Friday, April 25, 2008

Not-So Expert Bowler

Calendar- 4/24- Dinner with Katie

Okay, so I lied. I'm apparently NOT an exceptional Wii bowler. But my word, it sure is fun to play! There were teams of 4 and everyone got to bowl for 5 frames. Here are the posted results:

Dennis, Chad, Jacque & Aimee = 270
Dan, Janette, Linda & Carol = 300
Sue, Dani, Chris & Patty = 258
Heidi, Hanni, Katrina & Julie = 255
Jana, Jason, Anne & Suzanne = 197
Dennis, Tracy, Connie & Amy = 287
Dan, Carolyn, Cindy & Hailey = 241
Dani, Dena, Sue & Kriss = 297
Sue, Cindy, Wendy & Jessica = 192
Lynne, Gayle, Kathy & Suzanne = 228

Yep, my team was so completely awesome that we got the LOWEST score out of everyone! So my email response to the office was this:

"Wahoo! Isn't there a prize for being the best at getting the lowest score? It takes a LOT of work to come in last....... :)"

But alas, there is no compensation for being the best at being the worst. I told my boss that I was going to take the rest of the day off and I'd be in the lunchroom practicing. She said no. (Yes, she knows that I was joking.)

The problem with days like today are that they go by SO extremely s-l-o-w-l-y. Looking at the clock which keeps tick-tocking by, I realize that though I've been here forever I'm actually only halfway done with my day. Bah Humbug!

A fact about me: I always have a song in my head. Sometimes it's a song that I've heard recently, which makes sense. The crazy thing is that I have certain "back-up" songs in case there's not a song in my head already. So if I haven't heard anything recently, I hum. Which songs do I hum, you ask? Well, I will happily enlighten you:

"It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas"
"The First Noel"
"Jingle Bells"
"Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman
"Last Kiss" by J Frank Wilson and the Cavaliers, then redone by Pearl Jam
"Happy Birthday"
Various LDS primary songs
"I Need Love" by Sam Phillips
and a few others that I can't think of right now

It's a bit odd to walk around humming Christmas songs in April and it's worse when it strikes in the middle of summer...... I get some interesting looks.

If you are reading these, you are maybe wondering if I just sit and write blogs all day at work since I don't have home internet anymore so HAVE to post these at work. The thing is that I'll pull it up and start it and then work for an hour or two and write a few more lines and then work for an hour or two. So basically, it's an all day process, but ONLY because I'm actually working. Typing doesn't take a whole lot of time, as I'm sure you are aware. Just wanted everyone to know that I'm not just fooling around all day. I take pride in my work, damnit! :)

So after all this blathering on and on, here's my deep and ponderous question for the day. If you had the ability to go back and change something in your life, would you? And what would that be? I can honestly say yes. There is one thing that I would go back and change if I had the ability. And it doesn't have to do with relationships, situations, etc. The one thing that I would change if I could go back (and this is honest) is that I would have never started smoking. Now that may sound silly to you all because I still smoke. The thing is that I truly enjoy smoking. I know that it's horrible and unhealthy and deadly and all of that. Logically, I know that. But the truth of the matter is that I haven't quit and don't know when I will. So though I haven't quit, I'd change the fact that I ever started. And that's the only thing that I would change. Yes, I've done some things that I'm ashamed of. Yes, I've hurt people that I'd like to not have hurt. But to me, everything builds character and everything serves a purpose. Though I may regret some things that I've said and done, those things needed to be said and done for something to change. Not that I approve of going around and being a mean person or anything, because I actually do consider myself a nice person. But feeling sorry that you hurt someone else actually improves your ability to "hold your tongue" the next time. Feeling ashamed that you did something improves your ability to not repeat that same behavior. I do wish that I was better at learning from my experiences, but at least I do acknowledge and take responsibility for my actions. And I will always try to take something from every experience that I have and use it to make myself a better person. There's never any excuse to stop trying and never any excuse to give up and never any excuse to quit while you're ahead just because you're ahead and never any excuse to just stop. That's what I say and I'm sticking to it!

