Fun With Play-Doh

I had dinner plans with a girlfriend of mine last night. However, I worked until 6 and we were supposed to meet up at 6:30. I figured that it made more sense to just play at work until the designated time, rather than start driving home then have to turn around before I even GET home. Logical, right?

I pulled up my most favorite thing in the world on the internet. Maybe you've heard of it? It's called Youtube. Once on this site called Youtube, I pulled up a bunch of Judge Judy clips. I adore Judge Judy. As long as I'm not the one being yelled at, of course.

So I'm sitting there listening to Judge Judy when I look over and spy some Play-Doh that I stole from someone on Halloween.

I have to be honest- I have forgotten how extremely fun Play-Doh is! My imagination got a little kick since it hasn't been used in a while.

I then spy a sucker that I forgot was sitting on my desk.

Chad walks over to my desk and....... I'm playing with Play-Doh with a sucker in my mouth. We both laugh as I realize I look like the young lass I once was. Here are three examples of my inate creativity in relation to Play-Doh. I was in the middle of Olympic Rings when I had to leave. But leaving Play-Doh out in the air is a sin, so I had to scrap that project.

Much Love!

Admission

Today I am here to admit that I am affected. This statement will be explained.

While growing up I have been friends with many people that are fascinated by Astrology. You know, your "sign". It's always been a small interest of mine, but nothing that I've ever believed in to the extent that it's fact. I believe that every event in life, every situation you experience, and every day that goes by changes people. I believe that dreams cannot be explained as not one person on this world thinks that same as another. Our minds don't match anyone else's mind. Because of this, the way we see the world and the way we react to changes that occur are different. Which means that no matter what your "sign", no matter what you dream, there's no chance that it's ever going to be just like your Astrology chart reads or the dream books tell you.

I am a Cancer. The homebody, sensitive one that hides behind her shell. I've always thought this description was funny and didn't match me as generally I have no problem sharing my thoughts or feelings. If I am mad at you, you know. If I am happy, you know. But the more I think about it, I realize something. The one situation that I DO hide is sadness and depression. I'm not sure why. Maybe I feel like it's not my place to share this in the event that it brings someone else down? Maybe I don't feel that people deserve to be let in when I'm sad? Maybe I feel like it makes me vulnerable? Whatever the reason, I don't show my sadness very often.

I don't cry in front of people. I'll talk about situations in my life with a straight face and dry eyes and act as if it doesn't affect me. But as stated in my first sentence, I am affected. And today, I am sad. My dear blog readers, I'm letting you in. (It's easier to do anonymously anyways.)

I'm sad and a little bit lost. I'm not to the crying point, I'm not to the breaking down point. I'm mostly just feeling like there's something weighting me down. Like something needs to be done or undone. My friend Lindsay stated in her blog that she feels like something is missing but she doesn't know what. And I have to ditto that sentiment.

Part of it is because since July, I've been through such dramatic ups and downs that I'm struggling to find my place in this world again. Part of it is that I put my whole heart into Michael and now that's toppling down. Part of it is that I'm a creature of habit and when nothing is stable, I get all twisted up inside. Part of it is that I'm not creating anything or producing anything or making a contribution to the world. I go to work, go home, watch movies, go to bed. Repeat. Repeat..... Repeat.............

I'm extremely looking forward for this week with Thanksgiving and then this weekend with time off work. My family has a magical way of making me feel like I'm part of something bigger and greater. They heal me. So I'll get some healing time Wednesday and Thursday with the family. And then I'll have 3 days of no work where I fully intend on doing something for myself. I'm not sure what yet, but I really need to do something that makes me happy and reminds me that times get better.

I am sad and I am affected. This is the truth.

There is also another truth. My mantra. I am loved. No matter what, I am loved. Put the mind soundtrack on repeat. My mantra exists, as do I. I am loved. No matter what, I am loved.

Much Love!

Starting Anew/Venting

First things first: After a long deliberation (not really), I have added another blog. The reason for this is that I know poetry and ponderous thoughts hold absolutely no interest to some people, while others may truly enjoy them. So I'll keep this-here blog for the typical stuff I've been writing, and my other blog will mostly be poetry that I've written throughout the years and any other artsy-fartsy things that catch my interest. Have no fear, my darlings. You are under NO obligation to visit my new blog "Inside Words Out". I'm mostly really liking the idea of getting things that I've written on paper transferred to the computer. I may as well share them in the process, right? So you are more than welcome to check it out (go to my profile and click on "Inside Words Out"), but it absolutely will not hurt my feelings if you don't. Seriously.

