So lately I haven't written anything that I have wanted to. I've either had the thoughts in my head and not taken the time to type them here, or I type up random blog updates since I can't sleep or some other random meaningless blather.
So here I am with an actual post that's more than me just vomiting up words late at night.
Life amazes me. I'm always intrigued by its twists and turns. I'm equally intrigued at how I react to this rollar-coaster.
I am losing my job. My company decided to close down their medical division. I just so happen to work in the medical division. It was a bad bad day when they broke the news. And they had to wait to tell us until they made it public since it's a publicly traded company. That part hurt a little. It felt a little bit like finding out your significant other is cheating on you- but finding it out after all your friends (and complete strangers) already knew. I've spent the last 10 years of my life working for this company. 10 years of co-workers being a family. 10 years of work camping trips. 10 years of building relationships and creating memories. I can't help but think of how much I've changed from the Jessica that started my job as a naive and carefree 21-year-old. All the new loves and heartbreaks I've had, all the learning and personal growth that's taken place. When it all boils down to it, it feels like the end of an era. Which I suppose in a way, it is.
People are being "released" at different times. I'm fortunate to have an estimated "release date" in the second quarter of 2012. Though I really don't see it lasting even that long. It's just going to be so extremely hard to see people leaving before me. People losing their jobs while I sit around with my survivor's guilt. I suppose it can't be "survivor's guilt" if I'm ending up with the same fate, just a few months later, huh?
In all reality, I'm doing okay with the news. Mostly because it seems so far off. But everyday brings me closer to unemployment. Every moment brings me closer to that end of an era. I know that I'll be fine. I'm young and intelligent and willing to do what needs to be done. As much as the job market sucks, I'll find something. It may not be a long-term thing, but I'll find something to pay the bills until the real deal opportunity rears its head. Don't worry about me, ladies and gentlemen. It's just more of an emotional thing than it is a financial thing. And I'm tough.
Anways, a friend of mine shared a quote the other day that I love. It says "Being happy is a form of courage". And I thought long and hard about that. I tried to make sense of it in regards to my own life. I ended up with the conclusion that being happy in life is a risk. Disappointments, broken promises, broken hearts, deaths, chaos, etc- those things can break down happiness and take away your firmly knitted security blanket. So it's tough to allow yourself to be happy with the knowledge that it can be ripped away from you. I totally identify with that statement. And I choose to be courageous.
I took up painting. I'm not good at it, but it does make me feel good. And that's the important thing when it comes to having a new hobby, I think. Any artistic talent I have tends to migrate more towards the written word. Poetry, song lyrics. So my paiting isn't anything to brag about. But brag about it I do, because it's amazing! I highly suggest to anyone that feels like taking up a new hobby or finding an outlet for emotions they haven't been able to express- paint. Or cook. That's equally amazing. Unless you burn everything. In that case, just stick to painting.
Christmas is coming. And coming quickly. I really need to crack down on figuring out what to do this year. Last year was no bueno. With moving back here from Montana and the break-up with Michael, I was stuck in my selfish little pity world and didn't put any thought into anyone else. No way in the world am I not doing anything I can to make those I love feel special this year.
Speaking of this year....... 2010 has been a crazy crazy year. I flew a plane, went skydiving, made amazing new friends, had an emotional breakdown, rediscovered what family is, saw my sister return from her mission, got cable, found out I'm losing my job, spent a LOT of money that I didn't need to, raised my credit 30 points on purpose, and got completely out of debt. That's not even counting the fact that me and the familia are heading to Disneyland for Thanksgiving, and anything else that happens in the next 2 months. I can honestly say that 2010 has taught me a lot about the importance of self, of family, of friendship, of socializing, of inner strength, and of love. I have grown in the past year more than I would have thought I'm capable of. And I'm looking foward to growing even more in the upcoming years. But not physically. I'll never grow taller than 5 feet. I guess I'll settle for emotional and spiritual growth.
The title of this post (Too Much Like A Diary) has a meaning. When I was growing up, I had a diary. Every Sunday when we were younger we would write in it. We'd have "journal time" as a family and we'd all sit around in the front room spending time writing in our journals. In time, I lost the desire to keep up with my journal. I'd only write in it when I felt down or depressed. So in going back and reading those words, it appears that I was a miserable and unhappy girl/teenager. Which is untrue. Yet I'm feeling the same thing when reading recent posts. I've been posting when I'm tired and can't sleep, or when I'm feeling down, or when I just need an outlet but can't form the actual words so end up vomiting random sentences. I hate that. I'm actually quite a content person who has been sleeping amazingly lately. Part of it is that there are still worries about certain people reading my words that I'd prefer not to. But this is the world of the internet, and my blog is a part of that. I can't share with only a select few without making it "private" and locking out other people that may read my words- people that I'm not aware of. So it is what it is. Here is a post that simply and purely because I wanted to post. There you have it.
I'm going to sign off now and start on Season 7 of Monk while cuddling with my pooch.
Much Love!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Time Again
Yah, it's AGAIN been a while since I've blogged. I just feel like I'm a little useless these days. Not that I'm not worth anything, but that I just haven't felt like sharing my thoughts or feelings with the world. I found my little shelter and haven't wanted to get away from that because it makes me feel vulnerable. But maybe I need to embrace the internet vulnerability since I can't seem to allow myself to depend on anyone in the real life world.
I sometimes like to stick my little ear buds in my ears and listen to music. Sometimes I'll dance, sometimes I'll stand in one position and stare at the sky, sometimes I'll close my eyes and cry. Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I feel stronger than anyone that's ever existed. Sometimes I feel happy. Sometimes I feel sad. Sometimes I feel unstable. Sometimes I feel anxious. Sometimes I feel pressure. Sometime I feel hope. Sometimes I feel hope dying. Sometimes I feel hopeful. Right now?
I feel helpless.
Helpless to save my brother from himself. Helpless to find another job. Helpless to connect. Helpless to heal. Helpless to soothe. Helpless to verbalize. Helpless to plan. Helpless.
My friend says that I'm not emotionally stunted. I try to agree with her, but can't. Stunted I am.
And some blah and blah and blah.
Much Love!
I sometimes like to stick my little ear buds in my ears and listen to music. Sometimes I'll dance, sometimes I'll stand in one position and stare at the sky, sometimes I'll close my eyes and cry. Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I feel stronger than anyone that's ever existed. Sometimes I feel happy. Sometimes I feel sad. Sometimes I feel unstable. Sometimes I feel anxious. Sometimes I feel pressure. Sometime I feel hope. Sometimes I feel hope dying. Sometimes I feel hopeful. Right now?
I feel helpless.
Helpless to save my brother from himself. Helpless to find another job. Helpless to connect. Helpless to heal. Helpless to soothe. Helpless to verbalize. Helpless to plan. Helpless.
My friend says that I'm not emotionally stunted. I try to agree with her, but can't. Stunted I am.
And some blah and blah and blah.
Much Love!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Times Are Changing
Yep, things change. But I haven't changed much. At least not lately. I'm in a Funk. It is capitalized because it means something. This Funk of mine.
I explained to my Mom D the other day that I'm almost always content, with occasional times of happiness. That's more than one could ask for, I know. In my true mind, I know this.
I am a spoiled little girl when it comes to the world. People die every day from starvation, from wars, from AIDS, from everything that exists in this world that could be horrible. I also know this.
Yet I am still remain in a Funk. I know this.
A good friend of mine got married in July, another good friend is getting married in October. And another good friend of mine just had a baby with his girlfriend. And I sit outside on my step smoking and sometimes drinking and reading and looking over the yard (where I have to clean up my dog's shit in the morning) and realize that I sit on that step night after night after night after night after night.
I suppose that I STILL expect more out of myself than I am capable of. Which makes me feel sometimes empty. Where is my knight in shining armor? Where is my baby daddy? Where is any semblance of normalcy? I just feel lost at times. I know, it's typical. We all feel lost at times.
I just need to remind myself that I AM content most of the time, and happy at times. Rationally and logically I know this. Even my emotional essence knows this most of the time. Yet every now and then, I crave someone laying in bed next to me. Someone making me coffee. Someone to cuddle up with. BUT.............
I am the strong single woman, and need to cling on to that. Damnit, self! Get those romantic notions out of your head! Get those ideals of a happy relationship thrown into the gutter. Get the hopes of a little more in life run over.
I am finally admitting to it. But don't tell anyone. It's our little secret. Just you and me. Here it goes, my pathetic confession:
I'm only comfortable being single because I don't see any other way. I don't like to put my happiness on the fact that I will find my romantic partner. It's not realistic. But I AM a little bit in love with the idea of being in love. I am a little bit in love with the thought of creating life. I am a little bit in love with the Happy Ever After.
BUT.... I need to be realistic. The chances of me ending up alone are greater than the chances of me ending up with someone. Trust me. There is a love in my life right now. But I have absolutely NO trust that that love will remain. I like to pretend. Make-believe is fun! I feel comforted by the temporary love. Because though it won't remain, it's at least real.
Okay. I'm done. NOT my normal higher quality of posts, but I needed to write something and there were some thoughts brewing in my brain. Forgive me for being ME.
Much Love!
I lied. I wasn't done. I just threw on my headphones and danced all around my house. And that Funk went away for now. I forget that music renews my vows to myself.....
Much Love (once again)!
I explained to my Mom D the other day that I'm almost always content, with occasional times of happiness. That's more than one could ask for, I know. In my true mind, I know this.
I am a spoiled little girl when it comes to the world. People die every day from starvation, from wars, from AIDS, from everything that exists in this world that could be horrible. I also know this.
Yet I am still remain in a Funk. I know this.
A good friend of mine got married in July, another good friend is getting married in October. And another good friend of mine just had a baby with his girlfriend. And I sit outside on my step smoking and sometimes drinking and reading and looking over the yard (where I have to clean up my dog's shit in the morning) and realize that I sit on that step night after night after night after night after night.
I suppose that I STILL expect more out of myself than I am capable of. Which makes me feel sometimes empty. Where is my knight in shining armor? Where is my baby daddy? Where is any semblance of normalcy? I just feel lost at times. I know, it's typical. We all feel lost at times.
I just need to remind myself that I AM content most of the time, and happy at times. Rationally and logically I know this. Even my emotional essence knows this most of the time. Yet every now and then, I crave someone laying in bed next to me. Someone making me coffee. Someone to cuddle up with. BUT.............
I am the strong single woman, and need to cling on to that. Damnit, self! Get those romantic notions out of your head! Get those ideals of a happy relationship thrown into the gutter. Get the hopes of a little more in life run over.