Dilema. When with Michael, I respectfully deleted some phone numbers from my phone that he preferred me not to have. No, he didn't FORCE me or anything. He was uncomfortable with some things and since I love (still not past tense) him and didn't want him to feel uncomfortable, I deleted them of my own accord so that he would have a bit more peace. Anyways, now I'm REALLY needing Dan's phone number. He emailed and said he'd be in Salt Lake (he lives in Ogden) and would want to come over around 9. Problem is, I don't want to just hang out at my house tonight. And then come to find out, my friends are having a get-together for their 1-year anniversary. I'd really like to go to that. But dangit, I can't get ahold of Dan! I tried emailing, but that obviously only works if the person checks their email. So I'm stuck in limbo on what I'm going to end up doing tonight..... Heck, I'll figure something out. That's what I have a brain for! :)

Okay, I'm done for the day. Will start up again on Monday when I have internet access once again.

Much love!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

I Be More Smarter Now

Calendar- 4/23- Dinner and drive with Joe

So here's a pic of my new glasses. Yes, when working in a building with lots of windows, it tends to not take good "glasses" pictures due to all the light. And yes, I pulled my hat up a bit so you can see them. I promise, my head doesn't really look that wierd and isn't really that tall and skinny. :)

So what do you think? I've been walking around funny all day because when you haven't worn glasses in YEARS, it takes a while to get used to them. But my eyes are becoming used to it in just a day, so I'm sure that I'll be alright.

I was going through some of my old emails today and came across a bunch of ones that I'd saved from forever ago to a little more recent in a "Personal Misc" email folder. Wow, the memories. Old ones from Billy, old ones from Ben, old ones from Dan and some from Michael. It's amazing that we forget about these little parts of ourselves and the past people that we've been. In reading the old emails, I remember exactly what is being referred to whether it was a good time or a bad time. And the pictures, my word! So I've just been hanging out in memories today with the old emails and the pictures and even some old blogs that I copied and sent to myself from Myspace forever ago. The email that I sent four years ago to our office about the May morale committee events that I planned by myself. That particular picture that Dan took of me that I had completely forgotten about and had always loved. The poem that a random guy that I went out with three time had emailed me. A picture of me and Jarad last year at one of Tammy's parties. The link to my friend's personal website that I completely forgot about. Even a picture that Michael took of me the first night we met. It's funny that I purposely save all these things and then end up forgetting that I've saved them. But it sure is fun to go back and stir through the "folder" of memories and see what pops up!

So my friend (who just also happens to be my cousin) is getting married in May, and I'm so happy for him! I haven't met his fiance yet as she lived in Thailand (where they met and dated and got engaged) and from what I know, just got to the States recently. I haven't kept up with my cousin/friend Spencer since he moved to Thailand and moved back, but I was able to see him at a family get-together that we had about a month ago. I do love that guy and am excited for him to settle down with the woman that he loves. He truly deserves it. Though I do have to be completely honest, I'm going to feel really uncomfortable being the only single person at the wedding dinner. Or at least ALMOST the only single person there. But I'm okay. Like I said, it will be a little uncomfortable but I will prevail! I think that I just need to come to terms with the real possibility that I will always be the lone girl. I always imagined myself someday getting married and having kids and all that. But some people just aren't born for that, you know? Some people come into this life without the "family" fate. And maybe, just maybe, I'm one of those people that just isn't meant to be with anybody and/or have offspring. I know I'm not "old" or anything and I'm not jumping the gun on this or even feeling sad about it. I have a family member named Nancy who has never been married and never will marry. I'm not even aware that she dates at all. So yah, some people are just not meant to do the husband/wife thing and I need to honestly acknowledge that it's a possibility. No big deal, I'm comfortable in my own skin. And am still actually quite young and don't need to worry about anything. Just thinking out loud....

As I have pretty much given myself permission to bare my soul on here, I must admit that I have realized that maybe I do have hope. And I am self-aware enough to realize that it may be an unfounded and useless and maybe even damaging hope, but it's there just the same. And until certain things are done or certain things are said or certain things made evident, I am holding on to the rope ladder that leads to the clubhouse.

Okay, I be needin to git writin' some letters and ask some of them peoples for some monies that we wasn't supposed to pay 'em. Wahoo!

