Monday, November 23, 2009


I firmly believe that none of us will ever know the impact that we have had on other people and their lives. I will always think about numerous people that affected me and meant something to me in one way or another. And I'm pretty sure that none of those people could imagine that they still exist in the occasional thought of mine.

Friends, relationships, acquaintences. Some good, some bad. But those people helped make me who I am today and I will never forget them. Ever. And I wish that I could tell some of those people just how much they meant to me, and just how much importance they actually did have in my life.

Due to the wonder of modern technology (aka: the internet) and of modern websites (aka: Facebook), I have been fortunate to get back in contact with some of those people. And I have been able to communicate to them just how much they meant to me, and will always mean to me.

And there is a flip side to that.

I am being amazed. People that I thought I was just another face in the crowd to are opening up. I am getting closure on some things. I am being reminded of so many good times that I have forgotten about. And I am getting reminded over and over again that I am and always will be loved. It's completely blowing my mind, to be honest.

There are people that I knew from years and years ago that were so extremely important to me. I loved them. And amazingly enough, I am constantly being made to see that I wasn't just a little blip on their radar. That their love for me was equal to my love for them. It wasn't just a one-way street. I know that it may be silly to even think that it was ever that way, anways. But I think we all have a bad habbit of diminishing our importance to other people.

I may not be communicating very clearly what I'm trying to say, and I apologize.

The point that I'm trying to make is this: Just as I hold people close to my heart, those same people hold me close to their hearts. And for that, I am honored.

Much Love!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Signs? Omens? Chances?

So here I sit in my home office for the next week. And then I'll have a new home office. Decisions had to be made.

I believe that we all have energy, and the energy we have is stronger than anyone can even imagine. I also believe that using that energy when it comes to making choices can show you the way. Or at least lead you in a certain direction.

When I was deciding whether to move to Montana or not, I saw all sorts of signs. I kept an open mind and kept my eyes open. There's a long list of things that made themselves apparent to me that Montana was the way for me to go. And though it's ended, it's ended well. I've had a great time out here in Montana, seen some amazing things, met some wonderful people. I have NO regrets on moving here. Not one.

So in figuring out where to go and what to do NOW, I've again been keeping an open mind and keeping my eyes open. And the new signs are all around. Certain names continually popping up, certain places, certain thoughts. Even people are having a crazy influence on my situation.

I am moving back to Salt Lake. For now. I have a storage unit that needs going through, I have some other things to take care of in Utah. Until I move again.

Things came together for me. I found an apartment in one day that will allow me to have Sunni and have a 6-month lease. I got all the utilities scheduled for hooking up in one day. The U-haul trailer is a LOT cheaper than originally assumed. My car has a ton of brand new stuff so it's been reborn and ready to drive to Salt Lake. Michael is gone this weekend which gives me the whole time to have the house to myself and pack. I marvel about how smoothly this is all happening. It truly blows my mind.

But I only intend on staying in Salt Lake for the 6 months. I am single, with nothing tying me down anywhere. I am lucky enough to work from home where I can simply pick up and move without any complications with my job. And I feel nomadic. Staying in one place for too long holds no appeal to me. At least staying in Salt Lake for too long holds no appeal. I've lived there pretty much all of my life. And though Salt Lake will always be "home", it no longer draws me or makes me feel like that is where my life is to be lived.

You see, I have evolved. I have taken a step out of my comfort zone and found that I LOVE the challenge. I love doing something that I never expected I would do. I love experiencing different things instead of just "knowing" how things are going to be. So I am taking chances. I refuse to be stuck. I have blogged before about feeling stuck. That's Utah to me. Stuck. And I hate stuck.

I am going to LIVE my life, instead of just having one. In 6 months, you'll find me somewhere else. Because I'm reading the signs.

Much Love!

Sunday, November 15, 2009


By the way- I am back.

Much Love!

The Game

I am just recently single and have NO desire to date right now. The thought of dating makes me want to wretch. Sometimes it just seems so futile- you date, you fall in love, you move in, you move out of state for them, you get dumped on your ass. What's the point of the two years you spent with them? But.... you learn, you love, you have good (and bad) memories, you connect with someone for a little while. And then it's all gone and you have to rebuild your own life. Which sucks. BUT.... you did learn, you did love, you do have new memories, you did connect with someone.....