Now I'm going to proceed on to the venting process. And I'm warning you, I'm going off here......

I'm not manipulated very easily. I myself used to be pretty damn sneaky in that area. And though I no longer choose manipulation as a pathetic attempt to twist others, I remember the signs and the tricks. I can spot someone doing some manipulating miles away. Just because I don't call you on it doesn't mean I don't see it. And haven't you noticed that I haven't responded to it? Shouldn't that be a sign to throw in the towel? That your attempts are flawed and failing? That I haven't fallen into your trap? But then again, I've heard that denial is a wonderful land to live in when reality isn't exactly how you want it.

It just amazes me there are actually people out there that are so completely delusional as to continue trying to get in my way, when to me- they don't exist. It's not even possible for them to get in my way. The only thing they accomplish is annoying me. I do have to give them that much credit. But annoy me only. Which must be a disappointment to them as I'm not falling to the ground in unstable emotional tears. Nor am I worried about any words that come out of their mouths. Nor does it have any impact on my life except for the above stated annoyance.

If I don't talk to you, there's probably a reason...... Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.

Ah..... thank you. I feel better now. Occasional emotional purging is good for the soul. Just as "Airborne" (the stuff that's supposed to fight off incoming sickness), Vitamin C, and Echinacea are good for the body when someone you've been around a lot (namely Chad) brings not-so good tidings of strep throat into your immediate vicinity. (Which we do hope for timely healing for the lad.)

Much Love!

Thought Of The Day

Just because you are driving a Smart car, it doesn't make you smart. Especially if I'm behind you and have to keep braking because you accelerate and then slow down and then accelerate and then slow down for reasons known only to yourself. And if your left-turn signal is on and you turn right. And if you weigh more than the car itself to the point where imagination cannot even figure out a way that you squashed yourself into the car in the first place.


Much Love!

Things I Can Do Pretty Well

Self Explanatory Title

Cook. I have mentioned this before here. I can whip up a decent dish with little to no previous knowledge of a recipe. I am aware of tastes that go together and tastes that absolutely do NOT go together. I can go to the store and randomly grab ingredients and end up with something delicious. As an added bonus, I actually enjoy cooking. I can cook pretty well.

Make up silly lawsuits. I mentioned one of these ideas here. Here is a short list of silly lawsuits so that I can sue people and live off court winnings.

1- The previously said Frito-Lay lawsuit
2- Swanson. Their Hungry Man frozen dinners. So very very sexist. What- just because I'm a hungry woman I can't eat them?
3- Play-doh. Nowhere on the packaging does it say to not ingest this salty treat.
4- The company that makes Sour Patch Kids. Like the Frito-Lay lawsuit, there is no warning as to the tongue damage done due to eating a gazillion of these candies.
I could go on and on with silly lawsuits. That's something I do pretty well.

Fix things and pretend to be McGyver. I like using my hands. I like putting things together and even fixing things. Once, I took about my DVD player since it wasn't working. I played around with it for a while, put it all back together, and it worked! Michael's towel rack fell off the wall the other day. Not having a screwdriver, I grabbed a steak knife and proceeded to put the thing back together. It's now extremely secure. If something is broken, I will tinker with it and end up with it being fixed. There's also the time that Chad and I went to blow up his raft to go floating at East Canyon. But the pump we borrowed didn't have the right hose to hook into the raft. Putting our heads together, we assembled our own hose. With a tampon applicator. I can fix things and pretend to be McGyver pretty well.



Sing. Though very very few people have ever experienced this knowledge. I would sing in choir and do solos in church and seminary growing up. But for some reason, I do not like singing in front of people. Oddly enough, my voice is quite decent. So though I won't prove it to you, I can sing pretty well.



Math. I like math and do it for fun. 'Nuff said. I can do math pretty well.

Speed-read. I am a natural speed-reader. Give me a book and I'll read 400 pages within a couple hours. This is not something I have worked at, this just comes naturally to me. I can speed-read pretty well.


