Insomnia The Sequel

So I sit here again after battling with sleep. When it really boils down to it, I am weak and my desire to sleep never kicks the ass of my inability to sleep. The side-affects of having an active mind. Time for bed? NOPE! The brain decides to keep on churning out its chaotic butter. Damn the active mind!

The door is cracking and the ceiling is creaking. My dog is snoring and I'm not sleeping.

I am in love with the thought of being in love. But only the thought of it. The reality of it terrifies me. I am content with my apartment and my dog and my sole control of the remote and my ability to keep the heat how I want it and the lights glowing until it's bedtime. I am strong and able and confident being alone. And I am in love with the THOUGHT of being in love..... Complications galore, my dears.

I dream crazy dreams where people combine into one. Many people in my life combined into one person. Or many people in my life where in my dream they keep changing characters. It's this person, and then that person, and then this other person, and then that new person, and then... you get the point. A friend told me that I'm trying to create the perfect person in my dreams. That the changing people, or combined people, mean that I'm trying to take the best parts of everyone and making them one perfect person. The truth? I have no idea. Dreams are just dreams. Everyone thinks differently so how can one person's dream have the same meaning as another's?

Okay, so speaking of dreaming- I am now going to try again to sleep. And dream my crazy dreams.

I was going to apologize for the random blog, but it's MY blog and if you read it- you read it for a reason. Including my crazy sleep-deprived attempts at forming a thought.

Much Love!

Insomnia

It's 2:11 AM as I start to blog. I've been trying to sleep for the past two hours, and sleep is playing a mind-reader's game of hide and seek. It hides, all I can seem to do is seek. So after lying there turning from my left side, to my right side, to my stomach, to my back, and over and over again, I realize that sleep is not cuddling up to me tonight and I may as well share my nightime meanderings.

Utah feels weird. All the sights are familiar. All the people are comfortable. I've got some new furniture, but an old soul. I've got some new neighbors, but the same old story. Jessica. Single. Alone. Independent. Looking for something to fill the hole inside me.

On that last statement, I will now go further. I don't know what my "meaning" is in life. I don't know what role I am supposed to fill. I keep trying and will never give up on anything that I feel is important enough to strive for. But what is it that I really desire? Sometimes it just seems like I float through life with no ambition, or motivation, or knowledge. As I've stated before, I took a chance with moving to Montana. And if felt good. It really did. But is picking up my life and moving everytime I feel unsettled the way to go? Do I just bounce around from city to city, town to town, state to state? Just hoping that I finally find that feeling of belonging? That feeling of peace? That feeling of I'm where I'm supposed to be?

I think that's why it was so easy to move to Montana. I was bored in Utah. I wanted an adventure. I wanted to actually take a risk in this life that has always been so predictable for me. I wanted an excuse and reason to do something MORE. And now here I am, back in Utah. Back where everything is boring and comfortable and predictable.....

Lack of slumber, lack of emotion, lack of culpability. I'm lacking, if you will.

Who the hell am I? Am I Jessica the friend? Am I Jessica the family member? Am I Jessica the ex-girlfriend? Am I Jessica the dog-owner? Am I Jessica the initiated? Am I Jessica the explorer? Am I Jessica the gambler? Am I Jessica the lone wolf? Am I Jessica the writer? Am I Jessica the sacrifice? Am I Jessica the hopeless? Am I Jessica the hopeful?

I have no idea. I want to find myself, but how does one go about doing that? The typical response would be "spend time alone", but I already do that (and have been doing it for the past 7 years or more). I guess that in the middle of this December night, I'm praying to a God I don't necessarily believe in that I can find a way to live a life I actually want. A life that's MINE. A life that will satisfy me. A life that doesn't include or exclude anyone or anything. A life that fulfills. Please, I'm praying. I need to get a life. (Pun intended.)

I will wake up tomorrow and work my 8 hours of work. I will watch my TV show. I will talk to people on the phone and/or over text. I will go to the store to replenish my groceries since I've been cooking a lot. I will pet my dog. I will say hello and be cheerful to anyone that I come across. I will put together the two bookshelves that my Mom D gave me for early Christmas. I will unpack the rest of my boxes. I will feel proud that my apartment looks good. I will walk around in a T-shirt with no bra, and boxer shorts, when I'm officially home for the night. I will make myself lunch. I will do the dishes. I will check CNN to see if anything interesting is happening in the world. I will put a piece of paper through my shredder since it makes me smile. I will look into what I'm wanting to do for Christmas and hope there is time to finish it. I will spend money on something that is needed to complete said Christmas presents. I will put my clean pants in their respective spots in my closet. I will update my Facebook status. I will take a shower and brush my teeth. I will drink a bunch of glasses of milk. All this will be done tomorrow, and it doesn't mean much of anything to me. Because I am lost.

The crazy thing about it all is that though I do miss Michael, I don't think about him very much. Out of sight, out of mind. Horrible, I know. The end of a 2-year relationship should have more of an impact on me. I mean it does, but it doesn't. I suppose most of that is that I wasn't ever his Number One and I always knew it. So I suppose I prepared myself for this, expected it even. When you expect something to happen and it does, it's hard to feel shocked or amazed, or even completely sad about it. Damn, that's a hard one to explain. Because I do feel sad, but I don't. Blah on that subject. Emotional complications galore.

I want to learn to play the guitar. I want to write my book. I want to groom dogs. I want to walk on the beach. I want to go on a cruise. I want to lose weight. I want to shoot my 9mm. I want to get a new "look". I want to listen continually to the cast of "Glee" on youtube. I want to find my MP3 player. I want to staple papers together. I want to find a perfume that I love. I want to sing karaoke without feeling ashamed. I want to stop doing everything for other people. I want to love someone that loves me back just as much. I want to get a second dog. I want.....

Okay. This blog is getting way too long. I just CAN'T SLEEP. I'm going to take Sunni on a walk around the cemetary that I live across the street from. And think think think think think think think think think think.

Not just temporary satisfaction, but long term contentment....... Who is Jessica and what does she really want from life?

Much Love!

Importance

I firmly believe that none of us will ever know the impact that we have had on other people and their lives. I will always think about numerous people that affected me and meant something to me in one way or another. And I'm pretty sure that none of those people could imagine that they still exist in the occasional thought of mine.

Friends, relationships, acquaintences. Some good, some bad. But those people helped make me who I am today and I will never forget them. Ever. And I wish that I could tell some of those people just how much they meant to me, and just how much importance they actually did have in my life.

Due to the wonder of modern technology (aka: the internet) and of modern websites (aka: Facebook), I have been fortunate to get back in contact with some of those people. And I have been able to communicate to them just how much they meant to me, and will always mean to me.

And there is a flip side to that.

I am being amazed. People that I thought I was just another face in the crowd to are opening up. I am getting closure on some things. I am being reminded of so many good times that I have forgotten about. And I am getting reminded over and over again that I am and always will be loved. It's completely blowing my mind, to be honest.

There are people that I knew from years and years ago that were so extremely important to me. I loved them. And amazingly enough, I am constantly being made to see that I wasn't just a little blip on their radar. That their love for me was equal to my love for them. It wasn't just a one-way street. I know that it may be silly to even think that it was ever that way, anways. But I think we all have a bad habbit of diminishing our importance to other people.

I may not be communicating very clearly what I'm trying to say, and I apologize.

The point that I'm trying to make is this: Just as I hold people close to my heart, those same people hold me close to their hearts. And for that, I am honored.

Much Love!

Signs? Omens? Chances?

So here I sit in my home office for the next week. And then I'll have a new home office. Decisions had to be made.

I believe that we all have energy, and the energy we have is stronger than anyone can even imagine. I also believe that using that energy when it comes to making choices can show you the way. Or at least lead you in a certain direction.

When I was deciding whether to move to Montana or not, I saw all sorts of signs. I kept an open mind and kept my eyes open. There's a long list of things that made themselves apparent to me that Montana was the way for me to go. And though it's ended, it's ended well. I've had a great time out here in Montana, seen some amazing things, met some wonderful people. I have NO regrets on moving here. Not one.

