My Nightmare

I just barely remembered my nightmare I had last night. It's pretty sick.

I was following a Jeep in my car and we were trying to get through a mountain pass to get home. Someone had warned us about the bad roads on this particular mountain pass. The Jeep in front of me drove into a cave-type place but the road looked like it kept going. All of the sudden, it switched (as dreams tend to do) and me and Sunni (my dog) were walking towards this big gate. There was a legend about how there's a monster that lives behind the gate. In looking at the gate I saw this huge stone monster guy walking towards us. Sunni and I tried to hide behind a wall but the huge stone monster guy turned his head with his gleaming red eyes and stared at us. The next thing I know, the monster guy (who is human now) had Sunni and I couldn't get to her because there was a wall of...... like soccer goal post netting stuff that was blocking me. So I pulled out a lighter and started trying to burn a hole in the netting so I could get to Sunni. He laughed at me and put Sunni up to his mouth and took a bite out of her neck. Then it switched again and I was in a room with my family and some other random people I don't know and the bad guy. He was running around with knives and razors and was cutting everyone up. I was screaming and trying to get away and another person in the room (I don't know who it was) started fighting back but the bad guy stabbed him. There were bodies all over the floor and it was pretty much a blood-bath. The bad guy (who kept changing from a man to a woman back and forth) trapped me against the stairs and with his knives, almost cut my leg off at the knee. He then grabbed a fork and stabbed someone that was dead on the ground and was twisting the fork around in their skin.

And then I woke up. Pretty sick and disturbing, huh? Think maybe I'm a little stressed?

Much Love!

My New Best Friends

Today I have some new best friends. Their names are:

Halls Mentho-Lyptus Cough Drops
Vicks DayQuil
Gatorade
Lipton Soup
Ibu Profen

Yep, lucky me. I slowly drifted out of a deep slumber this morning when I realized that things are not as they should be. I could not swallow without feeling as if there were needles scraping the inside of my throat. I could not get comfortable due to spasming of my uterus (cramps). I just stayed in the fetal position for a while when also trying not to salivate so I wouldn't have to swallow. Finally got a heavy dose of Ibu Profen in my system and called work to say I may not make it in. And then I fell back into a deep and heavy slumber.

And here I am at work......

I realized that if I intend on taking off three days the week after Christmas, I couldn't take more than 4 hours off today. Though my throat hurts and I'm on drugs, I at least mostly feel alive. And capable of working. The sacrifice so that I can be off work for 8 entire days starting on Christmas. What bliss!

My plans for tonight? Hitting the redbox after work to grab a movie or two, throwing on my most comfortable pajamas, making myself a cup of tea, and sitting on the couch staring at the images on the TV screen while sipping on soup broth. That's after I raid Michael's medicine cabinet and steal a Vitamin C pill.

Die, sickness! Die!

Much Love!

This Made Me Temporarily Smile

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Goodbyes

I hate goodbyes. Simply hate them. With my mother living in Kansas for most of my life, you'd think I should be experienced at saying goodbye. Or at least that I should be used to not being around everyone I love whenever I want to. But I haven't and I'm not.

I'm very emotional while writing this. I'm crying at work, which you should all know by now I absolutely abhor.

I had to say goodbye to Emily yesterday. She is leaving on Wednesday for the MTC (Missionary Training Center). And I will not be seeing her for a year and a half. Yes, time passes by so quickly. I know that in my head. But in my heart...... well, that's a different story.

I quickly gave her the Christmas present I made her. She was running out the door. We hugged and I fought the tears and emotions going through me. I lost. I clung to my mom in the kitchen while everyone was bustling around trying to leave for church or head back home to Huntington from the weekend. My mom said "Let's just let it out". And I said "I need to do this alone". But I kept crying. Emily had tears in her eyes and so I couldn't stop. I left and got back to Michael's. I crawled back into bed with him and tried again to not cry. I slept. And I slept some more. (Sleep is my comfort.) Michael went to work. And I let myself go. I cried. I talked to myself. I talked to Emily though she wasn't there. I hugged our dogs. I cried until my stomach hurt and my contacts wouldn't stay in and my face and eyes were flourescent.

And then I cried some more knowing that coming home to Michael and crawling back into bed with him with his arms around me is not happening anymore, either. He is leaving and I will have to say goodbye to him.

There are two VERY important people in my life that I am having to say goodbye to within the space of about 10 days. Did I mention that I hate goodbyes? Two people that helped fill my life and my heart. Obviously, they will still be in my life and my heart. But their absence will be great and my life will feel a little bit more empty. It already does.

So please forgive me if I start posting more boringly emotional blogs. I need to work through the goodbyes. I need to write about the goodbyes and cry about the goodbyes. And I need to share just how much these particular goodbyes are going to hurt. I need to share my pain, I suppose.

Did I mention that I hate goodbyes?

But: At least for tonight I can temporarily put aside my sadness by stuffing my face full of lasagna and cheese bread in between talking-with-my-mouth-full conversations with a good good friend. Blessed distractions.

Much Love!

A Moment Of Truth

There are some people that run through life constantly criticizing themselves and beating themselves down. There are some people that run through life never admitting their wrongs and believing they could walk on water if they tried. I am neither of these people.