Much love!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A Bit of This And a Bit of That

Calendar- 4/22- Glasses/Shopping/Walked Sunni at park

My work is actually pretty cool. The company has always been really good about extra perks to keep us happy. For example- for the company's 125th anniversary (which happened to fall exactly on my 25th birthday), every employee got to pick up to $125 worth of stuff. I got a little propane grill and some free steaks which I ate immediately, yummy! Anyways, we always do get free lunches and breakfasts and my work schedule itself is really flexible. Today I found out that the office manager bought our office a Wii! Wahoo! So now after a bad phone call where someone is screaming at me and I'm on the verge of tears, I can take a break and go hit some baseballs without having to leave the building. I think that is such a cool idea. On Friday we are getting a free "Thank You" lunch from Chicken Express and we are having a Wii bowling competition. I have never played the Wii, nor am I very good at bowling. But I have a feeling that Friday will be a good day and that I'll be a magnificant Wii bowler! Hahaha!

Random quick story: I just went outside for a cigarette and was sitting on the curb playing with my cell phone when I heard the door open. Then this person just let it all out, if you know what I mean. She must've been holding that in for quite a while! I got up to come back to work and she notices me and turns bright red. This professional looking lady with her hair and nails and make-up all done. I wanted to tell her that it's not big deal, but I figured that would embarass her even more. By not saying anything, she could at least cling on to the hope that I didn't hear anything. That put a smile on my face, though.

So last night I wrote a blog to post today because I was feeling sad and miserable. And now I don't really want to post it because I'm not feeling sad or miserable anymore. Nights are always the hardest for me, when I'm alone in the dark. Anyways, so though I won't post the entire thing, I'll touch up on some points that I made. I discussed how Michael's version of a "soulmate" and my version of a "soulmate" are different but that I can understand his version. Then I questioned if there's some secret requirement that in order to find out if someone is your "soulmate" by Michael's version, you have to put it to the test instead of just assuming it. If you have to let someone go to see if they come back vs. just believing in the relationship without needing proof. I wrote how I'm really starting to feel ruined. How I'm on the waiting list for a heart transplant, yet my insurance doesn't cover the type of heart transplant I'm in need of. That I'm getting tired of being thrown into the ocean of emotion with my feet sealed in cement blocks. I wrote all that last night and felt it. I still feel it, but as I said- days are easier for me. So I'll probably end up feeling sad and miserable again tonight, but I can also expect better times to come.

As I'm 28 years old, I've dated quite a few people in my life. Today, I was talking with a friend at work as she asked how I'm doing. I told her that I had heard from Dan and asked if she remembered him. She smiled and said "I love Dan!, We all love Dan!". And it made me realize that out of everyone I ever brought around my friends, Dan was the one that everyone gravitated towards. I mean, I DID date him for quite a while and people got to know him pretty well. But Dan was the favorite. Ironically enough, I have a tentative date with the infamous "Dan" on Friday. He hurt me in the past but is an awesome person. And this time since my heart is temporarily out of order, I'm in no danger of being hurt by him. It will just be fun to get together and reminisce about the past with the crazy guy. So we'll see if we can pull off getting together as I'm hoping.

Sunni made some friends on our walk at the park yesterday. These two little girls LOVED Sunni and oddly enough, Sunni actually loved them back! Usually Sunni is wierd around strangers and it takes a long time for her to warm up to people. It took her months before she jumped up on Michael and he was always good with her. So I was quite shocked that Sunni took to these little girls so fast. The older one was so excited because she "loves doggies" and had a library book of dogs in her hand. She frantically rushed to find the page for Cocker Spaniels and then asked her dad if she could have one. Sunni barked at the dad, of course. She doesn't like men very much and I'm not sure why as no man has ever hurt her. Does she pick up vibes from me that men can hurt us? Does she actually hear the words I mumble when I cry to her? It's just wierd. Or maybe she's just gotten so used to being alone with me all the time yet having men in and out of her life so much that she's gotten to the point where she doesn't want to get attached anymore so she gets defensive? Maybe she's more like me than I thought......

I'm in charge of the catering for our work Summer Event. Why I volunteered myself for it, I have no idea. But it's actually been fun to get paid to play on the internet looking for possible options. I've made a few calls and think that I've made my decision which I will present to the Activities Committee (that I'm on) on Friday. Wahoo! And just this very second I realized something. The Summer Event is on the 28th of June, but I'll be at Bear Lake with the family. I won't be missing out on a whole lot so it's not a big deal at all. I mean honestly, which would you prefer: Having a catered BBQ at a park with people that you see 5 days a week, OR, Staying in the family cabin with your loved ones with the lake just right across the street and the freedom to do whatever you want? Yep, I'm not too bummed.