So in figuring out where to go and what to do NOW, I've again been keeping an open mind and keeping my eyes open. And the new signs are all around. Certain names continually popping up, certain places, certain thoughts. Even people are having a crazy influence on my situation.

I am moving back to Salt Lake. For now. I have a storage unit that needs going through, I have some other things to take care of in Utah. Until I move again.

Things came together for me. I found an apartment in one day that will allow me to have Sunni and have a 6-month lease. I got all the utilities scheduled for hooking up in one day. The U-haul trailer is a LOT cheaper than originally assumed. My car has a ton of brand new stuff so it's been reborn and ready to drive to Salt Lake. Michael is gone this weekend which gives me the whole time to have the house to myself and pack. I marvel about how smoothly this is all happening. It truly blows my mind.

But I only intend on staying in Salt Lake for the 6 months. I am single, with nothing tying me down anywhere. I am lucky enough to work from home where I can simply pick up and move without any complications with my job. And I feel nomadic. Staying in one place for too long holds no appeal to me. At least staying in Salt Lake for too long holds no appeal. I've lived there pretty much all of my life. And though Salt Lake will always be "home", it no longer draws me or makes me feel like that is where my life is to be lived.

You see, I have evolved. I have taken a step out of my comfort zone and found that I LOVE the challenge. I love doing something that I never expected I would do. I love experiencing different things instead of just "knowing" how things are going to be. So I am taking chances. I refuse to be stuck. I have blogged before about feeling stuck. That's Utah to me. Stuck. And I hate stuck.

I am going to LIVE my life, instead of just having one. In 6 months, you'll find me somewhere else. Because I'm reading the signs.

Much Love!

BTW

By the way- I am back.

Much Love!

The Game

I am just recently single and have NO desire to date right now. The thought of dating makes me want to wretch. Sometimes it just seems so futile- you date, you fall in love, you move in, you move out of state for them, you get dumped on your ass. What's the point of the two years you spent with them? But.... you learn, you love, you have good (and bad) memories, you connect with someone for a little while. And then it's all gone and you have to rebuild your own life. Which sucks. BUT.... you did learn, you did love, you do have new memories, you did connect with someone.....

Let's face it, there are always little parts of yourself that you change/lose/adapt/compromise/etc when in a relationship. So you don't like to talk on the phone, but your significant other feels they need that. You end up making an exception and talk on the phone to them. You don't like a certain type of movie, but they REALLY want to see it. So you sacrifice and go to the overpriced movie theater, buy overpriced popcorn and an overpriced Coke, and see the movie with them. You don't feel cared for enough and need a little bit more. So they adapt and give you more attention. See? It's all a battle. A personal effort. And then when its taken away?

You rebuild yourself as a single person. You go back to those traits that you could only enjoy as a single person without having to worry about anyone else. You resort to thinking "who in the world was I?" when realizing just how much you were willing to sacrifice for that someone. And then you transform into someone else. Not necessarily a "selfish" person, but a person who only has themself. I am only me now. I make my own choices with no outside influence or worry. I do whatever I want to do without having to "report" to anyone. And since it's so fresh and new, it's lonely. I don't WANT to only think about myself. I don't WANT to do what's good for me and only me. But I will. Yes, I will.....

At this stage of life, I'm exhausted by doing so much on my own. A partnership should be equal. Equal responsibilities, equal chores, equal sacrifice, equal caring, equal respect. And I really mean ALL of those things (and more) should be equal. Sure, date the "responsible" guy, but where does that really leave you emotionally? Empty. That's it. Empty.

I'm not empty.

I was loved as much as He could possibly love me. And I'm proud of that and happy with that. But equally as sad is that He couldn't love me enough. But that's okay. In my own way, I didn't love him enough, either.

So life is give and take, losses and gains. If we stop playing, there's no way to ever win. It's as simple as that.

I was hurt and heartbroken. I am still hurt and heartbroken. But I'm oddly content with this hurt and heartbreak. It reminds me that I should never ever get too comfortable. That there is always going to be work to do in a relationship. That just loving someone is never enough. And that I should never sacrifice too much of myself for a small little hope of something more. I'm not worth giving up.

Sorry for all the comtemplation. I've just had a lot of thoughts in my head and writing them down (or "typing" them down) relieves some of my brain tension.

As Annie says "The sun will come out tomorrow".

Much Love!

Books And Other Things

I read a LOT. And it's mostly the dumb non-fiction murder mysteries and the like. And I have a theory about reading.

It's sad.

Because I read so fast that I get involved in another world and get excited to get back to that other world during work breaks, or on weekends, etc.

But since I'm such a fast reader, it's done. And when I finish a book, I feel at a loss for a bit. I liked that dreamworld that I existed in for the time that I was there. I liked the images that came into my mind and the worlds I imagined. I liked the knowledge that I was safe in my own comfortable little world while reading about people that were going through some traumatic situations. And then it's over and done and it makes me sad.

Keep in mind that I'd rather read a book than watch TV (with the exception of my two shows I watch which total an entire TWO hours during the whole week). I devour words and books like I'm a starving Bohemian thirsting for a drink. I prefer to imagine my own worlds, which can be done with books. Instead of SEE a world that someone else has created for you with watching movies.

Granted, I LOVE my movies. So maybe I'm not making sense.....

I love the fact that by reading a book, I can still use my imagination. Adults apparently forget how to use that. By reading a book, I have to imagine the neighborhood, what the people look like, what the police station looks like, etc. I get to be a kid again, in my own way. And I will never give that up.

But.... my point is that I love reading so much that I feel sadness when I finish a good book. Because it's over.

But..... on the other hand- sometimes things are better off being "over". Michael and I have broken up. We are friends, but not together due to some actually ridiculous circumstances. Which is okay.

I need to fly. I need to stop caring so much about someone else that I put my own life on hold for them. That I follow that person to some crazy small town and all that. I don't regret what I've done for a second. I really don't. I've had a great time and enjoyed some new things and taken a chance. And Michael and I will always love each other in our own way. Yet.... I need to fly.

And I like having wings.

Much Love!

I Try

I really try to not "hate". I honestly think that "hate" is a hugely negative thing. Yet, I find myself hating. Any normal person hates things. Like glitter, or computer viruses, or stale potato chips, or CNN, or airplanes, etc.....

But I have a Hate in me for a person. And it disturbs me. It's been a while since I have actually Hated a living human being. Though I can't really say that, because I have actually Hated this person for a while. (Yes, I capitalized the word "hate" for a reason.)

And I wonder what I am becoming. If I feel so much hatred towards someone, what does that make me?

I have always been sweet and caring. I have always tried to be accepting. I have always been proud of my heart. I have always been accepting of other lifestyles, and personalities. I am open to other peoples' religious beliefs and thoughts and feelings. I have always respected my familial obligations. So much in fact, that I'm closer to my honey's family that HE is. People generally like me. I'm sweet and conversational to the grocery store checker. I joke around with the random old guy at the gas station. When my order is right at Taco John's, I let them know how much I appreciate it. I am a good person.

So why do I feel so guilty for Hating a particular person? I shouldn't apologize for hate, right? It's deserved. I promise y0u that. I just feel like I should be better than that. Unlike HER. Evil bitch.... sorry.

I've been listening to a mix of angry rock and love songs all night. Hell- that's complex.

I'm going to continue listening to my MP3 player. And now my sister's songs are coming on and THAT is what matters.

Reality. The love that people have for me. And the love that I have for everyone. Hate- go away. Love is more important. Welcome, love.

Though I still Hate.....

Damnit!

