Monday, January 26, 2009
Granted, I have absolutely NO problem with homosexuality in either male or female. I couldn't care less. I have some great gay friends, both male and female. I just don't understand the sudden need for a lot of women to just start either dating or sleeping with women. Actually, I don't mind the dating so much. That at least shows that there is some interest in an actual relationship, which tells me that they probably aren't just doing it for show or attention or to get laid even easier. But just simply deciding that they are going to sleep with whoever comes along no matter what sex they are? I don't get it.
Trust me, I'm far from being considered a prude. I have had a past that some people would simply not believe. So I'm not angel in any department. I guess if someone really needs sex that much that they don't care where they get it, I can't judge them. But that doesn't mean that I'll understand them. There's gotta be at least SOME standards and/or limits, right? Now keep in mind that I'm not talking about people that really and truly consider themselves bisexual. I do believe that there are people that are simply born with it.
But..... it just seems like so many women are jumping on the "I'm Bisexual!" bandwagon that there's either something in the water, something in the air, or maybe they just rationalize it. A lot of men I know think girls being together is "hot". Good for them. But I feel absolutely no need to "sleep" with a woman in order to impress anyone......
I'm not insecure enough with myself and my body to need to sleep with as many people as possible to make myself feel good about myself. And I'm not necessarily saying that the "bisexual bandwagon" is either. I guess I'm just trying to figure out why so many women these days have decided that straddling the fence is a good idea. (No pun intended.) There's a big difference between knowing that you've been with a woman experimentally, but it's a whole other thing to declare yourself completely bisexual. It's like an epidemic.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy music. But as I spend such small amounts of time actually being able to listen to music, I listen to the same things over and over again. I give my music-listening time to those songs that bring tears to my eyes, or make me want to dance, or bring back a memory, or that I can identify with. Thank God for playlists on Youtube where I can add all my favorite songs and skip through them whenever I want to. Every now and then I'll discover some new song or artist and listen repeatedly to the same song/artist over and over again. My friend Chad introduced me to a new song today that I have been listening to on repeat for the past 3 hours or so. Yep, it's going to have to end up on my playlist as it's beautiful. (Artist: Adele, Song: Chasing Pavement)
Sometimes I wonder if my lack of needing music constantly has something to do with my absolute NEED to think. I am perfectly capable of sitting outside for an hour without doing anything other than thinking. My thoughts take these crazy trips and twists and turns and then suddenly I will realize that my ass hurts as I've just been sitting and thinking for an hour. It's odd. So I think that having constant noise in the background would take away some of my thinking time. It would distract and detract from the silence required to give credit to my brain for keeping on churning. Giving my brain respective props, I suppose.
Whatever the reason is, I don't require music in my life most of the time. And it's appreciated more when I am able to actually give it a listen. Which I am doing at this moment. Enjoying and appreciating. Until I leave for the day and wait for another opportunity to give my ears a present.
Back to Adele on repeat for the last hour I am here.......
Thursday, January 8, 2009
I once wrote something called "Insights Into Jessica For The Curious". Basically, I filled out pages and pages of lesser-known facts about me and some quirks that I have. For no real reason. But anyways, I'd like to take this time to share a few of these with you.
*I sleep with my hand either down my pajama bottoms or up my shirt. There's nothing sexual about it, I just like the feel skin. So if someone were to walk into my room and look at me when I sleep, they'll find a hand hidden under clothing.
*Whenever my phone rings at work, I automatically grab something to fiddle with. I am incapable of answering the phone without a paperclip or soy sauce packet or slinky or bendy elephant toy in my grasp. (Yes, all of the above are easily accessible for my fiddling pleasure.)
* I eat healthy on accident. We never got to eat red meat while growing up, so hamburgers have never had the appeal to me that they seem to have to everyone else. I don't like chocolate, candy, cakes, cookies, brownies, etc. My absolute favorite thing to eat is a fresh chef salad. Not because it's better for me, but because it's delicious. Speaking of which.... Now I want a chef salad.
*I'm not very girlie. I like football, hate shopping, bite my nails, prefer beer over cocktails, love blood and guts movies, hate dressing up,..... the list goes on and on.
*I dream in color all the time. My dreams make absolutely no sense at all. And I have recurring nightmares of family members and friends and Sunni dying.
*I don't LOL very much. Something has to be really funny for me to actually laugh out loud. Which is why I don't text "LOL" to people. I instead use "Haha". That's lets them know that I think their text was amusing and humorous, yet not enough to really make me "LOL". Unless I'm really "LOL"ing.
