Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Decorating Contest

One of our "activities" for the month of October is a row decorating contest. Decorating it up for Halloween and in time for all the kiddies to come through trick-or-treating. There were four entries. Which one do you think should have won?

Row 1:

Row 2:

Row 3:

Row 4:

I personally believe that ROW 4 should have won. That's MY row. That I alone personally decorated. And my decorating is the most original out of all of them. Did you see it? Did you see why it's the best? It's SO completely obvious.

I'll give you a closer look:

An orange Mento! I got into the spirit of Halloween SO much. I mean, Mentos are one of the few candies that I actually enjoy. And I sacrificed my last orange Mento for the cause. We totally should have won.....

Much Love!

Intelligent Design?

I have always thought of myself as a bit more intelligent than the average American. I'm definately no genius and I'm definately not a LOT more intelligent. Just a little bit. My father is a pretty smart dude. My mother is a pretty smart chica. My siblings are all quite the intellectuals. Though I do have to say that my brother is probably the smartest of us all. He's a civil engineer who actually got a full-ride scholarship to college due to his excellent brain. So yah, I have the good brain genes going for me. In high school I would never do my homework, but ace all of the tests. So my graduating GPA was 3.5. Not bad considering I spent 0% of my high school career studying. My ACT score came back with a combined 28. The average is 22-24. I received certificates in excelling at "Science Reasoning", "English", and the combined score. My job is a complicated one that requires almost perfection and extreme attention to detail dealing with numbers. I have always loved Math, so it's perfect for me. And I'm just not capable of having a job where I don't feel challenged.

I never went to college. At first, I just didn't have the desire. Then as the years went on, I didn't have the financing. As I was living with my Kansas mom at the time, I didn't qualify based on my own salary. They based it off my parent's salary. Even though I claimed myself on my taxes, had a full time job, etc. My Kansas mom and dad made too much for me to get a student loan that would be enough to cover the required amount. So I gave up.

I'm still constantly challenged at work. Those closest to me are intelligent people themselves, which also challenges me. I prefer reading over watching TV. I prefer deep and ponderous discussions rather than mundane silly conversations. Most of the time, at least. But.....

I can feel my brain draining. I can tell that I'm losing some of the smarts I once had. I use what is in my brain, but don't practice using brain matter that isn't constantly active. It's like muscles. Without exercise they lose their power. Without exercising my brain, I'm losing brain power. And that is killing me.

I would rather be smart than beautiful. I would rather have an intelligent conversation than have men gawk at me. I always have, and I believe that I always will.

So the question is: How in the world do I exercise that part of my brain that doesn't consist of numbers? How do I gain further knowledge in different aspects when I don't have an outlet for the knowledge? How do I educate myself on things that won't be graded, reviewed, or assessed? Reading creates knowledge, I know that much. But what to read? Do I just sign up for a new library card and run around grabbing history books and philosophy books and religious books and psychology/sociology/zoology books?

I'm not losing my potential for intelligence. I'm just losing some of the intelligence I once had. I'd like to build that back up, if possible.

I'm cute, but not beautiful. So I damn well better be intelligent.

Much Love!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


During the move, I have rediscovered some old notebooks of mine. And I have been pouring through them hungrily. I have been so many different people in my 29 years and have been writing random journals and poetry since I was 8. 21 years of random records of the people I have been. It's fascinating. So I decided that I'm going to share some of my words with anyone who cares to read them. Some have stories behind them, some are very cryptic. Some rhyme, some are rambling half-sentences. Some make sense and some are just silly. But they are all MINE. So here is my first installment in my efforts to "get the word out".

This is a cryptic one that means something to me but may not necessarily mean anything to anyone else. And it's somewhat long. But I'm sharing it anyways. :)

the senseless and abondoneless
meet in a room filled with cigarette smoke
and the scent of coffee that's been brewing for hours
foreign and bold
familiar and comforting
i hear the words that are spoken with deaf ears
there's that girl that broke your heart
i accidentally hurt myself yet didn't realize it until I was healing
now i carry bandaids in my purse
it's been a long time since i've won the game
and even then the game was lost
no promises to give you answers
no questions you've ever asked
i'm cage-dancing in my mind
but not one goddamn person is watching
no one but my alter ego
the other woman that hides inside me
the woman of extremes and waterfalls
tenderness and guilt
do not disembark on the journey without your medallions
of all the conquests you've claimed victory before
accepted and understood in the world you are headed to
implanted is the virus
you flounder and i wonder
then i wander and you give chase
the seams come undone it seems
nobody on the phone
has it all been my fault?
the bottomless pit of disrepair
the power outage of tranquility
been doing it for a while yet just realized I'd been doing it all along
too concerned to tell the truth
innocent love can hurt more
the lonely and saturated can pierce
feel like speaking, feel like being listened to
shaking with the knowledge that i could've been hurt
finances, romances
the sountrack of pornography while reading the Bible
there are people that actually see me
and then there are people that look
do you look or do you see?
chaos doesn't become you
good thing you push me away before I get too close
try not to regret it if you give it a second thought
though the memories are too common
the sordid affair not so sordid after all