I am finally admitting to it. But don't tell anyone. It's our little secret. Just you and me. Here it goes, my pathetic confession:
I'm only comfortable being single because I don't see any other way. I don't like to put my happiness on the fact that I will find my romantic partner. It's not realistic. But I AM a little bit in love with the idea of being in love. I am a little bit in love with the thought of creating life. I am a little bit in love with the Happy Ever After.
BUT.... I need to be realistic. The chances of me ending up alone are greater than the chances of me ending up with someone. Trust me. There is a love in my life right now. But I have absolutely NO trust that that love will remain. I like to pretend. Make-believe is fun! I feel comforted by the temporary love. Because though it won't remain, it's at least real.
Okay. I'm done. NOT my normal higher quality of posts, but I needed to write something and there were some thoughts brewing in my brain. Forgive me for being ME.
Much Love!
I lied. I wasn't done. I just threw on my headphones and danced all around my house. And that Funk went away for now. I forget that music renews my vows to myself.....
Much Love (once again)!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Dreams
I have figured something out about my life, and it may or may not apply to others. As I'm trying to write my blog for me and only me, it's no concern of mine whether it's true to others or not. But since this is MY space and it's the only thing that's completely all about me, I'm throwing it out there.
I have come to realize that I like dreams. And I don't mean the stories that populate the brain while sleeping. I mean dreams as in desires or fantasies.
In the book "The Alchemist", there is a part that I loved so much that I wrote it down in my Thought Book- where I write down the sentences or paragraphs that strike my fancy from books that I've read or things that I've heard or even thoughts that I've had myself that I realized were great. In this book, basically, this boy is on a journey and has a conversation with an older man. The boy asks the man why he's never been to "Mecca" as the man has always dreamed of going there. The man explains to the boy that he does not want to actually go to Mecca because he likes to dream about it. That the reality would ruin the dream. That actually being there and seeing it would make the dream itself worthless.
I love that.
There are those things that I dream about but would never actually want to happen since it would make the fantasy a reality. And I don't care how many people want to believe that realizing your dreams is the only happiness in the world, it's not mine.
I personally believe that we all need something to hope for while fully knowing it will never happen. Or for the more intelligent people, knowing that if it does happen then there's no possible way it could measure up to what we set ourselves up for.
Some of these "dreams" that I have could be complete realities if I chose to make them so. Most of them would involve an extraordinary amount of time to see realized. And the thought of spending so much time just to have a wonderful ideal crushed is absolutely not worth it to me.
Like the older man in "The Alchemist", I like having my dreams remain pure and untainted. Which makes them unattainable. Yet I feel absolutely no sadness in that. I feel that by holding on to those dreams and keeping them pure, I am paying them more respect than I would if I actually obtained them and no longer had that sparking light to fantasize about.
Nobody can take away your dreams but yourself.
Much Love!
I have come to realize that I like dreams. And I don't mean the stories that populate the brain while sleeping. I mean dreams as in desires or fantasies.
In the book "The Alchemist", there is a part that I loved so much that I wrote it down in my Thought Book- where I write down the sentences or paragraphs that strike my fancy from books that I've read or things that I've heard or even thoughts that I've had myself that I realized were great. In this book, basically, this boy is on a journey and has a conversation with an older man. The boy asks the man why he's never been to "Mecca" as the man has always dreamed of going there. The man explains to the boy that he does not want to actually go to Mecca because he likes to dream about it. That the reality would ruin the dream. That actually being there and seeing it would make the dream itself worthless.
I love that.
There are those things that I dream about but would never actually want to happen since it would make the fantasy a reality. And I don't care how many people want to believe that realizing your dreams is the only happiness in the world, it's not mine.
I personally believe that we all need something to hope for while fully knowing it will never happen. Or for the more intelligent people, knowing that if it does happen then there's no possible way it could measure up to what we set ourselves up for.
Some of these "dreams" that I have could be complete realities if I chose to make them so. Most of them would involve an extraordinary amount of time to see realized. And the thought of spending so much time just to have a wonderful ideal crushed is absolutely not worth it to me.
Like the older man in "The Alchemist", I like having my dreams remain pure and untainted. Which makes them unattainable. Yet I feel absolutely no sadness in that. I feel that by holding on to those dreams and keeping them pure, I am paying them more respect than I would if I actually obtained them and no longer had that sparking light to fantasize about.
Nobody can take away your dreams but yourself.
Much Love!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Change In Direction
So I'm sitting here in my little work-chair with wheels on it (which is usually at my work computer, not this old POS laptop I'm typing on now that sits on my filing cabinet) and realize that my floor is slanted. Every time I try to type I slide a little further back. Go Go Gadget Arms! Nope. Doesn't work. If only our fantasies were our realities.
Anyway...... I haven't blogged in far too long. I haven't written poetry or song lyrics or anything the slightest bit interesting in far too long. Did I lose my writing ability? Did I forget how to express myself? No.
I have realized that the things that have been on my mind lately are either silly little things that possibly only I find funny, or deep serious thoughts that I haven't felt like explaining/conveying. My mind is still there, my ability is still there, the words are still there. The only thing lacking is my motivation.
So I have decided that I don't care what I write. I used to have some crazy expectation of what my words would mean or how they would come across. I'm done with that. The title of my blog is "Not So Personal Diary". So I am going to start writing again. Writing with no expectation of myself. Nobody has to read it or care. I'm going to just write (type) and write (type). Anything I damn well feel like writing. Anything that pops into my head. Forget structure. Forget anything to do with normality. I'm tired of making sense. I'm done trying to write a blog post that means something.
From now on, my blog is nothing. Meanderings of this and that, opinions on the world, etc.
So........... thought this has already been long enough, I don't care. This is MY space. And I feel like saying something. Hate me for it all you want, I don't care. (Plus, I can just delete your angry and/or ignorant comment... Haha!)
I want to express my complete craving to punch kids in the face. Yes. You read that correctly. I don't have children. I don't like children. The only kids I like are the ones that are actually related to me. Other than that, shut them up. The whining, the crying, the pouting. Seriously? Yes, I know that it happens and you can't control them. I don't have any anger or hatred towards the Momma of said horrible children. I just hate kids. Keep them away from me. Unless they are funny and scream "She farted!!!" and then laugh. At Smith's. That's just comedy. Those are kids I like.
I got Cable TV. But I really wish I could just pick and choose the channels that I actually watch and pay only for them. Here's my reality that I'd actually pay for: The normal local channels (2, 4, 5, 11, 13), the History Channel, the Food Network, trueTV, Oxygen, MTV, Hallmark (yes, I need the occasional cheesy movie), Travel channel, the Soap channel (again, I do have a vagina and need some girl stuff every now and then), MTV2 (I LOVE Jackass.......), the Syfy channel, the Gameshow network, and................ that's it. Though I would need to keep the whole "On Demand" thing because I love me some stupid horror movies. But read on-
I went on the whole Cable TV issue because I am 31 years old and have Cable TV for the first time in my entire life. My childhood was a little interesting, to say the least. I learned how to adapt and change and be "acceptable" from a young age. I could complain and bitch and cry and be angry about it all now that I'm older and see everything in its sad reality. But I won't and I don't. I don't remember a time when I didn't feel loved. And isn't that what it's about? Yes, it was hard. Yes, it was messed up. Yes, it hurt. But.... I am capable of deciding what my past makes me. Do I decide to be pathetic and turn inward like every single person is just out to get me and attack me because I'm not good enough? Or do I decide to be simply ME. I (obviously) choose to be me. I am a little screwed up, a little distrustful, a little cynical, a little possessive, a little jealous, a little angry, a little upset. But I am also a lot centered, a lot loyal, a lot caring, a lot
strong, a lot capable of anything, a lot together, a lot confident.
Balance. I honestly believe that you can't be centered and balanced if you don't have doubt to match your faith. If you don't have a little self-doubt to match your complete self-confidence. If you don't have a bit of worry with your acceptance. Living is not living without risks.
Wow. I haven't written for a long time because I felt like I was writing for an audience that expected these amazing stories or poetic interludes or funny antics.
I'm writing for myself now. And it feels great.
Much Love!
Anyway...... I haven't blogged in far too long. I haven't written poetry or song lyrics or anything the slightest bit interesting in far too long. Did I lose my writing ability? Did I forget how to express myself? No.
I have realized that the things that have been on my mind lately are either silly little things that possibly only I find funny, or deep serious thoughts that I haven't felt like explaining/conveying. My mind is still there, my ability is still there, the words are still there. The only thing lacking is my motivation.
So I have decided that I don't care what I write. I used to have some crazy expectation of what my words would mean or how they would come across. I'm done with that. The title of my blog is "Not So Personal Diary". So I am going to start writing again. Writing with no expectation of myself. Nobody has to read it or care. I'm going to just write (type) and write (type). Anything I damn well feel like writing. Anything that pops into my head. Forget structure. Forget anything to do with normality. I'm tired of making sense. I'm done trying to write a blog post that means something.
From now on, my blog is nothing. Meanderings of this and that, opinions on the world, etc.
So........... thought this has already been long enough, I don't care. This is MY space. And I feel like saying something. Hate me for it all you want, I don't care. (Plus, I can just delete your angry and/or ignorant comment... Haha!)
I want to express my complete craving to punch kids in the face. Yes. You read that correctly. I don't have children. I don't like children. The only kids I like are the ones that are actually related to me. Other than that, shut them up. The whining, the crying, the pouting. Seriously? Yes, I know that it happens and you can't control them. I don't have any anger or hatred towards the Momma of said horrible children. I just hate kids. Keep them away from me. Unless they are funny and scream "She farted!!!" and then laugh. At Smith's. That's just comedy. Those are kids I like.
I got Cable TV. But I really wish I could just pick and choose the channels that I actually watch and pay only for them. Here's my reality that I'd actually pay for: The normal local channels (2, 4, 5, 11, 13), the History Channel, the Food Network, trueTV, Oxygen, MTV, Hallmark (yes, I need the occasional cheesy movie), Travel channel, the Soap channel (again, I do have a vagina and need some girl stuff every now and then), MTV2 (I LOVE Jackass.......), the Syfy channel, the Gameshow network, and................ that's it. Though I would need to keep the whole "On Demand" thing because I love me some stupid horror movies. But read on-
I went on the whole Cable TV issue because I am 31 years old and have Cable TV for the first time in my entire life. My childhood was a little interesting, to say the least. I learned how to adapt and change and be "acceptable" from a young age. I could complain and bitch and cry and be angry about it all now that I'm older and see everything in its sad reality. But I won't and I don't. I don't remember a time when I didn't feel loved. And isn't that what it's about? Yes, it was hard. Yes, it was messed up. Yes, it hurt. But.... I am capable of deciding what my past makes me. Do I decide to be pathetic and turn inward like every single person is just out to get me and attack me because I'm not good enough? Or do I decide to be simply ME. I (obviously) choose to be me. I am a little screwed up, a little distrustful, a little cynical, a little possessive, a little jealous, a little angry, a little upset. But I am also a lot centered, a lot loyal, a lot caring, a lot
strong, a lot capable of anything, a lot together, a lot confident.