Some Honesty

I want to write a book. I started it tonight. I have NO idea what it's going to be about, but from what I have heard/read about other writers, they had no idea where their story was going either. My book won't be a novel. It won't be anything special or astonishing, but I will love it because it will be MINE. Even if it ends up being just a short story instead of a book. It won't matter to me. I've have a TON of people tell me that I should publish my poetry. And that would be great, however..... I write for myself. And the poems that I write are symbolic and only make sense to me. And with my song lyrics? They are okay. Some are actually really good. But I can't see myself "selling" my lyrics to some studio so that somebody like Britney Spears, or whoever, can make millions off of them. Not that I'm saying what I have written as far as lyrics would ever be good enough to get to celebrity status. Not at all.

Let me just be clear here: I write poems, song lyrics, and am starting a book. I love my own writing and am proud of everything that I've ever written, because it's ME. Not because I'm this super amazing writer or anything. Some of my stuff is good, a lot of it isn't. But it's ALL good to me because I have written it all for myself.

Anyways.... honesty. Welcome to my real world, ladies and gents:

-Every now and then I'll throw my MP3 player and headphones on and dance like a crazy person in the house, and sing out loud outside. Either way, I will crazily dance, even if I'm going to the bathroom. Too much info, sorry.... but still true.

-I love pickles, but only the insides. I chew off all the good inside-ness and throw away the skins. Kinda gross, but it's my reality.

-I talk to Sunni and Mindy (our dogs) like they are actual people sometimes. Not the high-pitched dog voice, but a real voice. I tell them my problems. And then they lick my hand.

-I sleep on the couch a lot. NOT when Michael is here. Because I love sleeping in bed with him. But when I'm by myself at night, I sleep on the couch most of the time. And I have no idea why I do that. Maybe because sleeping in bed alone makes me miss Michael when he is working? I don't know. I just know that I sleep on the couch a lot.

-Netflix is pretty much my favorite thing in the entire world. Other than Amazon.com and Wetseal.com. So I guess that means that Netflix, Amazon.com, and Wetseal.com are my favorite things. As far as websites. Because I love certain people and experiences more than those websites, obviously.

-I want people to like me. I try to accept and adapt to other peoples' personalities so that I can get along with them and be accepted by them. Most of Michael's Utah friends didn't like me. And I never understood why. Now I do. And now I have met some of Michael's new friends, and they love me. And I get it. (That's a bit cryptic, I know. But apparently my blog is read by certain people that I would prefer to NOT read it, so I have to be cryptic to not say too much.)

-I need a blanket over me. Even when it's hot. It's like a comforting hug to me. So even if it's just the most thin sheet possible, I need it.

-I love horror movies and chick flicks. Um..... isn't that an extreme genre adoration? Yes, yes it is. But also, it is the truth. Those are the movies that I love.

-The last time my entire family was together was at my wedding. And I really really really want to see my mom, step-dad, brothers, dad, step-mom, sisters, and myself in one place again and take a big picture. I know it would be wierd, but it would make me really happy.

-Michael making me coffee every morning that he's home is better than getting roses. It's true. It's the small sweetness that it important.

-I crave meat. Which actually angers me. I LOVE me a good salad. More than most. I don't eat healthy intentionally, it just happens that I love salad and fruit and veggies. But sometimes I crave meat. I don't get angry about me craving meat. I'm okay with that. What angers me is that we don't have much meat in our house. So when I crave meat, it's just not satisfied. Hot dogs just don't cut it when wanting a good steak.

-Since Michael and I aren't married and have our individual bills/accounts/responsibilities, when it comes to something that I really want, I NEED to spend the money on it. It makes it mine. Not that we are going to have to worry about splitting up our things since we are doing AMAZING, it's just that I need to pay my own way. Hell, I lived by myself for 5 years, so it's just natural for me to buy things that I want when I can.

-I absolutely LOVE the smell of my baby girl Sunni. She has this scent that is only her, and I love it. It's on the top of her head. If I sniff the top of her head, it makes me happy. Like the scent of the parking garage at our old Park City condo, and the smell of our Bear Lake cabin.

-My mom adores Michael. And that makes me happy because I care about her opinion. I don't NEED her approval, but the glowing approval I received makes me extremely happy. On the same note, my dad adores Michael, too. And Michael's mom and step-dad Zac adore me. So it's good to go with las familias!

-I am agnostic. Which means I have no believe or disbelief in much of anything. Which leaves me with nothing but questions. And that scares me.

-We have a ghost in our house. But she loves us because we take care of her house. She is sweet and protective. She keeps the spiders and most of the bugs outside, and we respect her house and keep it clean. It's a win-win situation.

-I recently found out that Michael speaks VERY well of me to his work friends. Considering that he doesn't speak his mind much, I was so extremely flattered to hear from a friend of Michael's that Michael speaks so highly of me. WOW. That's awesome! I love that boy.

-I really wish that more musicals were made. Modern musicals. I love musicals, even the older ones. And the cartoon ones. Confession: "The Little Mermaid" is my favorite Disney movie EVER. Though my favorite musical of all time (so far- and people that know me are already aware of this) is Rent. I LOVE RENT.

-Last part of honesty- it's time for bed. True.

Much Love!

Some Things I Hate

-While watching TV, seeing peoples' eyes move to the point where you know they are just reading their cue cards or monitors. If there are editors, why don't they catch this pathetically obvious thing? Eyes moving from right to left on TV. It's pathetically obvious. I hate it.

-The whole "wearing the pants low to the point where your ass is hanging out" trend. Boys and girls. Boys doing it makes them look like they can't even afford a belt. Girls doing it makes them look like sluts. (Sorry, but true.) I hate it.

-Tattoos that people get because the tattoo is "cute", or "trendy", or "popular", or "pretty", or etc. Tattoos are on your skin FOREVER, and if you don't get one that actually means something to you, you are dumb. Sorry, but true. My two tattoos are very very symbolic to me and my life, so they will stay that way for the rest of my life. Getting stupid tattoos..... I hate it.

-Social expectations. No matter what the social expectation is. Whether it's being fake, having kids, getting married, watching TV faithfully, etc. If you fail to do or believe in these expectations, you are odd. I'm not fake, I don't want kids, I will get married to Michael someday but not now, I don't watch much TV, etc. Any social expectation..... I hate it.

-Restaurant tables. (And the fact that I have to pull up dictionary.com to spell "restaurant" since it's one of my words I have issues spelling.) Do people not even realize that the cleaning of tables is with the same cloth that was used on 10 previous tables and it's all just pretty much swiped off? If I see someone, anyone, put their forks or spoons on the table and then eat with it, I get a sick feeling. I hate it.

-The under-estimation of musicals. I adore musicals, and don't understand the bad rap they get. It's not "gay". It's not weird. It's good music within a movie. I LOVE musicals, and the assumption that they suck? I hate it.

-Old Navy commercials. I have never ever liked a single Old Navy commercial. They are horrible, and they suck. I hate them.

-The random hair in the mouth. Whether it's from a dog, an unknown source, an "encounter" (you all know what I mean), a lint pickup, whatever. It's gross. I hate it.

-Michael Moore. People think he exposes things for what they are. But what he "exposes" is only his opinion. Hell, if I could make movies based on my opinion, that would be awesome. I could make movies, too! And be so much more a better looking "spokesperson" than him. The fact that people get sucked in to Michael Moore's opinion.... I hate it.

-Chapped lips. I am addicted to Chapstick. I have always been addicted to some form of lip moisturizer. Always. Chapstick is my personal favorite, and I NEED it. But.... my addiction to Chapstick and my anger towards chapped lips?..... I hate it.

-Snakes. That's it. Snakes. I hate them.

-Sarah Palin. Again, I hate snakes. (Haha!). I hate her/it/them.

-Snoring. Thank God my honey Michael doesn't snore. Yet.... my dog Sunni does.... I hate it.

-Government control. No explanation needed on that. I hate it.

-When a younger woman's teeny tiny dress flies up in the wind and just happens to show my boyfriend her ass. Sadly enough, it has the potential to cause weirdness. I hate it.

-The cold. If I have goosebumps (other then the good ones) then I am completely uncomfortable and I hate it.

