Thursday, June 26, 2008

Lalalalala- Short Story

I love rent. Meaning "Rent". Not paying money to live somewhere, but the musical. It's probably my favorite movie. So here I am innocently listening to the soundtrack while working. Not quite whistling while I work. More like humming. And trying to not sing out loud.

Apparently I am not doing too well at the not singing out loud part. My co-worker just popped her head over the wall to get my attention since the volume of my CD player is pretty high. I hit "pause" and look at her. She says "Jessica, why in the world did you just say something about S&M?" Wow. It's a good thing that I sit by people that don't get offended by much of anything. But still, if I'm going to end up slipping and singing/talking out loud, then I'd better watch what I'm listening to......

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Weekend Pictures

So here we are, Ladies and Gentleman. I got my pictures of Bear Lake onto a disc and now have them. I am the type of person that would rather LIVE than sit around taking pictures of living, so I never really have a lot. I'll just post any of them that I find interesting or worthwhile to throw on here. Due to my technological stupidity, I can't figure out how to have them enlarge when clicked so deal with the smaller ones:

The family on the beach:

My adorable neice Mikayla:

Little Romney with crazy hair:

James and Emily napping:

Mikayla with a scrunched face:

Mikayla again with a scrunched face:

The sunset from our deck:

More of the sunset:

The only good rattlesnake is a dead one:

Is this a gopher? Praire dog? ??

Sunni relaxing:

Sunni swam for the first time ever!!!:

Getting out of the water:

Rachel, James, Emily, Aleasa, and me laying across them:

My dad and Mikayla:

Carlos and Diego in Hoodies:

My family pic 1:

My family pic 2:

Just me and Michael when I got back:

And that's all for today.

Much love!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Pressure Cooker

I had a wonderful weekend. I'd like to post pictures but have some work to do on it since I cancelled my home internet. I will have to download my pictures at home, put them on a disc, bring the disc to work and put the pictures on my work computer. So pictures will be coming, but not today. I'm so sorry to disappoint. I'll try to get that done tonight so I can post tomorrow and write about my weekend.

But for now, I've decided to write something about myself that I just realized...... which is: I don't do well under pressure. I hate stores where people earn commission due to the buying pressure. I hate the end of a meal at a restaurant due to the tipping pressure. I hate talking to someone on the phone who is trying to convince me to do something, buy something, rush me into something. I have a really hard time saying "no" to strangers, but no problem saying it to people that I actually know. It's not bad enough to where I'll buy something just because one of these strangers tells me that I should or need to. I would never take a phone call from a telemarketer and agree to whatever product they are endorsing. But I do tip way too much, and I do walk out of a commission store feeling oddly guilty if I don't buy anything. The realization of it hit because of this: I have been trying to find someone to come and haul off a ton of junk that I've accumulated from living in my apartment for WAY TOO LONG. There is quite a bunch of it- enough to the point where I need to rent a trailer to get it all out. (And since I'm hoping to move in the next few months, I want to get rid of it now so that it's out of the way.) Anyways, I sent out some emails to people that I found to ask about pricing and if they load the trailer or if I'd have to, how big the trailers were, the hours they could do it, etc. I ended up with two people that were good candidates. Jared emailed me back with all the details. Roger emailed me and told me to call him. I didn't call Roger, I emailed him back with the inquiries. After back and forth emailing where he continued to insist that I call him, he called me. And I didn't answer. And he called again. And I didn't answer. And he called again. And I didn't answer. And not once did I call him back. That's when it hit me. If I talked to Roger on the phone, I would feel that "pressure". Emailing is a safe and distant way to communicate with someone and they can't talk me into something, and I won't feel rushed. If I can get all the information that I need over email, I won't have to say "no" to someone. I don't even have to reply. But you can't exactly just hang up on someone in the middle of the conversation if they start the pressuring. Well, you CAN, but it just doesn't fit in with society's "rules of decency" or whatever. Needless to say, Jared is picking up my stuff for me.

So why do I have this almost fear of pressure? Why can I easily stand up for myself to someone I know well and actually CARE about, but not to some random stranger that I will never see again? It intrigues me.