Balance. I honestly believe that you can't be centered and balanced if you don't have doubt to match your faith. If you don't have a little self-doubt to match your complete self-confidence. If you don't have a bit of worry with your acceptance. Living is not living without risks.
Wow. I haven't written for a long time because I felt like I was writing for an audience that expected these amazing stories or poetic interludes or funny antics.
I'm writing for myself now. And it feels great.
Much Love!
Friday, March 12, 2010
Old Fashioned Romance vs Independence
My amazing sister Rachel and I have a weekly dinner date. It's a fabulous way for us to get together every week and spend time with each other. So two days ago over homemade French Dip sandwiches and steamed vegetables, we were discussing dating. (As is know to happen when you get two single females together who are both playing the dating game.)
Rachel recently had gone on a first date with a guy who insisted on holding the door, opening and shutting her car door, etc. The typical old-fashioned romantic things that were actually once upon a time an expectation in the process of "wooing" a woman. The "gentleman" thing to do. This particular guy would rush to get the door as Rachel is accustomed to getting her own doors. And then he said "Thank you for letting me be a gentleman".
It got me thinking.
As small of a thing as it is, it gives me extreme opposite feelings in both ways. Half of me loves the idea of the gentleman, of being treated like a lady of respect and attention. The other half of me hates it, as I don't need a man doing anything for me.
Did feminism pop the romantic bubble? Does a single woman's need to be strong and be on her own always trump the desire to be romanced and treated as men with good upbringings have been told to treat her?
I like romance. I like flowers, I like sweetness and kindness, I like random expressions of feeling, I'd like chocolates if I liked chocolate. Yet I feel uncomfortable sitting in a car while a man walks around to open the car door for me. It makes me feel as though I'm agreeing to the fact that I'm unable to do anything (like get out of the car) without a man giving me permission, and the man doing the extremely hard physical labor of opening a car door since little old me can't handle it. And then I realize that I'm being silly. However, knowing that I'm being silly doesn't necessarily make the feeling go away, does it?
So how is a poor man supposed to act this day and age? I honestly feel badly for single men. Us woman are complex creatures with thoughts and feelings that are so mixed up that it's no wonder men feel like we are alien beings.
A lot of women my age were taught by our parents and society itself that we are to grow up, marry, buy a house, have babies, raise them right, and then enjoy being a grandmother. When I was younger that's honestly what I expected for myself. Now here I am. Almost 31 years old, one divorce under my belt, my only "child" being of the canine sort, renting an apartment in the Avenues surrounded by college students, and making a living of my own. I like my life. I like where I am in life. I like my stability. I like my ability to care for myself without having to depend on anyone else.
And that's where it gets confusing.
The line between independence and dependency is blurred. Yet we seem to be able to pick and choose which parts of the whole male/female thing are blurry. Flowers = okay. Car door = not okay. What????
That makes no sense. It all boils down to one simple fact: only the woman knows if she needs doors opened for her. And if she doesn't need doors opened for her, she should be comfortable with that and appreciate the gesture when a man makes attempts at being a gentleman. If she's truly comfortable with her independence then it shouldn't matter one way or another. And another thing that us independent women need to realize is that no man really thinks to himself "I need to get the car door for her because she can't do it herself". He is simply trying to be respectful. Simple.
Personally, this independent woman has figured out that I would really love some old-fashioned romance.
Much Love!
Rachel recently had gone on a first date with a guy who insisted on holding the door, opening and shutting her car door, etc. The typical old-fashioned romantic things that were actually once upon a time an expectation in the process of "wooing" a woman. The "gentleman" thing to do. This particular guy would rush to get the door as Rachel is accustomed to getting her own doors. And then he said "Thank you for letting me be a gentleman".
It got me thinking.
As small of a thing as it is, it gives me extreme opposite feelings in both ways. Half of me loves the idea of the gentleman, of being treated like a lady of respect and attention. The other half of me hates it, as I don't need a man doing anything for me.
Did feminism pop the romantic bubble? Does a single woman's need to be strong and be on her own always trump the desire to be romanced and treated as men with good upbringings have been told to treat her?
I like romance. I like flowers, I like sweetness and kindness, I like random expressions of feeling, I'd like chocolates if I liked chocolate. Yet I feel uncomfortable sitting in a car while a man walks around to open the car door for me. It makes me feel as though I'm agreeing to the fact that I'm unable to do anything (like get out of the car) without a man giving me permission, and the man doing the extremely hard physical labor of opening a car door since little old me can't handle it. And then I realize that I'm being silly. However, knowing that I'm being silly doesn't necessarily make the feeling go away, does it?
So how is a poor man supposed to act this day and age? I honestly feel badly for single men. Us woman are complex creatures with thoughts and feelings that are so mixed up that it's no wonder men feel like we are alien beings.
A lot of women my age were taught by our parents and society itself that we are to grow up, marry, buy a house, have babies, raise them right, and then enjoy being a grandmother. When I was younger that's honestly what I expected for myself. Now here I am. Almost 31 years old, one divorce under my belt, my only "child" being of the canine sort, renting an apartment in the Avenues surrounded by college students, and making a living of my own. I like my life. I like where I am in life. I like my stability. I like my ability to care for myself without having to depend on anyone else.
And that's where it gets confusing.
The line between independence and dependency is blurred. Yet we seem to be able to pick and choose which parts of the whole male/female thing are blurry. Flowers = okay. Car door = not okay. What????
That makes no sense. It all boils down to one simple fact: only the woman knows if she needs doors opened for her. And if she doesn't need doors opened for her, she should be comfortable with that and appreciate the gesture when a man makes attempts at being a gentleman. If she's truly comfortable with her independence then it shouldn't matter one way or another. And another thing that us independent women need to realize is that no man really thinks to himself "I need to get the car door for her because she can't do it herself". He is simply trying to be respectful. Simple.
Personally, this independent woman has figured out that I would really love some old-fashioned romance.
Much Love!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Tourist? Never.
A question that people always ask others when you are getting to know them (which I'm noticing more now that I'm back in the dating scene) is: Have you ever travelled outside of the country?
It seems as if that is a defining question. As if a person is defined as a traveler, or not a traveler. Or defined as adventurous or not adventurous. So on and so forth.
I have never travelled. I've only been to a few states in the US itself, and have never needed a passport. I've never even been to Mexico. I suppose I just never had the money to travel, and now that I'm financially stable, none of my friends are. As confident as I am with my ability to be alone, travelling out of the country by my lonesome does not appeal. On top of that, I have no desire to be a tourist. To be more specific in regards to Europe in particular- I have absolutely no desire to visit Paris, or any trendy place to be a tourist.
If I were to ever head outside of the USA, my destinations would be more historical in nature. The attic where Anne Frank and family stayed. The museum demonstrating the obliteration of Pompei. The Auschwitz-Birkenau State Museum. The Pyramids of Egypt. Etc. Sure, it would be grand and fun to see the sights shown in pictures and movies. The landmarks we've all seen so many times through technology. But that does not interest me. Mindless tourism doesn't do it for me.
But... there is one place that I would love to visit just for fun. Italy. Florence, Rome, Venice. If I ever get there, however, it is not going to be a random American just coming to take a look. My goal for Italy is to actually learn Italian. Actually rent an apartment instead of staying in a hotel. Actually spending a decent amount of time there. I'd get "in" with the locals. Find the amazing and interesting locally-knows hot spots and landmarks. More like temporarily live there instead of just in-and-out quick visiting. To me, that would be more meaningful than anything else.
I found some websites online that "teach" free Italian. But free doesn't mean good. I looked into the Rosetta Stone thing, but it's super expensive. So I guess I'll just keep looking it up and cross my fingers that I eventually find something that's good. Being fluent in Italian is a goal. It's good to have a goal.
That's all for now. It's just been on my mind with the whole dating "getting to know you" game.
Much Love!
It seems as if that is a defining question. As if a person is defined as a traveler, or not a traveler. Or defined as adventurous or not adventurous. So on and so forth.
I have never travelled. I've only been to a few states in the US itself, and have never needed a passport. I've never even been to Mexico. I suppose I just never had the money to travel, and now that I'm financially stable, none of my friends are. As confident as I am with my ability to be alone, travelling out of the country by my lonesome does not appeal. On top of that, I have no desire to be a tourist. To be more specific in regards to Europe in particular- I have absolutely no desire to visit Paris, or any trendy place to be a tourist.
If I were to ever head outside of the USA, my destinations would be more historical in nature. The attic where Anne Frank and family stayed. The museum demonstrating the obliteration of Pompei. The Auschwitz-Birkenau State Museum. The Pyramids of Egypt. Etc. Sure, it would be grand and fun to see the sights shown in pictures and movies. The landmarks we've all seen so many times through technology. But that does not interest me. Mindless tourism doesn't do it for me.
But... there is one place that I would love to visit just for fun. Italy. Florence, Rome, Venice. If I ever get there, however, it is not going to be a random American just coming to take a look. My goal for Italy is to actually learn Italian. Actually rent an apartment instead of staying in a hotel. Actually spending a decent amount of time there. I'd get "in" with the locals. Find the amazing and interesting locally-knows hot spots and landmarks. More like temporarily live there instead of just in-and-out quick visiting. To me, that would be more meaningful than anything else.
I found some websites online that "teach" free Italian. But free doesn't mean good. I looked into the Rosetta Stone thing, but it's super expensive. So I guess I'll just keep looking it up and cross my fingers that I eventually find something that's good. Being fluent in Italian is a goal. It's good to have a goal.
That's all for now. It's just been on my mind with the whole dating "getting to know you" game.
Much Love!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Trying!
I feel like I NEED to blog, but don't have anything substantial to say. It's quite odd. Feeling the need to write something down, but unable to single out a thought from a scrambling mind....
I miss Montana. Not because of Michael, but because Montana is slow. Meaning people drive slow, people move slow, life is slow. I liked that. I liked that a lot. I'm not a person that is happy with a fast-paced world. I like to stop and smell the roses, if you will. And it just seems like back here in Utah, it's all GO GO GO GO GO GO GO. Make something of yourself! Be as social as you possibly can! Date! Drive! Run! Etc.....
I don't like expectations.
I suppose it's mostly that I have a hard time depending on people, as well as having a hard time being depended on. I love and care. It's true. But it takes a lot for me to actually come out of my shell (my Crab shell, apparently) and be a support system to anyone else. I feel like I'm attempting a backflip on a balance beam without any experience. I don't know how to balance out my independence with admitting that I need anyone. And I don't know how to balance out my caring and love to others without being too protective or too judgemental of others that may hurt those that I love, while also ignoring their phone calls because "I'm not in the mood to talk".