Okay, I'm officially ending this one now. Work needs to be done and then Buca Di Beppo is calling my name for dinner.

Much love!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

It's an attack!

First- calendar update: 04/21- Did nothing

Since Sunday, I have discovered that I should either be a contortionist or a demolition expert. Apparently, objects in the world have all conspired against me. Think I'm kidding?

*Sunday evening I was attacked by a pink "Dora the Explorer" chair
*Sunday night I was attacked by my coffee table
*Monday I was attacked by the elevator door
*Today I have been attacked by my metal work drawer

Need more proof? Because of the pink "Dora the Explorer" chair, I have a bruise on the back on my leg. Because of the coffee table, I have a big red mark on my chin (about the size of a nickel). Because of the elevator door, I have a bruise on my arm. And I'm pretty sure I'll have a bruise on my leg tomorrow due to my metal work drawer.

I HATE it when inanimate objects start up their little war cry and strategize on ways to attack that sweet and innocent Jessica girl. I've done nothing to these objects, yet they have declared war and strike in the most unforseen places. I have to give them credit at their brilliance of cammoflauging themselves as just a plain old pink "Dora the Explorer" chair, a boring old coffee table, an ordinary elevator, and just a funtional desk drawer. The skills with which they manipulate me just to get me where they want me are astounding! And their resilience to spring right back to their original form is amazing! (Other than the coffee table, which fought hard but ended up sacrificing its life in the war on Jessica.) I can't help but respect their highly motivated ambition to destroy me. Especially the coffee table with its strong enough desire to strike a blow to my battle that it willingly became a suicidal coffee table in the name of all that's Holy. That's dedication and loyalty, I tell ya! The battles continue as I fight for my life against a bold and ruthless army of inanimate objects.......

or my equilibrium is just off.....

On another note, MY NEW GLASSES ARE IN!!! Now I can finally give my eyeballs a break from the contacts! Wahoo! (Plus, contacts are another inanimate object and I fear that they will rebel and strike directly at my eye sight if not removed.)
Much love!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Evil Baby

First off, I feel that I need to clarify something to anyone reading this. I know that it's pretty typical to have horribly harsh feelings towards someone that breaks your heart, but please don't assume that about me. Yes, Michael hurt me deeply. Yes, I do have some feelings of betrayal and anger. But please try to understand that loving him didn't just go away when he left me. The reality of the situation is that although I don't know what it is, there's a reason that he left me. I'm no perfect little angel. I'm only half a victim. He is the other half. So don't judge him for leaving me and hurting me. And please don't put me in the akward position of defending the man who broke my heart. With that said.....

My calendar of life has new entries due to the weekend. 4/18- Jeff's House 4/19- Laurie's House 4/20- Laurie's House/Dave Coffee and Drive/Family. It appears that my plan to stay super duper busy is working. It's amazing to me that I do have so many friends, yet managed to push them away in the last 7 months. I always hated when people got into relationships and forgot their friends. Ironically enough, I became that person. I didn't completely shut off from people really. I just had different priorities. It gets even more complicated when not many of my friends are friends with each other. So in order to maintain all those friendships and spend the deserved amount of time with them, I'd be busy every single day with NO time for myself, NO time for Sunni, and NO time with the boyfriend. So as apologetic as I am to people I lacked contact with, please understand that when in a relationship it's inevitable that priorities and availabilities shift. Thank you all SO much for loving me enough to take me back with open arms and no animosity. It means the world.

