there you have it. A moment of truth and honesty. I love Michael and Michael loves me, but sometimes love just ain't enough. We both deserve better.

Much Love!

Christmas Story Rip-Off

2008-12-03T08:37:00.000-08:00

'Twas the day after Thanksgiving and all through my parent's house

Every creature was stirring though we already ate the mouse

All the leftovers stuffed in the refrigerator with care

In the hopes that I'd eat them, and maybe even share

The children were downstairs playing the Wii

While visions of bowling kept coming to me

And mom in her kitchen chair and her hands in her lap

Had just woken up from a Black Friday nap

While inside the bathroom I heard such a clatter

Zipping up my pants wondered what was the matter

Away to the front room I flew like a flash

Tore open the door and suffered whiplash

The lights in the kitchen were starting to glow

Shining flourescent rays on the people below

And what to my wondering eyes should appear?

But my brother that lives in Kansas standing right here!

Okay, enough of the poem. Basically, yes. My brother surprised us with a visit. He got in the day after Thanksgiving and left two days later on Sunday. My sister's farewell was on Sunday and he wanted to be here for that. It was awesome! When I saw him I couldn't even believe what I was seeing! A complete surprise, and a very happy one at that. Me, my brother, older sister, and brother-in-law were able to sneak away for some bowling on Saturday. From eating food at our Mongolian family's house on Wednesday (there's a story to that) to going to a movie with the family, to Thanksgiving dinner with the family, to running errands, to spending time with my brother, to going to Emily's open-mic show, to her farewell. It was a busy busy weekend and I absolutely enjoyed every second of it. Except for when I had to leave Emily's farewell early due to food poisoning and spending the next few hours alternating between vomitting and crying. That part wasn't so fun. Note to self- NEVER AGAIN reheat seafood pasta.

On top of that- I know what I'm doing for Christmas presents this year. See, I like to make things. I don't like to go to the store and buy someone for something that they could just buy themselves if they wanted. So my gifts are all sentimental or homemade- or both. Michael and I went to a store and browsed around and I know what I'm doing! I can't say what here as some of these gift-receivers read my blog. But it's splendid!

Anyways, I better get some work done. Sorry for the somewhat boring blog. Just wanted to get an update on my weekend in, I suppose.

One more thing- I figured out that I have enough time off for three days at the end of the month. I am on the work calendar for time off. So basically, I will leave work on Christmas Eve and not come back until January 2nd. Wahoo!! I have no plans to speak of, but it will be great to not be at work for an entire 8 days!

Much Love!

Fun With Play-Doh

2008-11-26T08:59:00.000-08:00

I had dinner plans with a girlfriend of mine last night. However, I worked until 6 and we were supposed to meet up at 6:30. I figured that it made more sense to just play at work until the designated time, rather than start driving home then have to turn around before I even GET home. Logical, right?

I pulled up my most favorite thing in the world on the internet. Maybe you've heard of it? It's called Youtube. Once on this site called Youtube, I pulled up a bunch of Judge Judy clips. I adore Judge Judy. As long as I'm not the one being yelled at, of course.

So I'm sitting there listening to Judge Judy when I look over and spy some Play-Doh that I stole from someone on Halloween.

I have to be honest- I have forgotten how extremely fun Play-Doh is! My imagination got a little kick since it hasn't been used in a while.

I then spy a sucker that I forgot was sitting on my desk.

Chad walks over to my desk and....... I'm playing with Play-Doh with a sucker in my mouth. We both laugh as I realize I look like the young lass I once was. Here are three examples of my inate creativity in relation to Play-Doh. I was in the middle of Olympic Rings when I had to leave. But leaving Play-Doh out in the air is a sin, so I had to scrap that project.

Much Love!

Admission

2008-11-24T08:47:00.001-08:00

Today I am here to admit that I am affected. This statement will be explained.

While growing up I have been friends with many people that are fascinated by Astrology. You know, your "sign". It's always been a small interest of mine, but nothing that I've ever believed in to the extent that it's fact. I believe that every event in life, every situation you experience, and every day that goes by changes people. I believe that dreams cannot be explained as not one person on this world thinks that same as another. Our minds don't match anyone else's mind. Because of this, the way we see the world and the way we react to changes that occur are different. Which means that no matter what your "sign", no matter what you dream, there's no chance that it's ever going to be just like your Astrology chart reads or the dream books tell you.

I am a Cancer. The homebody, sensitive one that hides behind her shell. I've always thought this description was funny and didn't match me as generally I have no problem sharing my thoughts or feelings. If I am mad at you, you know. If I am happy, you know. But the more I think about it, I realize something. The one situation that I DO hide is sadness and depression. I'm not sure why. Maybe I feel like it's not my place to share this in the event that it brings someone else down? Maybe I don't feel that people deserve to be let in when I'm sad? Maybe I feel like it makes me vulnerable? Whatever the reason, I don't show my sadness very often.

I don't cry in front of people. I'll talk about situations in my life with a straight face and dry eyes and act as if it doesn't affect me. But as stated in my first sentence, I am affected. And today, I am sad. My dear blog readers, I'm letting you in. (It's easier to do anonymously anyways.)

I'm sad and a little bit lost. I'm not to the crying point, I'm not to the breaking down point. I'm mostly just feeling like there's something weighting me down. Like something needs to be done or undone. My friend Lindsay stated in her blog that she feels like something is missing but she doesn't know what. And I have to ditto that sentiment.

Part of it is because since July, I've been through such dramatic ups and downs that I'm struggling to find my place in this world again. Part of it is that I put my whole heart into Michael and now that's toppling down. Part of it is that I'm a creature of habit and when nothing is stable, I get all twisted up inside. Part of it is that I'm not creating anything or producing anything or making a contribution to the world. I go to work, go home, watch movies, go to bed. Repeat. Repeat..... Repeat.............

I'm extremely looking forward for this week with Thanksgiving and then this weekend with time off work. My family has a magical way of making me feel like I'm part of something bigger and greater. They heal me. So I'll get some healing time Wednesday and Thursday with the family. And then I'll have 3 days of no work where I fully intend on doing something for myself. I'm not sure what yet, but I really need to do something that makes me happy and reminds me that times get better.

I am sad and I am affected. This is the truth.

There is also another truth. My mantra. I am loved. No matter what, I am loved. Put the mind soundtrack on repeat. My mantra exists, as do I. I am loved. No matter what, I am loved.

Much Love!

Starting Anew/Venting

2008-11-18T14:40:00.000-08:00

First things first: After a long deliberation (not really), I have added another blog. The reason for this is that I know poetry and ponderous thoughts hold absolutely no interest to some people, while others may truly enjoy them. So I'll keep this-here blog for the typical stuff I've been writing, and my other blog will mostly be poetry that I've written throughout the years and any other artsy-fartsy things that catch my interest. Have no fear, my darlings. You are under NO obligation to visit my new blog "Inside Words Out". I'm mostly really liking the idea of getting things that I've written on paper transferred to the computer. I may as well share them in the process, right? So you are more than welcome to check it out (go to my profile and click on "Inside Words Out"), but it absolutely will not hurt my feelings if you don't. Seriously.

Now I'm going to proceed on to the venting process. And I'm warning you, I'm going off here......

I'm not manipulated very easily. I myself used to be pretty damn sneaky in that area. And though I no longer choose manipulation as a pathetic attempt to twist others, I remember the signs and the tricks. I can spot someone doing some manipulating miles away. Just because I don't call you on it doesn't mean I don't see it. And haven't you noticed that I haven't responded to it? Shouldn't that be a sign to throw in the towel? That your attempts are flawed and failing? That I haven't fallen into your trap? But then again, I've heard that denial is a wonderful land to live in when reality isn't exactly how you want it.

It just amazes me there are actually people out there that are so completely delusional as to continue trying to get in my way, when to me- they don't exist. It's not even possible for them to get in my way. The only thing they accomplish is annoying me. I do have to give them that much credit. But annoy me only. Which must be a disappointment to them as I'm not falling to the ground in unstable emotional tears. Nor am I worried about any words that come out of their mouths. Nor does it have any impact on my life except for the above stated annoyance.

If I don't talk to you, there's probably a reason...... Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.

Ah..... thank you. I feel better now. Occasional emotional purging is good for the soul. Just as "Airborne" (the stuff that's supposed to fight off incoming sickness), Vitamin C, and Echinacea are good for the body when someone you've been around a lot (namely Chad) brings not-so good tidings of strep throat into your immediate vicinity. (Which we do hope for timely healing for the lad.)

Much Love!

Thought Of The Day

2008-11-17T12:05:00.000-08:00

Just because you are driving a Smart car, it doesn't make you smart. Especially if I'm behind you and have to keep braking because you accelerate and then slow down and then accelerate and then slow down for reasons known only to yourself. And if your left-turn signal is on and you turn right. And if you weigh more than the car itself to the point where imagination cannot even figure out a way that you squashed yourself into the car in the first place.

Much Love!

Things I Can Do Pretty Well

2008-11-13T17:52:00.000-08:00

Self Explanatory Title

Cook. I have mentioned this before here. I can whip up a decent dish with little to no previous knowledge of a recipe. I am aware of tastes that go together and tastes that absolutely do NOT go together. I can go to the store and randomly grab ingredients and end up with something delicious. As an added bonus, I actually enjoy cooking. I can cook pretty well.

Make up silly lawsuits. I mentioned one of these ideas here. Here is a short list of silly lawsuits so that I can sue people and live off court winnings.

1- The previously said Frito-Lay lawsuit
2- Swanson. Their Hungry Man frozen dinners. So very very sexist. What- just because I'm a hungry woman I can't eat them?
3- Play-doh. Nowhere on the packaging does it say to not ingest this salty treat.
4- The company that makes Sour Patch Kids. Like the Frito-Lay lawsuit, there is no warning as to the tongue damage done due to eating a gazillion of these candies.
I could go on and on with silly lawsuits. That's something I do pretty well.

Fix things and pretend to be McGyver. I like using my hands. I like putting things together and even fixing things. Once, I took about my DVD player since it wasn't working. I played around with it for a while, put it all back together, and it worked! Michael's towel rack fell off the wall the other day. Not having a screwdriver, I grabbed a steak knife and proceeded to put the thing back together. It's now extremely secure. If something is broken, I will tinker with it and end up with it being fixed. There's also the time that Chad and I went to blow up his raft to go floating at East Canyon. But the pump we borrowed didn't have the right hose to hook into the raft. Putting our heads together, we assembled our own hose. With a tampon applicator. I can fix things and pretend to be McGyver pretty well.

Sing. Though very very few people have ever experienced this knowledge. I would sing in choir and do solos in church and seminary growing up. But for some reason, I do not like singing in front of people. Oddly enough, my voice is quite decent. So though I won't prove it to you, I can sing pretty well.

Math. I like math and do it for fun. 'Nuff said. I can do math pretty well.

Speed-read. I am a natural speed-reader. Give me a book and I'll read 400 pages within a couple hours. This is not something I have worked at, this just comes naturally to me. I can speed-read pretty well.

Gift-giving. I am an awesome gift-giver. Most of my Christmas gifts for those closest to me are homemade, or have some sentimentality attached to it. I usually remember things that people have mentioned that they want. But again, I usually focus on homemade or sentimental gifts. I personally believe that it's better to give someone something that you put some work into or that would remind them of a special memory or be specifically designed for that individual. I give gifts pretty well.

So there you have it- a list of some things I can do pretty well. And just since it's a beautiful Friday, here is a clip from my sister's performance at Solid Ground Cafe. (She also has a amazingly wonderful CD out if you are interested.) Enjoy!

Much Love!

Intuition

2008-11-10T08:53:00.001-08:00

There are times that I feel that prodding of intuition, the little voice in my head, the internal insistence on doing something or saying something or prohibiting myself from doing something or saying something. What I really need to do is pay more attention to these little universal hints. I find myself doubting these feelings and thoughts and then end up wondering why I pushed them away in the first place.

I believe in intuition. I believe that there is a little part of one's brain or soul or wherever the button's hidden that has a forsight that we cannot understand and some fail to utilize.

"Mother's Intuition" is considered an acceptable form of this internal power. It's known and accepted. But what about those of us that still feel this little power and have no children to explain our highly attuned sense of knowledge? (And men?)

I fight intution. I'm not sure why I do this. As stated above, I believe in it. It's possible that as I constantly doubt myself, I doubt ALL parts of myself. It's possible that as I have so many ponderous thoughts inside my head, I fail to sort through what is just random brain activity compared to actual intution that is screaming for attention. It's possible that I am simply unable to determine what intution is exactly. It's also possible that I have ended up getting in trouble for following my intuition and sometimes doubt that it's beneficial. Whatever the reason, I fight it.

There have been times when I confuse intuition with a lack of trust. Is it something internal telling me something, or is it my own lack of trust trying to catch somebody in the act? The thing that absolutely gets me is no matter how much I tell myself that it's just me being untrusting, there's always been something to find. Whether it be intution, or everyone is guilty of hiding something, I don't know. (Don't jump to conclusions- I'm talking about my entire life and not just since I've been with Michael.)

When I got my DUI, I was getting ready to leave a lot earlier than I ended up staying. Chad and I had been at Green Street for long enough and we were just about done. My intution told me to leave. Someone showed up and we ended up staying later. And drinking more. Would I have been fine if I listened to my intuition? Possibly. Would I have ended up getting a DUI at some point? Probably. So in that instance, it was inevitable that I was going to get "caught" at some point. Intuition could possibly have prevented it that night, but not forever.

I failed my intuition today. One of the small failings that doesn't impact my life in any serious way whatsoever. When I was walking out this morning, intuition told me to grab my camera. Instead of doing that, my brain took over and said "Why? What would you take a picture of that's any different than every other day?". But on the way to work as I was stopped at a stoplight, I looked over towards the 7-11 on the corner. And there were two bright white (seriously BRIGHT white) pigeons taking a bath in a puddle against the curb. It was such a beautiful sight, actually. Among the dirt and rain and darkness were two white pigeons brightening everything up. So I should have had my camera......