And moving on to something else- I went to meet the Jared guy at my house (just got back to work). I am generally a friendly person who talks to and jokes around with people. Like the lady in the JC Penny bra department (no, I DON'T spend twice as much on the same bra with the only difference being the brand name "Victoria's Secret" sewn into it), or the lady on the Verizon Wireless customer service line, or the salesguy at Best Buy, or..... a guy named Jared who is helping me rid myself of junk. Basically, I am of the opinion that though we all are just doing our jobs in whatever profession we are in, we still want to be treated with respect, and a smile and friendly banter go a LONG way. And the response to being treated as an actual human being is amazing. Without even suggesting anything, I have gotten discounts from the lady in the JC Penny bra department, a discounted phone bill from the Verizon Wireless customer service lady, the salesguy at Best Buy, and now Jared. Yep, the junk-hauler-away-guy gave me a discount. Wahoo! And the only thing that I can boil it all down to is that I treat people as actual people with lives and hopes and jokes and disappointments and failures and dreams and.... well, you get the drift. I have blogged about this before on a different website, but it hasn't changed. And in a way, it makes me sad that people are so shocked when someone is actually talking to them and being friendly that they want to "hook them up" and give them discounts. I mean, it is such an infrequent thing? Do people really just act as if the people servicing them are just some nameless faceless thing? Is it really such an amazing thing when someone meets their eye? I guess it just makes me sad for humanity. Trust me, I'm not so super special that people are just dying to give me discounts without even knowing me. People don't see a glowing aura around me that makes them instantly need to appeal to my glorious nature. I'm just a small woman with a smile on her face and a joke on my lips. And apparently, that's enough.

Anyways, so the junk in my truck in gone! Or more precisely, the junk in my storage room is gone. Which makes me feel motivated to go into a cleaning frenzy. So me and my friend here are going to be spending a lot of time together this week. Along with Mister Dirt Devil and Mister Comet. I hate cleaning but my God, it feels good when it's done, doesn't it? Then maybe I can actually allow people to enter my apartment and grace me with their presence. I haven't really let anyone in my place for a long long time. Though I'm sure a big part of that has to do with the fact that my landlady is Satan's spawn. And her son just may be Satan himself. Anybody know where to find some Holy Water? Do you need to be Catholic to get some? But seriously people- how funny would that be if I just ran up to my landlady and her kid and threw water on them? Haha! The image makes me entirely too happy.......... Yep, I need to move.

And a final thought for the day: In order to make lemonade out of lemons, you must provide the sugar. (I have NO idea what that means, I just made it up. But it sounds deep and ponderous.....)

Much Love!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Pray For A Good Severance Package

My office does not allow people to take time off unpaid. They won't fire you if you do, but they will count it towards your allowed amount of time for calling in sick, leaving early, etc. And they only allow a certain number of employees off at a time since we need the phone coverage and all the other work that we do around here needs to stay current. Well...... here's an email that we just got (and I'm X-ing out certain things since it's company stuff that I don't know if I should share):

"Afternoon All,

You have all done an amazing job at handling our office workflow. As you know our mail goes up and down throughout the year and we’re currently at the time of the year where the volume of submitted claims are down. We have been and are all looking for ways to offer assistance to other offices and share/distribute office responsibilities such as XXXX's and XXXX's. Since most offices are in the same situation we are currently in a position to allow additional staff off using PTO or E-time without being considered an occurrence. However, there are guidelines and expectations to be met before this can occur.

XXXX's need to be through 6/4/08,
XXXX (office) - needs to be blank,
XXXX's - PN's through 6/12/08, all others though 6/4/08 need to be completed or documentation on the status.

If it is your Early or Late you're are still expected to provide phone coverage

If you are interested in either PTO and/or E-time please contact the sups via the sup email list, 'xxx xx xxx xxx'. Approval will be based on balancing customer service, business need and workflow.

For those of you who have never had or heard of E-time the following is an overview:
E-Time allows employees to voluntarily take Time off without pay. The time away from work does not count against the employee's PTO accrual or attendance records. However, E-Time could impact an employee's yearly earnings; it could lower his/her total yearly compensation.