Let's face it, there are always little parts of yourself that you change/lose/adapt/compromise/etc when in a relationship. So you don't like to talk on the phone, but your significant other feels they need that. You end up making an exception and talk on the phone to them. You don't like a certain type of movie, but they REALLY want to see it. So you sacrifice and go to the overpriced movie theater, buy overpriced popcorn and an overpriced Coke, and see the movie with them. You don't feel cared for enough and need a little bit more. So they adapt and give you more attention. See? It's all a battle. A personal effort. And then when its taken away?

You rebuild yourself as a single person. You go back to those traits that you could only enjoy as a single person without having to worry about anyone else. You resort to thinking "who in the world was I?" when realizing just how much you were willing to sacrifice for that someone. And then you transform into someone else. Not necessarily a "selfish" person, but a person who only has themself. I am only me now. I make my own choices with no outside influence or worry. I do whatever I want to do without having to "report" to anyone. And since it's so fresh and new, it's lonely. I don't WANT to only think about myself. I don't WANT to do what's good for me and only me. But I will. Yes, I will.....

At this stage of life, I'm exhausted by doing so much on my own. A partnership should be equal. Equal responsibilities, equal chores, equal sacrifice, equal caring, equal respect. And I really mean ALL of those things (and more) should be equal. Sure, date the "responsible" guy, but where does that really leave you emotionally? Empty. That's it. Empty.

I'm not empty.

I was loved as much as He could possibly love me. And I'm proud of that and happy with that. But equally as sad is that He couldn't love me enough. But that's okay. In my own way, I didn't love him enough, either.

So life is give and take, losses and gains. If we stop playing, there's no way to ever win. It's as simple as that.

I was hurt and heartbroken. I am still hurt and heartbroken. But I'm oddly content with this hurt and heartbreak. It reminds me that I should never ever get too comfortable. That there is always going to be work to do in a relationship. That just loving someone is never enough. And that I should never sacrifice too much of myself for a small little hope of something more. I'm not worth giving up.

Sorry for all the comtemplation. I've just had a lot of thoughts in my head and writing them down (or "typing" them down) relieves some of my brain tension.

As Annie says "The sun will come out tomorrow".

Much Love!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Books And Other Things

I read a LOT. And it's mostly the dumb non-fiction murder mysteries and the like. And I have a theory about reading.

It's sad.

Because I read so fast that I get involved in another world and get excited to get back to that other world during work breaks, or on weekends, etc.

But since I'm such a fast reader, it's done. And when I finish a book, I feel at a loss for a bit. I liked that dreamworld that I existed in for the time that I was there. I liked the images that came into my mind and the worlds I imagined. I liked the knowledge that I was safe in my own comfortable little world while reading about people that were going through some traumatic situations. And then it's over and done and it makes me sad.

Keep in mind that I'd rather read a book than watch TV (with the exception of my two shows I watch which total an entire TWO hours during the whole week). I devour words and books like I'm a starving Bohemian thirsting for a drink. I prefer to imagine my own worlds, which can be done with books. Instead of SEE a world that someone else has created for you with watching movies.

Granted, I LOVE my movies. So maybe I'm not making sense.....

I love the fact that by reading a book, I can still use my imagination. Adults apparently forget how to use that. By reading a book, I have to imagine the neighborhood, what the people look like, what the police station looks like, etc. I get to be a kid again, in my own way. And I will never give that up.

But.... my point is that I love reading so much that I feel sadness when I finish a good book. Because it's over.

But..... on the other hand- sometimes things are better off being "over". Michael and I have broken up. We are friends, but not together due to some actually ridiculous circumstances. Which is okay.

I need to fly. I need to stop caring so much about someone else that I put my own life on hold for them. That I follow that person to some crazy small town and all that. I don't regret what I've done for a second. I really don't. I've had a great time and enjoyed some new things and taken a chance. And Michael and I will always love each other in our own way. Yet.... I need to fly.

And I like having wings.

Much Love!