Basically, I am just one confused and probably misunderstood woman. I have a plan in place to figure out what is bothering me. I have something going on to help me know what I need to do. My last few blogs have been about missing parts of me. I am going to find those missing parts. I am going to grow and learn and experience and love.
And to clarify- I am not sad. I am not living in self-pity for anything. I am not depressed. I am just contemplating life, which is a habbit of mine. (And actually should be a habbit to all.....)
Anyways, I just wanted to blab for a bit on how I miss the "newness" (did I just make up that word???) of Montana, and that I am still constantly trying to find my own place in this existence we call "The World".
Much Love!
I miss Montana. Not because of Michael, but because Montana is slow. Meaning people drive slow, people move slow, life is slow. I liked that. I liked that a lot. I'm not a person that is happy with a fast-paced world. I like to stop and smell the roses, if you will. And it just seems like back here in Utah, it's all GO GO GO GO GO GO GO. Make something of yourself! Be as social as you possibly can! Date! Drive! Run! Etc.....
I don't like expectations.
I suppose it's mostly that I have a hard time depending on people, as well as having a hard time being depended on. I love and care. It's true. But it takes a lot for me to actually come out of my shell (my Crab shell, apparently) and be a support system to anyone else. I feel like I'm attempting a backflip on a balance beam without any experience. I don't know how to balance out my independence with admitting that I need anyone. And I don't know how to balance out my caring and love to others without being too protective or too judgemental of others that may hurt those that I love, while also ignoring their phone calls because "I'm not in the mood to talk".
Basically, I am just one confused and probably misunderstood woman. I have a plan in place to figure out what is bothering me. I have something going on to help me know what I need to do. My last few blogs have been about missing parts of me. I am going to find those missing parts. I am going to grow and learn and experience and love.
And to clarify- I am not sad. I am not living in self-pity for anything. I am not depressed. I am just contemplating life, which is a habbit of mine. (And actually should be a habbit to all.....)
Anyways, I just wanted to blab for a bit on how I miss the "newness" (did I just make up that word???) of Montana, and that I am still constantly trying to find my own place in this existence we call "The World".
Much Love!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Insomnia The Sequel
So I sit here again after battling with sleep. When it really boils down to it, I am weak and my desire to sleep never kicks the ass of my inability to sleep. The side-affects of having an active mind. Time for bed? NOPE! The brain decides to keep on churning out its chaotic butter. Damn the active mind!
The door is cracking and the ceiling is creaking. My dog is snoring and I'm not sleeping.
I am in love with the thought of being in love. But only the thought of it. The reality of it terrifies me. I am content with my apartment and my dog and my sole control of the remote and my ability to keep the heat how I want it and the lights glowing until it's bedtime. I am strong and able and confident being alone. And I am in love with the THOUGHT of being in love..... Complications galore, my dears.
I dream crazy dreams where people combine into one. Many people in my life combined into one person. Or many people in my life where in my dream they keep changing characters. It's this person, and then that person, and then this other person, and then that new person, and then... you get the point. A friend told me that I'm trying to create the perfect person in my dreams. That the changing people, or combined people, mean that I'm trying to take the best parts of everyone and making them one perfect person. The truth? I have no idea. Dreams are just dreams. Everyone thinks differently so how can one person's dream have the same meaning as another's?
Okay, so speaking of dreaming- I am now going to try again to sleep. And dream my crazy dreams.
I was going to apologize for the random blog, but it's MY blog and if you read it- you read it for a reason. Including my crazy sleep-deprived attempts at forming a thought.
Much Love!
The door is cracking and the ceiling is creaking. My dog is snoring and I'm not sleeping.
I am in love with the thought of being in love. But only the thought of it. The reality of it terrifies me. I am content with my apartment and my dog and my sole control of the remote and my ability to keep the heat how I want it and the lights glowing until it's bedtime. I am strong and able and confident being alone. And I am in love with the THOUGHT of being in love..... Complications galore, my dears.
I dream crazy dreams where people combine into one. Many people in my life combined into one person. Or many people in my life where in my dream they keep changing characters. It's this person, and then that person, and then this other person, and then that new person, and then... you get the point. A friend told me that I'm trying to create the perfect person in my dreams. That the changing people, or combined people, mean that I'm trying to take the best parts of everyone and making them one perfect person. The truth? I have no idea. Dreams are just dreams. Everyone thinks differently so how can one person's dream have the same meaning as another's?
Okay, so speaking of dreaming- I am now going to try again to sleep. And dream my crazy dreams.
I was going to apologize for the random blog, but it's MY blog and if you read it- you read it for a reason. Including my crazy sleep-deprived attempts at forming a thought.
Much Love!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Insomnia
It's 2:11 AM as I start to blog. I've been trying to sleep for the past two hours, and sleep is playing a mind-reader's game of hide and seek. It hides, all I can seem to do is seek. So after lying there turning from my left side, to my right side, to my stomach, to my back, and over and over again, I realize that sleep is not cuddling up to me tonight and I may as well share my nightime meanderings.
Utah feels weird. All the sights are familiar. All the people are comfortable. I've got some new furniture, but an old soul. I've got some new neighbors, but the same old story. Jessica. Single. Alone. Independent. Looking for something to fill the hole inside me.
On that last statement, I will now go further. I don't know what my "meaning" is in life. I don't know what role I am supposed to fill. I keep trying and will never give up on anything that I feel is important enough to strive for. But what is it that I really desire? Sometimes it just seems like I float through life with no ambition, or motivation, or knowledge. As I've stated before, I took a chance with moving to Montana. And if felt good. It really did. But is picking up my life and moving everytime I feel unsettled the way to go? Do I just bounce around from city to city, town to town, state to state? Just hoping that I finally find that feeling of belonging? That feeling of peace? That feeling of I'm where I'm supposed to be?
I think that's why it was so easy to move to Montana. I was bored in Utah. I wanted an adventure. I wanted to actually take a risk in this life that has always been so predictable for me. I wanted an excuse and reason to do something MORE. And now here I am, back in Utah. Back where everything is boring and comfortable and predictable.....
Lack of slumber, lack of emotion, lack of culpability. I'm lacking, if you will.
Who the hell am I? Am I Jessica the friend? Am I Jessica the family member? Am I Jessica the ex-girlfriend? Am I Jessica the dog-owner? Am I Jessica the initiated? Am I Jessica the explorer? Am I Jessica the gambler? Am I Jessica the lone wolf? Am I Jessica the writer? Am I Jessica the sacrifice? Am I Jessica the hopeless? Am I Jessica the hopeful?
I have no idea. I want to find myself, but how does one go about doing that? The typical response would be "spend time alone", but I already do that (and have been doing it for the past 7 years or more). I guess that in the middle of this December night, I'm praying to a God I don't necessarily believe in that I can find a way to live a life I actually want. A life that's MINE. A life that will satisfy me. A life that doesn't include or exclude anyone or anything. A life that fulfills. Please, I'm praying. I need to get a life. (Pun intended.)
I will wake up tomorrow and work my 8 hours of work. I will watch my TV show. I will talk to people on the phone and/or over text. I will go to the store to replenish my groceries since I've been cooking a lot. I will pet my dog. I will say hello and be cheerful to anyone that I come across. I will put together the two bookshelves that my Mom D gave me for early Christmas. I will unpack the rest of my boxes. I will feel proud that my apartment looks good. I will walk around in a T-shirt with no bra, and boxer shorts, when I'm officially home for the night. I will make myself lunch. I will do the dishes. I will check CNN to see if anything interesting is happening in the world. I will put a piece of paper through my shredder since it makes me smile. I will look into what I'm wanting to do for Christmas and hope there is time to finish it. I will spend money on something that is needed to complete said Christmas presents. I will put my clean pants in their respective spots in my closet. I will update my Facebook status. I will take a shower and brush my teeth. I will drink a bunch of glasses of milk. All this will be done tomorrow, and it doesn't mean much of anything to me. Because I am lost.
The crazy thing about it all is that though I do miss Michael, I don't think about him very much. Out of sight, out of mind. Horrible, I know. The end of a 2-year relationship should have more of an impact on me. I mean it does, but it doesn't. I suppose most of that is that I wasn't ever his Number One and I always knew it. So I suppose I prepared myself for this, expected it even. When you expect something to happen and it does, it's hard to feel shocked or amazed, or even completely sad about it. Damn, that's a hard one to explain. Because I do feel sad, but I don't. Blah on that subject. Emotional complications galore.
I want to learn to play the guitar. I want to write my book. I want to groom dogs. I want to walk on the beach. I want to go on a cruise. I want to lose weight. I want to shoot my 9mm. I want to get a new "look". I want to listen continually to the cast of "Glee" on youtube. I want to find my MP3 player. I want to staple papers together. I want to find a perfume that I love. I want to sing karaoke without feeling ashamed. I want to stop doing everything for other people. I want to love someone that loves me back just as much. I want to get a second dog. I want.....
Okay. This blog is getting way too long. I just CAN'T SLEEP. I'm going to take Sunni on a walk around the cemetary that I live across the street from. And think think think think think think think think think think.
Not just temporary satisfaction, but long term contentment....... Who is Jessica and what does she really want from life?
Much Love!
Utah feels weird. All the sights are familiar. All the people are comfortable. I've got some new furniture, but an old soul. I've got some new neighbors, but the same old story. Jessica. Single. Alone. Independent. Looking for something to fill the hole inside me.
On that last statement, I will now go further. I don't know what my "meaning" is in life. I don't know what role I am supposed to fill. I keep trying and will never give up on anything that I feel is important enough to strive for. But what is it that I really desire? Sometimes it just seems like I float through life with no ambition, or motivation, or knowledge. As I've stated before, I took a chance with moving to Montana. And if felt good. It really did. But is picking up my life and moving everytime I feel unsettled the way to go? Do I just bounce around from city to city, town to town, state to state? Just hoping that I finally find that feeling of belonging? That feeling of peace? That feeling of I'm where I'm supposed to be?
I think that's why it was so easy to move to Montana. I was bored in Utah. I wanted an adventure. I wanted to actually take a risk in this life that has always been so predictable for me. I wanted an excuse and reason to do something MORE. And now here I am, back in Utah. Back where everything is boring and comfortable and predictable.....
Lack of slumber, lack of emotion, lack of culpability. I'm lacking, if you will.
Who the hell am I? Am I Jessica the friend? Am I Jessica the family member? Am I Jessica the ex-girlfriend? Am I Jessica the dog-owner? Am I Jessica the initiated? Am I Jessica the explorer? Am I Jessica the gambler? Am I Jessica the lone wolf? Am I Jessica the writer? Am I Jessica the sacrifice? Am I Jessica the hopeless? Am I Jessica the hopeful?