I am going to start paying more attention to the prodding of intuition, that internal voice in my head, that insistence.

Much Love!

Ode To The Candy Bar

2008-11-06T15:09:00.000-08:00

I'm not a big candy person. I have never been known for having a sweet tooth. And I'm not even a fan of chocolate, for the most part. So I'm surprising myself right now by enjoying a chocolate candy bar. I mean, really enjoying it! So I've decided to make a list of the top 10 candy bars/candy that I actually enjoy every now and then. Most of them will not be chocolate-related. But here are the top 10 sweets in my book.

10: Mister Goodbar. Which is currently the candy bar I am eating right now.

9: Skittles. Except for the red and orange ones.

8: Laffy Taffy. Chewy goodness.

7: Swedish Fish. Just the red ones.

6: Mike and Ike's. Except for the red and orange ones.

5: Reese's Pieces. Mostly for the insides, not the chocolate.

4: Twix. The one chocolate that makes it into my top 5 for actually being chocolate.

3: Salted Nut Roll. Salt and marshmallow. Perfect.

2: Mentos. All of them.

1: Sour Patch Kids. Just can't eat too many or the tongue hurts.

So there you go. My list of sweets. In case you really needed to know what sugary goodness I enjoy. (Don't pretend like it wasn't just killing you inside to not know!)

:)

Much Love!

Success

2008-11-06T09:41:00.001-08:00

My Jessica Appreciation Day dinner was a success. 7 others joined me at the Old Spaghetti Factory for some scrumptious pasta and good conversation.

I usually keep my friends separate. Sequestered in a way. I don't know the exact reasoning for this. Possibly because my friendships are close ones (fewer CLOSE friends rather than a ton of friends not so close) and I like my alone time with them. As I don't spend a lot of time with people (due to the fact that I'm a bit of a hermit), I like my time with them to be quality time.

So it was interesting to get different friends together. We had Hailey and Reid. I work with Hailey and she is an awesome friend. Reid is her husband who I also adore. Then there's Joe. I've known Joe for years now. Back in the day when I actually met people from Myspace (pathetic, I know), he was one of those people. Joe and I became instant friends and I love the guy. Billy. What to say about him? He's my friendship soulmate. Then there's Ray. Ray is Billy's childhood friend who Billy and I lived with in an apartment in Sugarhouse at one point. We'd sit around for hours and throw things up into the ceiling fan and dodge them when they would come flying towards us at high speeds. Ray is good people. And then there was Celeste. Celeste is one of Michael's old friends. He actually dated her at one point. I love my Celeste. (And no, I don't have a problem with the fact that he dated her. She is too cool and real.) And then Ben. Ben is actually an ex that I dated for about a year. Things didn't work out with us, but he is a very good friend of mine.

So that was the table. Different people that have mostly never met. People that I love. Jessica Appreciation Day was a success and reminded me yet again that there are some very special people in my life that care about me. And as Michael so eloquently put over text last night: "Everyday is Jessica Appreciation Day because people love you".

Now moving on since I don't want to beat a dead horse about the new national holiday that occured yesterday.

I have found a place to live when Michael leaves!!! It's been a HUGE stress for me not knowing that I'll have a place to stay when Michael goes. But a co-worker that is my friend actually asked if I wanted to come stay at her house. She has a 2-story house in Sandy with 2 extra bedrooms and I can bring Sunni. So that's the plan. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Sometimes, thing do work out. I'm still going to miss Michael with everything I have, but at least I am strong enough to do what I have to do and continue on with my life. As long as you do your part, the Universe will provide.

And finally, a funny story. Yesterday when I was leaving for work, I dug out the snow brush and was brushing away the snow from my car. This old lady drove up and stopped right in front of my car. She then pointed at her side windows. I held up the snow brush and she nodded. So I walked over and brushed off her car. She smiled at me and drove off. Random. And hey- where's my tip?

Much Love!

Jessica Appreciation Day

2008-11-05T16:51:00.001-08:00

I declared today as "Jessica Appreciation Day" due to my desperate need to feel loved and cared for these days.

Me and 7 of my close friends are getting together for dinner for this celebration.

I just thought you all should be aware of this new national holiday.

Much Love!

Friendship Do's And Don'ts

2008-11-05T13:57:00.000-08:00

Have any of you noticed that there are different types of friends? There are so many different types of relationships we have with each other. I have friends that I don't see very often but are still friends. I have long-distance friends (Hey, Courtney!) that I don't ever see OR talk to very often but will always be people that I consider close to my heart. There are friends that I spend most of my time with and surround myself with. No matter which type of friend people are to me, they have only wanted me happy. And in doing so, they support my relationships and decisions. They support me when I'm sad, support me when I'm happy, support me whether or not they agree with what I do. They do not try to talk me out of something I'm passionate about. They do not try to come between me and my relationships. They let me live my life and do what makes me happy without trying to interfere for their own selfish reasons.

What I absolutely do NOT understand is a friend who interferes in your relationship, who tries to talk you out of being with someone, who manipulates and interferes and spreads lies in a crude attempt towards watching the relationship fail. I do not understand why someone can actually consider themselves a friend while constantly and intentionally causing grief. I do not understand how someone can claim that they love someone and care about them, but have no respect for what that person wants and needs. I do not understand how being a good friend consists of lying and exaggerating and being completely unsupportive and selfish. Does this make sense to anyone else?

I like to surround myself with people that help bring me up, not tear me down. I like to have friends that help me when I need help and give me advice when I ask, but don't stick their noses where they don't belong. I like to surround myself with people that are true and genuine and open-minded to other people's differences. This is who I am and this is who I desire around me.

And because I surround myself with these people, I am extremely loyal and even somewhat protective. If anyone says something bad about those I hold near and dear, I will rush to defend that person. My family, my friend, Michael. It doesn't matter. I will rush to defend them and be anywhere from slightly annoyed to angry that they would even say something bad about them. Even while going through all this with Michael, my friends and family still do not voice negative thoughts about him to me.

My point is that true friends build you up and support you. UNtrue friends try to sabatoge happiness and try to make decisions FOR you so that your attention never wavers to someone else. Whether it be due to feelings one has for the person, whether it be a poor self-image, whether it be the need to dominate, whatever. It's not a true and healthy friendship.

So thank you to my good friends. My friends who raise me up and let me live my life how I want to. I love you.

Much Love!

Cupidity

2008-11-03T13:43:00.000-08:00

I was going to blog about Michael. I was going to blog about his "friends". I was going to blog about how I'm feeling. I was going to blog about my impending homelessness (is that a word????). But I changed my mind.

Instead, I am going to blog about the weather. Or how my day is going. Or my dog. Or my Halloween night. Or how I need to get working on Christmas presents. Or how I need to replace the CV something in my car. Or how I'm working 10 hours of overtime a week to put towards paying off my loan.

Anything but Michael.

Final result: I'm blogging about online crushes.

I must be honest and admit that I have online crushes. People I have never met and never will meet. Yet I have crushes on them all the same. I used to play on Myspace until I remembered that I'm not a 16-year-old girl. So I got over that. My only online social contact is this here blogspot. Which means that these online crushes are on a person or persons that blog here. Intruguing perhaps?

It stems from how writing a blog actually exhibits part of one's personality. The small part of ourselves that we allow to expose to the world. Meaning my blog isn't ME. There are parts of me in it, but it's not ME. Just as I know that my online crushes are on bits of people's personalities. Maybe with someone it's the way that they write. Maybe with someone else it's the stories they tell. Or maybe it's for a completely different reason altogether. There's no rhyme or reason to it. It exists solely because it exists.

So........ do I have a crush on you? Only I know.

Much Love!

Update

2008-11-02T12:38:00.000-08:00

I lost the fight against tears.

Ask And You Shall Recieve

2008-11-02T11:40:00.000-08:00

In my Arizona/Kansas post, I talked about the possibility of moving to Montana with Michael. And as I'm sitting here looking out the window on a dark and dreary day, I am sharing my immediate future with you all.

Michael has friends. Friends that I previously discussed. The story is this: months ago they were having financial problems and were in danger of losing their house. Michael sat down with them and worked out a budget with them as a way to save their house. All they had to do was follow it and they would be okay. But buying new guns and alcohol is a priority, apparently. Their house is getting forclosed on this month. And they want to move to Montana with Michael. Like I stated before, I simply cannot live with a household of people. It would seriously be almost a gun-in-mouth situation for me. So as stated earlier, I told Michael that I cannot live with them.

Michael has chosen to move to Montana with them and leave me behind.

So for those of you that wanted me to stick around Utah, your wish has been granted.

I'm a little heartbroken. But I'm also a little uplifted. I put my life on hold for the last couple of months. Yep, put my life on hold for Michael. So at least now I can have my life back, right? I can do what I want to do without having to worry about him. I can rediscover myself on my own terms. And that's not a bad thing.

I can't lie and pretend that everything is okay. It's not. I am being left behind and that's something I never thought would happen by Michael. But I suppose you can never really know somebody.

I just need to remind myself that it's just one person. Not every man cheats. And not every man stomps all over your heart. Not every man hurts. I need to keep that in focus to prevent myself from completely giving up.

And now I find myself homeless, yet again. I'm fighting tears and I'm fighting the desire to give up. I'm fighting myself for control. I'm fighting despair. I'm fighting for my sanity and I'm fighting for ME.

One day at a time.

I cannot and do not hate Michael. He is making a decision the he feels is right and I cannot fault him for that. He wants to help his friends and I think that's admirable. I just get tired of being the sacrifice of someone else's worthy cause. I get tired of being the one left behind.

I am not a spiteful person. And I do not hold grudges. I hope that Michael is making the right choice for himself. I hope that he is happy and is able to enjoy life. Sincerely.

If you ask me if I am alright, my answer is: I WILL BE.

Much Love!

Decorating Contest

2008-10-29T16:29:00.000-07:00

One of our "activities" for the month of October is a row decorating contest. Decorating it up for Halloween and in time for all the kiddies to come through trick-or-treating. There were four entries. Which one do you think should have won?

Row 1:

Row 2:

Row 3:

Row 4:

I personally believe that ROW 4 should have won. That's MY row. That I alone personally decorated. And my decorating is the most original out of all of them. Did you see it? Did you see why it's the best? It's SO completely obvious.

I'll give you a closer look:

An orange Mento! I got into the spirit of Halloween SO much. I mean, Mentos are one of the few candies that I actually enjoy. And I sacrificed my last orange Mento for the cause. We totally should have won.....

Much Love!

Intelligent Design?

2008-10-29T12:44:00.000-07:00

I have always thought of myself as a bit more intelligent than the average American. I'm definately no genius and I'm definately not a LOT more intelligent. Just a little bit. My father is a pretty smart dude. My mother is a pretty smart chica. My siblings are all quite the intellectuals. Though I do have to say that my brother is probably the smartest of us all. He's a civil engineer who actually got a full-ride scholarship to college due to his excellent brain. So yah, I have the good brain genes going for me. In high school I would never do my homework, but ace all of the tests. So my graduating GPA was 3.5. Not bad considering I spent 0% of my high school career studying. My ACT score came back with a combined 28. The average is 22-24. I received certificates in excelling at "Science Reasoning", "English", and the combined score. My job is a complicated one that requires almost perfection and extreme attention to detail dealing with numbers. I have always loved Math, so it's perfect for me. And I'm just not capable of having a job where I don't feel challenged.

I never went to college. At first, I just didn't have the desire. Then as the years went on, I didn't have the financing. As I was living with my Kansas mom at the time, I didn't qualify based on my own salary. They based it off my parent's salary. Even though I claimed myself on my taxes, had a full time job, etc. My Kansas mom and dad made too much for me to get a student loan that would be enough to cover the required amount. So I gave up.

I'm still constantly challenged at work. Those closest to me are intelligent people themselves, which also challenges me. I prefer reading over watching TV. I prefer deep and ponderous discussions rather than mundane silly conversations. Most of the time, at least. But.....

I can feel my brain draining. I can tell that I'm losing some of the smarts I once had. I use what is in my brain, but don't practice using brain matter that isn't constantly active. It's like muscles. Without exercise they lose their power. Without exercising my brain, I'm losing brain power. And that is killing me.

I would rather be smart than beautiful. I would rather have an intelligent conversation than have men gawk at me. I always have, and I believe that I always will.

So the question is: How in the world do I exercise that part of my brain that doesn't consist of numbers? How do I gain further knowledge in different aspects when I don't have an outlet for the knowledge? How do I educate myself on things that won't be graded, reviewed, or assessed? Reading creates knowledge, I know that much. But what to read? Do I just sign up for a new library card and run around grabbing history books and philosophy books and religious books and psychology/sociology/zoology books?

I'm not losing my potential for intelligence. I'm just losing some of the intelligence I once had. I'd like to build that back up, if possible.

I'm cute, but not beautiful. So I damn well better be intelligent.

Much Love!

Notebooks

2008-10-28T09:18:00.000-07:00

During the move, I have rediscovered some old notebooks of mine. And I have been pouring through them hungrily. I have been so many different people in my 29 years and have been writing random journals and poetry since I was 8. 21 years of random records of the people I have been. It's fascinating. So I decided that I'm going to share some of my words with anyone who cares to read them. Some have stories behind them, some are very cryptic. Some rhyme, some are rambling half-sentences. Some make sense and some are just silly. But they are all MINE. So here is my first installment in my efforts to "get the word out".