This could affect any benefit that is driven by this figure, such as:
· 401K
· PrinPay
· Defined Benefit Pension
· Hours worked toward FMLA eligibility"

So there we have it. For the first time ever since I've worked here (November of 2000), they are offering unpaid time and extra paid time off. And that scares me. We are the only West Coast office so we are in a good position for business from Oregon, Washington, and California. But things haven't been coming in. We have quoted on a couple of groups and done some presentations, but nothing has come of it so far. If we don't start getting some more business, our office could be in trouble. My personal job role isn't suffering since there's never a lack of work for what us "specialists" do. There are only 3 of us and nobody else wants to do what I do. And like I said, we ALWAYS have plenty of work. But still..... I'll just have to think positively and not let myself panic. We always have ups and downs (just as everyone else) so this is probably just one of our down times and will soon pick itself back up. That's what I'm going to tell myself, and honestly, it's probably the truth.

Much Love!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Dreams and Things

I have had some really wierd dreams in the past few nights. I'm not usually a dreamer, at least I don't usually remember them. For some reason, it's been happening. Four dreams that I remembered since between last Saturday and today. The last one is the most completely absurd and a bit disturbing. And keep in mind that though I remember the generals of the dream, the details are a little hazy. And they aren't exactly long dreams, either.

1. I was standing on the side of the road watching these animal control guys trying to load a cheetah into the back of their truck. I guess it had escaped or something and was roaming the streets. It somehow got away and then all of the sudden it was a baby cheetah the size of a kitten. I walked across the street putting out my hand to stop traffic- like the traffic control guys do. Everyone stopped and I said "Here, kitty". And the baby cheetah came up to me. I picked it up and went to give it to the animal control guys, but the baby cheetah wouldn't let go of me. It locked it claws in my shirt so that nothing we did could get it away. So they told me that I could just keep it......... And that was it.

2. I wasn't able to go to Bear Lake with my family like I was supposed to. So I was sad since my entire family was up there. Some guy that I don't know came to my house and told me that my entire family was dead. I asked what happened and he said "Diabetes". I responded "Diabetes doesn't kill an entire family over one weekend. What REALLY happened?" And he didn't answer me. And that was it.
*But I did wake up after this one absolutely crying my eyes out and couldn't stop for a while. Dreams have a scary way of sticking around even when you wake up. It's hard to get out of the dream state in the middle of the night.

3. The government had declaired Martial Law. I was at some sort of retreat with Michael and a bunch of his buddies that had formed a militia. They had tanks and all these things to protect their rights. At this retreat, they were deciding who they were going to accept as far as who would go with them. They had "accepted" me and I was approved to go and be protected by these guys. My friend Chad came to visit and he was a little mean to everyone. So the main militia guy (Michael's friend) said that I wasn't okay to go with them anymore. I kept crying and saying that I never really see Chad and that I don't understand why my friendship with somebody else has anything to do with me joining them in their militia. The guy said that I was just making it worse by making excuses. Michael was sitting there the entire time and didn't say one word in my defense. I started packing up all my things to go home and looked at the calendar. It was February 12th. 2 days before Valentine's Day and I was having to leave because Michael wouldn't stand up to his friends for me. And that was it.
*I feel like that dream actually had a lot of symbolism in it. I'm still thinking that one over....