Gift-giving. I am an awesome gift-giver. Most of my Christmas gifts for those closest to me are homemade, or have some sentimentality attached to it. I usually remember things that people have mentioned that they want. But again, I usually focus on homemade or sentimental gifts. I personally believe that it's better to give someone something that you put some work into or that would remind them of a special memory or be specifically designed for that individual. I give gifts pretty well.

So there you have it- a list of some things I can do pretty well. And just since it's a beautiful Friday, here is a clip from my sister's performance at Solid Ground Cafe. (She also has a amazingly wonderful CD out if you are interested.) Enjoy!

Much Love!

Intuition

There are times that I feel that prodding of intuition, the little voice in my head, the internal insistence on doing something or saying something or prohibiting myself from doing something or saying something. What I really need to do is pay more attention to these little universal hints. I find myself doubting these feelings and thoughts and then end up wondering why I pushed them away in the first place.

I believe in intuition. I believe that there is a little part of one's brain or soul or wherever the button's hidden that has a forsight that we cannot understand and some fail to utilize.

"Mother's Intuition" is considered an acceptable form of this internal power. It's known and accepted. But what about those of us that still feel this little power and have no children to explain our highly attuned sense of knowledge? (And men?)

I fight intution. I'm not sure why I do this. As stated above, I believe in it. It's possible that as I constantly doubt myself, I doubt ALL parts of myself. It's possible that as I have so many ponderous thoughts inside my head, I fail to sort through what is just random brain activity compared to actual intution that is screaming for attention. It's possible that I am simply unable to determine what intution is exactly. It's also possible that I have ended up getting in trouble for following my intuition and sometimes doubt that it's beneficial. Whatever the reason, I fight it.

There have been times when I confuse intuition with a lack of trust. Is it something internal telling me something, or is it my own lack of trust trying to catch somebody in the act? The thing that absolutely gets me is no matter how much I tell myself that it's just me being untrusting, there's always been something to find. Whether it be intution, or everyone is guilty of hiding something, I don't know. (Don't jump to conclusions- I'm talking about my entire life and not just since I've been with Michael.)

When I got my DUI, I was getting ready to leave a lot earlier than I ended up staying. Chad and I had been at Green Street for long enough and we were just about done. My intution told me to leave. Someone showed up and we ended up staying later. And drinking more. Would I have been fine if I listened to my intuition? Possibly. Would I have ended up getting a DUI at some point? Probably. So in that instance, it was inevitable that I was going to get "caught" at some point. Intuition could possibly have prevented it that night, but not forever.

I failed my intuition today. One of the small failings that doesn't impact my life in any serious way whatsoever. When I was walking out this morning, intuition told me to grab my camera. Instead of doing that, my brain took over and said "Why? What would you take a picture of that's any different than every other day?". But on the way to work as I was stopped at a stoplight, I looked over towards the 7-11 on the corner. And there were two bright white (seriously BRIGHT white) pigeons taking a bath in a puddle against the curb. It was such a beautiful sight, actually. Among the dirt and rain and darkness were two white pigeons brightening everything up. So I should have had my camera......

I am going to start paying more attention to the prodding of intuition, that internal voice in my head, that insistence.

Much Love!

Ode To The Candy Bar

I'm not a big candy person. I have never been known for having a sweet tooth. And I'm not even a fan of chocolate, for the most part. So I'm surprising myself right now by enjoying a chocolate candy bar. I mean, really enjoying it! So I've decided to make a list of the top 10 candy bars/candy that I actually enjoy every now and then. Most of them will not be chocolate-related. But here are the top 10 sweets in my book.




10: Mister Goodbar. Which is currently the candy bar I am eating right now.






9: Skittles. Except for the red and orange ones.







8: Laffy Taffy. Chewy goodness.










7: Swedish Fish. Just the red ones.








6: Mike and Ike's. Except for the red and orange ones.












5: Reese's Pieces. Mostly for the insides, not the chocolate.









4: Twix. The one chocolate that makes it into my top 5 for actually being chocolate.





3: Salted Nut Roll. Salt and marshmallow. Perfect.












2: Mentos. All of them.











1: Sour Patch Kids. Just can't eat too many or the tongue hurts.