This is a cryptic one that means something to me but may not necessarily mean anything to anyone else. And it's somewhat long. But I'm sharing it anyways. :)

the senseless and abondoneless
meet in a room filled with cigarette smoke
and the scent of coffee that's been brewing for hours
foreign and bold
familiar and comforting
i hear the words that are spoken with deaf ears
there's that girl that broke your heart
i accidentally hurt myself yet didn't realize it until I was healing
now i carry bandaids in my purse
it's been a long time since i've won the game
and even then the game was lost
no promises to give you answers
no questions you've ever asked
i'm cage-dancing in my mind
but not one goddamn person is watching
no one but my alter ego
the other woman that hides inside me
the woman of extremes and waterfalls
tenderness and guilt
do not disembark on the journey without your medallions
of all the conquests you've claimed victory before
accepted and understood in the world you are headed to
implanted is the virus
you flounder and i wonder
then i wander and you give chase
the seams come undone it seems
nobody on the phone
has it all been my fault?
the bottomless pit of disrepair
the power outage of tranquility
been doing it for a while yet just realized I'd been doing it all along
too concerned to tell the truth
innocent love can hurt more
the lonely and saturated can pierce
feel like speaking, feel like being listened to
shaking with the knowledge that i could've been hurt
finances, romances
the sountrack of pornography while reading the Bible
there are people that actually see me
and then there are people that look
do you look or do you see?
chaos doesn't become you
good thing you push me away before I get too close
try not to regret it if you give it a second thought
though the memories are too common
the sordid affair not so sordid after all

Much Love!

Halloween and Stuff

2008-10-27T13:44:00.000-07:00

I love Halloween. I always have and I always will. Now that I'm older, it's for the fun parties and dressing up like a complete slut and having it be socially acceptable. But when I was younger.......

My step-mom is an excellent seamstress, and very very creative. So a month or two before Halloween, we'd decide what we wanted to be and by Halloween we would have these amazing costumes that nobody else had since they were homemade! For example, one year I decided that I wanted to be a Black Widow Spider. I'm not sure why. But that's what I wanted to be. So my mom made me an awesome costume. I had all these legs poking out all around me and the appropriate red marks on the belly and back. It was awesome! Until I knocked Larissa Larson's punch over with one of my legs. She got mad at me and I felt dumb. Until I remembered that I was wearing the coolest costume EVER.

I never wanted to be something cute. I always wanted to be something scary. I know that a lot of little girls want to be princesses and fairies and things of that sort. I just wanted to be dark. I've decided to make a list of the cool Halloween costumes that my mom made for me.

-Vampire

-Witch (for a few years)

-Black Widow Spider

-Bat

-Car Accident Victim

-Dead Bride

Then I grew up a bit and found random things to wear- just so I was wearing SOMETHING that would still permit my teenage self to get candy.

And then I grew up even more and now focus on the skimpy slutty costumes. The one day a year where it's socially acceptable to dress like a prostitute, as I've noted before. My costume this year is camoflauge-style slut. I tried it on for Michael last night, and let's just say that he likes it.......

So....... what was YOUR favorite costume from childhood? Mine will always be the spider. Share your favorites with me.

Much Love!

P.S. If ONE more person yells at me on the phone today, I'm leaving work early. I don't deserve to be treated like that.

Ouch

2008-10-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

Note to self: Do not push Chad while loosely holding change for a Mountain Dew. Inevitabely, said Chad will fling his arm back at you. Which will jar loose the change. Which will then fly at a very high velocity and hit you hard (and loudly) in the head.

Ouch.

Much Love!

October 23rd, 2007

2008-10-22T15:26:00.001-07:00

No, I didn't get the date wrong. I'm writing about the events of October 23rd, 2007. This is how my day went a year ago tomorrow:

I got dressed up all pretty. Nice slacks, a nice button-up shirt, nice shoes. I didn't wear a hat, which is unual for me around this time of year. I proceeded to come in to work and put in a couple of hours. Then I left for a long lunch. I went down the street a ways and walked into a building. In that building, I heard the following (not in the same wording AT ALL):

"Your sentencing is as follows:

20 mandatory outpatient substance abuse classes

104 self-help AA meetings

Random drug and alcohol testing

16-hour Prime For Life DUI class

1-hour Freeway Watch meeting

48 hours of community service in liu of 2 days in jail

$1400 file

Interlock device installed in vehicle

Monthly supervised probation

Alcohol restricted license for the next 2 years

We will see you back here in 90 days to review your case."

Yep, that was October 23rd, 2007. Not a good day for me. But October 23rd, 2008 will be much better!

I have done my time and satisfied all my probationary requirements. And though I was previously released from my more intrusive "supervised probation", starting tomorrow I can get rid of the word "probation" in any sense of the word from my vocabulary. No probationary status. No worries of probation violation. Not under probation, or on probation. No probationary period.

Probation? What's that?

Much Love!

Arizona/Montana

2008-10-20T12:12:00.001-07:00

Maybe you have noticed, or maybe you haven't. But I don't blog about serious things in my life very much. Mostly because I'm not ready to reveal them to the world, or I'm not sure about them yet, or whatever. But some things are happening that I need to get off my chest. So here are some major things going on in my life (and the life of others).

Arizona. My little sister Emily got her mission call and opened it last night. I was supposed to be there, but spaced it since I was curled into a ball all day due to cramps. (TMI?) Tucson, Arizona. This is something that I have avoided talking about and thinking about. I love my entire family. I am very lucky since they really are all amazing people that I'm honestly close to. I don't have to pretend to like any of them. But Emily..... I was 8 years old when Emily was born and at that age, all I wanted to do was be her second mommy. I would try to beat my mom to Emily's crib when she was crying in the night. I'd hang out with Emily all the time. So there's this feeling that I have for Emily that I don't have with any of my other siblings. Including my older brother and sister who I grew up with. And Emily is leaving. I have mixed feelings. I do not consider myself a member of the LDS church. I don't follow the teachings and don't believe in those beliefs. But I have always been of the attitude of letting people be who they are and believe what they want- and support them in that. So I am so extremely proud of Emily for choosing to go on a mission. It's going to be such an exciting thing for her and I truly believe that she will have a great time and strengthen her views and beliefs. Which is excellent. But on the flip side- I don't want her to go. It's hard for me to imagine family dinners without her being there. It's hard for me to imagine not being able to call or text her whenever I feel like it. There's going to be a big piece of our family missing for a year and a half. And though it's for a good thing, it's still hard. And the thing is- she's leaving December 17th for the MTC. What in the world is Christmas going to be without her? And my hell- that's less than 2 months away! I need to adjust.

Montana. If things go the way they are looking, I'll be moving. Most likely to Montana. Michael is getting transferred and he's supposed to find out today where he is headed. And I have decided to go with him. The only possible problem is that some friends of his want to move to Montana, too. That in itself isn't the problem. I'd be glad that Michael would have some friends with him. The problem is that they may need a place to live for a while. Going from living by myself for 4 years to living with another person and another dog is an adjustment in itself. But there's absolutely no way that I could stand to live with Michael, 2 grown adults, two teenagers, two kids, an infant, FOUR dogs and some cats. I would NOT be able to stand it. So if Michael makes the decision to live with them, even until they get on their feet, I'm not going. When I say it like that, it makes me sound like I'm making him choose between them and me. Which is absolutely not the case. If I knew that I would be okay with all those people around, I would be absolutely fine with helping them out. But I know for a fact that there's no possible way that I could remain sane in that environment. I'm used to quiet. I'm used to my alone time. I'm used to walking around in my underwear. I hate interruptions and distractions and noise. And I'm a borderline insomniac. Do you see my dilema? So depending on whether this family finds a way to help themselves, I may or may not be moving. To Montana.

So there you have it. Two very big things that have been preying on my mind that I needed to just get out. I'm on shaky ground right now with my emotions. I'm fighting the stress that is trying to build up inside me. I'm taking herbal supplement type meds to help out with certain aspects of my psyche that need some fine-tuning. I keep alternating between feeling excited and optimistic, to feeling terrified and hopeless. At work I'm either pushing myself harder and harder, or sitting and staring out the window. I just really need to know what my immediate future holds. I can't prepare for it when it's unknown. I'm a coward when it comes to change until it happens. Once the change happens, I'm able to acclimate very well and adapt and adjust. But right now- when I know Emily is leaving but she hasn't gone yet- and when I know Michael is leaving with or without me but he/we haven't gone yet- this is when my anxiety comes out and parades itself down the Main Street of my mind.

Comfort food. Soup. That's what I need.

Much Love!

Conversation

2008-10-17T13:28:00.000-07:00

The following is a conversation that I heard today as I was walking into my office building.

Lady 1- "Are you serious?"

Lady 2- "Yep. Can you believe she said that?"

L1- "What a bitch. Do you think any of it is true? I know she is trying to come between them, but COULD he be cheating?"

L2- "No way. I totally don't get that vibe from him. You know?"

L1- "Maybe. I just don't trust men. Any man. Not after what Jeff put me through."

L2- Laughs. "Yah, I know what you mean. He was such a dick. You are SO better off without him."

L1- "I know. So should we tell Sarah what Jenny said? Or should be just pretend we never heard anything and see what happens on Saturday?"

L2- "Let's let it be for now. But I'm going to keep my eye on him at the party to see how he acts. And if he hurts Sarah, I'll cut off his balls."

And then I got on the elevator and missed the rest of the conversation. So what I took from it is that L1 and L2 are friends with Sarah who is with some guy. Rumors about the guy cheating are apparently being spread by Jenny who is trying to come between them. And L1 was cheated on by someone named Jeff.

The thing that gets me, the reason I'm even blogging about it is because I didn't hear this conversation going on between two people in person. L1 was talking on her cell phone with L2. ON SPEAKER! Why in the world would you have a conversation like that and keep it on speakerphone????? L1 was walking to the building as I was and was just holding her phone in front of her and having the above conversation. WHAT????? As admitted to before, I'm a voyer and like to hear other people's conversations. But only when I make the effort to do it. I don't like it being shoved down my throat. I just don't understand why someone wouldn't think that maybe, just maybe, that's a conversation that would be better left private.

But.... it also gives me an idea. I'm thinking it would be fun to have certain conversations on speaker-phone in public. About bodily functions. Or explicit details of someone's sex life. Or how the "operation" went. Or about the status of a rash. Or about the results of an STD test and if it is treatable. Or any other tabboo subject that no decent or sane person would talk about loudly on speaker-phone in public......

It's Monday

2008-10-13T12:37:00.000-07:00

Meaning I'm too busy to write much. So I will share three videos that make me laugh. (Keep in mind that I have a odd and childish sense of humor.)

And

And

I Can't Stop It

2008-10-08T16:36:00.001-07:00

Sometimes things pop out of my mouth that I have no intention on actually saying. Not really mean or bad things, either. Just silly things that really would be better off not being said. Or at least I'd seem less odd and less insane if I'd keep my trap shut. For example:

I just got off the phone with a policyholder. (I work for an insurance company, if you didn't already know that.) This particular policyholder is a MALE policyholder. He was worried about a claim that he didn't need to worry about. So I literally said to him:

"Don't worry your pretty little head about it."

?????? WHAT ??????

Much Love!

I Am A Mass Murderer

2008-10-07T16:08:00.000-07:00

Yep, it's true.

I've been dedicating a minimum of an hour a day to cleaning up and moving stuff since I gave my notice. Since I'm throwing away so much, it's actually going pretty well. But then I got to the bathroom.....

First of all, the lighting in my bathroom is horrible. There's an itsy bitsy light that doesn't brighten much and a corner where they randomly threw the toilet that is dark and gloomy. It has always been dark and gloomy, but.....

Imagine what one would find when cleaning the darkened corners of the bathroom that hasn't been used in over two months.....

How about a billion of these:

I had been grabbing things off the floor that were haphazardly thrown there by the landlady and cleaning people during the whole construction fiasco when I noticed movement. Further scrutiny uncovered a giant pregnant spider that had almost attacked my hand. Now spiders aren't a big fear of mine. I don't LIKE them, per say, but I don't hate or fear them either. Unless they are HUGE and scary- and pregnant. Fortunately for me, I had a can of Raid on the kitchen counter due to previous spider infestations. The joys of living in a dark basement apartment....

Anyways, so I zapped the giant pregnant spider with a tiny bit of Raid in order to disorient it so that it wasn't able to cling to the towel and/or progress further towards my hand in vengeance. It was huge enough that it made an audible THUNK when it hit the floor. The idea was to squash it immediately after hitting the floor since I feel absolutely horrible by letting spiders die a long painful death from Raid suffocation. But, just after the audible THUNK, my cell phone rang. It was the people that were there to pick up my entertainment center that I so artistically illustrated yesterday. They came and picked up the entertainment center with my assistance since my muscles are so huge. I immediately went back to the dark and gloomy bathroom to find that the huge giant pregnant spider was no longer visable.....

I used the bottom of the can of Raid to squash around through things before picking them up to dispose of them. Into the bag more and more items go, still invisible is the giant pregnant spider. I grabbed the handle of a basket I had used for the toilet bowl cleaning brush and toilet bowl cleaner- and it lunged. Okay, it didn't actually lunge. But it did suddenly appear and with its enormous body started making its way towards my hand yet again. I immediately dropped the basket on the ground and watched as it climbed around with its long demonic legs. And then noticed MORE movement from ANOTHER dark corner, which also happened to be a spider. Not as large and not as obviously pregnant, but equally jarring. At this point, aware that I had probably just invaded a pit of arachnids, I blew. Needless to say, I emptied the entire can of Raid in the area and left.

I'm sure tonight I will find huge piles of spiders bodies as I return to the room of doom and gloom. I am a mass murderer.

Much Love!

Bag Lady

2008-10-06T14:13:00.000-07:00

Moving is a big giant pain. I assure you. And it's an even bigger pain when you aren't capable of throwing anything away. Until you need to move and get angry at how much crap you have accumulated since moving in to your apartment. I have BAGS and BAGS of just crap that I'm throwing away. I have BAGS and BAGS of crap that I'm giving to the DI. I have BAGS and BAGS of clothing and things like that which is all heading over to Michael's. Basically, I'm the bag lady.

And here is my extremely crude drawing of an entertainment center that I am giving away for free. Which actually looks nothing like the actual entertainment center itself. But I've been sending it in response to inquiries, anyways. Because I'm crazy like that.

Final thing for any Family Guy fans: Haven't you heard? Bird is the word.

Much Love!