I have no idea. I want to find myself, but how does one go about doing that? The typical response would be "spend time alone", but I already do that (and have been doing it for the past 7 years or more). I guess that in the middle of this December night, I'm praying to a God I don't necessarily believe in that I can find a way to live a life I actually want. A life that's MINE. A life that will satisfy me. A life that doesn't include or exclude anyone or anything. A life that fulfills. Please, I'm praying. I need to get a life. (Pun intended.)
I will wake up tomorrow and work my 8 hours of work. I will watch my TV show. I will talk to people on the phone and/or over text. I will go to the store to replenish my groceries since I've been cooking a lot. I will pet my dog. I will say hello and be cheerful to anyone that I come across. I will put together the two bookshelves that my Mom D gave me for early Christmas. I will unpack the rest of my boxes. I will feel proud that my apartment looks good. I will walk around in a T-shirt with no bra, and boxer shorts, when I'm officially home for the night. I will make myself lunch. I will do the dishes. I will check CNN to see if anything interesting is happening in the world. I will put a piece of paper through my shredder since it makes me smile. I will look into what I'm wanting to do for Christmas and hope there is time to finish it. I will spend money on something that is needed to complete said Christmas presents. I will put my clean pants in their respective spots in my closet. I will update my Facebook status. I will take a shower and brush my teeth. I will drink a bunch of glasses of milk. All this will be done tomorrow, and it doesn't mean much of anything to me. Because I am lost.
The crazy thing about it all is that though I do miss Michael, I don't think about him very much. Out of sight, out of mind. Horrible, I know. The end of a 2-year relationship should have more of an impact on me. I mean it does, but it doesn't. I suppose most of that is that I wasn't ever his Number One and I always knew it. So I suppose I prepared myself for this, expected it even. When you expect something to happen and it does, it's hard to feel shocked or amazed, or even completely sad about it. Damn, that's a hard one to explain. Because I do feel sad, but I don't. Blah on that subject. Emotional complications galore.
I want to learn to play the guitar. I want to write my book. I want to groom dogs. I want to walk on the beach. I want to go on a cruise. I want to lose weight. I want to shoot my 9mm. I want to get a new "look". I want to listen continually to the cast of "Glee" on youtube. I want to find my MP3 player. I want to staple papers together. I want to find a perfume that I love. I want to sing karaoke without feeling ashamed. I want to stop doing everything for other people. I want to love someone that loves me back just as much. I want to get a second dog. I want.....
Okay. This blog is getting way too long. I just CAN'T SLEEP. I'm going to take Sunni on a walk around the cemetary that I live across the street from. And think think think think think think think think think think.
Not just temporary satisfaction, but long term contentment....... Who is Jessica and what does she really want from life?
Much Love!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Importance
I firmly believe that none of us will ever know the impact that we have had on other people and their lives. I will always think about numerous people that affected me and meant something to me in one way or another. And I'm pretty sure that none of those people could imagine that they still exist in the occasional thought of mine.
Friends, relationships, acquaintences. Some good, some bad. But those people helped make me who I am today and I will never forget them. Ever. And I wish that I could tell some of those people just how much they meant to me, and just how much importance they actually did have in my life.
Due to the wonder of modern technology (aka: the internet) and of modern websites (aka: Facebook), I have been fortunate to get back in contact with some of those people. And I have been able to communicate to them just how much they meant to me, and will always mean to me.
And there is a flip side to that.
I am being amazed. People that I thought I was just another face in the crowd to are opening up. I am getting closure on some things. I am being reminded of so many good times that I have forgotten about. And I am getting reminded over and over again that I am and always will be loved. It's completely blowing my mind, to be honest.
There are people that I knew from years and years ago that were so extremely important to me. I loved them. And amazingly enough, I am constantly being made to see that I wasn't just a little blip on their radar. That their love for me was equal to my love for them. It wasn't just a one-way street. I know that it may be silly to even think that it was ever that way, anways. But I think we all have a bad habbit of diminishing our importance to other people.
I may not be communicating very clearly what I'm trying to say, and I apologize.
The point that I'm trying to make is this: Just as I hold people close to my heart, those same people hold me close to their hearts. And for that, I am honored.
Much Love!
Friends, relationships, acquaintences. Some good, some bad. But those people helped make me who I am today and I will never forget them. Ever. And I wish that I could tell some of those people just how much they meant to me, and just how much importance they actually did have in my life.
Due to the wonder of modern technology (aka: the internet) and of modern websites (aka: Facebook), I have been fortunate to get back in contact with some of those people. And I have been able to communicate to them just how much they meant to me, and will always mean to me.
And there is a flip side to that.
I am being amazed. People that I thought I was just another face in the crowd to are opening up. I am getting closure on some things. I am being reminded of so many good times that I have forgotten about. And I am getting reminded over and over again that I am and always will be loved. It's completely blowing my mind, to be honest.
There are people that I knew from years and years ago that were so extremely important to me. I loved them. And amazingly enough, I am constantly being made to see that I wasn't just a little blip on their radar. That their love for me was equal to my love for them. It wasn't just a one-way street. I know that it may be silly to even think that it was ever that way, anways. But I think we all have a bad habbit of diminishing our importance to other people.
I may not be communicating very clearly what I'm trying to say, and I apologize.
The point that I'm trying to make is this: Just as I hold people close to my heart, those same people hold me close to their hearts. And for that, I am honored.
Much Love!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Signs? Omens? Chances?
So here I sit in my home office for the next week. And then I'll have a new home office. Decisions had to be made.
I believe that we all have energy, and the energy we have is stronger than anyone can even imagine. I also believe that using that energy when it comes to making choices can show you the way. Or at least lead you in a certain direction.
When I was deciding whether to move to Montana or not, I saw all sorts of signs. I kept an open mind and kept my eyes open. There's a long list of things that made themselves apparent to me that Montana was the way for me to go. And though it's ended, it's ended well. I've had a great time out here in Montana, seen some amazing things, met some wonderful people. I have NO regrets on moving here. Not one.
So in figuring out where to go and what to do NOW, I've again been keeping an open mind and keeping my eyes open. And the new signs are all around. Certain names continually popping up, certain places, certain thoughts. Even people are having a crazy influence on my situation.
I am moving back to Salt Lake. For now. I have a storage unit that needs going through, I have some other things to take care of in Utah. Until I move again.
Things came together for me. I found an apartment in one day that will allow me to have Sunni and have a 6-month lease. I got all the utilities scheduled for hooking up in one day. The U-haul trailer is a LOT cheaper than originally assumed. My car has a ton of brand new stuff so it's been reborn and ready to drive to Salt Lake. Michael is gone this weekend which gives me the whole time to have the house to myself and pack. I marvel about how smoothly this is all happening. It truly blows my mind.
But I only intend on staying in Salt Lake for the 6 months. I am single, with nothing tying me down anywhere. I am lucky enough to work from home where I can simply pick up and move without any complications with my job. And I feel nomadic. Staying in one place for too long holds no appeal to me. At least staying in Salt Lake for too long holds no appeal. I've lived there pretty much all of my life. And though Salt Lake will always be "home", it no longer draws me or makes me feel like that is where my life is to be lived.
You see, I have evolved. I have taken a step out of my comfort zone and found that I LOVE the challenge. I love doing something that I never expected I would do. I love experiencing different things instead of just "knowing" how things are going to be. So I am taking chances. I refuse to be stuck. I have blogged before about feeling stuck. That's Utah to me. Stuck. And I hate stuck.
I am going to LIVE my life, instead of just having one. In 6 months, you'll find me somewhere else. Because I'm reading the signs.
Much Love!
I believe that we all have energy, and the energy we have is stronger than anyone can even imagine. I also believe that using that energy when it comes to making choices can show you the way. Or at least lead you in a certain direction.
When I was deciding whether to move to Montana or not, I saw all sorts of signs. I kept an open mind and kept my eyes open. There's a long list of things that made themselves apparent to me that Montana was the way for me to go. And though it's ended, it's ended well. I've had a great time out here in Montana, seen some amazing things, met some wonderful people. I have NO regrets on moving here. Not one.
So in figuring out where to go and what to do NOW, I've again been keeping an open mind and keeping my eyes open. And the new signs are all around. Certain names continually popping up, certain places, certain thoughts. Even people are having a crazy influence on my situation.
I am moving back to Salt Lake. For now. I have a storage unit that needs going through, I have some other things to take care of in Utah. Until I move again.
Things came together for me. I found an apartment in one day that will allow me to have Sunni and have a 6-month lease. I got all the utilities scheduled for hooking up in one day. The U-haul trailer is a LOT cheaper than originally assumed. My car has a ton of brand new stuff so it's been reborn and ready to drive to Salt Lake. Michael is gone this weekend which gives me the whole time to have the house to myself and pack. I marvel about how smoothly this is all happening. It truly blows my mind.
But I only intend on staying in Salt Lake for the 6 months. I am single, with nothing tying me down anywhere. I am lucky enough to work from home where I can simply pick up and move without any complications with my job. And I feel nomadic. Staying in one place for too long holds no appeal to me. At least staying in Salt Lake for too long holds no appeal. I've lived there pretty much all of my life. And though Salt Lake will always be "home", it no longer draws me or makes me feel like that is where my life is to be lived.
You see, I have evolved. I have taken a step out of my comfort zone and found that I LOVE the challenge. I love doing something that I never expected I would do. I love experiencing different things instead of just "knowing" how things are going to be. So I am taking chances. I refuse to be stuck. I have blogged before about feeling stuck. That's Utah to me. Stuck. And I hate stuck.
I am going to LIVE my life, instead of just having one. In 6 months, you'll find me somewhere else. Because I'm reading the signs.
Much Love!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
The Game
I am just recently single and have NO desire to date right now. The thought of dating makes me want to wretch. Sometimes it just seems so futile- you date, you fall in love, you move in, you move out of state for them, you get dumped on your ass. What's the point of the two years you spent with them? But.... you learn, you love, you have good (and bad) memories, you connect with someone for a little while. And then it's all gone and you have to rebuild your own life. Which sucks. BUT.... you did learn, you did love, you do have new memories, you did connect with someone.....
Let's face it, there are always little parts of yourself that you change/lose/adapt/compromise/etc when in a relationship. So you don't like to talk on the phone, but your significant other feels they need that. You end up making an exception and talk on the phone to them. You don't like a certain type of movie, but they REALLY want to see it. So you sacrifice and go to the overpriced movie theater, buy overpriced popcorn and an overpriced Coke, and see the movie with them. You don't feel cared for enough and need a little bit more. So they adapt and give you more attention. See? It's all a battle. A personal effort. And then when its taken away?
