Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Insomnia The Sequel

So I sit here again after battling with sleep. When it really boils down to it, I am weak and my desire to sleep never kicks the ass of my inability to sleep. The side-affects of having an active mind. Time for bed? NOPE! The brain decides to keep on churning out its chaotic butter. Damn the active mind!

The door is cracking and the ceiling is creaking. My dog is snoring and I'm not sleeping.

I am in love with the thought of being in love. But only the thought of it. The reality of it terrifies me. I am content with my apartment and my dog and my sole control of the remote and my ability to keep the heat how I want it and the lights glowing until it's bedtime. I am strong and able and confident being alone. And I am in love with the THOUGHT of being in love..... Complications galore, my dears.

I dream crazy dreams where people combine into one. Many people in my life combined into one person. Or many people in my life where in my dream they keep changing characters. It's this person, and then that person, and then this other person, and then that new person, and then... you get the point. A friend told me that I'm trying to create the perfect person in my dreams. That the changing people, or combined people, mean that I'm trying to take the best parts of everyone and making them one perfect person. The truth? I have no idea. Dreams are just dreams. Everyone thinks differently so how can one person's dream have the same meaning as another's?

Okay, so speaking of dreaming- I am now going to try again to sleep. And dream my crazy dreams.

I was going to apologize for the random blog, but it's MY blog and if you read it- you read it for a reason. Including my crazy sleep-deprived attempts at forming a thought.

Much Love!

Thursday, December 3, 2009


It's 2:11 AM as I start to blog. I've been trying to sleep for the past two hours, and sleep is playing a mind-reader's game of hide and seek. It hides, all I can seem to do is seek. So after lying there turning from my left side, to my right side, to my stomach, to my back, and over and over again, I realize that sleep is not cuddling up to me tonight and I may as well share my nightime meanderings.

Utah feels weird. All the sights are familiar. All the people are comfortable. I've got some new furniture, but an old soul. I've got some new neighbors, but the same old story. Jessica. Single. Alone. Independent. Looking for something to fill the hole inside me.

On that last statement, I will now go further. I don't know what my "meaning" is in life. I don't know what role I am supposed to fill. I keep trying and will never give up on anything that I feel is important enough to strive for. But what is it that I really desire? Sometimes it just seems like I float through life with no ambition, or motivation, or knowledge. As I've stated before, I took a chance with moving to Montana. And if felt good. It really did. But is picking up my life and moving everytime I feel unsettled the way to go? Do I just bounce around from city to city, town to town, state to state? Just hoping that I finally find that feeling of belonging? That feeling of peace? That feeling of I'm where I'm supposed to be?

I think that's why it was so easy to move to Montana. I was bored in Utah. I wanted an adventure. I wanted to actually take a risk in this life that has always been so predictable for me. I wanted an excuse and reason to do something MORE. And now here I am, back in Utah. Back where everything is boring and comfortable and predictable.....

Lack of slumber, lack of emotion, lack of culpability. I'm lacking, if you will.

Who the hell am I? Am I Jessica the friend? Am I Jessica the family member? Am I Jessica the ex-girlfriend? Am I Jessica the dog-owner? Am I Jessica the initiated? Am I Jessica the explorer? Am I Jessica the gambler? Am I Jessica the lone wolf? Am I Jessica the writer? Am I Jessica the sacrifice? Am I Jessica the hopeless? Am I Jessica the hopeful?

I have no idea. I want to find myself, but how does one go about doing that? The typical response would be "spend time alone", but I already do that (and have been doing it for the past 7 years or more). I guess that in the middle of this December night, I'm praying to a God I don't necessarily believe in that I can find a way to live a life I actually want. A life that's MINE. A life that will satisfy me. A life that doesn't include or exclude anyone or anything. A life that fulfills. Please, I'm praying. I need to get a life. (Pun intended.)

I will wake up tomorrow and work my 8 hours of work. I will watch my TV show. I will talk to people on the phone and/or over text. I will go to the store to replenish my groceries since I've been cooking a lot. I will pet my dog. I will say hello and be cheerful to anyone that I come across. I will put together the two bookshelves that my Mom D gave me for early Christmas. I will unpack the rest of my boxes. I will feel proud that my apartment looks good. I will walk around in a T-shirt with no bra, and boxer shorts, when I'm officially home for the night. I will make myself lunch. I will do the dishes. I will check CNN to see if anything interesting is happening in the world. I will put a piece of paper through my shredder since it makes me smile. I will look into what I'm wanting to do for Christmas and hope there is time to finish it. I will spend money on something that is needed to complete said Christmas presents. I will put my clean pants in their respective spots in my closet. I will update my Facebook status. I will take a shower and brush my teeth. I will drink a bunch of glasses of milk. All this will be done tomorrow, and it doesn't mean much of anything to me. Because I am lost.

The crazy thing about it all is that though I do miss Michael, I don't think about him very much. Out of sight, out of mind. Horrible, I know. The end of a 2-year relationship should have more of an impact on me. I mean it does, but it doesn't. I suppose most of that is that I wasn't ever his Number One and I always knew it. So I suppose I prepared myself for this, expected it even. When you expect something to happen and it does, it's hard to feel shocked or amazed, or even completely sad about it. Damn, that's a hard one to explain. Because I do feel sad, but I don't. Blah on that subject. Emotional complications galore.

I want to learn to play the guitar. I want to write my book. I want to groom dogs. I want to walk on the beach. I want to go on a cruise. I want to lose weight. I want to shoot my 9mm. I want to get a new "look". I want to listen continually to the cast of "Glee" on youtube. I want to find my MP3 player. I want to staple papers together. I want to find a perfume that I love. I want to sing karaoke without feeling ashamed. I want to stop doing everything for other people. I want to love someone that loves me back just as much. I want to get a second dog. I want.....

Okay. This blog is getting way too long. I just CAN'T SLEEP. I'm going to take Sunni on a walk around the cemetary that I live across the street from. And think think think think think think think think think think.

Not just temporary satisfaction, but long term contentment....... Who is Jessica and what does she really want from life?

Much Love!