Pants

2008-10-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

So today I was walking down the hallway at work to go to the bathroom, as I've been known to do. And a random thought popped into my head. It said "There's something funny about the butt of these pants."

As I have been living out of a suitcase for the past 2 months, I haven't carried around all my clothes. Obviously. So I've been packing around a few pairs of jeans and left the others at my apartment. In packing up my clothes to bring to Michael's, I have rediscovered all my other billion pairs of jeans. Seriously, how many jeans does one person need? As I can't own jeans and have them go to waste, I have been wearing the other lonely jeans in for the past two days.

Yesterday as I was leaving Michael's (soon to just be called "home") in the morning, a random though popped into my head saying "There's something funny about the legs of these pants." But Michael was sleeping and I was already out the door. So I just left. When I got to work, I looked dow and sure enough, I remembered exactly WHY I didn't tow these particular pants around. The last time I wore them, I noticed that the bottom hem was ripped and hanging. I stepped on the hem to rip off part of it, and it did more than that. It ripped off the whole bottom and then ripped up the leg a bit. So I walked around yesterday with a severe case of pants that looked like bell-bottom floods.

(Not mine below)

Back to my butt. The seam in the back is off. You know what I'm talking about- the seam that is supposed to go up the crack. It's off. It's more on one cheek than in the middle. And it bothers me. It's not like it's a big deal. Unless someone is doing a careful examination of my butt, they wouldn't even notice. But I do.

My point is- moving is a good thing as it forces you to get rid of the junk and crap and pants that you don't wear for a reason. And a giant box of stuffed animals that have no memories attached to them. Not even one small memory.....

Much Love!

A Ghost Story

2008-10-01T14:55:00.000-07:00

I have decided that Michael's house is haunted. I know that some people scoff at the idea of ghosts, spirits, leftover energy, whatever you want to call them. And everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But my opinion is that there are such things as the supernatural and there's something in Michael's house. Hear me out.

There have been a few times that I have actually heard someone talking to me while I am almost asleep. It's been a whisper here and there, and an actual quiet voice here and there. It doesn't scare me, it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable or anything like that, so I don't even mind it. Which may sound wierd considering that something is talking to me when I'm at Michael's house alone. But I just don't get a bad feeling about it.

With my whole living situation, Michael and I have decided to cohabitate. Live together. I'm moving in. (Wahoo!) Michael decided that since I'll be living there and he's gone a lot that he'd feel more comfortable with me having a shotgun handy. He sat me down and went through the process with me. It's ingrained in my head now. Push up button, cock it (click click!), flip off the safety, push the button for the flashlight if needed, and BOOM! I have a small fear of guns, but only because I don't understand them. Knowing how to protect myself if it came down to it feels good. So I am armed and dangerous now when it comes to someone trying to break in to rape and kill me.

Anyways, so I had brought over some bags of clothes to Michael's house last night. I threw some clothes in the washer and went outside to read. After the insistent beep-beep of the washer letting me know it was done, I went back downstairs to throw the clothes in the dryer. That was when I heard someone walking around upstairs. I'm not kidding, I'm not exagerating, whatever. Someone was walking around upstairs and that's a fact. I felt real terror. My heart started pumping, I started sweating. Pictures of me raped and killed flashed through my head. I thought about how it would hurt my friends and family. I wondered who would find my body. I'm not kidding, people- these are actual thoughts that I had while I was just standing there frozen in terror. And then I got pissed. The shotgun is in the bedroom upstairs. I was stuck in the landry room downstairs. How was I going to get to the gun? I looked around the landry room for something, anything, to defend myself and give me the distraction I needed to get to the gun. The only thing I found was a can of brake parts cleaner which we use as spider-killer. So I grabbed the can and shook it to get it ready. I crept up the stairs as silently as I could. I couldn't see anyone in the kitchen so I made my way to the bedroom. Dropped the break-parts cleaner and grabbed the shotgun. Got it all ready to be fired with the exception of the safety, as I wouldn't want to panic at something stupid and shoot a hole in Michael's wall. I looked like a bad-ass, actually. Little 5 foot tall, 95 pound me with a big old shotgun. Anyways, so I went through the entire apartment checking the closets and dark corners. Nothing. Both the front and back doors were still locked up tight. The place was empty. At least it was empty of a living breathing human being (other than myself, obviously).

Now if I had been drinking or sleeping, I could tell myself that I imagined it. But I genuinely did not imagine this. I don't have a super-active imagination that actually makes me imagine sounds and the like. It was real.

I'm not scared of the ghost walking around and talking to me. I just wish it would do it a little more quietly so I didn't assume I was going to be violently attacked. Maybe if I ask nicely????

Much Love!

Zap

2008-09-30T13:34:00.000-07:00

The following is a tribute to my dear sister. I only post this out of love for her. And because it makes me laugh. Hysterically.

Much Love from me and my buddy Jesus.

Change Of Subject

2008-09-29T10:42:00.000-07:00

All I hear these days is talk about:

The Bail-Out

The Election

Sarah Palin

Football

My Living Situation

Granted, I do have an interest in all of these things. But I'd really like to talk with people about something OTHER than those things every now and then. So here is a list of things that I would like to talk about with anyone.

Burger King Commercials. You know what I'm talking about- the ones with "The King". I laugh loudly at the newest one with reverse pick-pocketing. If you haven't seen it yet, you definately need to watch more TV just so you can experience that pleasure. Let's talk about "The King".

The 80's style. Hypo-color T-shirts, fluorescent colors, big hair, Reeboks, stretch pants, parachute pants, sweaters with animals on them, side ponytails, pegged pants, tie-dye..... I could go on and on and on. Oh, the horror of it all. Let's talk about the 80's style.

Books. Books on philosophy, books on religious matters, fictional suspense books, true crime books, Oprah's Book Club books, made-into-movie books, romance books, sci-fi books, biographies, etc. Let's talk about books.

Halloween costumes. The one time a year I allow myself to dress like a prostitute and it's 100% socially acceptable. What's everyone dressing up as this year? What are your kids going to be dressed up as? Are these costumes being bought at a store? Online? Homemade? Let's talk about Halloween costumes.

Planet Earth. Either the show, or the planet itself. I bought Michael the BBC series called "Planet Earth" for his birthday. It's pretty awesome and explains SO much about how climates affect the animals that live there and things like that. Desserts, caves, the Arctic, oceans. Pretty much everything about the planet. It's really fascinating and now I have some new useless but interesting facts in my head. Let's talk about Planet Earth. Or the planet.

High school mascots. My high school mascot was a Colt. That's dumb. I always hated being a Cottonwood Colt. Was that the only mascot left that started with a "C"? I guess it could have been worse- I could have been a Cottonwood Cow. What was your mascot? Let's talk about high school mascots.

Value menus at fast food places. I hardly order from the value menus (I'm talking about things like that dollar menu at McDonald's and the like). But realistically, is the value menu food much worse than the rest of the menu? Like you can get a spicy chicken sandwich on the dollar menu, OR you can get a grilled chicken sandwich for full price. A little bit of a size difference and taste difference, but enough to spend an extra $3 on? I will, from now on, chastize myself for not ordering from the slightly less blase value menu food. Thoughts? Let's talk about value menus.

I'll stop for now as the above should give us plenty to talk about. For now, let's have a change of subject.

Much Love!

One Year Cheese

2008-09-22T10:52:00.001-07:00

One year ago yesterday, September 21st 2007, I went to the Canyon Inn with some friends. My friend Travis had just quit work and we were having a "going away" party for him. I had been chatting with this guy online for a little bit and we decided to meet up. I emailed the guy and told him that I was going to be at the Canyon Inn with some friends and he should come up if he feels the urge. He emailed back and said that he would be there with some of his friends. I dressed for a mix of hanging out with friends, and taking it up a notch for a possible meeting of this new guy. My friend Katie came with me for the emotional support aspect of it. Some interesting and drama-related things had happened with someone in my group of friends so I was trying to avoid this person as much as possible. Katie and I grabbed some beers and went outside. I texted the guy to say that I was there, and he came over with two of his friends. We spent the rest of the night talking and laughing. I brought up all sorts of inappropriate conversation topics for just meeting someone, and yet he STILL stayed. I ended up forgetting completely about my friends that I had even gone there with. Where am I going with this? Well, that guy was Michael. Even though we had a bit of a break, yesterday was our 1-year anniversary. Though we weren't "together" the whole year, I'm taking it as an anniversary anyways. If nothing else, the anniversary of when we met. It's funny to think back to that night we met. He didn't think I was interested mostly due to the lack of eye contact. Now that he knows me, he understands that I'm just not good with eye contact at all. With anyone. He was wearing a white polo shirt, and I haven't seen him wear one since. I remember worrying that though I really liked him, I wouldn't like him as much once beer wasn't flowing through my veins. The very next day we went to the park and ate Blimpie sandwiches in his truck. He held my hand and my heart hasn't stopped pounding since. On our first official date, we went to Red Lobster. Anyone that can stand to be around me at Red Lobster scores major points. Crab leg shells flying, garlic butter dripping down my chin.... I'm not a feminine eater when you give me seafood. And the conversation flowed, he made me laugh, and there was genuine chemisty. He kissed me and the world stopped moving. And here we are a year later. I'm still flinging crab leg shells, he's still trying to make eye contact, and it works. We've had our moments. We've had our fights. But we are still here, still together. Still "Michael and Jessica". Happy Anniversary, Baby.

This Blog Is About Sex

2008-09-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

I have a small admission of guilt. Not guilt in the guilty guilt way where I have hurt someone and feel bad. Nor is it guilty guilt where I have done something bad, a.k.a commited a crime. This admission of guilt is more of an automatic internal mind switch that clicks everytime a certain situation comes across my attention span. So this admission of guilt isn't me feeling guilty about anything, just admitting that I'm guilty of a particular thing. Make sense?

Are you ready for my admission of guilt? Are you sure? Drumroll please.........

Whenever I see a couple where the woman is pregnant, I imagine them having sex. Not in a "ooh, that makes me hot" kind of way. Just in a curious "I wonder if they are secretly kinky" kind of way. These thoughts do not affect me in any sexual way. They flit through my mind and then disappear. I don't dwell on the thought, nor do I want to. But honestly, it happens. I look at their faces, try to get a guage of their bodies, and wonder how many times it took. Or what the impregnating position was. Things like that.

I used to be baffled at my reaction- thinking that I was some sort of pervert for secretly imagining complete strangers naked. Until I realized that I'm not the only person in the world who does it. And then I kinda ran away from home (long story) and lived with 9 guys in a 2-bedroom apartment. We would wake up, smoke pot, watch porn, go to work, smoke pot on lunch, go back to work, smoke pot on the way home, and then once home- smoke pot and watch porn. Absolutely true story. And the absolute lowest point in my life. But at least it made me realize that the way that I imagined strangers naked in my mind was not related in the slightest to porn. When these "strangers having sex because they are pregnant" thoughts go through my head, it's never in detail and it's never dirty. It's loving. So that made me feel better.

And then I got older and my Kansas mom started talking to me openly about her sex life with my step-dad. Not dirty details, but generals. And then there came a point where even my dad talked to me a little bit about his sex life with my step-mom. The automatic reaction people have when thinking about their parents and sex is "gross!". Personally, I think it's sweet. My parents are only human. They are people themselves and though I refuse to dwell on it in detail, I think that my parents having sex is perfectly healthy and I'm glad that they do. And I honestly feel flattered that they feel comfortable enough with me to talk to me about such personal things- and that they know I'll give them my thoughts on the subject at hand without feeling akward about it.

I'm no virgin, that's for sure. But the older I get, the more important sex is becoming to me. By that I mean that I'm done with the selfish, unemotional sex. Been there, done that. Now I'm only interested in intimate sex with someone I care about. The way it's actually supposed to be. I know and understand the difference between someone loving my body and someone actually loving ME.

So I guess with all this sex talk, what it really boils down to is the following:

1- I'm actually a mature and stable adult now about my own sex life

2- Apparently I'm the one to go to if feeling the need to talk about your sex life

3- If you are pregnant, I will imagine you naked and having sex

Much Love!

My One And Only Blog On Politics

2008-09-16T13:36:00.000-07:00

Since it's all over the place and people are blogging and blogging and blogging about it, I have decided to throw down my views on politics and the recent happenings. Now I must warn you that I'm not policitally inclined. Meaning I don't pay a whole lot of attention and don't get as informed as I should probably be, if you will. Politics have never been an interesting subject for me. Granted, I DO care about the future of our country. And I do have certain issues that are more important to me as a person than other issues. I'm not going to list out my views and beliefs here. This isn't the place for me. I don't think I need to list out my thoughts on abortion or the fair tax or stem cell research or the war in Iraq. If anyone ever wants to talk politics with me, I'm more than happy to share with you. I'm just not opening myself up like that to the general public. So this is what I will say:

Sarah Palin. McCain's answer to Hillary. McCain's way to swing the Democratic voters who supported Hillary just for the fact that she's a woman. We all know that there are actually people out there who vote for who looks good, what sex someone is, etc. Not about the actual issues that they stand for. Sadly enough, it's true. Palin is McCain's way to get those people who supported Hillary purely as a woman, on his side. Palin COULD be a good VP, but with her limited experience and inability to even know the basics of top government, it would basically be training her for the first 2 years so that she could even act as VP for the next 2 years. I understand the fact that she supports drilling in Alaska. That she is passionate about finding energy solutions within our own country. But what else is she passionate about? Seems to me that the energy issue has been the only thing she is platforming. Tossed in with a few mentions of reform. There are SO many other issues in the USA that I'd really like to know where she stands on before I can truly decide if I think she would be inline with my own views. I know this is all still fairly new, but in my opinion, she needs to get out there more with her other positions on politics.

And though I have never been a Mitt supporter, I think McCain is going to lose a lot of support for not choosing Mitt as his running mate. Mitt had a huge following and was well-known in the political arena. Silly McCain....