You rebuild yourself as a single person. You go back to those traits that you could only enjoy as a single person without having to worry about anyone else. You resort to thinking "who in the world was I?" when realizing just how much you were willing to sacrifice for that someone. And then you transform into someone else. Not necessarily a "selfish" person, but a person who only has themself. I am only me now. I make my own choices with no outside influence or worry. I do whatever I want to do without having to "report" to anyone. And since it's so fresh and new, it's lonely. I don't WANT to only think about myself. I don't WANT to do what's good for me and only me. But I will. Yes, I will.....
At this stage of life, I'm exhausted by doing so much on my own. A partnership should be equal. Equal responsibilities, equal chores, equal sacrifice, equal caring, equal respect. And I really mean ALL of those things (and more) should be equal. Sure, date the "responsible" guy, but where does that really leave you emotionally? Empty. That's it. Empty.
I'm not empty.
I was loved as much as He could possibly love me. And I'm proud of that and happy with that. But equally as sad is that He couldn't love me enough. But that's okay. In my own way, I didn't love him enough, either.
So life is give and take, losses and gains. If we stop playing, there's no way to ever win. It's as simple as that.
I was hurt and heartbroken. I am still hurt and heartbroken. But I'm oddly content with this hurt and heartbreak. It reminds me that I should never ever get too comfortable. That there is always going to be work to do in a relationship. That just loving someone is never enough. And that I should never sacrifice too much of myself for a small little hope of something more. I'm not worth giving up.
Sorry for all the comtemplation. I've just had a lot of thoughts in my head and writing them down (or "typing" them down) relieves some of my brain tension.
As Annie says "The sun will come out tomorrow".
Much Love!
Let's face it, there are always little parts of yourself that you change/lose/adapt/compromise/etc when in a relationship. So you don't like to talk on the phone, but your significant other feels they need that. You end up making an exception and talk on the phone to them. You don't like a certain type of movie, but they REALLY want to see it. So you sacrifice and go to the overpriced movie theater, buy overpriced popcorn and an overpriced Coke, and see the movie with them. You don't feel cared for enough and need a little bit more. So they adapt and give you more attention. See? It's all a battle. A personal effort. And then when its taken away?
You rebuild yourself as a single person. You go back to those traits that you could only enjoy as a single person without having to worry about anyone else. You resort to thinking "who in the world was I?" when realizing just how much you were willing to sacrifice for that someone. And then you transform into someone else. Not necessarily a "selfish" person, but a person who only has themself. I am only me now. I make my own choices with no outside influence or worry. I do whatever I want to do without having to "report" to anyone. And since it's so fresh and new, it's lonely. I don't WANT to only think about myself. I don't WANT to do what's good for me and only me. But I will. Yes, I will.....
At this stage of life, I'm exhausted by doing so much on my own. A partnership should be equal. Equal responsibilities, equal chores, equal sacrifice, equal caring, equal respect. And I really mean ALL of those things (and more) should be equal. Sure, date the "responsible" guy, but where does that really leave you emotionally? Empty. That's it. Empty.
I'm not empty.
I was loved as much as He could possibly love me. And I'm proud of that and happy with that. But equally as sad is that He couldn't love me enough. But that's okay. In my own way, I didn't love him enough, either.
So life is give and take, losses and gains. If we stop playing, there's no way to ever win. It's as simple as that.
I was hurt and heartbroken. I am still hurt and heartbroken. But I'm oddly content with this hurt and heartbreak. It reminds me that I should never ever get too comfortable. That there is always going to be work to do in a relationship. That just loving someone is never enough. And that I should never sacrifice too much of myself for a small little hope of something more. I'm not worth giving up.
Sorry for all the comtemplation. I've just had a lot of thoughts in my head and writing them down (or "typing" them down) relieves some of my brain tension.
As Annie says "The sun will come out tomorrow".
Much Love!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Books And Other Things
I read a LOT. And it's mostly the dumb non-fiction murder mysteries and the like. And I have a theory about reading.
It's sad.
Because I read so fast that I get involved in another world and get excited to get back to that other world during work breaks, or on weekends, etc.
But since I'm such a fast reader, it's done. And when I finish a book, I feel at a loss for a bit. I liked that dreamworld that I existed in for the time that I was there. I liked the images that came into my mind and the worlds I imagined. I liked the knowledge that I was safe in my own comfortable little world while reading about people that were going through some traumatic situations. And then it's over and done and it makes me sad.
Keep in mind that I'd rather read a book than watch TV (with the exception of my two shows I watch which total an entire TWO hours during the whole week). I devour words and books like I'm a starving Bohemian thirsting for a drink. I prefer to imagine my own worlds, which can be done with books. Instead of SEE a world that someone else has created for you with watching movies.
Granted, I LOVE my movies. So maybe I'm not making sense.....
I love the fact that by reading a book, I can still use my imagination. Adults apparently forget how to use that. By reading a book, I have to imagine the neighborhood, what the people look like, what the police station looks like, etc. I get to be a kid again, in my own way. And I will never give that up.
But.... my point is that I love reading so much that I feel sadness when I finish a good book. Because it's over.
But..... on the other hand- sometimes things are better off being "over". Michael and I have broken up. We are friends, but not together due to some actually ridiculous circumstances. Which is okay.
I need to fly. I need to stop caring so much about someone else that I put my own life on hold for them. That I follow that person to some crazy small town and all that. I don't regret what I've done for a second. I really don't. I've had a great time and enjoyed some new things and taken a chance. And Michael and I will always love each other in our own way. Yet.... I need to fly.
And I like having wings.
Much Love!
It's sad.
Because I read so fast that I get involved in another world and get excited to get back to that other world during work breaks, or on weekends, etc.
But since I'm such a fast reader, it's done. And when I finish a book, I feel at a loss for a bit. I liked that dreamworld that I existed in for the time that I was there. I liked the images that came into my mind and the worlds I imagined. I liked the knowledge that I was safe in my own comfortable little world while reading about people that were going through some traumatic situations. And then it's over and done and it makes me sad.
Keep in mind that I'd rather read a book than watch TV (with the exception of my two shows I watch which total an entire TWO hours during the whole week). I devour words and books like I'm a starving Bohemian thirsting for a drink. I prefer to imagine my own worlds, which can be done with books. Instead of SEE a world that someone else has created for you with watching movies.
Granted, I LOVE my movies. So maybe I'm not making sense.....
I love the fact that by reading a book, I can still use my imagination. Adults apparently forget how to use that. By reading a book, I have to imagine the neighborhood, what the people look like, what the police station looks like, etc. I get to be a kid again, in my own way. And I will never give that up.
But.... my point is that I love reading so much that I feel sadness when I finish a good book. Because it's over.
But..... on the other hand- sometimes things are better off being "over". Michael and I have broken up. We are friends, but not together due to some actually ridiculous circumstances. Which is okay.
I need to fly. I need to stop caring so much about someone else that I put my own life on hold for them. That I follow that person to some crazy small town and all that. I don't regret what I've done for a second. I really don't. I've had a great time and enjoyed some new things and taken a chance. And Michael and I will always love each other in our own way. Yet.... I need to fly.
And I like having wings.
Much Love!
Friday, October 23, 2009
I Try
I really try to not "hate". I honestly think that "hate" is a hugely negative thing. Yet, I find myself hating. Any normal person hates things. Like glitter, or computer viruses, or stale potato chips, or CNN, or airplanes, etc.....
But I have a Hate in me for a person. And it disturbs me. It's been a while since I have actually Hated a living human being. Though I can't really say that, because I have actually Hated this person for a while. (Yes, I capitalized the word "hate" for a reason.)
And I wonder what I am becoming. If I feel so much hatred towards someone, what does that make me?
I have always been sweet and caring. I have always tried to be accepting. I have always been proud of my heart. I have always been accepting of other lifestyles, and personalities. I am open to other peoples' religious beliefs and thoughts and feelings. I have always respected my familial obligations. So much in fact, that I'm closer to my honey's family that HE is. People generally like me. I'm sweet and conversational to the grocery store checker. I joke around with the random old guy at the gas station. When my order is right at Taco John's, I let them know how much I appreciate it. I am a good person.
So why do I feel so guilty for Hating a particular person? I shouldn't apologize for hate, right? It's deserved. I promise y0u that. I just feel like I should be better than that. Unlike HER. Evil bitch.... sorry.
I've been listening to a mix of angry rock and love songs all night. Hell- that's complex.
I'm going to continue listening to my MP3 player. And now my sister's songs are coming on and THAT is what matters.
Reality. The love that people have for me. And the love that I have for everyone. Hate- go away. Love is more important. Welcome, love.
Though I still Hate.....
Damnit!
But I have a Hate in me for a person. And it disturbs me. It's been a while since I have actually Hated a living human being. Though I can't really say that, because I have actually Hated this person for a while. (Yes, I capitalized the word "hate" for a reason.)
And I wonder what I am becoming. If I feel so much hatred towards someone, what does that make me?
I have always been sweet and caring. I have always tried to be accepting. I have always been proud of my heart. I have always been accepting of other lifestyles, and personalities. I am open to other peoples' religious beliefs and thoughts and feelings. I have always respected my familial obligations. So much in fact, that I'm closer to my honey's family that HE is. People generally like me. I'm sweet and conversational to the grocery store checker. I joke around with the random old guy at the gas station. When my order is right at Taco John's, I let them know how much I appreciate it. I am a good person.
So why do I feel so guilty for Hating a particular person? I shouldn't apologize for hate, right? It's deserved. I promise y0u that. I just feel like I should be better than that. Unlike HER. Evil bitch.... sorry.
I've been listening to a mix of angry rock and love songs all night. Hell- that's complex.
I'm going to continue listening to my MP3 player. And now my sister's songs are coming on and THAT is what matters.
Reality. The love that people have for me. And the love that I have for everyone. Hate- go away. Love is more important. Welcome, love.
Though I still Hate.....
Damnit!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Some Honesty
I want to write a book. I started it tonight. I have NO idea what it's going to be about, but from what I have heard/read about other writers, they had no idea where their story was going either. My book won't be a novel. It won't be anything special or astonishing, but I will love it because it will be MINE. Even if it ends up being just a short story instead of a book. It won't matter to me. I've have a TON of people tell me that I should publish my poetry. And that would be great, however..... I write for myself. And the poems that I write are symbolic and only make sense to me. And with my song lyrics? They are okay. Some are actually really good. But I can't see myself "selling" my lyrics to some studio so that somebody like Britney Spears, or whoever, can make millions off of them. Not that I'm saying what I have written as far as lyrics would ever be good enough to get to celebrity status. Not at all.