Now onto the torture. I have decided that as wonderful as it is to make memories, they hurt after a breakup. I wouldn't give those memories away, I just wish that they would settle down. It's like EVERYTHING reminds you of that person. In the middle of a conversation with someone, something can be said that automatically brings your mind back to your ex. I think that it's actually quite interesting what brings someone to mind. So I did a little experiment. I carried with me a little notepad thing that the lovely Rachelle gave me and wrote down things that were mentioned, billboards I saw, just anything that brought Michael to mind. I didn't go anywhere, or do anything, or look for anything that would intentionally bring Michael to my mind and I was actively busy doing things during this time. So in the space of about 18 hours, this is what I have written down: Marines, mud flap things for tires that stick out, cooking dinner, Alex Jones, "Loose Change", Apples to Apples, guns, Valentine's Day, glow-in-the-dark dice, massage oil, the South Towne Expo Center, Fed Ex trucks, Cabellas, Ikea, Chevy Tahoe, Hefeweisen beer, I-80, "Got Some" guns and ammo, 1-800-Contacts, picking up dog pooh, PF Changs, Sizzler, Liberty Park, Washington Mutual ATM, my dad, Dancing Cranes, Smiths on 9th and 21st, Red Lobster, my cell phone, magic gloves. Now let's do the math. 18 hours minus 8 hours of sleep leaves an actual awake time of 10 hours. 30 reminders of Michael in 10 hours is roughly one every 20 minutes. Do we all understand what this means? That I average one UNINTENTIONAL thought of Michael every 20 minutes. Now do you see why I refer to it as torture? I know that these things will fade in time and am comforted by that. The question that I have (which will go unanswered) is this- does anything remind him of me? Does he think about me when he sits on the truck seat cushion I bought him? When he looks at the wall sconces I gave him? The candles I gave him or the coasters I bought him? The massage oil in his bathroom? The fire pit and tables that he bought when I was with him, holding his hand? The side of the bed I slept in or the cards we played "Strip War" with? The extra space in his room where Sunni's bed used to be? The 12-gauge he showed me how to load? The new pants and shoes that he got while with me? The reflector that he sees before the stop sign? The monkey that I gave him for Valentine's Day? The empty ashtray where my cigarette butts used to be? The restaurants we've been to? The Red-Box movie rental? The Walmart pies I left in his freezer because they'd remind me of him? The couches, pillow covers or house decorations that I admired with him? The towel that used to cover me while fresh out of the shower? The microwave stand that I put together? His slippers that I used to wear? The washer that we made out on? The same washer that blew water everywhere? The dog pooh outside that is now only Mindy's? The few pictures that he has/had of me? The thought of a copper camel? The bottle of White Zin that he has when we drank the same wine for our 6-month anniversary? The movies that he got in exchange for a duplicate movie I bought him? The waterfall from Target? The big cooking pot that I accidentally left at his house? The smell of lasagna or chili? The karaoke song that he once sang to me? The provologne cheese that he now puts on his tuna-fish sandwiches? The eggs that now aren't as fluffy? The friends of his that actually LIKED me? The spiders that I would kill? The dog park? The dollar movies? The list could go on and on and yet I wonder- does he ever think about me? Does he miss me? Let's all be honest with ourselves- we DO think about these things. We wonder if they (the "dumper") ever think about us "dumpees" and if they ever miss us. We are only human, after all.

Moving on- Dave and I got into quite a few interesting discusions at coffee and on our canyon drive. One thing that we both question is why we always seem to be the "dumpee" and not the "dumper"? So we proposed a question. That question is- Is it possible to pretend to become or even actually become someone that goes against your nature? As interesting and enticing as that question is, we are taking it even further. Details are top-secret, but I am beginning a personal study on it. And to make it sound intellectual- I will share the results once the research and data are complete.

One year, Dave and I decided that we were tired of just getting together and drinking, so we started "Adventure Days". Unfortunately, things happened and we were unable to get many of them done. So we decided that our "Adventure Days" will continue this year. I'm asking for any ideas that people have that are more of a Saturday or Sunday thing, not a whole weekend thing. Here's what we have come up with so far: The Zoo, the Heeber Creeper (if still running), the Alpine Slides, going to Payson and shooting guns, fishing, hiking, um..... I can't remember any more. So anyways, if you have any ideas they'd be much appreciated. Also, for anyone with the slightest idea what I'm talking about, Evil Baby disappeared a long time ago. But have no fear, we WILL be replacing Evil Baby and it's name will be EB2. Short for Evil Baby 2. And EB2 will be sure to accompany us on our "Adventure Days" just as Evil Baby once did. (If you don't know what I'm about, either ask me or don't worry about it.)
Last but not least......I was driving home last night when I noticed that I couldn't see the head of the driver in the car in front of me. It looked funny so I giggled to myself. Then stopped and realized that I probably look the exact same way. Then I giggled again. Without the ability to laugh at oneself, life would be a sad, sad thing.
Much love!