Much Love!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Halloween and Stuff

I love Halloween. I always have and I always will. Now that I'm older, it's for the fun parties and dressing up like a complete slut and having it be socially acceptable. But when I was younger.......
My step-mom is an excellent seamstress, and very very creative. So a month or two before Halloween, we'd decide what we wanted to be and by Halloween we would have these amazing costumes that nobody else had since they were homemade! For example, one year I decided that I wanted to be a Black Widow Spider. I'm not sure why. But that's what I wanted to be. So my mom made me an awesome costume. I had all these legs poking out all around me and the appropriate red marks on the belly and back. It was awesome! Until I knocked Larissa Larson's punch over with one of my legs. She got mad at me and I felt dumb. Until I remembered that I was wearing the coolest costume EVER.
I never wanted to be something cute. I always wanted to be something scary. I know that a lot of little girls want to be princesses and fairies and things of that sort. I just wanted to be dark. I've decided to make a list of the cool Halloween costumes that my mom made for me.


-Witch (for a few years)

-Black Widow Spider


-Car Accident Victim

-Dead Bride

Then I grew up a bit and found random things to wear- just so I was wearing SOMETHING that would still permit my teenage self to get candy.

And then I grew up even more and now focus on the skimpy slutty costumes. The one day a year where it's socially acceptable to dress like a prostitute, as I've noted before. My costume this year is camoflauge-style slut. I tried it on for Michael last night, and let's just say that he likes it.......

So....... what was YOUR favorite costume from childhood? Mine will always be the spider. Share your favorites with me.

Much Love!

P.S. If ONE more person yells at me on the phone today, I'm leaving work early. I don't deserve to be treated like that.

Friday, October 24, 2008


Note to self: Do not push Chad while loosely holding change for a Mountain Dew. Inevitabely, said Chad will fling his arm back at you. Which will jar loose the change. Which will then fly at a very high velocity and hit you hard (and loudly) in the head.


Much Love!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

October 23rd, 2007

No, I didn't get the date wrong. I'm writing about the events of October 23rd, 2007. This is how my day went a year ago tomorrow:

I got dressed up all pretty. Nice slacks, a nice button-up shirt, nice shoes. I didn't wear a hat, which is unual for me around this time of year. I proceeded to come in to work and put in a couple of hours. Then I left for a long lunch. I went down the street a ways and walked into a building. In that building, I heard the following (not in the same wording AT ALL):

"Your sentencing is as follows:

20 mandatory outpatient substance abuse classes

104 self-help AA meetings

Random drug and alcohol testing

16-hour Prime For Life DUI class

1-hour Freeway Watch meeting

48 hours of community service in liu of 2 days in jail

$1400 file

Interlock device installed in vehicle

Monthly supervised probation

Alcohol restricted license for the next 2 years

We will see you back here in 90 days to review your case."

Yep, that was October 23rd, 2007. Not a good day for me. But October 23rd, 2008 will be much better!

I have done my time and satisfied all my probationary requirements. And though I was previously released from my more intrusive "supervised probation", starting tomorrow I can get rid of the word "probation" in any sense of the word from my vocabulary. No probationary status. No worries of probation violation. Not under probation, or on probation. No probationary period.

Probation? What's that?

Much Love!

Monday, October 20, 2008


Maybe you have noticed, or maybe you haven't. But I don't blog about serious things in my life very much. Mostly because I'm not ready to reveal them to the world, or I'm not sure about them yet, or whatever. But some things are happening that I need to get off my chest. So here are some major things going on in my life (and the life of others).