Obama and McCain. So different, yet both have things that they feel strongly on that I completely oppose. I'm neither Republican nor a Democrat. I don't fall on one side or another. I am in the middle of that fence. Basically, it boils down to picking the lesser evil for me.

I just took a survey (found here) that you answer the questions and rate their importance to you. And then it tells you who your presidential candidates are in order of closest to your views to further away. (They only give you 6 matches.) Ready for my results? It actually really surprised me:

My number one Presidential Candidate is Chuck Baldwin (Constitution)- 68% match
My number two is Bob Barr (Libertarian)- 64% match
My number three is John McCain (Republican)- 48% match
Tied for number three is Cynthia McKinney (Green Party)- 48% match
My number three is Barack Obama (Democrat)- 44% match
Tied for number four is Ralph Nader (Independant)- 44% match

Wow. Though I won't go into details, I don't like the idea of too much government control. I am opposed to the government having a hand in so many aspects of our lives. Which basically ends up making me more on target with the Constitutionalists and Libertarians of the political world. Before Ron Paul dropped out of the running, he was my number 1 candidate by a large percentage. (I took the same survey a while ago before so many people dropped out of the running.)

I'd be curious to see what YOUR results come out as. Take the survey and post your results if you feel so inclined.

There. That's my political blog. The end.

Much Love!

Celebrity Sighting

2008-09-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

I had my very own celebrity sighting last night. Dave and Billy and I went to the state fair yesterday. Wandered around, looked at the animals, did the typical fair stuff. But the main reason we went yesterday was for the demolition derby. I am in love with the demolition derby. There's something about crashing cars, cars on fire, cars smoking, and cars revving their engines that just gets me. I adore it. So we find some seats in the general admission area to enjoy the show. I look behind me and see celebrities! Seriously! Now keep in mind that celebrities to me aren't the Tom Cruises or Gwyneth Paltrows of the world. My celebrities are my personal heroes. People that I respect, people that I look up to, people that I admire. Are you curious to know which celebrities I encountered? The Bird family!

Yes, that doesn't mean anything to you. So let me explain. One of the links to my favorite bloggers is Rhett. Rhett Bird. Written by his mom Pam. I don't remember how I found the blog, but I have been a faithful reader for many many months now. I have gone through things with this family, I have experienced what they have experienced, I have shared in their good times and their pain. Just by reading the words that Pam so kindly shares. I have never met them or known them in any other way. But I really have grown to love these people.

So yes, my heroes the Bird family were at the demolition derby last night. Obviously, I just HAD to say hi and introduce myself. I went to them and said "I know you". To the slightly confused expression on Pam's face (trying to figure out if she should know me), I said "I read your blog". They smiled and she said "You are Jessica!". Wow. My celebrity knew who I was! I may have frightened their kids a little as I said Hi to them by name. And knew details of their lives- like Chloee's Disney Princess night and Hunter's mohawk. But once they knew that I only knew of them from the blog, I think they stopped thinking I'm just some random psycho.

It was just a really surreal thing. Meeting people that you know so much about but have never met. Actually talking to them in real life. Just as it would be surreal to meet some of you faithful readers of mine.

I remain ecstatic that I had my first ever celebrity sighting.

Much Love!

Rational and Irrational Fears Of Mine

2008-09-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

Water and/or drowning. Drowning I'm terrified of, as a lot of people are. But did you all know that even in a backyard swimming pool there are fish that bite your toes, electric eels, and sharks? It's true, just ask me.

Enclosed spaces. I'm fine with elevators and the like. But snow caves made as kids? Hell no. Anything like that. Or when I wake up and my blankets are wrapped around me trapping me. That freaks me out. I was also going to say being stuck in a box. But I'm not exactly sure why I would be in a box in the first place......

Snakes. I have a terrible terrible fear of snakes. If I see one, I freeze and can't do anything. The last time I saw a snake in the mountains, my friends had to actually carry me away. And then I started to cry. My sister likes snakes. She's crazy. The other day I had to remind her of a little story where a snake does a very bad thing to a lady named Eve. See? Snakes are bad.

Bombs. Even pre- 9/11 I was afraid of bombs, when it wasn't even something that anyone really thought about. I've had nightmares of being blown up. Let me tell you, being blown up by a bomb is NOT a good time had by all. I avoid bombs when at all possible.

Large crowds of people. It may or may not have to do with the fact that I'm 5' tall so everyone is looming over me. Or the fact that you can't move without either elbowing someone or getting elbowed yourself. Years ago I went to a bar in Ogden with a guy I used to date named Dan. It was super duper crowded to the point where as stated above, you couldn't even move without being in physical contact with someone. Apparently, my face turned completely white, I started shaking, my stomach was rolling, and my eyes started filling up with tears. Dan noticed and rushed me out of there. I cried. Maybe it's also somewhat to do with the "enclosed spaces" fear?

Dead birds. I'm not exactly sure why dead birds scare me, but they do. Other dead animals make me feel sad, but dead birds make me feel fear. I have no explanation for this one.

Impalement. Gates and fences with pointed tops, church steeples, spires on the buildings at Lagoon when riding the sky thing, etc. Anything sharp that could impale scares me. Not as much knives as that's more stabbing than impalement. Stabbing isn't as bad. But that darn impalement thing.....

Lamb's Canyon. I've never been up that canyon, but the many scary stories I've heard makes me feel terrified of that canyon. Most times I can sort through a story vs. real life. Or even if it's real, it didn't happen to me so it's not scary. But Lamb's Canyon stories are real to me for some reason and that place freaks me out.

The KKK. The old-school KKK with burning crosses and all that. I'm not sure why I'm scared of the KKK since I'm not black. Maybe it's just their freaky outfits.

Public speaking. Ever seen a stuttering tomato? That's what I turn into..... a bright red stu-stu-stu-stutterer.

Much Love!

Free Advertising

2008-09-08T16:11:00.000-07:00

I am advertising my sister Emily's blog. She just started it and she is wonderful. You'll like her more than me. Haha! That's all.

Much Love!

I Am Going To Sue Frito-Lay

2008-09-08T16:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm not really going to sue them. But in my humble opinion, I think they should put a warning label on their bags that says "If you eat an entire large 12-oz bag of these potato chips by yourself over the course of 2 days, you will suffer temporary loss of your taste buds".

Seriously.

Much Love!

My Subconscious, My Family, and United Way

2008-09-05T09:43:00.001-07:00

Part 1- My Subconscious

I realized something about myself the other. I nod to myself, shake my head to myself, and cock my head to one side (like a dog does) when I have an interesting thought. I realized this as I was driving to my parent's house on Wednesday. First I noticed myself nodding when I appropriately passed a slow-moving vehicle. Like I was giving myself a thumbs-up or something. It amused me that I physically nod to myself without even realizing it until now. Then yesterday I went to the park by myself and just sat there in the grass for an hour and half just thinking. Not reading, not writing, just thinking. I had an interesting thought and noticed myself cocking my head to the side. As if it makes it easier to think about or something. And then I laughed. And shook my head...... I wonder how many things we each subconsciously do that we notice at some point, or never even notice at all.

Part 2- My Family

So I've stayed at my parent's house the past two nights. And I must say that's it's an absolute blast! My dad and mom have totally mellowed out since I lived there. And my little sisters are hilarious. My sisters made me a bed in their room (which is the entire basement). They basically took every single blanket and pillow and threw it on a folded-down futon. It's so comfortable and soft. And warm, since there's about 20 blankets should I choose to use them. Anyways, I got there Wednesday night and we went to bed. Emily and Rachel and I just talked and joked around and laughed hysterically. My odd sense of humor was passed off to them as they were growing up, so we find things funny that most other people wouldn't. So we just laughed and laughed and laughed- and then we all fell asleep at the same time. Then last night when I was there, Emily pulled up a song on the computer that she wanted me to listen to. My mom had purchased a puppet from Mexico for my nephew. We sat there and made the puppet dance and jump and stomp his foot to the music and again, we'd laugh hysterically. As Cameron posted- we are easily entertained. For example- one time at a family dinner at my Grandma's house, we all held hands and swayed singing "Kumbaya" around the dinner table. For no reason whatsoever. So I've had a very entertaining past two nights with the fam. It's honestly been a blast.

Part 3- United Way

Yesterday was the United Way Day of Caring. I volunteer every year because I love it. We meet at the Gateway at 7 AM for free breakfast, coffee, juice, etc. They have a live band and a lot of the radio stations are there. Yesterday they announced that there were 2,600 people involved. That's awesome! So we had breakfast and then went on our way to our place (gotta keep this certain place confidential) for our volunteer assignment. We were in charge of cleaning the kitchen. We went through a couple bottles of de-greaser and about 15 rags. It was a mess! I basically stood on a ladder and scrubbed the ceiling all day long. But we had a great time and really feel like we helped out a lot. By the time we were done with the kitchen, you could actually start to see the color of the ceiling and the stainless steel of the grill. Imagine that! Their ceilings weren't originally orange/brown after all! Here's two pictures for you. The first one is my back (since I kept trying to avoid the camera) wearing my totally awesome United Way shirt. The second one is me in mid-sentence (not very flattering).

So now I'm off to eat free lunch of food from Chicken Express. (Another free lunch day at work.)
Much Love!

Pushover Smushover

2008-09-03T15:00:00.001-07:00

I don't like confrontation. Usually I take the easier route of letting someone walk all over me instead of having to have a conversation with them about how they are walking all over me. But I do have my limits. The whole situation with my landlady has just gotten ridiculous. And knowing that I am going to be out of there at the end of the month gives me the extra push I need to say to my landlady what needs to be said without fear of repercussion. So here's the email that I sent to her today. I am proud of myself for it.

"Hello, Joan.

I have been back to the apartment and am quite confused with something. You told me that the apartment was done and ready to move back into. But as I was there, there were a few things that I noticed have not been completed.

First, the doors are not hung. You did leave a note stating that the workers are coming today to hang the doors. Hopefully that will be taken care of.

Secondly, the baseboards are not completed. They are placed on the floor but not actually secured to the walls. This is not "complete".

Third, the electric heaters are either not hooked up, or are laying on the ground instead of hanging on the wall as they are supposed to be. I went to move my kitchen table from the front room, only to find that it is literally holding up the electric heater from falling over. I don't want to live with my kitchen table in the middle of the front room.

Lastly, the electric heater in the spare room is still constantly on. I received a note from you about two months ago stating that someone was coming to take a look at it, but nothing was ever done. I have basically been paying electricity for the heater ever since I've lived there. As this can get costly, this would need to be fixed since it's something I actually end up having to pay for.

And I do need to address one final concern. You called me last week to explain to me that your son Eric was in my apartment, saw something that he didn't like and threw it away. I can understand your need to be in there while the workers were there. I can understand that you may need to supervise and make sure that things are being done properly. What I have concern with is that your son was there with absolutely no legal reason. My belongings are there. My personal property. No matter how big or small, it is mine. That is a complete violation of my privacy, and I'm having a really hard time with the knowledge that my property is being abused.

Please let me know when the apartment is completely done. Not just the flooring and walls (which are done), but all the other things that need to be completed.

Thank you."

So what do you think? Not bad, huh? I said what I needed to say and hopefully nothing negative comes from it. Though I'm not sure what she can do since evicting me wouldn't exactly hurt. :)

Much Love!

I Have A Pet Peeve

2008-09-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, really I have quite a few pet peeves. But in blogging and emailing and things of the sort, I come across a particular pet peeve of mine with increasing regularity. I'm not going to tell you what it is. I will write a normal blog and here's the game- can you pick up on my pet peeve without me pointing out what it is? Or better yet- can you count how many times I use this exact pet peeve of mine? This is a blog within a blog. Here we go..... (I'm going to try to make it pretty obvious.)

So my landlady said that my apartment is done. I went back their yesterday and went threw the place. It's not really actually done. The doors are off, there is white drywall chalk caked all over my stuff, all my lights are burned out, the baseboards aren't attached, the electric heat in the walls aren't attached, etc. It makes me fill like screaming! Good thing this is my last month dilling with this. I honestly don't think that any landperson should be aloud to treat there tenant with the complete lack of respect that I fill that I have received. Seriously. Like I'm a big fan of having strangers wandering in and out of my apartment without me being their.... I'm just so glad too be out of their soon. I actually broke down last night and bald like a baby. Witch as I've blogged about before, I hate doing. I just need to pack up and be done with it. Hopefully I can hurry it up while the whether is steal nice. Moving in the reign is not my idea of fun. I'm getting sum help cleaning so at least it will be livable at the end of the weak. I'm just filling really bothered these daze. Steal unsure of where I'm going or what to due. Won day at a time, Jessica. Won day at a time.....

End of game.

Much Love!

TGIF

2008-08-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

I am so happy that it's Friday. And not only is it Friday, but it's a LONG weekend! Not that I have any plans whatsoever, which actually makes me feel a little lonely. But still, it's Friday.

My landlady called and my apartment is done. I'm "moving back" this weekend. Only to live there for a month while packing up all my stuff just to move out officially. With nowhere to go after that. Yes, ladies and gentlemen- it appears that I will be the 29-year-old single white female who has to stay with her parents for a month or two. The shame! But heck, we do what we have to do. Why don't I just go find a new apartment, you ask? Well, remember me talking about how I've got some big decisions to make? There is a possibility of me moving to Kansas to live with my mom there. That's not a choice that can be made lightly, and I need some time to think about it. So I'll be staying with my dad until I decide direction I want my life to go. I don't want to sign a lease on an apartment only to realize that moving to Kansas is something that I really want. But I may not even decide to move there. So there you have it.