So there you go. My list of sweets. In case you really needed to know what sugary goodness I enjoy. (Don't pretend like it wasn't just killing you inside to not know!)

:)

Much Love!

Success

My Jessica Appreciation Day dinner was a success. 7 others joined me at the Old Spaghetti Factory for some scrumptious pasta and good conversation.

I usually keep my friends separate. Sequestered in a way. I don't know the exact reasoning for this. Possibly because my friendships are close ones (fewer CLOSE friends rather than a ton of friends not so close) and I like my alone time with them. As I don't spend a lot of time with people (due to the fact that I'm a bit of a hermit), I like my time with them to be quality time.

So it was interesting to get different friends together. We had Hailey and Reid. I work with Hailey and she is an awesome friend. Reid is her husband who I also adore. Then there's Joe. I've known Joe for years now. Back in the day when I actually met people from Myspace (pathetic, I know), he was one of those people. Joe and I became instant friends and I love the guy. Billy. What to say about him? He's my friendship soulmate. Then there's Ray. Ray is Billy's childhood friend who Billy and I lived with in an apartment in Sugarhouse at one point. We'd sit around for hours and throw things up into the ceiling fan and dodge them when they would come flying towards us at high speeds. Ray is good people. And then there was Celeste. Celeste is one of Michael's old friends. He actually dated her at one point. I love my Celeste. (And no, I don't have a problem with the fact that he dated her. She is too cool and real.) And then Ben. Ben is actually an ex that I dated for about a year. Things didn't work out with us, but he is a very good friend of mine.

So that was the table. Different people that have mostly never met. People that I love. Jessica Appreciation Day was a success and reminded me yet again that there are some very special people in my life that care about me. And as Michael so eloquently put over text last night: "Everyday is Jessica Appreciation Day because people love you".

Now moving on since I don't want to beat a dead horse about the new national holiday that occured yesterday.

I have found a place to live when Michael leaves!!! It's been a HUGE stress for me not knowing that I'll have a place to stay when Michael goes. But a co-worker that is my friend actually asked if I wanted to come stay at her house. She has a 2-story house in Sandy with 2 extra bedrooms and I can bring Sunni. So that's the plan. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Sometimes, thing do work out. I'm still going to miss Michael with everything I have, but at least I am strong enough to do what I have to do and continue on with my life. As long as you do your part, the Universe will provide.

And finally, a funny story. Yesterday when I was leaving for work, I dug out the snow brush and was brushing away the snow from my car. This old lady drove up and stopped right in front of my car. She then pointed at her side windows. I held up the snow brush and she nodded. So I walked over and brushed off her car. She smiled at me and drove off. Random. And hey- where's my tip?

Much Love!

Jessica Appreciation Day

I declared today as "Jessica Appreciation Day" due to my desperate need to feel loved and cared for these days.

Me and 7 of my close friends are getting together for dinner for this celebration.



I just thought you all should be aware of this new national holiday.


Much Love!

Friendship Do's And Don'ts

Have any of you noticed that there are different types of friends? There are so many different types of relationships we have with each other. I have friends that I don't see very often but are still friends. I have long-distance friends (Hey, Courtney!) that I don't ever see OR talk to very often but will always be people that I consider close to my heart. There are friends that I spend most of my time with and surround myself with. No matter which type of friend people are to me, they have only wanted me happy. And in doing so, they support my relationships and decisions. They support me when I'm sad, support me when I'm happy, support me whether or not they agree with what I do. They do not try to talk me out of something I'm passionate about. They do not try to come between me and my relationships. They let me live my life and do what makes me happy without trying to interfere for their own selfish reasons.

What I absolutely do NOT understand is a friend who interferes in your relationship, who tries to talk you out of being with someone, who manipulates and interferes and spreads lies in a crude attempt towards watching the relationship fail. I do not understand why someone can actually consider themselves a friend while constantly and intentionally causing grief. I do not understand how someone can claim that they love someone and care about them, but have no respect for what that person wants and needs. I do not understand how being a good friend consists of lying and exaggerating and being completely unsupportive and selfish. Does this make sense to anyone else?

I like to surround myself with people that help bring me up, not tear me down. I like to have friends that help me when I need help and give me advice when I ask, but don't stick their noses where they don't belong. I like to surround myself with people that are true and genuine and open-minded to other people's differences. This is who I am and this is who I desire around me.