Arizona. My little sister Emily got her mission call and opened it last night. I was supposed to be there, but spaced it since I was curled into a ball all day due to cramps. (TMI?) Tucson, Arizona. This is something that I have avoided talking about and thinking about. I love my entire family. I am very lucky since they really are all amazing people that I'm honestly close to. I don't have to pretend to like any of them. But Emily..... I was 8 years old when Emily was born and at that age, all I wanted to do was be her second mommy. I would try to beat my mom to Emily's crib when she was crying in the night. I'd hang out with Emily all the time. So there's this feeling that I have for Emily that I don't have with any of my other siblings. Including my older brother and sister who I grew up with. And Emily is leaving. I have mixed feelings. I do not consider myself a member of the LDS church. I don't follow the teachings and don't believe in those beliefs. But I have always been of the attitude of letting people be who they are and believe what they want- and support them in that. So I am so extremely proud of Emily for choosing to go on a mission. It's going to be such an exciting thing for her and I truly believe that she will have a great time and strengthen her views and beliefs. Which is excellent. But on the flip side- I don't want her to go. It's hard for me to imagine family dinners without her being there. It's hard for me to imagine not being able to call or text her whenever I feel like it. There's going to be a big piece of our family missing for a year and a half. And though it's for a good thing, it's still hard. And the thing is- she's leaving December 17th for the MTC. What in the world is Christmas going to be without her? And my hell- that's less than 2 months away! I need to adjust.

Montana. If things go the way they are looking, I'll be moving. Most likely to Montana. Michael is getting transferred and he's supposed to find out today where he is headed. And I have decided to go with him. The only possible problem is that some friends of his want to move to Montana, too. That in itself isn't the problem. I'd be glad that Michael would have some friends with him. The problem is that they may need a place to live for a while. Going from living by myself for 4 years to living with another person and another dog is an adjustment in itself. But there's absolutely no way that I could stand to live with Michael, 2 grown adults, two teenagers, two kids, an infant, FOUR dogs and some cats. I would NOT be able to stand it. So if Michael makes the decision to live with them, even until they get on their feet, I'm not going. When I say it like that, it makes me sound like I'm making him choose between them and me. Which is absolutely not the case. If I knew that I would be okay with all those people around, I would be absolutely fine with helping them out. But I know for a fact that there's no possible way that I could remain sane in that environment. I'm used to quiet. I'm used to my alone time. I'm used to walking around in my underwear. I hate interruptions and distractions and noise. And I'm a borderline insomniac. Do you see my dilema? So depending on whether this family finds a way to help themselves, I may or may not be moving. To Montana.

So there you have it. Two very big things that have been preying on my mind that I needed to just get out. I'm on shaky ground right now with my emotions. I'm fighting the stress that is trying to build up inside me. I'm taking herbal supplement type meds to help out with certain aspects of my psyche that need some fine-tuning. I keep alternating between feeling excited and optimistic, to feeling terrified and hopeless. At work I'm either pushing myself harder and harder, or sitting and staring out the window. I just really need to know what my immediate future holds. I can't prepare for it when it's unknown. I'm a coward when it comes to change until it happens. Once the change happens, I'm able to acclimate very well and adapt and adjust. But right now- when I know Emily is leaving but she hasn't gone yet- and when I know Michael is leaving with or without me but he/we haven't gone yet- this is when my anxiety comes out and parades itself down the Main Street of my mind.

Comfort food. Soup. That's what I need.

Much Love!

Friday, October 17, 2008


The following is a conversation that I heard today as I was walking into my office building.

Lady 1- "Are you serious?"

Lady 2- "Yep. Can you believe she said that?"

L1- "What a bitch. Do you think any of it is true? I know she is trying to come between them, but COULD he be cheating?"

L2- "No way. I totally don't get that vibe from him. You know?"

L1- "Maybe. I just don't trust men. Any man. Not after what Jeff put me through."

L2- Laughs. "Yah, I know what you mean. He was such a dick. You are SO better off without him."

L1- "I know. So should we tell Sarah what Jenny said? Or should be just pretend we never heard anything and see what happens on Saturday?"

L2- "Let's let it be for now. But I'm going to keep my eye on him at the party to see how he acts. And if he hurts Sarah, I'll cut off his balls."

And then I got on the elevator and missed the rest of the conversation. So what I took from it is that L1 and L2 are friends with Sarah who is with some guy. Rumors about the guy cheating are apparently being spread by Jenny who is trying to come between them. And L1 was cheated on by someone named Jeff.

The thing that gets me, the reason I'm even blogging about it is because I didn't hear this conversation going on between two people in person. L1 was talking on her cell phone with L2. ON SPEAKER! Why in the world would you have a conversation like that and keep it on speakerphone????? L1 was walking to the building as I was and was just holding her phone in front of her and having the above conversation. WHAT????? As admitted to before, I'm a voyer and like to hear other people's conversations. But only when I make the effort to do it. I don't like it being shoved down my throat. I just don't understand why someone wouldn't think that maybe, just maybe, that's a conversation that would be better left private.

