Notebooks

During the move, I have rediscovered some old notebooks of mine. And I have been pouring through them hungrily. I have been so many different people in my 29 years and have been writing random journals and poetry since I was 8. 21 years of random records of the people I have been. It's fascinating. So I decided that I'm going to share some of my words with anyone who cares to read them. Some have stories behind them, some are very cryptic. Some rhyme, some are rambling half-sentences. Some make sense and some are just silly. But they are all MINE. So here is my first installment in my efforts to "get the word out".

This is a cryptic one that means something to me but may not necessarily mean anything to anyone else. And it's somewhat long. But I'm sharing it anyways. :)

the senseless and abondoneless
meet in a room filled with cigarette smoke
and the scent of coffee that's been brewing for hours
foreign and bold
familiar and comforting
i hear the words that are spoken with deaf ears
there's that girl that broke your heart
i accidentally hurt myself yet didn't realize it until I was healing
now i carry bandaids in my purse
it's been a long time since i've won the game
and even then the game was lost
no promises to give you answers
no questions you've ever asked
i'm cage-dancing in my mind
but not one goddamn person is watching
no one but my alter ego
the other woman that hides inside me
the woman of extremes and waterfalls
tenderness and guilt
do not disembark on the journey without your medallions
of all the conquests you've claimed victory before
accepted and understood in the world you are headed to
implanted is the virus
you flounder and i wonder
then i wander and you give chase
the seams come undone it seems
nobody on the phone
has it all been my fault?
the bottomless pit of disrepair
the power outage of tranquility
been doing it for a while yet just realized I'd been doing it all along
too concerned to tell the truth
innocent love can hurt more
the lonely and saturated can pierce
feel like speaking, feel like being listened to
shaking with the knowledge that i could've been hurt
finances, romances
the sountrack of pornography while reading the Bible
there are people that actually see me
and then there are people that look
do you look or do you see?
chaos doesn't become you
good thing you push me away before I get too close
try not to regret it if you give it a second thought
though the memories are too common
the sordid affair not so sordid after all

Much Love!