Okay okay okay. There's still a lot more that I hate, but I should let it go for tonight. It's time for bed!!!

Much love!

Fantastic Discovery!!

So when I get off work and jump on Facebook, I need background noise. So I turn on the TV. Michael and I get a majestic THREE channels. Simply amazing!

(It works for us just fine since we have Netflix. And though they say "all you need is love", I disagree. I think that "all you need is unlimited movies through Netflix". True story.)

Anyways, so while halfway watching the commercials on one of the three channels we receive, I found something that makes me feel confident that good things are actually still available in the world. This is excluding the already great things, such as: friends and family and food and sleeping and sex and pets and Montana Anti-Meth commercials and working at home and dentists and..... you get the point. So the commercial says "Want $50 for $25? Log on to blahblahblahblah.com (can't remember the website- it's saved as a favorite on my work computer) and click on 'Half off Great Falls'".

There's a restaurant that I've wanted to go to for dinner. I thought it was Indian or something like that, because the sign always advertises belly dancers. I know that belly dancers don't really mean that the restaurant serves Indian food, but in my silly mind the two go together. And though I'm not a huge fan of spicy food, I figured it would be a fun experience.

So imagine my surprise when I log on to the website and it says that I can buy two $25 gift certificates for $25. Meaning I can literally get $50 worth of food for $25. That's freaking awesome in itself. And then..... I find out that it's Greek food, not Indian. I LOVE GREEK FOOD.

So I am completely happy right now. I get $50 worth of Greek food for $25- and I can plan to go with Michael on a night when they have belly dancers for entertainment!!!

Apparently, there are more perks out here than I realized....

Next month's special deal? Gift certificates for Taco Del Mar. And I just so happen to like me some Mexican food, as well.......

Much Love!

A Tad Creepy.....

So Michael and I stopped at the gas station the other night. He "gassed up" while I went inside to buy beer and a drink that Michael wanted. I went in right after a man who actually ended up following me in. He held the door for me, and then followed me around the store. I opened the little door thing in the refrigerated area to get Michael's drink and grabbed his drink. Then realized the bottle was sticky. So I went to open the door again to get a clean bottle and creepy guy was there. I attempted to shut the door so that he could squeeze by, and he made the signal to go for it, no worries. (Which meant he wanted me to bend over again for him.....). So I grab Michael's drink and start walking towards the beer area. This random girl says "Can I tell you something?" from across the store. She runs up to me and proceeds to tell me that I have the perfect body. And then continues giving me details on how I have the perfect body. Explicit details......

As I am a nice person, I thank her for the compliment. I finally find what I need to get and walk to the counter to check out. I hear "There's the hot girl again!". Apparently, the woman that adored me was just in the bathroom and not gone. So she again told me how I have the perfect body while I am buying beer and wine at the check-out.

As weird and creepy as the whole situation was- I FEEL GOOD. She wasn't ugly. She wasn't dirty. She wasn't gross. And here this woman felt the need (probably a drunken need) to tell me that I look amazing. She literally told me that she didn't "GO" that way, but if she did it would be me. Granted, she was probably completely drunk or stoned or whatever. But I choose to take it as a complete compliment.

I'm writing about it because it was one of the most random and weird things, yet it made me feel confident.

So thank you, random drunk and/or drugged out girl! Thank you.

Other than that, Michael and I made progress this weekend. We bought a lawnmower and I actually used it a bit to help mow the lawn. Michael did most of it, but I figured I should probably help out, so I did. And then we were in the mood- so we started doing yardwork together. Michael said "This is our first time doing yardwork together", and it's true. So it was nice. We have plans for the yard. And I have actually stepped in and helped, as opposed to just having Michael do it all. So that's great! I shoveled and he dug, and it's looking good. We have plans....

Anyways, it's time for bed. Especially since I'm trying to work a 12-hour day tomorrow.....

And just so people know- I HATE anonymous comments. Be yourself, that's all I ask....

Much Love!

Fascinating...

So I'm watching Dateline right now. And the story that was just on it absolutely brilliant and completely fascinates me!

In Indio, California, the cops are actually getting feisty towards the homes that have been forclosed on. Apparently there is a law there that states that a property owner MUST maintain certain standards. Like no broken windows, a nice yard, etc.

So they are going around to houses that are now "bank-owned" and letting them know that they (the bank) are in violation of the law unless they take care of the problems.

So all these banks in Indio are now having to pay out the money to hire people to do landscaping, housework, etc on vacant homes.

I, personally, think that is brilliant!! I just had to share because that makes me extremely happy. The knowledge that someone, somewhere, has found a way to punish the banks that screwed people. Granted, I get VERY angry at the stupid selfish people that got huge houses just to look good, be vain, and prove how much money they pretend to have. But a LOT of people lost their jobs and THOSE are the people I feel for. No job = no money for mortgage payments. So that's what makes me happy. Punishing big business. Wahoo!!!

Much Love!

I'm Turning Canine

What I mean by that is that I pretty much hang out with 2 dogs for the majority of my time. That's not a complaint in the slightest. I love our babies. I'm just going to have a hard time not meeting people and wanting to scratch their stomachs and rub their ears. (Which would be an easy way to weed out the uptight people, right?) :)

For those of you that don't know, I have horrible teeth. I found a dentist out here and have been getting some work done, and have plans on as much work as my insurance will pay in a calendar year. And maybe a even a bit more. I had one broken tooth (I know, it's gross and yucky) that I got fixed today. And I can't even explain how much better it makes me feel about my smile, and my whole self in general! I forget how nice it is to be able to smile that regular Jessica smile without covering it up. So I am feeling pretty good about things right now.

As here's something that I'm proud of- for dinner last night I made Pork Chops and Broccoli Cheese soup which was delicious. And then tonight for dinner..... I made some crazy mixture. Rice, cheese, leftover Pork Chops, leftover Broccoli Cheese Soup, and butter. I am an amazing cook, and inventor. I can cook amazingly well, and then invent something just as amazing with the leftovers! (Sorry, I'm just proud of being able to cook and then re-use the leftovers by cooking again.)

It's finally starting to warm up out here. It hit 66 degrees today, and should be 77 degrees by Monday! I am just going to take in the sun and good weather when I can, and appreciate it for what it is.

Michael and I are going to Missoula next weekend to spend the day with Michael's friend and his wife. I'm really looking forward to it. It will be nice to meet some new people and spend some time in a different place.

Anyways, I have to go because I'm getting tired. I have overtime to do this week. I'm trying to keep things updated. I know that I used to talk about my thoughts and feelings and opinions a lot more. I'm sorry that it's turned into me just writing random updates on my life. After work these days I just want to sit and watch movies and relax- and NOT be on a computer. So it's hard to get on here as much as I'd like. I suppose I should work on that.

Much Love!

Goodbye, Dear Tank Tops

So it's April. And now I live in Montana. Which means that there is an inch or so of snow on the ground right now. For someone that hates the cold and loves sweating from summer heat, this is an issue.

I will deal with it, obviously. My mom teased me about how it is always cold here- and it got annoying. But now I have to suck it up and admit that she was absolutely right. It's cold here, damnit.

It wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that the wind never stops. So even when it's SUPPOSED to be 80 degrees, it feels like 70, or even 65, because it is constantly blowing. Which blows. (Pun intended!)

But on the other hand- this is the place to be if the USA is going down. Our power is not through crazy lines that come from crazy sources. As long as the Missouri River is running, we have power. And if someone were to blow up the dams, you ask? Well.... no power. But as far as being able to live- there are natural springs that just gurgle water from the middle of the Earth. Water is the most important thing needed to survive. And we have that.

Sorry, that was pretty random. I just think it's cool that my life is not entirely dependent on anything other than nature out here.