I went to a sex toy party and they handed out these little rubber pencil tops in the shape of a penis. I thought they were funny, and ended up putting mine on a light switch at my house. It's been there so long that I have completely forgotten about it. When my landlady called to tell me the apartment was done, she said
"Oh, and you know that green plastic thing on your light switch?"
It took me a minute to even realize what she was talking about.
"Oh, yah", I said.
She said "Well, I had left it there the whole time all the workers were there. I think they'd look at me with a twinkle in their eye since it's my house. Well, Eric (her slightly autistic son that I hate) saw it and once he realized what it was, grabbed it and threw it in the garbage. He said that you shouldn't have it. I'd replace it, but I don't know where to find one."
I replied "I completely forgot about it and it's not a big deal."
So we are fine with that, except when I give her my notice, that's going to be something I use. That no matter what it is, my privacy and property has been violated. That there was no reason for Eric to be in my apartment in the first place. That I don't feel like I can trust that my personal space is my personal space anymore. Sound good, people?

Yesterday was Michael's Birthday. He left to go camping after I went to work yesterday so I knew I wouldn't see him. I'm taking him out to lunch or dinner on Monday to celebrate and give him his gifts. But I DID try to be cute..... I bought him a piece of Oreo cake, a box of candles, matches, a card, and his favorite jalepeno stuffed olives (YUCK). Wrapped it all with a bow and left it on the counter for him. I wanted him to feel special since he told me that none of his friends and only a few family members ever remember his birthday. (Great friends.....) Hopefully it made him feel a little bit loved on the day he was born. I like being cute sometimes. It's the romantic in me, what can I say?

I will leave you with a video clip from the UK show "Balls of Steel". Pranks and the like. Makes me giggle.

Much Love!

Voyerism

2008-08-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

I must admit that I have voyeristic tendencies. Not necessarily in the sexual way, either. (Though if I'm being honest, my neighbors decided to have a "rendezvous" in their backyard as I was in mine- and I didn't exactly run inside. But that's a story for another day.....). But my point is that I'm a peeping tom and an eavesdropper. While walking or driving down the street, I look in the windows. When people are talking around me, I listen in on their conversations. I have spent some time analyzing this fact and trying to figure out where it comes from. And after discussing it with various people, I'm not the only one that does this. I think that we are all a little bit interested in strangers. Most of us don't let our curiousity take over, and we can hide it from others. Or at least make it less obvious....

When I listen to a conversation or look in a window, it's fascinating to me in the way that I wonder what it would be like to be the person, or know the person. What it would be like if I lived in that bedroom, ate in that kitchen, talked with those neighbors. I was just downstairs and found myself listening to a guy talk on his cell phone. Apparently, though he has almost perfect credit, he is having to declare bankruptcy. I know personal information about this stranger and by just knowing it makes me feel like I have some extra power. Not power that would actually be useful, like invisibility or the ability to fly. But power just the same.

I think that's why I love blogs so much. I love reading the thoughts in other people's heads and hearing about people's dreams and disappointments. Their families and friends. It makes me feel connected to strangers in the same voyeristic way as described above. I only "in real life" am actually really friends with four people on my blog list. The others are there for different reasons. Cameron makes me laugh. Rhett is a little boy with Down Syndrome. That One Guy is a friend of a friend of a friend whose words I enjoy. Even Jenn. I have absolutely no idea who this girl is, but I love reading her blogs. It's like I'm getting to know people without actually having to get to know them.

So then I wonder- am I interesting? I think I'm a little bit interesting in my calmly neurotic way. I'm a little bit different, a little bit anti-social. I find myself intentionally NOT writing about some things as I'm the only one that it would be entertaining for. But there's the thing- am I really writing this blog for other people to read? Or am I writing this blog for myself? I think it's a combination of the two. I write about some things that I just simply want to write about, yet try to make it a slight bit more entertaining than I normally would if I didn't know someone would probably end up reading it. What do people think about when they read the thoughts coming out of my head? How do I come across? Too neutoric? Not neurotic enough? Funny? Boring? And then this- does it really matter????

Back to blogs- there's an article on KSL (see here) about a girl that wrote a blog and is now a little bit famous locally due to pizza issues. She's getting her 15 minutes of fame, plus some. And good for her! It's humorous to me, though. Here's a girl that is just another person like me. Another person who tends to blend into the world in obscure anonymity. And then BOOM! She's a must-read blogger. And I wonder. Would I like that? Would that bother me? Would it affect any future writing if I had more of an audience? Would I even care?

Sorry, guys. Today is a day of self-introspection. I apologize for dragging you all into my psychological evaluation of myself.

Anyways, so that's why I read so many blogs. I'll click on a friend's link and then one of THEIR friends links and so on and so forth until I come across something that captures my attention. A blog that has even one little thing in it that I can relate to. Mostly I won't put them as a link, since that still feels a little too stranger-stalkerish. (Yes, I made that up.) Almost like I'm asking people for more public recognition of a blog written by someone that I have never talked to or met in my life. It seems a little much. Yet, they are blogging on the internet.....

So here's what it boils down to:
I am a voyer. I read your thoughts and take them in with interest. If you are talking on the phone around me, I will listen to your conversation and take it in with interest. If you leave your curtains open and the lights on, I will casually glance around (from the distance of the street, of course) and take it in with interest. I am a voyer. But as I write my own thoughts and feelings and beliefs- am I not a bit of an exhibitionist, as well?

Much Love!

25 Things I Do Not Understand

2008-08-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

Just as the title says, this blog is a list of some things that I do not understand......

1. A person that needs to always be around people and never alone.

2. Magic tricks.

3. Anything computer related other than the simple task of sending an email or writing a blog or surfing the internet.

4. People who complain about being fat but do not exercise or eat better.

5. Men who do not shave their heads when going bald.

6. How vehicles run. I.E.: Radiators, carburetors, pistons, spark plugs, manifolds (?), etc.

7. How getting cosmetic surgery could ever make anyone truly feel better about themselves as a person. (Though I must exclude those due to illnesses or injuries.)

8. The saying "You can't love anyone else until you love yourself".

9. Why everytime I spell the word "c-a-l-e-n-d-a-r", I ALWAYS put a "y" on the end and have
to delete or erase it.

10. Politics.

11. Ebonics.

12. How ping-pong, badminton, sailing and shooting are actual olympic sporting events.

13. Men.

14. Anyone who jumps from one relationship straight into another.

15. People that actually really believe that they are vampires.

16. Fung shui.

17. My landlady.

18. Huge million-dollar homes with teeny tiny yards.

19. After 7 years, 9 months and 6 days- I still like my job.

20. Why they are constantly changing soda can designs.

21. How even though my Smith's Fresh Value card has the bar code scratched, ripped, and generally peeling off- it still runs through the scanner at the self-checkout.

22. Unflushed toilets.

23. The obvious smell of old people.

24. Grudges.

25. That all fruit flavors of candy have absolutely no similarity to the actual taste of the fruit.

That's all I have for now.

Much Love!

Freedom! Short But Sweet.

2008-08-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

As of 2:00 this afternoon, I am officially released from supervised probation from my DUI. Meaning that I don't have to call in to a phone number every single day to see if my number is called to go in for random drug and alcohol testing. I don't have to go to any more meetings with my probation officer. And everything is paid in full.
Now I am still on what's considered court probation. Meaning that if I fail my interlock device (which I still have until November) then I go back to court, or if I get any new charges then I go back to court. This is through November. When (not if) November comes along and I haven't failed my interlock (since I won't) and I haven't had any new charges (which I won't) then I'll be free and clear of everything. But from now until then, I don't have to call in everyday. It seems like such a small thing, but when you have to pick up your phone and dial a phone number every single day, it gets old. And then if your number is called, having to find the time to go in there and test during lunch at work or whenever, it gets hard. But I'm done with it!
Honestly, it has nothing to do with the fact of drinking vs not drinking. It's about control. I am now not under anyone else's control. I do not have to report to anyone but myself. And that's a very good feeling.

Much Love!

In Bed

2008-08-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

You know the little game of adding the words "in bed" to the end of your fortune cookie prediction? Well here is one I got the other day in my fortune cookie from Pan Wok Express:

......in bed.

Wahoo! My dreams of becoming a successful prostitute may actually become a reality! Michael and I were watching "America's Got Talent" a bit ago. I am actually not a big fan of the show, except when people are horrible and get verbally slaughtered on national TV. That part is fun. Anyways, we were watching and a woman got through to Vegas. Are you curious what her "talent" is? Pole dancing, baby. So if she can survive a reality TV show through pole dancing, who knows how far I can go with my prostitution!......

And then Katie and I went to Pei Wei for dinner last night and my fortune was related- said something about me being generous (in bed). Maybe I will be so successful as a prostitute because of my generous nature in bed. Hey- the fortune said so! And fortune cookes never lie! Those Chinese restaurants really know what they are talking about.

Much Love!

Un-Original

2008-08-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

Since I'm so completely un-original, I'm going to copy Cameron and post a survey thing sent by our friend Katie. I apologize ahead of time and the disclaimer is that I'm pretty boring and so will be this entire post......

Lets test your memory

1. what color shirt were you wearing when your last kiss?
*Last kiss on the cheek- Red and Pink striped shirt. This morning when I kissed Michael goodbye.
*Last REAL kiss- um... I don't pay enough attention to clothing to remember what I ever wear.

2. Do you remember your kindergarten teachers name?
*Nope. But my daddy used to come and assist the teacher, which I thought was cool. Nobody else's dad did that!

3. Do you remember your first kiss?
*Yep. It was akward. With Shane. Had a lot of firsts with Shane but I'll keep the details to myself.

4. Would you rather go to a party or go out of town?
*Depends on my mood, the weather, where the party is, who I would be going out of town with, etc.

5. What was the last thing you ate?
*A bologna and cheese sandwich last night. (I was craving bologna for some reason, even though it's pretty nasty.) Though Cindy is on lunch right now and bringing me back something tasty.

6. If you could get back in touch with anyone who would it be?
*I'm actually in touch with the people I want to be in touch with. Except for Matt. I'd like to be in touch with Matt.

7. When was the last time you talked to the last person you kissed?
*Well, this morning when I left I heard a muffled "Have a good day" while Michael's sleeping head was smashed into the pillow. But we did talk a little bit when he got home from work at 5 or so this morning. I woke up when he climbed in bed and started talking about Bozeman, MT......

8. Whats on your bedroom floor?
*On MY bedroom floor in my uninhabitable apartment is a ton of stuff, since everything from my front room and kitchen are crammed in my bedroom and back room.

9. What did you wake up to this morning?
*My cell phone alarm. It's the most annoying noise, so you NEED to get up just to shut the damn thing off.

10. What are you doing today?
*Working, then I have a hot date with Michael. I think we are going to see "Pineapple Express".

11. Describe your current shirt:
*Red and pink striped zip-up light hoodie thing (it's freezing inside my office building) over a pink V-neck shirt. Girly colors today, apparently.

12. Which movie did you last see in theaters?
*Um...... I don't remember. I think "Get Smart".

13. Who was it with?
*Michael

14. Who were the last people you ate with?
*Let's see. I ate dinner with my family last Sunday.

15. When was the last time you felt guilty about something?
*When I didn't donate a dollar to juveniles with diabetes

16. What color is your luggage?
*Green

17. When were you last on a boat?
*I stood on Michael's boat for a while a couple months ago. It was sitting in his driveway. See here.

18. When you have kids would you want a boy or a girl first?
*Hey, take it easy! Kids or no kids, that is the question.

19. Where are you right now?
*Sitting in my half-cubicle with a blanket on since it's freezing in here.

20. Do you drink your soda from a straw?
*Yes. It's actually better for your teeth. When you drink out of a cup, the sugar in the soda hits your teeth but when using a straw, it moves the drink further back in your mouth. Seriously. Just ask a dentist.

21. What was the last thing someone bought you?
*Michael bought me flowers for my birthday. And I think Billy bought me pizza or something. I like to pay for things on my own, so someone buying me something doesn't happen all that often.

22. Where will you be two months from now?
*In Utah. Hahaha!

23. Who did you last hang out with?
*Michael before he went to work on Wednesday. I like to spend a lot of time alone. I laugh at all my own jokes.

24. What did you do last weekend?
*Went camping!

25. Are you still besties with the same people you were besties with a year
ago?
*Not really with one of them. Long story.

26. What was the last hotel you stayed in?
*Considering I don't ever go anywhere, I'd have to say last September when I went to Vegas for a friend's wedding.

27. When did you last go to the beach?
*I was sort-of at a beach last weekend. Chad and I went hiking up to this lake and I laid on a rock by the water in my swimming suit. Does that count?

28. will you kiss the last person you kissed again?
*Most definately. I kinda like the guy. :)

29. Are you crushing on someone?
*Nope

30. If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
*I actually discussed that here

31. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
*Second chances, yes. More than that, no.

32. Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?
*I can't think of anyone, actually

33. Is anything bothering you right now?
*I'm at work. That's annoying.

Much Love!

Let's Make A Deal

2008-08-06T15:03:00.000-07:00

Which door do you choose? Do you want what's behind Door number 1? Door number 2? Door number 3? Or do you want what's in this box I'm holding?

I feel like I'm on an episode of that lovely gameshow. With the housing situation and with a bunch of other things thrown into the mix, I'm absolutely confused. All of my options will have mysterious results. And I won't know what they are until I actually make my choice. And if I pick Door number 1, it could just end up being the figurative giant rocking horse. (Though the giant rocking horse is actually pretty cool.) I've never been a big fan of gambling. I can never seem to call anyone's bluff. I can never get away with bluffing, myself. As simple-minded as this may make me sound, I prefer to have less choices so that I can prevent throwing endless blame on myself for picking the wrong one.

But what to do when faced with some pretty drastic probable solutions? Has anyone actually ever truly benefited from a Pros VS Cons list? I tried it once. But I did it wrong. One list was "Staying in Kansas". The other list was "Moving back to Utah". My Pros always ended up as Cons on the Con list, which defeats the purpose. If a Pro was "family", a Con was "no family". My brain doesn't function under an all-inclusive list. Though I suppose a Pros VS Cons list should only be ONE list, like "Staying in Kansas" and avoiding the counter-productive "Moving back to Utah" list as it is just the exact opposite of the other.