Let me just be clear here: I write poems, song lyrics, and am starting a book. I love my own writing and am proud of everything that I've ever written, because it's ME. Not because I'm this super amazing writer or anything. Some of my stuff is good, a lot of it isn't. But it's ALL good to me because I have written it all for myself.
Anyways.... honesty. Welcome to my real world, ladies and gents:
-Every now and then I'll throw my MP3 player and headphones on and dance like a crazy person in the house, and sing out loud outside. Either way, I will crazily dance, even if I'm going to the bathroom. Too much info, sorry.... but still true.
-I love pickles, but only the insides. I chew off all the good inside-ness and throw away the skins. Kinda gross, but it's my reality.
-I talk to Sunni and Mindy (our dogs) like they are actual people sometimes. Not the high-pitched dog voice, but a real voice. I tell them my problems. And then they lick my hand.
-I sleep on the couch a lot. NOT when Michael is here. Because I love sleeping in bed with him. But when I'm by myself at night, I sleep on the couch most of the time. And I have no idea why I do that. Maybe because sleeping in bed alone makes me miss Michael when he is working? I don't know. I just know that I sleep on the couch a lot.
-Netflix is pretty much my favorite thing in the entire world. Other than Amazon.com and Wetseal.com. So I guess that means that Netflix, Amazon.com, and Wetseal.com are my favorite things. As far as websites. Because I love certain people and experiences more than those websites, obviously.
-I want people to like me. I try to accept and adapt to other peoples' personalities so that I can get along with them and be accepted by them. Most of Michael's Utah friends didn't like me. And I never understood why. Now I do. And now I have met some of Michael's new friends, and they love me. And I get it. (That's a bit cryptic, I know. But apparently my blog is read by certain people that I would prefer to NOT read it, so I have to be cryptic to not say too much.)
-I need a blanket over me. Even when it's hot. It's like a comforting hug to me. So even if it's just the most thin sheet possible, I need it.
-I love horror movies and chick flicks. Um..... isn't that an extreme genre adoration? Yes, yes it is. But also, it is the truth. Those are the movies that I love.
-The last time my entire family was together was at my wedding. And I really really really want to see my mom, step-dad, brothers, dad, step-mom, sisters, and myself in one place again and take a big picture. I know it would be wierd, but it would make me really happy.
-Michael making me coffee every morning that he's home is better than getting roses. It's true. It's the small sweetness that it important.
-I crave meat. Which actually angers me. I LOVE me a good salad. More than most. I don't eat healthy intentionally, it just happens that I love salad and fruit and veggies. But sometimes I crave meat. I don't get angry about me craving meat. I'm okay with that. What angers me is that we don't have much meat in our house. So when I crave meat, it's just not satisfied. Hot dogs just don't cut it when wanting a good steak.
-Since Michael and I aren't married and have our individual bills/accounts/responsibilities, when it comes to something that I really want, I NEED to spend the money on it. It makes it mine. Not that we are going to have to worry about splitting up our things since we are doing AMAZING, it's just that I need to pay my own way. Hell, I lived by myself for 5 years, so it's just natural for me to buy things that I want when I can.
-I absolutely LOVE the smell of my baby girl Sunni. She has this scent that is only her, and I love it. It's on the top of her head. If I sniff the top of her head, it makes me happy. Like the scent of the parking garage at our old Park City condo, and the smell of our Bear Lake cabin.
-My mom adores Michael. And that makes me happy because I care about her opinion. I don't NEED her approval, but the glowing approval I received makes me extremely happy. On the same note, my dad adores Michael, too. And Michael's mom and step-dad Zac adore me. So it's good to go with las familias!
-I am agnostic. Which means I have no believe or disbelief in much of anything. Which leaves me with nothing but questions. And that scares me.
-We have a ghost in our house. But she loves us because we take care of her house. She is sweet and protective. She keeps the spiders and most of the bugs outside, and we respect her house and keep it clean. It's a win-win situation.
-I recently found out that Michael speaks VERY well of me to his work friends. Considering that he doesn't speak his mind much, I was so extremely flattered to hear from a friend of Michael's that Michael speaks so highly of me. WOW. That's awesome! I love that boy.
-I really wish that more musicals were made. Modern musicals. I love musicals, even the older ones. And the cartoon ones. Confession: "The Little Mermaid" is my favorite Disney movie EVER. Though my favorite musical of all time (so far- and people that know me are already aware of this) is Rent. I LOVE RENT.
-Last part of honesty- it's time for bed. True.
Much Love!
Let me just be clear here: I write poems, song lyrics, and am starting a book. I love my own writing and am proud of everything that I've ever written, because it's ME. Not because I'm this super amazing writer or anything. Some of my stuff is good, a lot of it isn't. But it's ALL good to me because I have written it all for myself.
Anyways.... honesty. Welcome to my real world, ladies and gents:
-Every now and then I'll throw my MP3 player and headphones on and dance like a crazy person in the house, and sing out loud outside. Either way, I will crazily dance, even if I'm going to the bathroom. Too much info, sorry.... but still true.
-I love pickles, but only the insides. I chew off all the good inside-ness and throw away the skins. Kinda gross, but it's my reality.
-I talk to Sunni and Mindy (our dogs) like they are actual people sometimes. Not the high-pitched dog voice, but a real voice. I tell them my problems. And then they lick my hand.
-I sleep on the couch a lot. NOT when Michael is here. Because I love sleeping in bed with him. But when I'm by myself at night, I sleep on the couch most of the time. And I have no idea why I do that. Maybe because sleeping in bed alone makes me miss Michael when he is working? I don't know. I just know that I sleep on the couch a lot.
-Netflix is pretty much my favorite thing in the entire world. Other than Amazon.com and Wetseal.com. So I guess that means that Netflix, Amazon.com, and Wetseal.com are my favorite things. As far as websites. Because I love certain people and experiences more than those websites, obviously.
-I want people to like me. I try to accept and adapt to other peoples' personalities so that I can get along with them and be accepted by them. Most of Michael's Utah friends didn't like me. And I never understood why. Now I do. And now I have met some of Michael's new friends, and they love me. And I get it. (That's a bit cryptic, I know. But apparently my blog is read by certain people that I would prefer to NOT read it, so I have to be cryptic to not say too much.)
-I need a blanket over me. Even when it's hot. It's like a comforting hug to me. So even if it's just the most thin sheet possible, I need it.
-I love horror movies and chick flicks. Um..... isn't that an extreme genre adoration? Yes, yes it is. But also, it is the truth. Those are the movies that I love.
-The last time my entire family was together was at my wedding. And I really really really want to see my mom, step-dad, brothers, dad, step-mom, sisters, and myself in one place again and take a big picture. I know it would be wierd, but it would make me really happy.
-Michael making me coffee every morning that he's home is better than getting roses. It's true. It's the small sweetness that it important.
-I crave meat. Which actually angers me. I LOVE me a good salad. More than most. I don't eat healthy intentionally, it just happens that I love salad and fruit and veggies. But sometimes I crave meat. I don't get angry about me craving meat. I'm okay with that. What angers me is that we don't have much meat in our house. So when I crave meat, it's just not satisfied. Hot dogs just don't cut it when wanting a good steak.
-Since Michael and I aren't married and have our individual bills/accounts/responsibilities, when it comes to something that I really want, I NEED to spend the money on it. It makes it mine. Not that we are going to have to worry about splitting up our things since we are doing AMAZING, it's just that I need to pay my own way. Hell, I lived by myself for 5 years, so it's just natural for me to buy things that I want when I can.
-I absolutely LOVE the smell of my baby girl Sunni. She has this scent that is only her, and I love it. It's on the top of her head. If I sniff the top of her head, it makes me happy. Like the scent of the parking garage at our old Park City condo, and the smell of our Bear Lake cabin.
-My mom adores Michael. And that makes me happy because I care about her opinion. I don't NEED her approval, but the glowing approval I received makes me extremely happy. On the same note, my dad adores Michael, too. And Michael's mom and step-dad Zac adore me. So it's good to go with las familias!
-I am agnostic. Which means I have no believe or disbelief in much of anything. Which leaves me with nothing but questions. And that scares me.
-We have a ghost in our house. But she loves us because we take care of her house. She is sweet and protective. She keeps the spiders and most of the bugs outside, and we respect her house and keep it clean. It's a win-win situation.
-I recently found out that Michael speaks VERY well of me to his work friends. Considering that he doesn't speak his mind much, I was so extremely flattered to hear from a friend of Michael's that Michael speaks so highly of me. WOW. That's awesome! I love that boy.
-I really wish that more musicals were made. Modern musicals. I love musicals, even the older ones. And the cartoon ones. Confession: "The Little Mermaid" is my favorite Disney movie EVER. Though my favorite musical of all time (so far- and people that know me are already aware of this) is Rent. I LOVE RENT.
-Last part of honesty- it's time for bed. True.
Much Love!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Some Things I Hate
-While watching TV, seeing peoples' eyes move to the point where you know they are just reading their cue cards or monitors. If there are editors, why don't they catch this pathetically obvious thing? Eyes moving from right to left on TV. It's pathetically obvious. I hate it.
-The whole "wearing the pants low to the point where your ass is hanging out" trend. Boys and girls. Boys doing it makes them look like they can't even afford a belt. Girls doing it makes them look like sluts. (Sorry, but true.) I hate it.
-Tattoos that people get because the tattoo is "cute", or "trendy", or "popular", or "pretty", or etc. Tattoos are on your skin FOREVER, and if you don't get one that actually means something to you, you are dumb. Sorry, but true. My two tattoos are very very symbolic to me and my life, so they will stay that way for the rest of my life. Getting stupid tattoos..... I hate it.
-Social expectations. No matter what the social expectation is. Whether it's being fake, having kids, getting married, watching TV faithfully, etc. If you fail to do or believe in these expectations, you are odd. I'm not fake, I don't want kids, I will get married to Michael someday but not now, I don't watch much TV, etc. Any social expectation..... I hate it.
-Restaurant tables. (And the fact that I have to pull up dictionary.com to spell "restaurant" since it's one of my words I have issues spelling.) Do people not even realize that the cleaning of tables is with the same cloth that was used on 10 previous tables and it's all just pretty much swiped off? If I see someone, anyone, put their forks or spoons on the table and then eat with it, I get a sick feeling. I hate it.
-The under-estimation of musicals. I adore musicals, and don't understand the bad rap they get. It's not "gay". It's not weird. It's good music within a movie. I LOVE musicals, and the assumption that they suck? I hate it.
-Old Navy commercials. I have never ever liked a single Old Navy commercial. They are horrible, and they suck. I hate them.
-The random hair in the mouth. Whether it's from a dog, an unknown source, an "encounter" (you all know what I mean), a lint pickup, whatever. It's gross. I hate it.