Anyways......
I'm adapting to working from home. At first I would have the TV on. But I found that when the TV is on, I actually end up distracted and wanting to watch it. So my new thing is to put in DVD after DVD throughout the day. And the good thing about that is that I'm putting in the DVDs that I've seen a billion times and can pretty much tone out. See- it's complex. I can't have silence when I am working. It drives me insane. But I can't have something on that I am really interested in. (I started getting into damn soap operas, as much as I hate to admit it. Did GiGi tell Rex that she didn't cheat on him with Brody but just pretended to so that her sister would give up her bone marrow to save GiGi's son's life since the sister wanted Rex and wouldn't be a donor unless GiGi ended it with Rex, even though it turns out that she's not even a match as a donor but knows who is and is using him- the person I don't know about yet- for his bone marrow? I don't know, because I started caring and had to stop.)

Music may be a possibility. Michael showed me how to stream music, so I may try that out once I exhaust every movie in the house. I only worry that I will just want to sing and sing and then again- have trouble focusing. See- I have this thing called a "work ethic". And this other thing called "motivation". I honestly want to do well at my job. Yes, I work for a paycheck. But I feel good when I end the day knowing that I did my job well. So I just need to find the perfect balance between background noise vs too much noise vs not enough noise. But practice makes perfect, right?

Other than that, things are normal and well here. Not a whole lot happening. We were going to see the slot car races this weekend, but I doubt we'll get out much since IT SNOWED.

I am now going to heat myself up some burritos and slather them with cheese and sour cream, and watch a movie. And then go to bed to prepare myself for more work tomorrow. Due to mandatory overtime, this is a busy week for me.

I know that wasn't the most exciting or entertaining post. Sorry. Just wanted to send another update.

Much Love!

Montanan. Seriously. Update Here....

So I wondered- are people that live in Montana called "Montanans", "Montanites", "Montanians", etc. And it's true- "we" are called Montanans. I heard it on a commercial. (And everything that is on TV it true and real.)

So here I am in Great Falls, MT. It's a small town (though it's the third largest in Montana, which is really hard to believe yet still true). I tried to get lost the other day while driving around, but it's small enough that you can't really get lost in it. Plus you've got the added help that the streets are similar to Salt Lake. For those of you that don't know, Salt Lake is based on a North/South and East/West map. There's a split between the East and West sides of town, and the North and South. The further south you go, the higher the "south" you are on is. So in Great Falls it's similar though it's all Avenues and Streets. The streets run east to west and go from like 1st street to a billionth street. (I only say that because I don't know how far east it goes.) Then there's Central Ave. The streets north of Central are 1st Ave N, 2nd Ave N, etc.... and I'm sure you can figure out that it's the same going south. So though I tried to lose myself in this city (which I'm more inclined to call a town), I couldn't.

I don't necessarily DISLIKE Great Falls. I can't dislike someplace after only being there for a week. It's just that it's still winter so it looks dirty and ugly. It will pass, I know. That's why I'm holding onto the fact that I need to make the best of it and it will change.

There are no Taco Bells or Taco Times here. But if you go the 10th Ave S (the main strip), you will find a Taco John or Taco Treat on every corner. Makes me think that the average Great Falls citizen indulged in tacos enough to have a huge following for each of them. (Now I'm craving tacos.....)

On a different subject- I am used to good-looking people. Salt Lake City has amazingly good-looking people at every turn. I don't know why, but it's true. And I think that SLC folk agree with me. But here in Great Falls...... Let me just say I went to the gas station the other day and everyone I came across just looked at me as if they would be willing to do anything I asked of them if I would let them touch me for just one moment. And you should all know by now that I don't have the highest self-esteem when it comes to my physical looks. That right there says a LOT. So I guess my advice to any woman who feels like they are not attractive- move to Great Falls. You will pretty much be the most attractive woman in town..... (It's just WEIRD!)

I absolutely LOVE our little rental house. It's small, but it's just me, Michael, and our children (the dogs) so it's the perfect size. And it actually has a really good "feel" to it. My office/room (my clothes and dresser are in there) looks absolutely awesome. I've worked in there for 32 hours so far with no complaints whatsoever. Okay, I have complained. But only about work, not my office itself.

The dogs are getting along okay. Sunni still tries to do a power-play with Mindy by attempting to hump her. But other than that, they are good friends.

It's been fabulous seeing Michael. For the whole 45 hours I have seen him since arriving here (which includes about more than 20 hours sleeping) Sunday morning (at 4 AM.) Which doesn't sound that bad until you realize there are 24 hours in a day and so I've been here since Sunday which (I just did the math) means that I've only actually spent time with him awake for....

<----- so I wrote the above pretty soon after I moved here and didn't post it, or anything since (obviously).

The town of Great Falls really is a lot better looking after the dirty snow crap goes away. I still don't get lost, but I'm actually getting a feel for the place. I know where to go to get to Smith's, Barnes & Noble, Starbucks, the "mall", etc. And on the weekend we have been hiking. It's freaking beautiful out here! Keep in mind that I have a sky fetish, and am now living in "Big Sky Country". So I just stare above a lot.

I work a lot. I signed up for an overtime project, and then got told that I have mandatory overtime for my actual normal job..... so I'm in my office a lot. But hey- it's money, right? We (Michael and I) have a plan to get completely out of debt. Though he is actually out of debt, so now it's on me... Haha! We have the long term plan of living in a sailboat on the ocean. Seriously. I know it sounds like a silly fantasy, but we can realistically do it in about 8 years or so. Meaning buy the sailboat with cash. If all goes well, we won't have to be drained with the 9-5 office jobs for ours lives. (And I mean that in the sense of working a boring steady job, since Michael's job most definately ISN'T a 9-5 office job.....)

Anyways, it's amazing out here as long as you are into the outdoors. Turns out that half the town just goes to the bars and gets drunk on the weekends, the other half are outside doing something active with nature. Can you guess which half I will fall into? :) (And if you say going to the bars, I am disappointed that you see me that way. Haha!)

Speaking of the bars, most of the stores in town (even the "mall") close at 6 on Saturdays. That's just crazy to me! But apparently, that's the big night for everyone to go out and get drunk.....

I bought myself some really expensive hiking boots. I am actually going to push myself to the breaking point and do some crazy hiking. Now that I don't smoke (I quit smoking, for those that aren't friends on Facebook) I can actually push myself to the point of exhaustion without my lungs feeling pain. Granted, they still hurt due to the lack of using them for anything good for a while. But they don't hurt like they used to. Yah for not smoking!!!!

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging. It's hard now that I don't blog at work. When I am working now, I am working. I even told Michael today to stop talking to me since I had to focus. So it's hard to get on the computer after work again. I will try though, damnit! :)

For those that "follow" me or even just read my blog, I am now officially on Facebook. Which I thought was dumb, until I found out that it is NOTHING like Myspace. So anyways, if you feel like getting in touch on Facebook (since I'm on there more than here), search for Jessica Maher. That's me, that's my name.

Anyways, back to Great Falls. It's a totally different way of life. A slower one. And I like that. Maybe I'm built for a smaller town atmosphere. Maybe I have a small town mentality. Whatever it is, I like that nobody seems to be in a crazy rush out here. People drive the actual speed limit! (Unheard of, I know!)

The relationship between me and Michael is so much better than it has ever been. There has always been issues between us, but now that we are out here together, they don't exist. We have been having a great time getting to REALLY know each other. We even sit down to dinner at a table instead of in front of the TV and just talk to each other about some random thought that just strikes us or whatever!

I did freak out one night. Michael was gone and I couldn't talk to anyone out here since I still don't know anyone. I felt like I was completely alone in this world. But I wasn't alone in this world. Though I'm not physically close to those I love (other than Michael, Mindy, and Sunni), I still know that I am loved. Which means that I am NOT alone. As cheesy as that may sound, it's the truth.

Okay, it's bedtime. I just wanted to post what I attempted to write a while ago, and update on what is happening now.

I am lucky, I am loved, I am happy, I can breathe!!, I am stable, I feel good. This was a good decision. And I thank myself for being strong enough to make it.

Much Love!

I Am A Loser

That's what an anonymous commenter said on my last blog post. I deleted the comment.