****Parental Advisory on this last one****
****Disclaimer- this isn't about sex but is deeply disturbing to me and DOES talk about a certain female body part****
4. I was at this huge cabin for some kind of summer camp thing. I'm actually not quite sure what it was. I was in love with this guy that worked in the cafeteria, but he was in love with my friend. I was upset and went into the bathroom and sat down to cry for a while. I stood up and looked in the mirror and blood was coming out of my ear. I started freaking out. I wiped up the blood and noticed that my left eyeball was sunken in my eye socket. I looked at my ear even closer and realized that part of my eyeball was poking out of my ear. So I pushed at the ear-eyeball thing and heard/felt a POP. It wasn't poking out of my ear anymore. I wanted to make sure everything else was okay since my eyeball was still sunken in my head, so I stripped down. (This is where it gets disturbing to me.....) Come to find out, part of my eyeball was poking out of my vagina. (I could have used other words on this, but they all mean the same thing.) I didn't want to hurt anything by pushing it back in so I put on a robe and went into a room where a bunch of people were just standing around. My boss was there and I told her that it was a medical emergency and to call an ambulance. Then I just laid down on the ground in my robe. The "ambulance" came but they wouldn't come to the cabin. The were stopped at a park across the street and I needed to go to them. So I walked over there in my robe. Every time I took a step I could feel my eyeball in my head being pulled a little. Yuck. The "ambulance" wasn't an actual ambulance, it was just an old truck and it had a kid's car seat in the back. There were two old guys that were supposed to be the EMTs or Paramedics or whatever. They were just standing outside the truck smoking and talking about fishing. They weren't rushing or anything but I was freaking out because I had part of my eyeball poking out of my vagina! Finally, the one guys tells me that they are ready. He tells me to sit in the drivers seat, so I do. He got in the passengers seat and said "This may seem weird, but I need you to pretty much stradle me for this to work." (No, he wasn't naked or anything and he wasn't talking about sex at all.) So I stradled him and he rolled up his shirt sleeve. Said he had to push the eyeball all the way back inside. I looked at him with disbelief and said "Do you really think your arm will fit in there?". And that was it.
*I have NO idea what in the world that one was about. That's one of those dreams that makes me feel weird for even having.

So there you have it. My odd dreams that I have had and actually remember in the past 5 days. I'm not sure if I believe in dream interpretation, but for these dreams I'd actually take it.

Moving on...... what do you do when you know that someone is a manipulator and liar but says some things that are absolutely true? How much of what they say do you believe? I can't say "all of it" because there are pieces of truth that I already know for a certainty. How do we decide what is the truth and what is a lie in the rest of it that we don't know about? What do you think?

Last but not least- I'm leaving tomorrow for Bear Lake!!! Wahoo!! Gotta pack everything tonight so that I can just get off work tomorrow, pack up the car, grab Sunni and start heading out. I can't wait! My entire family is going to be there! The first time that my brother and all my sisters will be together at the same time since my wedding a billion years ago. I'm going to take a ton of pictures that I will share. Family time and freedom!! Tomorrow is going to DRAG at work since I'm looking forward to being off. I can't wait!!

Much Love!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

BBQ and Hope

So to add on to my earlier blog:

It's not very often that I let myself sink low as I'm generally an optimistic person who (at least I like to think) knows herself, and though I fully admit to the many bad qualities that I have, am also able to confidently admit to my good qualities, as well. So now I feel the need to express the short little spurt of a pity-party that I invited you all to attend. My landlady is evil and insane. She didn't used to be this bad. I live in the basement apartment of her house. Joan (evil insane landlady) has a son about 10 or so. And he's even MORE evil and insane than his mother. Constant screaming, constant stomping, etc. Back when I drank all the time, it was okay. I'd be able to drink enough to numb it out and then fall blissfully into an unhealthy and unfulfilling slumber. And now that alcohol isn't in my diet, I just can't seem to attain sober sleep easily. So when you throw in the fact that my landlady was stomping around until 2 in the morning today, I obviously didn't get much sleep. I was able to drift off at 4 (at least that was the time when I last looked at my clock) and had to wake up at 8 for work. Some people can handle few hours of sleep. I'm not one of them. So when I got to work this morning, I was exhausted and frustrated and had forgotten that today was a food day at work (pot luck thing) and I was supposed to bring the plates and utensils but I was off yesterday and nobody reminded me even though they all have my phone number. Issues with Michael (yes, again) from the weekend were on my mind and making me feel sad. Then throw in all the mosquito bites I mysteriously contracted over the weekend..... I was NOT in the best of moods, to put it mildly. And the anger and depression set in. Feeling helpless due to that fact that I'm still paying off a lot of things for my DUI which prohibits me from just finding a place, ANY place to move into due to lack of funds. Then I cried and started typing out that previous blog with my rambling "feel sorry for me" catastrophe. I truly did feel some release while angrily typing away at the keyboard of my soul, which also happened to be the REAL keyboard to my computer, imagine that! Anyways, I obviously was smacked in the face with the realization that though I prefer to live alone (and actually HAVE lived alone for the past 4 1/2 years), I am still perfectly able to communicate with people and be around people, so why not find someone that needs a bit of help in their own living situation and see if we could benefit each other? Though I WILL have to sacrifice walking around in my underwear, which is a favorite pasttime of mine......
So I posted an ad (which I spelled as "add" in my previous blog) on Craigslist and KSL. I have had a couple reponses so far and will be meeting with some of these people to see if we can stand each other. If so, I may have found a way out of the sleep-deprived misery that I've been living with for so long!