And because I surround myself with these people, I am extremely loyal and even somewhat protective. If anyone says something bad about those I hold near and dear, I will rush to defend that person. My family, my friend, Michael. It doesn't matter. I will rush to defend them and be anywhere from slightly annoyed to angry that they would even say something bad about them. Even while going through all this with Michael, my friends and family still do not voice negative thoughts about him to me.

My point is that true friends build you up and support you. UNtrue friends try to sabatoge happiness and try to make decisions FOR you so that your attention never wavers to someone else. Whether it be due to feelings one has for the person, whether it be a poor self-image, whether it be the need to dominate, whatever. It's not a true and healthy friendship.

So thank you to my good friends. My friends who raise me up and let me live my life how I want to. I love you.

Much Love!

Cupidity

I was going to blog about Michael. I was going to blog about his "friends". I was going to blog about how I'm feeling. I was going to blog about my impending homelessness (is that a word????). But I changed my mind.


Instead, I am going to blog about the weather. Or how my day is going. Or my dog. Or my Halloween night. Or how I need to get working on Christmas presents. Or how I need to replace the CV something in my car. Or how I'm working 10 hours of overtime a week to put towards paying off my loan.


Anything but Michael.


Final result: I'm blogging about online crushes.


I must be honest and admit that I have online crushes. People I have never met and never will meet. Yet I have crushes on them all the same. I used to play on Myspace until I remembered that I'm not a 16-year-old girl. So I got over that. My only online social contact is this here blogspot. Which means that these online crushes are on a person or persons that blog here. Intruguing perhaps?

It stems from how writing a blog actually exhibits part of one's personality. The small part of ourselves that we allow to expose to the world. Meaning my blog isn't ME. There are parts of me in it, but it's not ME. Just as I know that my online crushes are on bits of people's personalities. Maybe with someone it's the way that they write. Maybe with someone else it's the stories they tell. Or maybe it's for a completely different reason altogether. There's no rhyme or reason to it. It exists solely because it exists.


So........ do I have a crush on you? Only I know.


Much Love!

Update

I lost the fight against tears.

Ask And You Shall Recieve

In my Arizona/Kansas post, I talked about the possibility of moving to Montana with Michael. And as I'm sitting here looking out the window on a dark and dreary day, I am sharing my immediate future with you all.

Michael has friends. Friends that I previously discussed. The story is this: months ago they were having financial problems and were in danger of losing their house. Michael sat down with them and worked out a budget with them as a way to save their house. All they had to do was follow it and they would be okay. But buying new guns and alcohol is a priority, apparently. Their house is getting forclosed on this month. And they want to move to Montana with Michael. Like I stated before, I simply cannot live with a household of people. It would seriously be almost a gun-in-mouth situation for me. So as stated earlier, I told Michael that I cannot live with them.

Michael has chosen to move to Montana with them and leave me behind.

So for those of you that wanted me to stick around Utah, your wish has been granted.

I'm a little heartbroken. But I'm also a little uplifted. I put my life on hold for the last couple of months. Yep, put my life on hold for Michael. So at least now I can have my life back, right? I can do what I want to do without having to worry about him. I can rediscover myself on my own terms. And that's not a bad thing.

I can't lie and pretend that everything is okay. It's not. I am being left behind and that's something I never thought would happen by Michael. But I suppose you can never really know somebody.

I just need to remind myself that it's just one person. Not every man cheats. And not every man stomps all over your heart. Not every man hurts. I need to keep that in focus to prevent myself from completely giving up.

And now I find myself homeless, yet again. I'm fighting tears and I'm fighting the desire to give up. I'm fighting myself for control. I'm fighting despair. I'm fighting for my sanity and I'm fighting for ME.

One day at a time.

I cannot and do not hate Michael. He is making a decision the he feels is right and I cannot fault him for that. He wants to help his friends and I think that's admirable. I just get tired of being the sacrifice of someone else's worthy cause. I get tired of being the one left behind.

I am not a spiteful person. And I do not hold grudges. I hope that Michael is making the right choice for himself. I hope that he is happy and is able to enjoy life. Sincerely.

If you ask me if I am alright, my answer is: I WILL BE.

Much Love!