Friday, April 18, 2008

4 of 4 OLD Blogs

Last old one...... (and yes, it was a TRUE story)

January 29th, 2007

At about 2 AM I was woken up by the sound of Sunni (my dog) puking. (I had fallen asleep on the couch so I was in my front room.) So in the dark I go to the kitchen to get some paper towels to clean up and I hear a big splurt. Yep, the sound of anal juiciness from Sunni. So I grab the entire thing of paper towels and turn on the light to find a nice mess. Sunni had puked in 3 different places and made an even bigger and more disgusting mess of liquid shit in the middle of my front room. So I'm cleaning everything up (while gagging the entire time). I get done and throw the paper towels away and turn off the lights to go to bed and then realize that I have to pee. Walking down the hall in my bare feet, guess what I step into? Yep. A huge pile of liquid shit combined with lovely large chunks. All over my left foot and bottom of my pajamas. Hopping down the hall on one foot, I jump deperately into the shower with my pajamas fully on. Get my foot and pajama bottoms all cleaned up and start getting out of the shower. Realize that I hadn't gotten a towel and I'm dripping wet and freeing (since my pajamas aren't on anymore, of course). I get into my room and the light burns out so I can't see anything. I was walking around trying to find something to wear to go back to bed in and step on a belt buckle that is on my floor which of course pokes into my foot and hurt like a bitch. In reaction, I pick up my foot to rub it better when I lose my balance and fall back, knocking my head on my bedroom door. I lay there crying for a couple of minutes and then got up. Found something to throw on to wear back to bed and have to go back to the fron room to get my cell phone since it's my alarm. And, of course, forget the large pile of yuckiness laying in wait for me that I hadn't had a chance to clean yet. Thanks to my bedroom light, I saw it JUST in time. But not before starting to put my foot down and having to throw my weight at the last minute to avoid the completion of the step. In the process of that, lost my balance again and fell backwards, smacking my ass into the wall and then falling into the hallway with all my body weight landing on my left arm. I lay there crying again. Got up and finally went back to bed. Sounds like a movie, but I SWEAR that really happened to me this morning. Happiness, huh? Though not that it's over, it's pretty damn funny!
Much love!

3 of 4 OLD Blogs

Another oldie but goodie.....

December 20th, 2006

I cried tonight. I'm talking full on bawling (sp?) like a baby. Twice. I haven't really and truly cried in a long time, and in a wierd way it felt good. It's such a release, you know? It's expressing emotion, even if it's just to yourself. It's getting out all the sadness and anger and drama and trials that you have. It's beautiful. And it was all because of a book. I normally don't like books that are about love and family and serious things like that. I like my typical murder mystery, true crime or random intellectual book that creates true intellectual thought. But every now and then, I must admit, I read a girlie book. And this one killed me. And it made me wonder. Would I be a big enough person to love someone so much that I could only truly want them happy, even if it had nothing to do with me? I don't think that I could. I feel like maybe I'm too selfish, maybe I don't really know how to love, maybe I'm a bitch. But I can't imagine purposely letting someone go just because I knew that they would be happier with someone else. Is that bad? Or does that just make me human? I'm not quite sure. It was a freaking fictional book! But I still am crying. As I'm writing this. Because there are some people in this world (which as much as I'd love/hate to be, I'm not one of) that are so completely caring and loving and sacrificing that they will do anything for those they love. Including breaking their own hearts. That part of the fictional book is true. I have known 2 people like that in my life. And they are beautiful and amazing and wonderful people that I adore and admire. Yet I can't help but feel sad about that. I wish they didn't have to feel the pain of sacrificing their own selves for someone they love. They are a rarity, they are priceless antiques. They are special. And I know that though I'm special in my own ways, I can never be as beautifully special as they are. And this blog has just been random and emotional and that's how I'm feeling right now. So I'm going to go put on my pajamas and cry to my dog. Much non-sacrificial love to you all.

2 of 4 OLD Blogs

Again, an OLD blog I had.....