I'm perfectly fine with constructive criticism, I'm perfectly fine with someone thinking I am a loser.

But this is my domain and I don't feel the need to hold on to any negativity. I'm addressing this only because I'm not ashamed that someone commented that I'm a loser. I'm just not keeping the comment.

In with the good, out with the bad.

I'm sure that there are plenty of people out there who think I'm a loser. Awesome. I really don't care. It's not shocking. The most important thing is that I don't think I'm a loser. And that's the bottom line.


With that said- I can't believe I am leaving on Saturday! When I first heard that I got approved for moving, they gave me two months and it seemed like SO long. It's now almost been those two months. I can't wait to get everything all set up and just be out there and start having new experiences. I'm going to be having an adventure!

Oh, and I'm quitting smoking too. I started on Chantix (an RX specifically to quit smoking) on Sunday and you set your actual quit date for a week later. My actual quit date it Saturday since I want to be completely done when we start the drive to MT. So I'm starting things off clean.

I have made the choice to change my life and I don't have a single hesitation about it. As stated before, I've been needing change desperately. And it's finally here! And I have also been missing Michael like no other......

Speaking of Michael, he and a guy he met are starting a 4-wheeling/off-roading club in MT! So we will pretty much be packing up and heading off to do some crazy driving and spend some time with new friends on the weekends. It'll be great!

Optimism has taken over me, people. And I'm perfectly content that way.

Much Love!

For The Last Time....

My life has always been a crazy, and then boring rollar coaster. Meaning I've had periods of extreme change and ups and downs, and then long periods of situational stability. Feast or famine, if you may. And I've been thinking about the past 8 months and how much change has occured and how many "lasts" I have had.

When my apartment flooded, I packed up and moved out. After moving and cleaning, I stood in those empty rooms and a flood of memories swept through me. I lived in that place for 4 years. I had a lot of good times, and bad times, while under that roof. I wandered around and thought, and even cried a little. As much as I ended up hating living there due to the landlady and her kid, it had been MY apartment and I knew I would miss it. And to be honest, I do miss it. I loved living by myself, I loved the independence of it. But it was time to go, so I walked out of those rooms for the last time.

Then I moved in with Michael at the Sugarhouse duplex, which we loved. We started dating in September of 2007, so there were over a year's worth of memories in that space. Again, some bad but mostly good. Michael got the news that he had to transfer and ended up with Great Falls, MT. He moved right after Christmas. I remember how hard it was to see the plants being packed up, the books and DVD's being boxed, the furniture being moved. On moving day, I sat on the floor in the kitchen eating chips and cheese dip, and tried to not cry. Unsuccessfully, of course. When everything was loaded up into the U-Haul, the place was empty. There was no soul there anymore. I again wandered through the rooms just remembering. And then we walked out of the place we had called home together for the last time.

As you all know, I'm moving to Montana. And 3 months isn't a great amount of time to live somewhere, but it's been a comfort for me having my cute little room in my roommate's house. And at the end up next week, I'll be walking out of there for the last time.

And then there's work..... I have been coming to this building since November of 2000. Over 8 years of parking in the structure, taking smoke breaks, talking with coworkers who have become my friends, walking the hallways, heating up lunch in the microwave, meetings in the conference rooms, work parties, etc. 8 years! I'm trying to put into words what I'm feeling about this, and it's not working. I just FEEL it and am unable to express it. I apologize for that. But basically, this office has become a second home, and the people here have become a second family. And next Friday, I will walk out of here, box in hand, for the last time.

I am feeling a bit sentimental. I am feeling a bit sad. I am feeling a bit nostalgic. I am feeling a bit scared. I am feeling a bit emotional.

But I am also feeling a bit excited and happy and adventuresome and strong.

With all the "for the last time"'s I've had, there's another side of the coin.

There's the wonderful ability I have to say that I'm looking forward to seeing something and doing something- FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Much Love!

Do You Smell Smoke? I Think Some Bridges Are Burning....

It appears that I am burning some bridges. I'm not sure why and it makes me feel yucky. So it STOPS now! The two bridges I have burned will stay charred, I'm sure. But I refuse to burn any more. It's not me, it's not the person I want to be. No more. It's an unattractive quality that I simply do not want to possess.

We are all responsible for our own actions, and I take the responsibility that I deserve. I won't dwell on it, I won't further worry about it. But I won't do it again.

Enough said.

Much Love!

Road Entertainment

I am a true blue fan of being behind vehicles with multiple bumper stickers, funny license plates, funny license plate frames, etc. When stopped at a stoplight, it lightens my heart to see any type of wording, whether I agree with it or not. It's like reading a book while driving, and since you are following the book you don't actually end up smashing into the back of the car in front of you. (Since the "book" IS the car in front of you.)

It's also like taking a peek into the mind of the driver. Which, as an admitted voyeur (discussed, and also misspelled, HERE), puts a smile upon the face that contains my privacy-invading mind. *Yes, I'm also one of those people that annoys everyone by actually looking at the people driving around me. For some reason, looking at someone while they are either driving or next to you at a stoplight makes them feel very uneasy and uncomfortable. Yet it wouldn't actually be a feeling of invasion if you just looked at them the same exact way while walking at the mall or at a restaurant or wherever. I suppose people feel that their cars should be protective barriers and anyone that dares to penetrate this barrier with their eyeballs deserves to die and slow and painful death. A cruel and unusual one.

Anyway, I think it's human nature for us to try and figure out what the letters and numbers on a license plate mean. It feels like it's trying to tell us something extremely important to our survival and if we aren't able to decode the cryptic message, all is lost. And I just so happened to find my absolute favorite personalized license plate EVER while driving home from work last night. It was good enough that though they were driving horribly and offensively slow, I HAD to just stay behind them and keep on keeping on, lovingly enjoying the humor of it. I even pulled out the good 'ol cell phone camera in an attempt to capture this masterpiece. Unfortunately, it was dark and I couldn't. (Yes, I cried myself to sleep last night over the complete disappointment on not being able to look at it anytime I want.) So...... are you curious what it said?

The car itself was a Mini-Cooper, which makes it perfect. So keep in mind a little tiny car (and the whole big truck/small penis thought process) and this: **Highlight below to see it better. I didn't want to take away the surprise by making it stand out too much yet I couldn't find an exact color match to make it invisible to the naked eye**

ITSHUGE

Much Love!

Evolution

It's amazing to me how one errand can evolve into such a complex and tasking need to run other errands. For example, I am divorced. However, due to the Social Security Office being as it was when I GOT married (4 hour wait..... literally), I avoided going back there after my divorce. So my driver's license and social security card still say my married name. I left work yesterday to hit the SSA office (since I think it's probably a good idea to take care of it prior to moving to another state) thinking that it closes at 5 and getting there at 4 would be perfect. Wrong. It closes at 4 and I managed to arrive there at 4:01. Bummer.

So then I wonder what to do as I have my weekly dinner with Mister Man (aka Billy) but he's not off work yet. Hell, I've been wanting to get a new MP3 player since my old one conveniently disappeared during the Great Flood of 2008. (See previous blogs if you are unaware of the events that transpired.)

Best Buy, here I come. So after driving around aimlessly looking for the Best Buy off 21st South (since that's the location that actually had the one I wanted in stock), I finally arrive at my destination. Keep in mind that the driving around aimlessly resulted from my amazing ability to pay attention to the fact that it's on 21st South, but completely ignoring the remaining part of the address, leaving me with no idea what East or West it's on. I meander to the MP3 aisle and *jackpot*. I find my new baby. However..... there's not a salesperson around to get it out of the top-secret locked area where it has made its home. I finally drag a guy over that looks like he's 10. Get my MP3 player. Leave. Success.

Until..... I remember that you can't just zap music into your MP3 player with the power of your mind. Nope, you need what's called a computer. Repeat after me- c-o-m-p-u-t-e-r. So I hop in my car and drive wildly to my storage unit where my laptop happens to reside. Fortunately, I had placed it in a convenient location so I didn't have to dig through all my piles of memories and dusty furniture to get it. Grabbed it. Success.