And then I ate a BBQ beef sandwich, and who can feel sad when eating a BBQ beef sandwich?

And then a somewhat lost friend (who I have strongly missed) of mine actually conversed with me today for the first time in a LONG time.

And then Billy told me that he actually IS going to be able to come visit next month which is great since he wasn't going to be able to make it.

And then I remembered that I get to have dinner with my beautiful Momma tonight.

And a smile lightened my face and I ate some potato chips and then a laugh popped out and then my optimism was resurrected. A Lazurus of sorts.

So the pity-party is over. Please clean up after yourselves and hopefully we won't be having another one of these parties for quite a while.

Much Love!

I Hate Crying

I'm at work and I'm crying. I HATE crying in front of people. I'm perfectly content with the blotchy eyes, running nose, ravaged hair and tears streaming down my cheeks (where I mutter things to myself out loud that nobody else could understand) but ONLY when I'm in my own home, alone. With nobody but Sunni there to witness me giving in to misery. I require solitude in order to fully let myself open up to the crying game. Yet it's coming now while sitting here at work and I can't stop it and I just want to run away and curl into a ball in the middle of a field somewhere and stay there for hours and hours and hours listening to nothing and no one but the birds. I am STUCK and I can't change it and I'm desperately needing a change that isn't possible. My potential has faded away into nothing and my life needs a complete over-haul. I'm sick and tired of this person and that person and myself and absolutely every damn thing in my life. I need escape that I can't get and I'm going to completely lose myself in the process of trying to keep my damn head above the damn water but you know what- I CAN'T SWIM. This darkness under my eyes is going to be a constant and I see all those people and I hate them. Where is it coming from? Where is this anger and hatred and depression coming from? The worst? The worst is the absolute helplessness I am feeling. I'm completely helpless and I can't do it alone. Every single damn thing requires me doing it alone. By myself. Be strong, right? Well, I can't anymore. I am breaking down and have myself in the maze and I'm so extremely tempted to just walk out of work right now and keep going. To grab my pursh, walk home and grab Sunni, then just keep walking and walking and walking and walking and walking. Away from here, away from there, away from him, away from me. Even if I were to beg for help, there's no help to be given. All of them are far away and the ones that are close are busy and distracted and hurried and always forget about the little girl sitting in the corner all alone and lonely, named Jessica. I'm here but nobody can see me. Or hear me. Or feel me. I just need someone to love me right now. Please? Pretty pathetic thing to ask considering that nobody even cares enough to actually read this damn thing, anyways. I mean, who really gives a shit what goes on in my life or heart or mind anyways, right?
I'm in pain.
Okay, I got that out. Now I feel better. Seriously. Crazy how that works, huh? Plus, I figured out a possible solution to the biggest problem that I'm having. Hopefully it works out, but at least it's more of a possibility than I had this morning! Basically, I NEED to move out of my place but can't afford it. I'm posting an add to find a roommate (who I will meet for coffee first to see if we "click"). If they meet what I can pay a month, then we can get a decent place and I'll be free from the evil landlady!!!! Wahoo!!!!
Cross your fingers for me.

Much Love!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Sneaky Pants

I remember now why I don't wear these pants that have sneakily found their way onto my body for the day.

Throughout the ages, women have been forced to wear some very painful and/or uncomfortable things for the sake of "style". Some examples: Girdles/corsets, nylons, high heels, disgustingly heavy ball gowns in the summer, crazy cone-shaped hats, bras, etc. The one that is getting to me today is the tight pants style.