November 27th, 2006

I don't think that I believe in love anymore. I know that sounds skeptic and cynical. But I just don't. Nothing makes sense anymore and I doubt it ever will. My soulmate is my friend. So where do you go from there? How do you expect to take it further with someone else- how do you not compare that relationship with the relationship you had/have with your soulmate? I hate settling. The thought of settling makes me a bit sick to my stomach. But I suppose that's all there is to do, correct? I have met MANY people and dated around and tried to make things work with people. But when it all boils down, I just don't want to sacrifice anymore. I've sacrificed enough in my life and I really just can't do it anymore. I'm sorry, but I can't. Enough of that.
So I had my yearly gynocologist appointment today. I always get my typical STD and HIV tests along with the rest. He asked me if I was worried about having an STD or HIV since I got tested last year I went. I let him know that NO- I wasn't worried. I'm pretty damn confident about my lack of "issues", if you will. Yet I still respect myself and other people enough to make sure that I'm clean. So I just explained to him that as a single woman who isn't in a "monogomous" relationship, I have to be sure. He actually gave me a compliment for that- he said that it was a great thing that I realize how I could impact others and how others could impact me and that he completely understands and is proud. My freaking gyno said he was proud of me! Hahaha! I think that's awesome. Another thing- I love talking to my doctor. How many men can a woman actually talk about cramping and her menstruation with and actually have them interested and listening? Um..... not very many. As much as I hate my yearly physical, I end up leaving feeling good.
So I get in to work today only to find out that my hard drive crashed. My computer was dead. And I lost everything. I had so many pictures on there, etc! I'm sad! I lost a lot! Though it WAS nice to be able to get paid for sitting around and talking to people drinking my coffee for 2 hours. And then updating my new computer for another 2 hours. Needless to say, my day went by fast since I only worked half of it. It was great!
OH MY GOD! I'm watching "The Bachelor". How pathetic is that? Okay, I'm officially going to start dressing in really ugly clothes and crocheting every night and taking up new arts and craft. Only sad people watch "The Bachelor". And get this- it's the last night or something (who knows) and BOTH of the two finalist chicks are blondes. Figures..... God- I really need to stop feeling angry about men. My best friends in the WORLD are men, so I really don't hate them. But as far as when it goes to the whole "dating" thing, I'm just not happy. No, I can't say that. I'm happy. Alone. I'm not happy with dating. Simple. Okay, I've pathetically just been focused on that tonight, so I'm going to get over it. For now.
Last item for the day: Goodnight. I'm not really going to bed but I'm going to stop writing useless crap. And go write more useless crap somewhere else.
Much love!

1 of 4 OLD Blogs

So I used to have a different blogspot here but wanted to "start over", if you may. So I thought I'd post here some blogs that I have posted in the past......

November 7th, 2006

Another heartbreak is expected. But I've handled worse and will continue to deal with my life the way that it is set forth. I'm one tough chicka, you know.

Sunni is doing really good. She didn't bark AT ALL tonight, which is amazing. I love that baby. Now she's passed out and snoring on the couch next to me. Who needs to date when you have a dog? Nobody. Haha!

I started crocheting again. The damn blanket that I've been working on for just about forever. One of these days, it will be done. And I will adore it because I spent time making it and caring for it. Yah, maybe that sounds dumb and wierd, but I don't care. I'm wierd. And I like it that way.

Sometimes I feel like the world is swallowing me up. There's so much out there and so much knowledge and so many experiences that I just haven't had. The world knows nothing of me. It can just spit me out with no thought about it- like a watermelon seed. Did you ever have those contests to see who could spit the watermelon seed the furthest? Interesting thought....

So I got a funky new insurance plan for 2007. It's an HSA/HDHP plan. (Translation: Healthcare Savings Account/High Deductible Health Plan.) It's actually quite a fascinating deal and I'm quite excited about it. Pre-tax, gets interest, etc. Mr. Man, I will have to tell you about that in person as it's somewhat complicated. But beautiful. I'm already excited for it!