Until...... I realized that I had NO idea where the chargy thingy was. If the said laptop has no power, there's no possibility of zapping my tunage. So I figure I'll just have to buy a new one.

Mister Man calls, we go to dinner. I have a hilarious picture of the check to post, but this website just took a hit off the crack pipe of functionality and isn't quite up to par today. I'll post when blogspot is sober. So yah, dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory was delicious and good times were had by all. Or both of us. Though there could have been a killer in that very room..... (shameless plug for an inside joke).

On the way back from dinner I ask Billy if he would like to join me for a wonderful adventure at the local Walmart. He agrees. We hit the first Walmart and decided to see if there were more chargy thingys at another Walmart.

So we hit the OTHER Walmart. Same selection (meaning exactly ONE of the chargy thingys). As it's a necessary expenditure I suck it up and buy it. But people- this IS Walmart. You simply cannot walk into a Walmart and walk out with the one and only item that you originally planned on purchasing. So therefore I was forced to ravage through the $5 movie bin. I had no choice, I tell you! Oh, and I also was forced to buy new music to rip.....

So then I went home and listened to music after the hour of unwrapping, charging, plugging, transfering, ripping, etc. Success.

Don't worry, my lovelies. I managed to make it to the SSA office AND the DMV today so am officially back to my old self. (Pun intended.)

Thanks for listening with your eyeballs, ladies and gentlemen.

Much Love!

Guilty As Charged

I am sorry. Please forgive me. I've been busy and distracted and excited and on and on. But I am finally blogging about my news.

Effective March 27th, I will no longer be a Utahn. Yep, March 27th will be my last day in Utah. I will load up Michael's truck, throw the dogs in the back, drive my car on the car-trailer thing, and head to Montana.

For the past few years I have been feeling so stuck. I haven't felt like I've been living the life I am supposed to live. Like I've just been stuck doing something that doesn't challenge me or allow me to live up to my potential. Wake up, go to work, go home, read, go to bed. Repeat. Repeat. Etc. I do not want to live like that. I don't want to do the same thing that everyone else does- working an office 9 to 5 job until retirement and then live off social security and 401k. BORING. So...... I'm starting by moving to Montana with Michael.

I got approved at work to "work from home" in Montana. Which means I will basically be able to wake up, make coffee, and go into my office and work in my pajamas with the music as loud as I want (except for when Michael is sleeping). I will be able to make new friends and have new experiences and explore a new place and have an adventure- while also being with the man I love. Pretty sweet deal, huh?

Being with Michael is a PART of why I have decided to make such a change. Yes, I love the guy and want to be with him. However, I also know that I am going crazy with the monotony I have lived for the past few years. The monotony has been a pulsing pain inside my brain that previously had no opportunity to be released. The monotony has been dragging me down until I have felt like a robot stuck in the same circular motion. The monotony has drained a bit of my spirit and a bit of my energy. And now, the monotony will be silenced!

I know that life isn't going to be all flowers and gumdrops in Montana. There are going to be times when I feel so alone and wonder what in the world I was thinking. I'm not going into this with some idealistic view that everything is going to be perfect. It's not. I'm going to cry and worry and have good days and bad days. But I DO know that I'll at least be living in a way that I've needed to be living for years. And I'll pat myself on the back as often as I can that I am a strong enough woman to take a chance instead of settling.

I'm sure I'll have some interesting things to blog about in a little under two months. I'm sure that I'll have a lot to say and a lot to share. But until then, I'm just living in the excitement that I'm actually taking control of my life. And I thank myself for that.

Much Love!

Trendy Sexuality

I simply do not understand the trend of women these days deciding to be bisexual. It seems like everywhere I turn there's been another woman I know deciding that she suddenly and miraculously swinging both ways. Is this because woman-on-woman is more socially acceptable? Is this because these people are so desperate for attention that they'll do anything to get it? Is this because they get so fed up with men that they think being with a woman would be any different?

Granted, I have absolutely NO problem with homosexuality in either male or female. I couldn't care less. I have some great gay friends, both male and female. I just don't understand the sudden need for a lot of women to just start either dating or sleeping with women. Actually, I don't mind the dating so much. That at least shows that there is some interest in an actual relationship, which tells me that they probably aren't just doing it for show or attention or to get laid even easier. But just simply deciding that they are going to sleep with whoever comes along no matter what sex they are? I don't get it.

Trust me, I'm far from being considered a prude. I have had a past that some people would simply not believe. So I'm not angel in any department. I guess if someone really needs sex that much that they don't care where they get it, I can't judge them. But that doesn't mean that I'll understand them. There's gotta be at least SOME standards and/or limits, right? Now keep in mind that I'm not talking about people that really and truly consider themselves bisexual. I do believe that there are people that are simply born with it.

But..... it just seems like so many women are jumping on the "I'm Bisexual!" bandwagon that there's either something in the water, something in the air, or maybe they just rationalize it. A lot of men I know think girls being together is "hot". Good for them. But I feel absolutely no need to "sleep" with a woman in order to impress anyone......

I'm not insecure enough with myself and my body to need to sleep with as many people as possible to make myself feel good about myself. And I'm not necessarily saying that the "bisexual bandwagon" is either. I guess I'm just trying to figure out why so many women these days have decided that straddling the fence is a good idea. (No pun intended.) There's a big difference between knowing that you've been with a woman experimentally, but it's a whole other thing to declare yourself completely bisexual. It's like an epidemic.

Much Love!

Ear Presents

I like music. But I'm not a music lover as I find a lot of people are. By this I mean that I like listening to music, but I only LOVE certain songs. My car got broken into once and I paid the deductible to get the stereo replaced. Then it got broken into again only a few months later, and I just figured I'd forgo the stereo and just sing to myself while in the car. That was oh.... about 5 years ago. So as I spent plenty of time in the car daily I have gotten used to the silence, with only my thoughts and car sounds filling the void. Once I got used to this, it's hard to get back to the true LOVE of music I once had.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy music. But as I spend such small amounts of time actually being able to listen to music, I listen to the same things over and over again. I give my music-listening time to those songs that bring tears to my eyes, or make me want to dance, or bring back a memory, or that I can identify with. Thank God for playlists on Youtube where I can add all my favorite songs and skip through them whenever I want to. Every now and then I'll discover some new song or artist and listen repeatedly to the same song/artist over and over again. My friend Chad introduced me to a new song today that I have been listening to on repeat for the past 3 hours or so. Yep, it's going to have to end up on my playlist as it's beautiful. (Artist: Adele, Song: Chasing Pavement)

Sometimes I wonder if my lack of needing music constantly has something to do with my absolute NEED to think. I am perfectly capable of sitting outside for an hour without doing anything other than thinking. My thoughts take these crazy trips and twists and turns and then suddenly I will realize that my ass hurts as I've just been sitting and thinking for an hour. It's odd. So I think that having constant noise in the background would take away some of my thinking time. It would distract and detract from the silence required to give credit to my brain for keeping on churning. Giving my brain respective props, I suppose.

Whatever the reason is, I don't require music in my life most of the time. And it's appreciated more when I am able to actually give it a listen. Which I am doing at this moment. Enjoying and appreciating. Until I leave for the day and wait for another opportunity to give my ears a present.

Back to Adele on repeat for the last hour I am here.......

Much Love!

Insights Into Jessica For The Curious

I once wrote something called "Insights Into Jessica For The Curious". Basically, I filled out pages and pages of lesser-known facts about me and some quirks that I have. For no real reason. But anyways, I'd like to take this time to share a few of these with you.

*I sleep with my hand either down my pajama bottoms or up my shirt. There's nothing sexual about it, I just like the feel skin. So if someone were to walk into my room and look at me when I sleep, they'll find a hand hidden under clothing.

