Too Much Like A Diary

So lately I haven't written anything that I have wanted to. I've either had the thoughts in my head and not taken the time to type them here, or I type up random blog updates since I can't sleep or some other random meaningless blather.

So here I am with an actual post that's more than me just vomiting up words late at night.

Life amazes me. I'm always intrigued by its twists and turns. I'm equally intrigued at how I react to this rollar-coaster.

I am losing my job. My company decided to close down their medical division. I just so happen to work in the medical division. It was a bad bad day when they broke the news. And they had to wait to tell us until they made it public since it's a publicly traded company. That part hurt a little. It felt a little bit like finding out your significant other is cheating on you- but finding it out after all your friends (and complete strangers) already knew. I've spent the last 10 years of my life working for this company. 10 years of co-workers being a family. 10 years of work camping trips. 10 years of building relationships and creating memories. I can't help but think of how much I've changed from the Jessica that started my job as a naive and carefree 21-year-old. All the new loves and heartbreaks I've had, all the learning and personal growth that's taken place. When it all boils down to it, it feels like the end of an era. Which I suppose in a way, it is.

People are being "released" at different times. I'm fortunate to have an estimated "release date" in the second quarter of 2012. Though I really don't see it lasting even that long. It's just going to be so extremely hard to see people leaving before me. People losing their jobs while I sit around with my survivor's guilt. I suppose it can't be "survivor's guilt" if I'm ending up with the same fate, just a few months later, huh?

In all reality, I'm doing okay with the news. Mostly because it seems so far off. But everyday brings me closer to unemployment. Every moment brings me closer to that end of an era. I know that I'll be fine. I'm young and intelligent and willing to do what needs to be done. As much as the job market sucks, I'll find something. It may not be a long-term thing, but I'll find something to pay the bills until the real deal opportunity rears its head. Don't worry about me, ladies and gentlemen. It's just more of an emotional thing than it is a financial thing. And I'm tough.

Anways, a friend of mine shared a quote the other day that I love. It says "Being happy is a form of courage". And I thought long and hard about that. I tried to make sense of it in regards to my own life. I ended up with the conclusion that being happy in life is a risk. Disappointments, broken promises, broken hearts, deaths, chaos, etc- those things can break down happiness and take away your firmly knitted security blanket. So it's tough to allow yourself to be happy with the knowledge that it can be ripped away from you. I totally identify with that statement. And I choose to be courageous.

I took up painting. I'm not good at it, but it does make me feel good. And that's the important thing when it comes to having a new hobby, I think. Any artistic talent I have tends to migrate more towards the written word. Poetry, song lyrics. So my paiting isn't anything to brag about. But brag about it I do, because it's amazing! I highly suggest to anyone that feels like taking up a new hobby or finding an outlet for emotions they haven't been able to express- paint. Or cook. That's equally amazing. Unless you burn everything. In that case, just stick to painting.

Christmas is coming. And coming quickly. I really need to crack down on figuring out what to do this year. Last year was no bueno. With moving back here from Montana and the break-up with Michael, I was stuck in my selfish little pity world and didn't put any thought into anyone else. No way in the world am I not doing anything I can to make those I love feel special this year.

Speaking of this year....... 2010 has been a crazy crazy year. I flew a plane, went skydiving, made amazing new friends, had an emotional breakdown, rediscovered what family is, saw my sister return from her mission, got cable, found out I'm losing my job, spent a LOT of money that I didn't need to, raised my credit 30 points on purpose, and got completely out of debt. That's not even counting the fact that me and the familia are heading to Disneyland for Thanksgiving, and anything else that happens in the next 2 months. I can honestly say that 2010 has taught me a lot about the importance of self, of family, of friendship, of socializing, of inner strength, and of love. I have grown in the past year more than I would have thought I'm capable of. And I'm looking foward to growing even more in the upcoming years. But not physically. I'll never grow taller than 5 feet. I guess I'll settle for emotional and spiritual growth.

The title of this post (Too Much Like A Diary) has a meaning. When I was growing up, I had a diary. Every Sunday when we were younger we would write in it. We'd have "journal time" as a family and we'd all sit around in the front room spending time writing in our journals. In time, I lost the desire to keep up with my journal. I'd only write in it when I felt down or depressed. So in going back and reading those words, it appears that I was a miserable and unhappy girl/teenager. Which is untrue. Yet I'm feeling the same thing when reading recent posts. I've been posting when I'm tired and can't sleep, or when I'm feeling down, or when I just need an outlet but can't form the actual words so end up vomiting random sentences. I hate that. I'm actually quite a content person who has been sleeping amazingly lately. Part of it is that there are still worries about certain people reading my words that I'd prefer not to. But this is the world of the internet, and my blog is a part of that. I can't share with only a select few without making it "private" and locking out other people that may read my words- people that I'm not aware of. So it is what it is. Here is a post that simply and purely because I wanted to post. There you have it.

I'm going to sign off now and start on Season 7 of Monk while cuddling with my pooch.

Much Love!

Time Again

Yah, it's AGAIN been a while since I've blogged. I just feel like I'm a little useless these days. Not that I'm not worth anything, but that I just haven't felt like sharing my thoughts or feelings with the world. I found my little shelter and haven't wanted to get away from that because it makes me feel vulnerable. But maybe I need to embrace the internet vulnerability since I can't seem to allow myself to depend on anyone in the real life world.

I sometimes like to stick my little ear buds in my ears and listen to music. Sometimes I'll dance, sometimes I'll stand in one position and stare at the sky, sometimes I'll close my eyes and cry. Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I feel stronger than anyone that's ever existed. Sometimes I feel happy. Sometimes I feel sad. Sometimes I feel unstable. Sometimes I feel anxious. Sometimes I feel pressure. Sometime I feel hope. Sometimes I feel hope dying. Sometimes I feel hopeful. Right now?

I feel helpless.

Helpless to save my brother from himself. Helpless to find another job. Helpless to connect. Helpless to heal. Helpless to soothe. Helpless to verbalize. Helpless to plan. Helpless.

My friend says that I'm not emotionally stunted. I try to agree with her, but can't. Stunted I am.

And some blah and blah and blah.

Much Love!