-Michael Moore. People think he exposes things for what they are. But what he "exposes" is only his opinion. Hell, if I could make movies based on my opinion, that would be awesome. I could make movies, too! And be so much more a better looking "spokesperson" than him. The fact that people get sucked in to Michael Moore's opinion.... I hate it.
-Chapped lips. I am addicted to Chapstick. I have always been addicted to some form of lip moisturizer. Always. Chapstick is my personal favorite, and I NEED it. But.... my addiction to Chapstick and my anger towards chapped lips?..... I hate it.
-Snakes. That's it. Snakes. I hate them.
-Sarah Palin. Again, I hate snakes. (Haha!). I hate her/it/them.
-Snoring. Thank God my honey Michael doesn't snore. Yet.... my dog Sunni does.... I hate it.
-Government control. No explanation needed on that. I hate it.
-When a younger woman's teeny tiny dress flies up in the wind and just happens to show my boyfriend her ass. Sadly enough, it has the potential to cause weirdness. I hate it.
-The cold. If I have goosebumps (other then the good ones) then I am completely uncomfortable and I hate it.
Okay okay okay. There's still a lot more that I hate, but I should let it go for tonight. It's time for bed!!!
Much love!
-The whole "wearing the pants low to the point where your ass is hanging out" trend. Boys and girls. Boys doing it makes them look like they can't even afford a belt. Girls doing it makes them look like sluts. (Sorry, but true.) I hate it.
-Tattoos that people get because the tattoo is "cute", or "trendy", or "popular", or "pretty", or etc. Tattoos are on your skin FOREVER, and if you don't get one that actually means something to you, you are dumb. Sorry, but true. My two tattoos are very very symbolic to me and my life, so they will stay that way for the rest of my life. Getting stupid tattoos..... I hate it.
-Social expectations. No matter what the social expectation is. Whether it's being fake, having kids, getting married, watching TV faithfully, etc. If you fail to do or believe in these expectations, you are odd. I'm not fake, I don't want kids, I will get married to Michael someday but not now, I don't watch much TV, etc. Any social expectation..... I hate it.
-Restaurant tables. (And the fact that I have to pull up dictionary.com to spell "restaurant" since it's one of my words I have issues spelling.) Do people not even realize that the cleaning of tables is with the same cloth that was used on 10 previous tables and it's all just pretty much swiped off? If I see someone, anyone, put their forks or spoons on the table and then eat with it, I get a sick feeling. I hate it.
-The under-estimation of musicals. I adore musicals, and don't understand the bad rap they get. It's not "gay". It's not weird. It's good music within a movie. I LOVE musicals, and the assumption that they suck? I hate it.
-Old Navy commercials. I have never ever liked a single Old Navy commercial. They are horrible, and they suck. I hate them.
-The random hair in the mouth. Whether it's from a dog, an unknown source, an "encounter" (you all know what I mean), a lint pickup, whatever. It's gross. I hate it.
-Michael Moore. People think he exposes things for what they are. But what he "exposes" is only his opinion. Hell, if I could make movies based on my opinion, that would be awesome. I could make movies, too! And be so much more a better looking "spokesperson" than him. The fact that people get sucked in to Michael Moore's opinion.... I hate it.
-Chapped lips. I am addicted to Chapstick. I have always been addicted to some form of lip moisturizer. Always. Chapstick is my personal favorite, and I NEED it. But.... my addiction to Chapstick and my anger towards chapped lips?..... I hate it.
-Snakes. That's it. Snakes. I hate them.
-Sarah Palin. Again, I hate snakes. (Haha!). I hate her/it/them.
-Snoring. Thank God my honey Michael doesn't snore. Yet.... my dog Sunni does.... I hate it.
-Government control. No explanation needed on that. I hate it.
-When a younger woman's teeny tiny dress flies up in the wind and just happens to show my boyfriend her ass. Sadly enough, it has the potential to cause weirdness. I hate it.
-The cold. If I have goosebumps (other then the good ones) then I am completely uncomfortable and I hate it.
Okay okay okay. There's still a lot more that I hate, but I should let it go for tonight. It's time for bed!!!
Much love!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Fantastic Discovery!!
So when I get off work and jump on Facebook, I need background noise. So I turn on the TV. Michael and I get a majestic THREE channels. Simply amazing!
(It works for us just fine since we have Netflix. And though they say "all you need is love", I disagree. I think that "all you need is unlimited movies through Netflix". True story.)
Anyways, so while halfway watching the commercials on one of the three channels we receive, I found something that makes me feel confident that good things are actually still available in the world. This is excluding the already great things, such as: friends and family and food and sleeping and sex and pets and Montana Anti-Meth commercials and working at home and dentists and..... you get the point. So the commercial says "Want $50 for $25? Log on to blahblahblahblah.com (can't remember the website- it's saved as a favorite on my work computer) and click on 'Half off Great Falls'".
There's a restaurant that I've wanted to go to for dinner. I thought it was Indian or something like that, because the sign always advertises belly dancers. I know that belly dancers don't really mean that the restaurant serves Indian food, but in my silly mind the two go together. And though I'm not a huge fan of spicy food, I figured it would be a fun experience.
So imagine my surprise when I log on to the website and it says that I can buy two $25 gift certificates for $25. Meaning I can literally get $50 worth of food for $25. That's freaking awesome in itself. And then..... I find out that it's Greek food, not Indian. I LOVE GREEK FOOD.
So I am completely happy right now. I get $50 worth of Greek food for $25- and I can plan to go with Michael on a night when they have belly dancers for entertainment!!!
Apparently, there are more perks out here than I realized....
Next month's special deal? Gift certificates for Taco Del Mar. And I just so happen to like me some Mexican food, as well.......
Much Love!
(It works for us just fine since we have Netflix. And though they say "all you need is love", I disagree. I think that "all you need is unlimited movies through Netflix". True story.)
Anyways, so while halfway watching the commercials on one of the three channels we receive, I found something that makes me feel confident that good things are actually still available in the world. This is excluding the already great things, such as: friends and family and food and sleeping and sex and pets and Montana Anti-Meth commercials and working at home and dentists and..... you get the point. So the commercial says "Want $50 for $25? Log on to blahblahblahblah.com (can't remember the website- it's saved as a favorite on my work computer) and click on 'Half off Great Falls'".
There's a restaurant that I've wanted to go to for dinner. I thought it was Indian or something like that, because the sign always advertises belly dancers. I know that belly dancers don't really mean that the restaurant serves Indian food, but in my silly mind the two go together. And though I'm not a huge fan of spicy food, I figured it would be a fun experience.
So imagine my surprise when I log on to the website and it says that I can buy two $25 gift certificates for $25. Meaning I can literally get $50 worth of food for $25. That's freaking awesome in itself. And then..... I find out that it's Greek food, not Indian. I LOVE GREEK FOOD.
So I am completely happy right now. I get $50 worth of Greek food for $25- and I can plan to go with Michael on a night when they have belly dancers for entertainment!!!
Apparently, there are more perks out here than I realized....
Next month's special deal? Gift certificates for Taco Del Mar. And I just so happen to like me some Mexican food, as well.......
Much Love!
Monday, May 18, 2009
A Tad Creepy.....
So Michael and I stopped at the gas station the other night. He "gassed up" while I went inside to buy beer and a drink that Michael wanted. I went in right after a man who actually ended up following me in. He held the door for me, and then followed me around the store. I opened the little door thing in the refrigerated area to get Michael's drink and grabbed his drink. Then realized the bottle was sticky. So I went to open the door again to get a clean bottle and creepy guy was there. I attempted to shut the door so that he could squeeze by, and he made the signal to go for it, no worries. (Which meant he wanted me to bend over again for him.....). So I grab Michael's drink and start walking towards the beer area. This random girl says "Can I tell you something?" from across the store. She runs up to me and proceeds to tell me that I have the perfect body. And then continues giving me details on how I have the perfect body. Explicit details......
As I am a nice person, I thank her for the compliment. I finally find what I need to get and walk to the counter to check out. I hear "There's the hot girl again!". Apparently, the woman that adored me was just in the bathroom and not gone. So she again told me how I have the perfect body while I am buying beer and wine at the check-out.
As weird and creepy as the whole situation was- I FEEL GOOD. She wasn't ugly. She wasn't dirty. She wasn't gross. And here this woman felt the need (probably a drunken need) to tell me that I look amazing. She literally told me that she didn't "GO" that way, but if she did it would be me. Granted, she was probably completely drunk or stoned or whatever. But I choose to take it as a complete compliment.
I'm writing about it because it was one of the most random and weird things, yet it made me feel confident.
So thank you, random drunk and/or drugged out girl! Thank you.
Other than that, Michael and I made progress this weekend. We bought a lawnmower and I actually used it a bit to help mow the lawn. Michael did most of it, but I figured I should probably help out, so I did. And then we were in the mood- so we started doing yardwork together. Michael said "This is our first time doing yardwork together", and it's true. So it was nice. We have plans for the yard. And I have actually stepped in and helped, as opposed to just having Michael do it all. So that's great! I shoveled and he dug, and it's looking good. We have plans....
Anyways, it's time for bed. Especially since I'm trying to work a 12-hour day tomorrow.....
And just so people know- I HATE anonymous comments. Be yourself, that's all I ask....
Much Love!
As I am a nice person, I thank her for the compliment. I finally find what I need to get and walk to the counter to check out. I hear "There's the hot girl again!". Apparently, the woman that adored me was just in the bathroom and not gone. So she again told me how I have the perfect body while I am buying beer and wine at the check-out.
As weird and creepy as the whole situation was- I FEEL GOOD. She wasn't ugly. She wasn't dirty. She wasn't gross. And here this woman felt the need (probably a drunken need) to tell me that I look amazing. She literally told me that she didn't "GO" that way, but if she did it would be me. Granted, she was probably completely drunk or stoned or whatever. But I choose to take it as a complete compliment.
I'm writing about it because it was one of the most random and weird things, yet it made me feel confident.
So thank you, random drunk and/or drugged out girl! Thank you.
Other than that, Michael and I made progress this weekend. We bought a lawnmower and I actually used it a bit to help mow the lawn. Michael did most of it, but I figured I should probably help out, so I did. And then we were in the mood- so we started doing yardwork together. Michael said "This is our first time doing yardwork together", and it's true. So it was nice. We have plans for the yard. And I have actually stepped in and helped, as opposed to just having Michael do it all. So that's great! I shoveled and he dug, and it's looking good. We have plans....
Anyways, it's time for bed. Especially since I'm trying to work a 12-hour day tomorrow.....
And just so people know- I HATE anonymous comments. Be yourself, that's all I ask....
Much Love!
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