But.... it also gives me an idea. I'm thinking it would be fun to have certain conversations on speaker-phone in public. About bodily functions. Or explicit details of someone's sex life. Or how the "operation" went. Or about the status of a rash. Or about the results of an STD test and if it is treatable. Or any other tabboo subject that no decent or sane person would talk about loudly on speaker-phone in public......

Monday, October 13, 2008

It's Monday

Meaning I'm too busy to write much. So I will share three videos that make me laugh. (Keep in mind that I have a odd and childish sense of humor.)



Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I Can't Stop It

Sometimes things pop out of my mouth that I have no intention on actually saying. Not really mean or bad things, either. Just silly things that really would be better off not being said. Or at least I'd seem less odd and less insane if I'd keep my trap shut. For example:

I just got off the phone with a policyholder. (I work for an insurance company, if you didn't already know that.) This particular policyholder is a MALE policyholder. He was worried about a claim that he didn't need to worry about. So I literally said to him:

"Don't worry your pretty little head about it."

?????? WHAT ??????

Much Love!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I Am A Mass Murderer

Yep, it's true.

I've been dedicating a minimum of an hour a day to cleaning up and moving stuff since I gave my notice. Since I'm throwing away so much, it's actually going pretty well. But then I got to the bathroom.....

First of all, the lighting in my bathroom is horrible. There's an itsy bitsy light that doesn't brighten much and a corner where they randomly threw the toilet that is dark and gloomy. It has always been dark and gloomy, but.....

Imagine what one would find when cleaning the darkened corners of the bathroom that hasn't been used in over two months.....

How about a billion of these:

I had been grabbing things off the floor that were haphazardly thrown there by the landlady and cleaning people during the whole construction fiasco when I noticed movement. Further scrutiny uncovered a giant pregnant spider that had almost attacked my hand. Now spiders aren't a big fear of mine. I don't LIKE them, per say, but I don't hate or fear them either. Unless they are HUGE and scary- and pregnant. Fortunately for me, I had a can of Raid on the kitchen counter due to previous spider infestations. The joys of living in a dark basement apartment....

Anyways, so I zapped the giant pregnant spider with a tiny bit of Raid in order to disorient it so that it wasn't able to cling to the towel and/or progress further towards my hand in vengeance. It was huge enough that it made an audible THUNK when it hit the floor. The idea was to squash it immediately after hitting the floor since I feel absolutely horrible by letting spiders die a long painful death from Raid suffocation. But, just after the audible THUNK, my cell phone rang. It was the people that were there to pick up my entertainment center that I so artistically illustrated yesterday. They came and picked up the entertainment center with my assistance since my muscles are so huge. I immediately went back to the dark and gloomy bathroom to find that the huge giant pregnant spider was no longer visable.....

I used the bottom of the can of Raid to squash around through things before picking them up to dispose of them. Into the bag more and more items go, still invisible is the giant pregnant spider. I grabbed the handle of a basket I had used for the toilet bowl cleaning brush and toilet bowl cleaner- and it lunged. Okay, it didn't actually lunge. But it did suddenly appear and with its enormous body started making its way towards my hand yet again. I immediately dropped the basket on the ground and watched as it climbed around with its long demonic legs. And then noticed MORE movement from ANOTHER dark corner, which also happened to be a spider. Not as large and not as obviously pregnant, but equally jarring. At this point, aware that I had probably just invaded a pit of arachnids, I blew. Needless to say, I emptied the entire can of Raid in the area and left.

I'm sure tonight I will find huge piles of spiders bodies as I return to the room of doom and gloom. I am a mass murderer.

Much Love!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Bag Lady

Moving is a big giant pain. I assure you. And it's an even bigger pain when you aren't capable of throwing anything away. Until you need to move and get angry at how much crap you have accumulated since moving in to your apartment. I have BAGS and BAGS of just crap that I'm throwing away. I have BAGS and BAGS of crap that I'm giving to the DI. I have BAGS and BAGS of clothing and things like that which is all heading over to Michael's. Basically, I'm the bag lady.

And here is my extremely crude drawing of an entertainment center that I am giving away for free. Which actually looks nothing like the actual entertainment center itself. But I've been sending it in response to inquiries, anyways. Because I'm crazy like that.

Final thing for any Family Guy fans: Haven't you heard? Bird is the word.

Much Love!

Thursday, October 2, 2008


So today I was walking down the hallway at work to go to the bathroom, as I've been known to do. And a random thought popped into my head. It said "There's something funny about the butt of these pants."