I keep forgetting that I have some old clothes that still can minimally fit me. Unfortunately, not too much for the pants. You see- I grew what we call "hips". And I gained a little bit of something we call "weight". So it's pretty obvious that pants I wore 5 years ago before I got "hips" and gained "weight" will not necessarily fit me anymore. After a battle of pulling the pants over my now child-bearing hips (haha!), it's hard to get them buttoned over the extra layer that has sprouted on my belly. Now keep in mind that I'm not fat. And I was told yesterday at my wellness screening that I finally weigh what I should way for my height as I've always been considered underweight. So this has nothing to do with me complaining about gaining weight. I'm proud of it. On top of that, I'm damn proud that I finally grew into a woman's body that shows a little more curvature. The issue here is that I've always worn my pants tight, as that is the socially accepted way for young women to dress in order to somewhat fit in and look attractive or whatever. So these pants that were once tight on my younger, thinner, not as "mature" body don't necessarily fit on my older, heavier, more adult body.

The funny thing is- you'd think that with me having trouble pulling the pants over my hips this morning, I'd realize that it may not be a good idea to wear pants that I would have to struggle with to even pee. But in my morning rush to get to work (even forgot my coffee!!!!), I just left. And now, I can't breathe. I've officially turned into one of those people that has to unbutton their pants while sitting in order to not feel the life drain out of them. Everytime I get up from my desk to do something I have to button my pants back up. And then unbutton them when I sit down again. And to be absolutely, completely honest- I find it amusing and humorous. Who ever thought that the girl accused of being anorexic or bullemic all her life has to unbutton her pants just to be a little more comfortable? To me, it's a bit of a "in your face" thing. I get satisfaction knowing that for all those people that accused me of not eating and/or throwing up because I was so skinny have been officially proved wrong. I have never had an eating disorder. I have been known to be quite the pig, actually. I used to be able to out-eat Billy at the JB's breakfast buffet when we'd skip school. And not once did I ever feel like there was something wrong with binging WITHOUT purging. It's hitting me now that I'm a little older. I intend to exercise more and get some blood flowing through my body, but not necessarily lose weight.

So as I end this little insight into my inability to breathe today, I'd like to say the following: Spring cleaning should always include throwing away old clothes, as a day will come when we inevitably grab the wrong pair of pants and suffer through the day with them.

I am now going to button up my pants, walk to the kitchen to refill my water bottle, walk back to my desk and unbutton my pants once again.

Much love!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


My normal reading genre is the typical fictional murder mystery. You know what I mean- the ones always one display at K-mart or Walmart or Smiths or wherever. Patricia Cornwell, David Baldacci, James Patterson, John Sandford, Iris Johansen, Jonathan Kellerman, Allison Brennan, and many many more. Then I throw in the occasional "horror" genre of Dean Koontz, Stephen King, Richard Laymon and the like. But in all reality, most of my absolute favorite books have actually been recommendations from friends where they let me borrow the book. Some examples of these would be:

"The Sparrow" by Mary Doria Russell, recommended by Wendy

"Swan Song" by Robert McCammon, recommended by both Laci and Chad

"Mother" by Linda Ann Rentschler, recommended by Chris

"The Innocent Man" by John Grisham, recommended by Ben

Those are just some examples. There are a few more that I love that have been recommended to me, but I can't think of more right now. I am now reading one that was given to me by my lovely friend Wendy. It's called "Eat Pray Love", by Elizabeth Gilbert. Now keep in mind that my friend Wendy follows Oprah's book list religiously, so please don't hold it against me that I'm reading an Oprah-recommended book...... I just read whatever is handed to me. Anyways, I'm actually really liking this book. There are a few things that hit home with me and make me think about certain ways that I deal with situations and how I view myself. There are two excepts that I love that I wanted to share since they are written so well that I find myself in love with the words. Disclaimer- the second one is a bit cheesy about giving yourself strenght and building yourself up. And remember- I did NOT write these, I'm just quoting them from the book.

First one:
"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted- an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore- despite the fact that you KNOW he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he USED TO GIVE IT TO YOU FOR FREE.) Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have THAT THING even one more time."