Has anyone actually benefited from flipping a coin? The game of Heads or Tails? Is it, in all actuality, even the slightest bit beneficial to make a decision based on air flow and flipping speed? Sure, if it's the small things. But life-changes are not something I feel comfortable flipping a coin over. Especially when it would need to be a 3 or 4-headed coin as I have 3 or 4 valid options.

Has anyone actually benefited from Eeny Meeny Miny Moe? That takes us back to the whole idea of basing a big decision over a child's game. Not good enough for me, personally.

So what to do? I can see some very good things and very bad things about each and every situation. Yes, I'm keeping these "options" close to the belt. (Is that the saying? It sounds a little off......) I'm not fully ready to list them all out quite yet. But when I can, you'll understand my dilemma.

I have been in need of a big change for a year or more. I have called Billy every now and then, crying about how I'm "stuck" and "need something to change". And here's my opportunity. As Troy said in a comment on another of my blogs, "Be careful what you wish for". And how right he is. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. There's a large part of me that is rejoicing the way that things have played out. A large part that is excited for possibilities and chances and adventures. But there's still that itty bitty voice in my head saying "No! Bad things may happen! We want stability and comfort and boringness!" I silence it temporarily, but it always returns.......

Much Love!

Juveniles

2008-08-05T13:18:00.000-07:00

So I once wrote about hating pressure. And the pressure-monster hit me again today.

I drove down to the closest KFC for my Mashed Potato Bowl. The order-taker-dude was very friendly, which is unusual. Mostly they just take your order and push you through. Maybe it was because there were no cars in front of me or behind me and he was bored, or maybe he really likes his job. Either way, he was joking around and the sort. And then after he takes my Mashed Potato Bowl order, he says that he has one last question. "Okay", I say. "What's that?" He says "We are trying to raise money for juveniles with diabetes. Would you like to donate $1 to help the cause?". "Not today", I say.

And now I feel guilty about the poor little juveniles with diabetes that I was too selfish to help. If any of them die, it's all on my head for not donating my $1 to help them. Hopefully they are able to stay out of the land of candy.......

Much Love!

Please Don't Talk To Me

2008-08-05T08:52:00.001-07:00

There are a few people in this world that really, truly, and horribly annoy me. I am pretty tolerant when it comes to people and their own ways of talking, telling jokes, etc. But as I said, there are a few people that I just can't seem to control myself around. Yes, I fully admit that it's not the best quality to have. I know that I should be kind to all, or something like that. But I don't think it's possible to tolerate EVERYONE that we meet. There is always going to be someone out there somewhere that makes you want to rip your hair out, and then punch them in the kidneys when all your hair is gone. There are specifically two of these individuals in my office. I try to avoid them at all costs, to avoid the sarcastic tone of my voice and the snappy comments coming from my mouth before I can even process what I am saying. Danielle is one of these individuals. And I think that she realizes that I'm not her biggest fan, and pretty much avoids me, too. But as we work together, she inevitably needs to ask me a question every now and then. I think the biggest thing that makes me snap is that she is DUMB. I don't like dumb people. The questions that come out of her mouth are questions that someone that was just barely hired would be asking. She's been here for years. And she doesn't listen to anything anyone says. She'll just repeat whatever you say back to you over and over again. Here's an example from just this morning:

(D calls my extension)
D- I have a question about a letter you sent out.
(Gives me the account info to pull up.)
D- See where you are asking for $61 back from the dentist?
Me- Yah
D- Why are we asking for that back?
Me- Just like it says in the letter, we paid for the x-rays twice in error.
D- But there's another charge we should have paid. Shouldn't we pay that one?
Me- No. If we already paid them too much, why would we pay them even more?
D- Oh. I'll tell her. Thanks.

Moments later D walks up to my desk:
D- So I checked it and we really should be paying these other charges.
Me- No, we shouldn't. They already owe us money. We can apply it to the new charges, but we can't just pay the new charges in full.
D- Are you sure? Because we never paid the new charges.
Me- Yes, I'm absolutely sure that we shouldn't pay out more money when we have already paid out too much. If what we would pay for the new charges is more than $61, then we can subtract the $61 from the payment for the new charges. But we won't be paying all the new charges without receiving the $61 back, or applying it to them.
D- So what do I do?
Me- Well, Danielle- what do we normally do with overpayments?
D- We send them to the overpayment inbox.
Me- So do you think that maybe you should send it there?
D- Should I just send you an email?
Me- I think that maybe it should go where it's supposed to go, don't you?
D- Um, okay.

See, people? I can't keep my sarcasm in control around her. She drives me crazy!!

Much Love!

The Saga Continues

2008-08-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

So here are some email correspondence between the evil landlady and myself (and just random ones that she has sent me):

#1
Hi Jessica,
I hope you are doing ok. I moved the stuff from the yard to the covered area. I still have laryngitis so I can't talk well. The flood men came back and ripped out the carpet and kitchen floor. They cut 8 inches from base of floor. The Insurance adjuster came out this morning.
Joan

Joan,
I'm sorry to hear about your laryngitis- NOT fun.
I have been staying with my boyfriend so at least I have a place to stay.
What did the insurance adjuster say?
Any idea when the place is going to be livable?
And this situation brings up a question- What about rent? Are you going to be pro-rating my rent for the days that I can't stay there as the apartment is not livable at this time? What is the precedent for that?
Let me know about the insurance, when the apartment is livable, and the rent situation.
Thank you.
Jessica

Jessica,
The Insurance man said he needs to do some more paper work. He is going to send an investigator out to determine how this happend. He also said there were questions about the category three status. As far as rent and what to do I will need to call the Landlord Association to find out what I need to do and how this will be handled. They still need to do some special treatments to the walls, refinish and paint the walls, the carpet man will need to measure and install. The kitchen man will need to do the same. This is such an unfortunate event to have take place. I've heard from other homeowners there is a lot of paperwork, appointments and work to do to get things in order. The fans they have going downstairs makes things very, very warm and noisy. I will try to find out how many days it will be.
Joan

Okay. Let me know what you find out about rent, how long, etc. If you still can't talk, email is fine for getting in touch with me. I will need to stop by and grab a few things between now and Friday. Should just be a quick in and out.
Thanks.
Jessica

#2
Hi Jessica,
I will be happy to pro-rate the rent for you. The flood company is coming in this afternoon to do another treatment process. When it is all completed it will be like new! It will have new paint, new carpets, new kitchen floor and and the whole place will smell like new! It would be ashamed (not to mention a serious health code violation) to ruin the new carpet by allowing a dog to soil the carpet. Will you be able to find a new home for the dog? I hope everything is going ok for you as I know it is a huge inconvenience to have to deal with a flood. If you need me to help you with anything please let me know.
Joan

#3
Hi Jessica,
I noticed that you have a TON of books laying around. The battered womens shelters in Salt Lake City are in desparate need of books. Many women arrive at the shelters with only the clothes on their backs. Women tend to get very bored at the shelter so books would give them something to do and take their minds off their problems.
Joan

#4
Hi Jessica,
Please let me know what your friend's address is so I can forward your mail to you. Have a great day.
Joan

#5
August 1, 2008
Jessica,
The worker from the Flood Company came to my house this morning. He said it would be about two weeks or so before the apartment is completed. Also, one more quick thing: There will be a three-step rental increase as follows:
Effective Sept 1, 2008 rent will increase to $575 per month
Effective Oct 1, 2008 rent will increase to $635 per month
Effective Nov 1, 2008 rent will increase to $695 per month
For any further assistance please call me at xxx-xxxx.
Joan
cc: file

So there you have it. I'm out of my place for at least another two weeks, I can't have my dog anymore, and she's raising my rent. So guess what? I'm officially on an immediate roommate quest. Is anyone other than me getting the idea that she's forcing me out? And $695 a month rent? Are you kidding me? It's not even worth what I'm paying now. Granted, it's a decent sized place. But I can hear every single movement that they make upstairs. I have a super hard time sleeping normally and the stomping and screaming from above pushes me over the edge. And that's all besides the fact that she's just a crazy person who slips mean little letters in my mail, like about how my friend DARED to pick me up one time with his trailer (we were going camping) and he blocked the driveway for 5 whole minutes...... So at least now that I'm being forced out in a way, it's forcing me to actually take action. Which is good, in a wierd way. I'm not the best with change, so I'll need to keep a good attitude about the whole thing. And I may need some help. Words of encouragement, anyone? :)

I need to get working so that I can leave and pack up and go camping for the weekend! Wahoo!

Much Love!

Homeless

2008-07-29T13:31:00.000-07:00

Care to spare a dime? I am homeless. Here's the deal-

I called my landlady yesterday to see what the situation was, whether I could go home after work yesterday. She called me back and said that the water was spreading and that I needed to come home and move all my stuff. Basically, the water had spread so much that my front room was soaked, my kitchen (obviously, since that's where it started), and the hallway. I took some pictures but can't get them on here since my home computer where I need to burn the pics on a CD is now in hiding. Two boys that are friends of my landlady's kid were over there helping. Let me tell you, it's a disgusting filthy mess. Mud and smashed dogfood everywhere. We had to move everything in my front room and kitchen. All my belongings are either in my bedroom (which was fortunately saved from disaster), the back storage room, or the backyard. Yep, there's my baker's rack sitting in the back yard. We got everything moved and that is good. It's funny to me because people keep asking about how my stuff is. The reality is that my "stuff" is mostly just crap. I'm not worried about my $5 coffee table that was already broken, for example. I don't have "nice things" so that is the least of my worries. I got the stuff that I actually care about taken care of. Like some of my photo albums that were on the ground under a bookshelf. I got those dried and the pictures are okay. My kitchen table is the one thing other than the photo albums that I was most worried about. It's wood. AND I grew up with that table. But fortunately, the legs have a little bit of pegging to put it higher up, so there's not really any damage to that. They came in yesterday and sucked out all the water and pulled the carpet pads and set up humidifiers. Today they are pulling up the rest of the carpet, the lenolium in my kitchen, cutting into the drywall to see if there's any water damage to the walls, and setting up fans. Basically, my apartment is a disaster area, I've had to ask Billy to watch Sunni, and I'm kinda staying with Michael until things are taken care of. The worst part about the whole thing is just not knowing if I'll have a place to go home to. If the water damage is bad, then they'll have to re-do the basement. Which means I REALLY wouldn't have a home for a while. I packed a bunch of pants and shirts into a suitcase and will be living out of that for a while. This whole thing is crazy!

But here's my optimistic mind for you: I've been needing to go through all my stuff and get rid of junk for quite a while. Now- it's all ready for me to go through! AND, since I've been wanting to move for a while, I'll just have to pack up the stuff I want to keep and just leave out the essentials. So when moving time comes, it's just furniture and a few things here and there. Everything else will already be boxed and packed. Excellent, right?

So as akward as this whole situtation is, it's probably good for me. And I'm fortunate enough to have wonderful friends, a wonderful family, and Michael. (Not sure if he's considered a "friend" or a "boyfriend" since we are just letting things happen as they happen.) I am truly lucky to not be completely alone in this and to have a roof over my head and the things that I care about safe and not ruined. Basically, I'm having an adventure and it's going to be quite the ride.

Much Love!

Rub-A-Dub-Dub, My Kitchen's A Tub

2008-07-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

Wow. Just to start, I'll say wow.

Saturday night I had a movie night with a friend of mine. Self-explanatory- we watched movies. I didn't leave his house until about 1:30 or so in the morning and went home. I wasn't quite tired yet (I have borderline insomnia or something) so I threw in another movie at my place. I like the sound of the TV on low when I sleep, it's comforting for me. Maybe because I don't hear all the other sounds, night sounds. My landlady walking around, the cat upstairs jumping around, birds flying into their nests in the roof, etc. It takes my mind off these other random noises so that I can just tune out the TV sounds and fall asleep. I made the mistake of putting in a movie that I haven't seen for a while, so of course I had to watch the whole thing. When it was over, I put it on commentary and played it again. I was able to fall asleep during this phase.

Then I woke up in the morning. Still sleepy-eyed and blurry-eyed, I took a step into my kitchen. Splash. What? Splash splash. I had a swimming pool in my kitchen! Now, when I asked for a swimming pool in my letter to Santa last Christmas, I didn't mean to it to be in my kitchen. I guess I should've been more specific.

So I wandered around to see where this was coming from. My kitchen sink? No. The hallway? No. The ceiling? No. The walls? No. I opened my door to the outside, and a tidal wave of water came careening in to fill in the unfinished pool on my floor. I live in the basement apartment of a house. There is a little drain at the bottom of the concrete steps going down to my apartment. And apparently, this drain was gushing out water. So not only is it water, it's brown water. And the leaves that had gathered on the ground were picked up by this water. And the dog food bag on the floor by the refrigerator joined the ride- it disintigrated and the dog food took a swim. ALL the dog food.

(Not really my apartment above, but close)

My kitchen is a swimming pool. A public swimming pool for leaves, mud, dog food, etc. Disgusting! I called Billy who came to get Sunni. (Thank you, Billy!!!) My landlady wasn't answering her door, though I could hear her up there. (Note to any landlords who live above their tenant(s) in an older house without soundproofing- They KNOW when you are home.....) No way was I staying in my apartment filled with drain puke. So I threw on some shorts and a tank top, grabbed my flip-flops and purse, and waded through the juicy landfill to get out of there. Knocked on my landlady's door one last time before just writing her a note, and she actually answered. Imagine that! Anyways, so she decided to get a plunger. Like that was going to work. She handed me the plunger (stating that I know where the drain is better than she does) and asked me to try to unclog it. Now, I'm not a stupid woman. Hard to believe, I know. Heehee. First off, it's not MY responsibility to unclog this drain since I'm the tenant and she's the landlady. Secondly, I realized with the amount of water, a small little toilet plunger was NOT going to unclog this drain. So I pretended to give it an attempt and then pretended to give up. She said that she was going to make some calls. I gave her my cell phone number and left. I went to my favorite coffee shop and sipped an iced chai while reading my book. Landlady called and said that she had some guys coming with a water vaccum/pump thing. I asked her to call me when it was taken care of so that I could start cleaning up the stuff that got wet in my apartment.