As I have been living out of a suitcase for the past 2 months, I haven't carried around all my clothes. Obviously. So I've been packing around a few pairs of jeans and left the others at my apartment. In packing up my clothes to bring to Michael's, I have rediscovered all my other billion pairs of jeans. Seriously, how many jeans does one person need? As I can't own jeans and have them go to waste, I have been wearing the other lonely jeans in for the past two days.

Yesterday as I was leaving Michael's (soon to just be called "home") in the morning, a random though popped into my head saying "There's something funny about the legs of these pants." But Michael was sleeping and I was already out the door. So I just left. When I got to work, I looked dow and sure enough, I remembered exactly WHY I didn't tow these particular pants around. The last time I wore them, I noticed that the bottom hem was ripped and hanging. I stepped on the hem to rip off part of it, and it did more than that. It ripped off the whole bottom and then ripped up the leg a bit. So I walked around yesterday with a severe case of pants that looked like bell-bottom floods.

(Not mine below)

Back to my butt. The seam in the back is off. You know what I'm talking about- the seam that is supposed to go up the crack. It's off. It's more on one cheek than in the middle. And it bothers me. It's not like it's a big deal. Unless someone is doing a careful examination of my butt, they wouldn't even notice. But I do.

My point is- moving is a good thing as it forces you to get rid of the junk and crap and pants that you don't wear for a reason. And a giant box of stuffed animals that have no memories attached to them. Not even one small memory.....

Much Love!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A Ghost Story

I have decided that Michael's house is haunted. I know that some people scoff at the idea of ghosts, spirits, leftover energy, whatever you want to call them. And everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But my opinion is that there are such things as the supernatural and there's something in Michael's house. Hear me out.

There have been a few times that I have actually heard someone talking to me while I am almost asleep. It's been a whisper here and there, and an actual quiet voice here and there. It doesn't scare me, it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable or anything like that, so I don't even mind it. Which may sound wierd considering that something is talking to me when I'm at Michael's house alone. But I just don't get a bad feeling about it.

With my whole living situation, Michael and I have decided to cohabitate. Live together. I'm moving in. (Wahoo!) Michael decided that since I'll be living there and he's gone a lot that he'd feel more comfortable with me having a shotgun handy. He sat me down and went through the process with me. It's ingrained in my head now. Push up button, cock it (click click!), flip off the safety, push the button for the flashlight if needed, and BOOM! I have a small fear of guns, but only because I don't understand them. Knowing how to protect myself if it came down to it feels good. So I am armed and dangerous now when it comes to someone trying to break in to rape and kill me.

Anyways, so I had brought over some bags of clothes to Michael's house last night. I threw some clothes in the washer and went outside to read. After the insistent beep-beep of the washer letting me know it was done, I went back downstairs to throw the clothes in the dryer. That was when I heard someone walking around upstairs. I'm not kidding, I'm not exagerating, whatever. Someone was walking around upstairs and that's a fact. I felt real terror. My heart started pumping, I started sweating. Pictures of me raped and killed flashed through my head. I thought about how it would hurt my friends and family. I wondered who would find my body. I'm not kidding, people- these are actual thoughts that I had while I was just standing there frozen in terror. And then I got pissed. The shotgun is in the bedroom upstairs. I was stuck in the landry room downstairs. How was I going to get to the gun? I looked around the landry room for something, anything, to defend myself and give me the distraction I needed to get to the gun. The only thing I found was a can of brake parts cleaner
which we use as spider-killer. So I grabbed the can and shook it to get it ready. I crept up the stairs as silently as I could. I couldn't see anyone in the kitchen so I made my way to the bedroom. Dropped the break-parts cleaner and grabbed the shotgun. Got it all ready to be fired with the exception of the safety, as I wouldn't want to panic at something stupid and shoot a hole in Michael's wall. I looked like a bad-ass, actually. Little 5 foot tall, 95 pound me with a big old shotgun. Anyways, so I went through the entire apartment checking the closets and dark corners. Nothing. Both the front and back doors were still locked up tight. The place was empty. At least it was empty of a living breathing human being (other than myself, obviously).

Now if I had been drinking or sleeping, I could tell myself that I imagined it. But I genuinely did not imagine this. I don't have a super-active imagination that actually makes me imagine sounds and the like. It was real.

I'm not scared of the ghost walking around and talking to me. I just wish it would do it a little more quietly so I didn't assume I was going to be violently attacked. Maybe if I ask nicely????

Much Love!