*Whenever my phone rings at work, I automatically grab something to fiddle with. I am incapable of answering the phone without a paperclip or soy sauce packet or slinky or bendy elephant toy in my grasp. (Yes, all of the above are easily accessible for my fiddling pleasure.)

* I eat healthy on accident. We never got to eat red meat while growing up, so hamburgers have never had the appeal to me that they seem to have to everyone else. I don't like chocolate, candy, cakes, cookies, brownies, etc. My absolute favorite thing to eat is a fresh chef salad. Not because it's better for me, but because it's delicious. Speaking of which.... Now I want a chef salad.

*I talk to myself. A lot. And I talk to my dog as if she's a human. I just use a higher voice that's used for babies and dogs. I'll catch myself saying my thoughts out loud when I'm driving down the street alone instead of just thinking the thoughts. It can get a little embarassing when someone catches me at it, though.

*I cannot let myself watch a TV show like 24 or Lost or things like that. Not because I wouldn't like them, but because I absolutely refuse to make myself a slave to the television. If you get started on those shows, you can't miss a week or you are all screwed up. Which means you are sitting in front of the TV the same time every single week. I like to keep my options open.

*I am addicted to "To Catch A Predator" clips on Youtube. I can't get enough of watching grown men humiliate themselves in perverted ways. And I have an odd crush on Chris Hansen.

*Even while sleeping alone in a big bed, I still have a "side of the bed". I hate sleeping in the middle of the bed. I'm not sure why this is, but there you have it. And I sleep on my side. And I toss and turn. But I don't snore.

*I'm not very girlie. I like football, hate shopping, bite my nails, prefer beer over cocktails, love blood and guts movies, hate dressing up,..... the list goes on and on.

*I dream in color all the time. My dreams make absolutely no sense at all. And I have recurring nightmares of family members and friends and Sunni dying.

*I don't LOL very much. Something has to be really funny for me to actually laugh out loud. Which is why I don't text "LOL" to people. I instead use "Haha". That's lets them know that I think their text was amusing and humorous, yet not enough to really make me "LOL". Unless I'm really "LOL"ing.

Okay, that's enough for today. I need to get to work. So there are some wierd (or not so wierd) things about me. Neat. Have a great weekend, my loves.

Much Love!

Are You Kidding Me?!?!

I was browsing through CNN to get updates on the latest news of the world, when something caught my eye. It said this:

Ticker: Porn industry requests bailout

What???

Here is the actual article curteousy of CNN:

"WASHINGTON (CNN) — Another major American industry is asking for assistance as the global financial crisis continues: Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis said Wednesday they will request that Congress allocate $5 billion for a bailout of the adult entertainment industry.

“The take here is that everyone and their mother want to be bailed out from the banks to the big three,” said Owen Moogan, spokesman for Larry Flynt. “The porn industry has been hurt by the downturn like everyone else and they are going to ask for the $5 billion. Is it the most serious thing in the world? Is it going to make the lives of Americans better if it happens? It is not for them to determine.”

Francis said in a statement that “the US government should actively support the adult industry's survival and growth, just as it feels the need to support any other industry cherished by the American people."

Flynt and Francis concede the industry itself is in no financial danger — DVD sales have slipped over the past year, but Web traffic has continued to grow.

But the industry leaders said the issue is a nation in need. "People are too depressed to be sexually active," Flynt said in the statement. "This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex."

"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind. It's time for congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly."

So far, there has been no congressional reaction to the request."

So there you have it.

While looking at the original bailout plan, my friend pointed out to me that Rum is included in that as some special provision that is already getting tons of money as a result of the bailout. So I'm thinking that the tobacco companies should throw their names in the mix. That way, if it all passes, we will have a bailout for liquor, porn, and smokes. The good life. What do you think?

Yah, so I can't believe how ridiculously insane this whole thing is getting. Seems like every day, some other industry decides that they want free money as well. What ever happened to integrity? What ever happened to EARNING your money? I'm just at a loss here. Seriously.

The PORN industry? Are you kidding me?!?!?!

Much Love!

Optimism 101

I'm the type that hates feeling low and down. Granted, not a LOT of people enjoy that feeling, but some live in it. So when I feel in the dumps like I have been lately, I put all my energy into forcing myself out of it. And so far, I have mostly succeeded. The power of the mind is an amazing thing- and stronger than we give our minds credit for.



In my last post I talked about how I need to get out and be social instead of isolating myself. That's what everyone says to do. But I realize that when I isolate myself, I can work through things a lot quicker than if I'm putting on a fake happy face for others. Spending time alone helps me focus on what's important.



So here I am today, feeling quite a bit better about things. And the number one reason that I am choosing to not be defeated is this: My life is my own. I make my own choices. I can choose to wallow in depression and self-pity, or I can choose to give myself more credit and smile a heart-felt smile.



As much as I have felt stuck and trapped in routines and ruts, I only have myself to blame. My friend Troy has been known to say something along the lines of "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results", or something like that. And I fully believe that this is true. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to do anything extreme and pack up and move to Africa or anything (where did that come from???). I'm just saying that it's my choice to stay stuck in the rut, consider it a rut in the first place, or take action. Even if that action is stepping outside myself for a moment and taking stock.



Whatever I do or don't do with my life, it's MINE. And I have no desire to live it in darkness.




Now that that's over, just one quick little thing I would like to discuss:



There are two women's bathrooms in my office since we have very few men. They turned the men's room into a second women's room and made a closet the men's room. (Yah, wierd.) My bathroom of choice is the less busy one for obvious reasons. Yesterday I walked in right at the same time as a coworker. At that point, it's just rude to walk out and go into the other bathroom. So this coworker proceeds to talk to me while we enter our respective stalls, and continues talking to me while draining our bladders. Then, she let a little something slip. Yep, she farted right smack dab in the middle of our one-sided conversation (as I don't conversate while using the facilities). She said "Oops, sorry" and then went right back to talking. I'm not embarassed of bodily functions, I don't get sickened by normal things that our crazy bodies do, I usually end up in some really inappropriate conversations with friends. But THAT? Um...... awkward.



Much Love!

How I Feel

I'm lost. This is all going to hard to put into words, but I'm going to my best.

My Christmas was great other than the overwhelming feeling of dread for Michael's move to Montana. So though I enjoyed my time with my family, I could feel the time passing too quickly, heading towards something similar to an emotional train wreck. The countdown had started.

Michael and I spent some good quality time together between Christmas and when he left on Sunday. Some "snuggle time". And then we packed him all up, loaded up the U-haul, and off he went.

I'm emotionally slaughtered right now. I know that it will fade in time and the pain won't be as strong. But for now.....

It's Friday and I have the weekend ahead of me. And instead of being happy for another two days off work, I am dreading it. I know that I need to be social and spend time with my friends. I know that I need to NOT shut myself off from the world and be a part of it. But the "loss" of Michael has impacted me more than I thought it would. I feel empty. Like there's nothing to look forward to and nothing to be gained. I am heartbroken and all routines that I had before seem inconsequential. Like nothing is worth anything.

I know that this is all what I call "situational depression". Meaning that I'm not truly depressed inside, but that I'm feeling completely depressed due to this situation that I am in. And I know that I will someday break out of it.

It's just that for now, all I want to do is lay in bed in the pajamas I have worn since Sunday and watch cheesy chick flicks and cry. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to deal with anything. I am grieving and mourning. This is my bereavement period.

The whole saying of "you don't know what you have until it's gone" is really sucker-punching me in the face right now........ And it hurts.

But..... I AM making an effort. I have plans to go to a fashion show tomorrow that my sister is in. And then hopefully grab some dinner with the family. So as much as I want to shut myself in and never leave, I am forcing myself. And heck- at least I made it into work today. That's good, right?

I need to talk myself up and out of the hole. I need to go against my nature (of hibernating) and visit with friends and family and remind myself that there IS something out there to care about. That having a life is pointless if you don't actually LIVE.

So please be patient with me and my blogging as I am lonely and empty and sad.

Much Love!