Michael woke up from his nap and I went over there for coffee. We hung out for a while, had dinner, etc. Landlady called and said that they were going to be pumping all night since the drain was still gushing, and that a plumber was coming tomorrow (which is now today) to snake the drain and see what the problem is. So that left me homeless. Sweetheart Michael said that I could stay at his house, even though he was going to work and wouldn't be home until tomorrow morning. (He drives truck, so for example- he will leave Sunday night and get back on Tuesday morning.) So I watched some movies with his dog after he left, and fell asleep.

Still no word from the landlady today. I will give her a call in a bit to see what the status is since I'll have to start an immediate clean-up to avoid mold and all that fun stuff. However, I left my apartment in short shorts and a tank top. I can't exactly where that to work. We are casual, but not THAT casual. So I had to make a stop at Wally-World this morning for some cheap pants to wear. And coffee cream. Though the cream has nothing to do with the flood.

So there you have it, ladies and gentleman. If you feel like taking a dip in the pool, let me know and I'll invite you over. It may not be fixed today, meaning I may be homeless yet again tonight. Exciting! So Rub-a-dub-dub, my kitchen's a tub.

Much Love!

Chef Jessicadee

2008-07-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

So I made Michael dinner last night.

My mother is an excellent cook and loves to play with recipes and try out new things. She can whip together some crazy dish just from thoughts in her head. When I lived with her in Kansas, it was amazing how every single dinner that we had was absolutely tasty. And she truly enjoys to cook and bake. I think it somehow centers her and gives her something to focus on other than my step-dad, my younger brothers, the dog, soccer games, football games, wrestling matches, running a billion errands, the house-cleaning, her job, etc. She is a busy woman but she always makes sure that dinner is on the table and that whatever is the dinner choice is delicious. It relaxes her. And she learned to cook from her mother.

So it seems that the love of cooking sometimes stems from watching your own mother cook and sometimes assisting with that particular "chore". My mom has mentioned that she always loved to help my grandma in the kitchen with dinner. I didn't grow up with my mom. To clarify- I grew up with my other mom. My parents were divorced when I was very young and my dad and step-mom, Debbie, got custody of me, my older brother, and older sister. So I grew up here in Utah, and my biological mom moved to Kansas and got married to my step-dad, Alex. My step-mom is wonderful and I love her guts. I have always considered her my mom, along with my biological mom. (Yes, I'm lucky enough to have 2 wonderful moms!) Now Mom Debbie always did the cooking growing up, but I never really got into it. It seemed like so much of a chore instead of an enjoyable relaxation technique that happens to end up with food on the table.

When I was 19, I moved to Kansas and lived with my Mom Lurena (bio mom) for a year. I was always running around being a typical 19-year-old girl but would come home to dinner. Sometimes I'd hang out in the kitchen and watch her. So my enjoyment of cooking began.....

I LOVE watching cooking shows on the weekends. I don't have cable (the idea of monthly payments to sit on my butt and be entertained just doesn't appeal to me), so I'll watch PBS or one of those types- that has cooking shows on the weekends. Sometimes I'll decide to invent something. Some of my cooking inventions end up in disaster, some of them are actually not bad. I taught myself how to make homemade spaghetti sauce, for example. And I threw together a Mesquite Chicken deal that is really good and Michael loves it. Just off the top of my head.

We have a secret family recipe for lasagna (if I told you, I'd have to kill you). I enjoy making that. It takes a while to make it and I'll throw in some crab-stuffed mushrooms as an extra treat. I make an awesome chili. My white cream chicken enchilladas are pretty darn good, as well. I really do enjoy being in the kitchen and cutting things and throwing things in pots and pans. It feels good. And I love it when people enjoy whatever it is that I've spent time making.

So I made Michael dinner last night. Shrimp in garlic sauce over noodles, garlic bread, and steamed vegetables. And I'm a little disappointed with myself. Michael works at nights- he leaves around 10 PM. So granted, I didn't have much time to make anything since I worked late last night. It took all of 15 minutes. Here's how to make it: boil noodles, throw the shrimp and garlic sauce frozen entree into the microwave. When that's done, throw the bag of vegetables (packaged in a special steamer bag) into the microwave. Throw the frozen garlic bread into the oven. And there's dinner. Granted, it was good. But not as good as something homemade. But hey- give a girl credit for at least making some dinner, okay?

I blog about food a lot. Think that says something about me? :)

Much Love!

Thursday Madness

2008-07-18T08:52:00.000-07:00

The Gallivan Center downtown has some really cool stuff going on during the summer. Last year, we'd go to the the Twilight Concert Series once a week (find info about it HERE) and enjoy the sun, the music, the beer, etc. Some friends from work would leave work early every Thursday to throw down some blankets and "reserve" seating on the ground. We saw some great bands last year and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

There is also the Rock' N' Ribs festival (which is being held on August 23rd this year). I have some great video of that last year with some of my buddies, and Gene. There is this old guy, named Gene, that goes to EVERY downtown festival, concert, whatever. Last year he always wore this bright purple shirt. He's got this crazy white hair and only a couple of teeth. But that man can dance! He has absolutely no inhibitions. He doesn't get embarrased and he just loves to be the center of attention. I aspire to be him someday. As a woman. With more teeth. We have honored him with a couple of beers over the years to quench his thirst, and have given him the official name of: Gene Gene the Dancing Machine. He's awesome.

So I went to the concert last night for a bit with my gorgeous sisters Rachel and Emily and Emily's best friend (also named Emily). There was a guy playing that I've never heard of but that sister Emily loves. He's actually really really good! Josh Ritter, if any of you know of him. Apparently, this little guy from Idaho is HUGE in Ireland. I attributed it to his curly hair. My buddy Dave showed up with his amazing moustache. Anyways, so there we are just tapping our feet and clapping and screaming appropriately when Dave taps me on the shoulder. Sure enough- Gene Gene the Dancing Machine is there rocking it out and dancing with strangers. Seriously, he is my hero.

We were standing somewhat close to the stage. Just right of the stage, by the stairs, for anyone familiar with the Gallivan center. I'm really feeling the music and loving the sun and since people-watching is a hobby of mine, I'm watching people watch people. Apparently, there are a lot of us "people-watchers" out there. Right in front of us were some people who sat down. Maybe they were overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of live music? Perhaps they just wanted to concentrate on the words of the songs without being distracted by fans? Nope. This is what I saw:

I thought it was very interesting. Texting people on cells phones is SO much more exciting than listening to live music, right? Apparently so. And then I laughed quietly to myself in the irony that I took out my cell phone to take a picture of other people playing on THEIR cell phones during the concert. Hi, I'm the pot. And these people are black. (I sure hope you all get that joke as it has nothing to do with race........)

There was this crazy lady there. Just standing by the stage drawing on a sketch pad and dancing to the music. Which is fine. A bit eccentric and artistic thrown together. But it turns out that she was sketching the band and when she was done, pretty much tried to rush the stage to give her sketches to them. She ran up there holding her sketch pad over her head and kept screaming "Josh!!!" over and over again. It was quite humorous, to be honest. You go, girl.

And for tonight, you ask? I will be found at Rotary Glen park (just East of the zoo) for a free movie in the park under the stars. Ah, summer.

Much Love!

Celebrate Good Times

2008-07-15T12:40:00.000-07:00

We had our work party today. We had this whole thing planned for June 28th at a park in Riverton with bounce houses and a balloon animal dude for the kids, a catered BBQ and lots of water games. But nobody was going. Basically, out of the 60-something employees in my office, there were only about 13 or so going. And 6 of them were on the planning committee. So they cancelled it and we just did it today at work. We got to be off the phones from 11:30 to 1, which is nice. And since I'm on the planning committee I helped set up starting at 10:30. So I have almost three hours of my workday done already just by the event. Anyways, we had catered lunch and played Bingo, which was actually really fun since I work with funny and awesome people. And then we had the drawing for prizes. We had some awesome prizes this year and everybody got something. Prizes ranged from a $100 gift card down to a company T-shirt. There was a portable DVD player, some gravity chairs, some I-Pod shuffles, etc. So yah, we had some nice prizes. What did I win, you ask? One of these

for $50. Pretty sweet, huh? I'm always okay with free money. So yah, it was nice. And we are all stuffed and hot and a little richer than we were before today. Which is always a good ending to a work party. And the best thing was that people seemed to actually like it! It's almost impossible to do something that an office of 60-something women and 2 men (that were there, at least) enjoy. Not bad, huh?

And..... Someone that I love and care about told me a secret yesterday. What is it about secrets that just make the person being told the secret feel so special? I mean, just knowing that the person I'm referring to trusts me and cares enough about me to tell me a secret about a certain something just to help me out with something I'm going through is amazing to me. I'm trusted by somebody. Somebody sacrificed their own comfort level by telling me their secret just to comfort ME. And that makes me love this person even more. Sorry to be so cryptic about it, but it IS as secret, after all. I hope the above made any sort of sense.

Nothing too exciting today, but I must get to work so that's all you are getting.

Much Love!

Absolutely Genius!

2008-07-10T13:35:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a store named "Kentucky Fried Chicken". "Kentucky Fried Chicken" was founded by a man named Colonel Harland Sanders in 1952. "Kentucky Fried Chicken" was shortened to "KFC" in 1991. Every Mother's Day, my family would head to the KFC and get a bucket of chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, potato wedges, biscuits, coleslaw, and their homemade root beer. A family tradition to give Mom the day off from cooking. The one Sunday a year that my dad would actually spend money. I'm not kidding. Imagine this- Superbowl Sunday comes around and into the microwave goes the Little Ceasars pizza that was purchased the day before in order to avoid the sin of Sunday-Money-Spending. Ah, it was glorious. But I digress......

The drumsticks were the desired hunk of meat and we always had to make sure to split them evenly among the kids. I mean, honestly, one person can't just get them all, right? We'd gorge ourselves on greasy chicken and side dishes until we couldn't even move. And then we'd wash our hands with the little hand wipes they provide (in the package with the famous "spork") which always smells like Fruit Loops to me. And I'd be content and happy.

Now that I am older and wiser, I still embrace the belief that KFC is a smorgasbord of pure love. Powdered mashed potatoes have never tasted so good. Chicken with an inch of greasy skin have never been beat. And the Macaroni and Cheese? Well, let's just say that if I died with KFC's Macaroni and Cheese dripping from my mouth, I'd be dying a happy woman.

Remember how you used to have to order everything that you wanted separately if you were just eating for one? I couldn't really ask for a large bucket of chicken with the large sides it comes with on my own, right? So this is what I would say: An individual size of popcorn chicken, a large side of mashed potates and gravy, and a large side of mac'n'cheese. And then I'd return to my childlike state of gorging. But............ now I can get my mashed potatoes and gravy and popcorn chicken in one big bowl! I mean, seriously? How in the world did I live without the Mashed Potato Bowl for so long? Granted, I lose out on my mac'n'cheese. But have you tasted the Mashed Potato Bowl? It's amazing! It's like going into a restaurant and having them throw a bunch of wonderful pleasures into one bowl for you to eat!

Now I need to go and finish gorging on my bowl of happiness as I've spoken my peace.

Much Love!

Another Year

2008-07-08T11:17:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, today is my birthday. I am officially 29 years old as of 11:06 AM. And so I begin my last year in my 20's. Remember how exciting birthdays were when we were kids? Parties and presents and friends and all that. It was tied with Christmas for the most exciting day of the year. But on your birthday, it was ALL about you and you didn't have to share the day with anybody else. And then we grow up. And birthdays are just another day that just happens to add another digit to the way our chronological years are numbered. Amazing how things can change like that. Don't get me wrong, I still love my birthday. Though I pretend like it's a big deal, I have no problem with getting older. Mostly because I'm still young. Hahaha! So my birthday is like a game to see how many people remember, but I don't get hurt if people forget. (I'm horrible with remembering birthdays myself.) This year I'm scoring pretty good, actually. Emails and e-cards and phone calls and texts and in person. It's interesting to think about how many people each of us really knows. We look at our circle of friends and our family and they are a given. But my goodness, I've had people wish me Happy Birthday that I don't even talk to very often at all! So to be perfectly honest, I'm feeling special today. And after dinner with some of my closest friends, I'll be one happy camper. Without the camping, unfortunately. :)

Anyways, I had a crazy busy weekend. It was nice to get out and do so much and see so many people. 4-wheeling with Jarad, the Sugarhouse Art Festival and a Bee's game with Billy, and spending some nice relaxing time with Michael. I had an excellent weekend and feel refreshed and happy. And that, ladies and gentleman, is a wonderful thing.

If you aren't aware, I got a DUI and am at the tail end of my probation. I'm technically supposed to be on probation until October, but my PO has talked about taking me off probation early so I doubt I'll be on it much longer. I have to call a phone number every day to see if they call my number and if they do (it's a 2) then I have to go in for a pee test for drugs, and a breathalyzer. Which is weird since people could still drink the night before and then pass the breathalyzer. But today they are doing a pee test that can actually test for alcohol for the past 5 days. And it'll be so nice because when I pass (since I have been a very very good girl) then maybe they will take that into consideration and let me off even earlier! It's not that big of a deal since it's just one time a month for my probation meeting and then the random tests. But it will be SO nice to not have to call the phone number every single day and then work around my plans and work to get in there when it's my number. I guess we'll see when I meet with my PO later this month. Maybe it's silly, but I'm excited about this test. Knowing that I'm going to pass is a very good feeling. I'm sure that there are going to be plenty of people that they "bust", but I am extremely proud to say that I won't be one of them. Wahoo!!!

I am going to leave work early today. I had the entire day off but came in for a few hours. I'm going to grab a nice cold iced tea and change into shorts and a tank top and grab the book I'm currently reading and head to the park to enjoy the sun and freedom and nature. And think about everything in my life that I'm grateful for. Even with troubles and worries and problems and issues, life is good. And this life is MINE. So I'm making today, my birthday, my individual Thanksgiving.

Much Love!