Anyways, I best be going to bed now since I have to get up somewhat early.
Much love to the world. And Mr. Man mostly. :)

Word Therapy

I have always been able to get my feelings out and express myself through the written word in ways that I can't any other way. And though you don't know me, I know myself. I'm in need of what I've decided to name "Word Therapy". When going through a hard time, it's beneficial to "get things out" and write about it. Only then can I seem to release things. So here I begin my "Not So Personal Diary" as word therapy.
I just got dumped by my latest boyfriend, Michael. My love life has always been different than others. It takes a lot for me to give my heart someone so the length of my relationships is a bit pathetic. This last relationship lasted a whopping 7 months. 7 months is such a small amount of time, but a giant leap for myself. Yet, it didn't last. And the worst part is, I have NO idea why. It was more of a "let's take some time apart so that I can learn to communicate with you better in order to make you happier" thing than just breaking up. So for the past two weeks, I've held a pathetic hope in my heart that time was really all he needed. But with absolutely NO communication in two weeks, I need to just admit to myself the reality of the situation. At least now I can move up and on and put him into the "deleted items" box in my heart. If only he had granted me the parting gift of closure. If only he had been man enough to actually end it......
But how do we all go through the healing process? I have been alternating between sadness and anger the past two weeks and I realize that I need to re-discover my other emotions. I spent some time with my ex-boyfriend Jarad the other night. (Yes, I'm one of those people that remains friends with almost all of my exes.) We had a good time. Dinner, drinks, then went back to my place. No, people. Not for THAT. He lives over an hour away and it was late so he did spend the night. No hanky panky happened, but I did get to sleep in someone's arms again. He understood that he was acting as a subtitute for Michael. But it was comforting to know that for that one night, I wasn't alone. And then I wonder- is that the best way for me to get over Michael? By being busy and constantly surrounded by people? I understand that it takes time to get over things. But I guess what I'm asking is this- is it okay for me to start dating again? Nothing serious, just for fun. It just seems to make the time go by faster when there are other things going on. Plus, I could sure use some positive male attention right now after feeling beaten down. I hope it isn't horrible of me, but I think that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to casually date and let myself have a good time instead of letting myself be broken. Wahoo!

Okay, enough about the (lack of) love life for now. There's the Salt Lake City Marathon tomorrow and Jarad is running in it. I want to go down to the Gateway where it ends. They are supposed to have music and activities and stuff. See here:
It's supposed to be a nice day tomorrow so I'd like to enjoy it. The problem is that I have nobody to go with. I'm okay with being alone most of the time, but as I'm still sensitive I don't really want to go to a crowded place and wander around alone. So I have to make a decision on if I'm strong enough to do it right now. Maybe I'll get lucky and talk someone into going with me. Who knows? Parking is going to be a bitch, though. Guaranteed.

So I started writing little notes in a calendar when Michael broke up with me to remind myself that I'm not alone. Here's what it says so far: 04/06- The End 04/07- Laid in bed 04/08- Laid in bed 04/09- Dinner with Ben 04/10- Patty loves me 04/11- Dinner with Rachelle, Lep, Doug's House 04/12- Eye stuff, groomer, Hailey and Reid movies 04/13- Family 04/14- Movie date with myself 04/15- Read and wrote 04/16- "Date?" with Jarad 04/17- Read and wrote.
Exciting stuff, huh? Hopefully after this weekend I'll have a few more interesting entries.

I've been making an attempt at drinking water vs soda pop. Getting myself a little beer belly. It's not bad, but more than it used to be. It's more of just a pooch. Keep in mind that I'm only 5 feet tall and about 93 pounds. So it's nothing to worry about at all, but it's almost bikini season! I figure that by drinking lots of water and taking my dog on walks every night, I'll get back the old bikini body I had a year or two ago. Or at least get closer to it. Positive goals are a good thing!

I guess I could quit rambling about now, but it's so enjoyable! Bear Lake week is coming up in June and I can't wait! It's my one time a year where I can go somewhere, spend quality time with my family, relax, and have absolutely NO obligations or time-table. If I want a nap, I can nap. If I want to go down to the lake, I can go down to the lake. If I want to go hang out in Garden City, I can go hang out in Garden City. If I want to go to the cave, I can go to the cave. If I want to go to the Hot Springs, I can go to the Hot Springs. It's a wonderful thing, that freedom. And doing it all with people that are so spectacularly wonderful makes all that much better. I'm in desparate need for that this year. And then in July it's the annual B-Day cabin trip with Dave and Billy. Just the three of us in Dave's family cabin for the weekend to celebrate me and Billy's birthdays. And then in August I'm going out to Kansas for my girl Courtney's wedding and will get to see more of my family. Good times are coming, I tell you. I do have a lot to look forward to and am grateful that I have such good friends and an amazing family.

Okay, enough word therapy for the day. Don't worry, I'll be back. Therapy takes time, after all. :)