Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I Am A Loser

That's what an anonymous commenter said on my last blog post. I deleted the comment.

I'm perfectly fine with constructive criticism, I'm perfectly fine with someone thinking I am a loser.

But this is my domain and I don't feel the need to hold on to any negativity. I'm addressing this only because I'm not ashamed that someone commented that I'm a loser. I'm just not keeping the comment.

In with the good, out with the bad.

I'm sure that there are plenty of people out there who think I'm a loser. Awesome. I really don't care. It's not shocking. The most important thing is that I don't think I'm a loser. And that's the bottom line.

With that said- I can't believe I am leaving on Saturday! When I first heard that I got approved for moving, they gave me two months and it seemed like SO long. It's now almost been those two months. I can't wait to get everything all set up and just be out there and start having new experiences. I'm going to be having an adventure!

Oh, and I'm quitting smoking too. I started on Chantix (an RX specifically to quit smoking) on Sunday and you set your actual quit date for a week later. My actual quit date it Saturday since I want to be completely done when we start the drive to MT. So I'm starting things off clean.

I have made the choice to change my life and I don't have a single hesitation about it. As stated before, I've been needing change desperately. And it's finally here! And I have also been missing Michael like no other......

Speaking of Michael, he and a guy he met are starting a 4-wheeling/off-roading club in MT! So we will pretty much be packing up and heading off to do some crazy driving and spend some time with new friends on the weekends. It'll be great!

Optimism has taken over me, people. And I'm perfectly content that way.

Much Love!

Friday, March 20, 2009

For The Last Time....

My life has always been a crazy, and then boring rollar coaster. Meaning I've had periods of extreme change and ups and downs, and then long periods of situational stability. Feast or famine, if you may. And I've been thinking about the past 8 months and how much change has occured and how many "lasts" I have had.

When my apartment flooded, I packed up and moved out. After moving and cleaning, I stood in those empty rooms and a flood of memories swept through me. I lived in that place for 4 years. I had a lot of good times, and bad times, while under that roof. I wandered around and thought, and even cried a little. As much as I ended up hating living there due to the landlady and her kid, it had been MY apartment and I knew I would miss it. And to be honest, I do miss it. I loved living by myself, I loved the independence of it. But it was time to go, so I walked out of those rooms for the last time.

Then I moved in with Michael at the Sugarhouse duplex, which we loved. We started dating in September of 2007, so there were over a year's worth of memories in that space. Again, some bad but mostly good. Michael got the news that he had to transfer and ended up with Great Falls, MT. He moved right after Christmas. I remember how hard it was to see the plants being packed up, the books and DVD's being boxed, the furniture being moved. On moving day, I sat on the floor in the kitchen eating chips and cheese dip, and tried to not cry. Unsuccessfully, of course. When everything was loaded up into the U-Haul, the place was empty. There was no soul there anymore. I again wandered through the rooms just remembering. And then we walked out of the place we had called home together for the last time.

As you all know, I'm moving to Montana. And 3 months isn't a great amount of time to live somewhere, but it's been a comfort for me having my cute little room in my roommate's house. And at the end up next week, I'll be walking out of there for the last time.

And then there's work..... I have been coming to this building since November of 2000. Over 8 years of parking in the structure, taking smoke breaks, talking with coworkers who have become my friends, walking the hallways, heating up lunch in the microwave, meetings in the conference rooms, work parties, etc. 8 years! I'm trying to put into words what I'm feeling about this, and it's not working. I just FEEL it and am unable to express it. I apologize for that. But basically, this office has become a second home, and the people here have become a second family. And next Friday, I will walk out of here, box in hand, for the last time.

I am feeling a bit sentimental. I am feeling a bit sad. I am feeling a bit nostalgic. I am feeling a bit scared. I am feeling a bit emotional.

But I am also feeling a bit excited and happy and adventuresome and strong.

With all the "for the last time"'s I've had, there's another side of the coin.

There's the wonderful ability I have to say that I'm looking forward to seeing something and doing something- FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Much Love!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Do You Smell Smoke? I Think Some Bridges Are Burning....

It appears that I am burning some bridges. I'm not sure why and it makes me feel yucky. So it STOPS now! The two bridges I have burned will stay charred, I'm sure. But I refuse to burn any more. It's not me, it's not the person I want to be. No more. It's an unattractive quality that I simply do not want to possess.

We are all responsible for our own actions, and I take the responsibility that I deserve. I won't dwell on it, I won't further worry about it. But I won't do it again.

Enough said.

Much Love!