And the second one needs some explanation- for self-help reasons she starts writing to herself in a notebook (kinda like talking to yourself outloud) and I'm cutting a bunch of it out in order to type just the basics:
"I write: 'I need your help.' Then I wait. After a little while, a response comes, in my own handwriting: 'I'm right here. What can I do for you?' At the beginning of my spiritual experiment, I didn't always have such faith in this internal voice of wisdom. I remember once reaching for my private notebook in a bitter fury of rage and sorrow, and scrawling a message to my inner voice- to my divine interior comfort- that took up an entire page of capital letters: 'I DO NOT FUCKING BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!!!!!' After a moment, still breathing heavily, I felt a clear pinpoint of light ignite within me, and then I found myself writing this amused and ever-calm reply: 'Who are you talking to, then?' I walked into an office building one afternoon in a hurry, dashed into a waiting elevator. As I rushed in, I caught an unexpected glimpse of myself in a security mirror's reflection. In that moment my brain did an odd thing- it fired off this split-second message: 'Hey! You know her! That's a friend of yours!' And I actually ran forward toward my own reflection with a smile, ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost but whose face was so familiar. In a flash instant, of course, I realized my mistake and laughed in embarrassment at my almost doglike confusion over how a mirror works. But for some reason that incident comes to mind again tonight during my sadness in Rome, and I find myself writing this comforting reminder at the bottom of the page: 'Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.'

My goodness, people- I LOVE those thoughts! Most excellent, I must say. Sorry, but I just wanted to share something with you that means something to me. Now I'm going to finish my salad and do some more work.

Much love!

Monday, June 2, 2008

So Sue Me

Okay, okay, okay. It's been a while. So sue me! :)

I lot has seemed to happen to me and around me so I'll try to update what I can.

I took my car in on Friday for my safety and emission stuff so I can get my car registered. I failed safety because apparently, they passed a new law between last year and this year that requires a passenger side mirror on cars that came stock with one. So I've been looking around and I can get one online, but it's a bit scary to me because I don't know if I'll do something wrong and get the wrong one or something. It's the kind that has the automatic deal in the car to move it around. I called Jiffy Lube (who failed my safety) and they said that it doesn't have to actually WORK, as long as the mirror is there and can be moved even manually. I called the Honda dealership for a price quote and the guy said that they can't do one that doesn't work- they'd have to hook it up with the full deal which would cost $284.38. I don't think so! I guess I'll just have to take my chances on ordering online. And then we have the problem of actually getting it hooked onto my car! I'm a pretty handy girl who likes to put stuff together so maybe I'll just try to figure it out by myself. I mean, one time my DVD player wasn't working so I took the whole thing apart, fixed it, and put it back together. And it worked! So I will just fiddle around and see if I can do it. If not, I'm not too proud to ask for help. So I'll figure something out. I just need to get it done soon since I'm technically not driving legally right now.......

So due to events that happened today, I am proud to inform you all that I am the smartest person in the whole entire world! I dare not elaborate on the reasons why, just take my word for it. Though I was told today "For a smart girl, you are kinda dumb". Hmmm..... I think I'll pretend that wasn't said and just stick with the fact that I am a brilliant genius and leave it at that.

I've actually been writing again! Not meaning my blog, but writing song lyrics and a poem. Which I actually impressed myself with. I sometimes forget that I have talent until I sit down and write a poem or lyrics. And even then it sometimes sucks. But then I'll write something that just flows and that I absolutely love which reminds me that I actually can write and should probably stretch those writing muscles a little more.

So I had a date with Michael last Friday. I know, I know- my last blog said that things were messed up. What can I say- I love the guy and don't really want to let go of him. He did apologize for the whole breaking-the-date thing and I do believe that he meant it. Anyways, the date was really nice, actually. We went to Tucci's at Trolley Square for dinner and then went back to his house for a bit and then went to see a movie. I guess I forgot how adorable the guy is because he just made me blush and giggle and smile and all that cheesy girlie stuff. Then we ran some errands on Saturday. We are supposed to be going out again this Saturday so we'll see what happens. I don't want to rush into anything at all and am trying hard not to. The hardest part of it is that I was exclusive with him for 7 months so just casually dating him is something that I'm not sure I can do. I guess only time will tell as far as what does or doesn't happen between us. I'm just content in the knowledge that there's at least a possibility. I'll take a possibility over absolutely nothing ANYDAY. I will update you as the saga continues....

I was out today for a bit so need to run and get some work done in the next 15 minutes that I'm here. I will seriously try to write tomorrow as I'm getting bad with keeping everyone updated on the comings and goings of mi vida loca.

Much love!