Okay, that's enough for today. I need to get to work. So there are some wierd (or not so wierd) things about me. Neat. Have a great weekend, my loves.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
“The take here is that everyone and their mother want to be bailed out from the banks to the big three,” said Owen Moogan, spokesman for Larry Flynt. “The porn industry has been hurt by the downturn like everyone else and they are going to ask for the $5 billion. Is it the most serious thing in the world? Is it going to make the lives of Americans better if it happens? It is not for them to determine.”
Francis said in a statement that “the US government should actively support the adult industry's survival and growth, just as it feels the need to support any other industry cherished by the American people."
Flynt and Francis concede the industry itself is in no financial danger — DVD sales have slipped over the past year, but Web traffic has continued to grow.
But the industry leaders said the issue is a nation in need. "People are too depressed to be sexually active," Flynt said in the statement. "This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex."
"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind. It's time for congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly."
So far, there has been no congressional reaction to the request."
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
In my last post I talked about how I need to get out and be social instead of isolating myself. That's what everyone says to do. But I realize that when I isolate myself, I can work through things a lot quicker than if I'm putting on a fake happy face for others. Spending time alone helps me focus on what's important.
So here I am today, feeling quite a bit better about things. And the number one reason that I am choosing to not be defeated is this: My life is my own. I make my own choices. I can choose to wallow in depression and self-pity, or I can choose to give myself more credit and smile a heart-felt smile.
As much as I have felt stuck and trapped in routines and ruts, I only have myself to blame. My friend Troy has been known to say something along the lines of "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results", or something like that. And I fully believe that this is true. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to do anything extreme and pack up and move to Africa or anything (where did that come from???). I'm just saying that it's my choice to stay stuck in the rut, consider it a rut in the first place, or take action. Even if that action is stepping outside myself for a moment and taking stock.
Whatever I do or don't do with my life, it's MINE. And I have no desire to live it in darkness.
Now that that's over, just one quick little thing I would like to discuss:
There are two women's bathrooms in my office since we have very few men. They turned the men's room into a second women's room and made a closet the men's room. (Yah, wierd.) My bathroom of choice is the less busy one for obvious reasons. Yesterday I walked in right at the same time as a coworker. At that point, it's just rude to walk out and go into the other bathroom. So this coworker proceeds to talk to me while we enter our respective stalls, and continues talking to me while draining our bladders. Then, she let a little something slip. Yep, she farted right smack dab in the middle of our one-sided conversation (as I don't conversate while using the facilities). She said "Oops, sorry" and then went right back to talking. I'm not embarassed of bodily functions, I don't get sickened by normal things that our crazy bodies do, I usually end up in some really inappropriate conversations with friends. But THAT? Um...... awkward.
Friday, January 2, 2009
My Christmas was great other than the overwhelming feeling of dread for Michael's move to Montana. So though I enjoyed my time with my family, I could feel the time passing too quickly, heading towards something similar to an emotional train wreck. The countdown had started.
Michael and I spent some good quality time together between Christmas and when he left on Sunday. Some "snuggle time". And then we packed him all up, loaded up the U-haul, and off he went.
I'm emotionally slaughtered right now. I know that it will fade in time and the pain won't be as strong. But for now.....
It's Friday and I have the weekend ahead of me. And instead of being happy for another two days off work, I am dreading it. I know that I need to be social and spend time with my friends. I know that I need to NOT shut myself off from the world and be a part of it. But the "loss" of Michael has impacted me more than I thought it would. I feel empty. Like there's nothing to look forward to and nothing to be gained. I am heartbroken and all routines that I had before seem inconsequential. Like nothing is worth anything.
I know that this is all what I call "situational depression". Meaning that I'm not truly depressed inside, but that I'm feeling completely depressed due to this situation that I am in. And I know that I will someday break out of it.
It's just that for now, all I want to do is lay in bed in the pajamas I have worn since Sunday and watch cheesy chick flicks and cry. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to deal with anything. I am grieving and mourning. This is my bereavement period.
The whole saying of "you don't know what you have until it's gone" is really sucker-punching me in the face right now........ And it hurts.
But..... I AM making an effort. I have plans to go to a fashion show tomorrow that my sister is in. And then hopefully grab some dinner with the family. So as much as I want to shut myself in and never leave, I am forcing myself. And heck- at least I made it into work today. That's good, right?
I need to talk myself up and out of the hole. I need to go against my nature (of hibernating) and visit with friends and family and remind myself that there IS something out there to care about. That having a life is pointless if you don't actually LIVE.
So please be patient with me and my blogging as I am lonely and empty and sad.