I am not an unhappy person. I don't hate myself or my life. But I also can admit my faults and accept the negative things that come with me. And today I'm admitting something that is a little hard for me to admit, but no less the truth for it.

I have become the crazy, angry girlfriend. Or maybe I have been all along but just now actually noticed it. I'm not sure. Either way, the truth is that I have been mean to Michael recently. Picking fights, slamming doors, etc. When we are doing well, we are doing REALLY well. But when we are doing bad, we are doing REALLY bad. Our relationship has always been intense. A lot of ups and downs. It seems as if we live in one extreme or the other and I'm not sure that we are capable of just living in between.

What I mean by that is this: I have a friend that I'll just call "L". L and her ex-boyfriend T were constantly fighting. I have been witness to some of their blowouts and let me tell you, it's quite the dramatic event. They could have sold tickets to their fights! I remember looking at them one time and wondering why in the world they were still together. Yes, there were happy times in their relationship. I just thought it was odd that they hung on as long as they did since they fought so much, and fought so strongly. I came to the conclusion that they brought out the worst in each other. As much as they loved each other, it wouldn't ever work due to this fact. They simply were not good together. And I am finally realizing that Michael and I are in a similar relationship.

He does some things that make me angry and/or sad. But my way of dealing with the anger and/or sadness has not been healthy recently. I completely flip out. It's like I'm not capable of tampering down the explosion. He doesn't deserve for me to treat him like that. Just as I don't deserve to be hurt in the same way, time after time.

I'm sure you've all heard of the song "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough", right? Michael and I do love each other. There's not a doubt in either of our minds about that fact. But is it enough? I can't control my temper. He can't control his priorities. It's the same story over and over again. I'm tired of being angry at him and hurting him. I'm tired of him being angry at me and hurting me. To put it bluntly, I'm not good for him anymore. I beat him down more than I make him happy. I hate it, but it's there. And it seems that no matter how hard I try to change it, I can't. Which then boils down to the fact that Michael and I are now bringing out the worst in each other.

Throw onto the whole deal that he is moving to Montana at the end of the month. So it seems a little silly that I am getting all crazy on him when he's leaving anyways.

Needless to say, I have some issues that I need to work on for myself. Not work on for Michael, not work on for my family or friends, but work on for myself. I've been a little unstable pretty much this whole year and I owe it to myself to regain my sense of stability. Or at least learn how to deal with instability better without resorting to the mentioned anger issues. I need to get back to focusing on the internal Jessica and start from there. I can't treat other people well until I start treating myself well. I need to get away from the drama-queen attitude I've been living with lately. I need to, as they say, "Take a chill pill". I need to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself when my life is actually quite good.

So there you have it. A moment of truth and honesty. I love Michael and Michael loves me, but sometimes love just ain't enough. We both deserve better.

Much Love!

Christmas Story Rip-Off

'Twas the day after Thanksgiving and all through my parent's house

Every creature was stirring though we already ate the mouse

All the leftovers stuffed in the refrigerator with care

In the hopes that I'd eat them, and maybe even share

The children were downstairs playing the Wii

While visions of bowling kept coming to me

And mom in her kitchen chair and her hands in her lap

Had just woken up from a Black Friday nap

While inside the bathroom I heard such a clatter

Zipping up my pants wondered what was the matter

Away to the front room I flew like a flash

Tore open the door and suffered whiplash

The lights in the kitchen were starting to glow

Shining flourescent rays on the people below

And what to my wondering eyes should appear?

But my brother that lives in Kansas standing right here!

Okay, enough of the poem. Basically, yes. My brother surprised us with a visit. He got in the day after Thanksgiving and left two days later on Sunday. My sister's farewell was on Sunday and he wanted to be here for that. It was awesome! When I saw him I couldn't even believe what I was seeing! A complete surprise, and a very happy one at that. Me, my brother, older sister, and brother-in-law were able to sneak away for some bowling on Saturday. From eating food at our Mongolian family's house on Wednesday (there's a story to that) to going to a movie with the family, to Thanksgiving dinner with the family, to running errands, to spending time with my brother, to going to Emily's open-mic show, to her farewell. It was a busy busy weekend and I absolutely enjoyed every second of it. Except for when I had to leave Emily's farewell early due to food poisoning and spending the next few hours alternating between vomitting and crying. That part wasn't so fun. Note to self- NEVER AGAIN reheat seafood pasta.

On top of that- I know what I'm doing for Christmas presents this year. See, I like to make things. I don't like to go to the store and buy someone for something that they could just buy themselves if they wanted. So my gifts are all sentimental or homemade- or both. Michael and I went to a store and browsed around and I know what I'm doing! I can't say what here as some of these gift-receivers read my blog. But it's splendid!

Anyways, I better get some work done. Sorry for the somewhat boring blog. Just wanted to get an update on my weekend in, I suppose.

One more thing- I figured out that I have enough time off for three days at the end of the month. I am on the work calendar for time off. So basically, I will leave work on Christmas Eve and not come back until January 2nd. Wahoo!! I have no plans to speak of, but it will be great to not be at work for an entire 8 days!

Much Love!