Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Now I'm going to proceed on to the venting process. And I'm warning you, I'm going off here......
I'm not manipulated very easily. I myself used to be pretty damn sneaky in that area. And though I no longer choose manipulation as a pathetic attempt to twist others, I remember the signs and the tricks. I can spot someone doing some manipulating miles away. Just because I don't call you on it doesn't mean I don't see it. And haven't you noticed that I haven't responded to it? Shouldn't that be a sign to throw in the towel? That your attempts are flawed and failing? That I haven't fallen into your trap? But then again, I've heard that denial is a wonderful land to live in when reality isn't exactly how you want it.
It just amazes me there are actually people out there that are so completely delusional as to continue trying to get in my way, when to me- they don't exist. It's not even possible for them to get in my way. The only thing they accomplish is annoying me. I do have to give them that much credit. But annoy me only. Which must be a disappointment to them as I'm not falling to the ground in unstable emotional tears. Nor am I worried about any words that come out of their mouths. Nor does it have any impact on my life except for the above stated annoyance.
If I don't talk to you, there's probably a reason...... Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.
Ah..... thank you. I feel better now. Occasional emotional purging is good for the soul. Just as "Airborne" (the stuff that's supposed to fight off incoming sickness), Vitamin C, and Echinacea are good for the body when someone you've been around a lot (namely Chad) brings not-so good tidings of strep throat into your immediate vicinity. (Which we do hope for timely healing for the lad.)
Monday, November 17, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Self Explanatory Title
Cook. I have mentioned this before here. I can whip up a decent dish with little to no previous knowledge of a recipe. I am aware of tastes that go together and tastes that absolutely do NOT go together. I can go to the store and randomly grab ingredients and end up with something delicious. As an added bonus, I actually enjoy cooking. I can cook pretty well.
Make up silly lawsuits. I mentioned one of these ideas here. Here is a short list of silly lawsuits so that I can sue people and live off court winnings.
1- The previously said Frito-Lay lawsuit
2- Swanson. Their Hungry Man frozen dinners. So very very sexist. What- just because I'm a hungry woman I can't eat them?
3- Play-doh. Nowhere on the packaging does it say to not ingest this salty treat.
4- The company that makes Sour Patch Kids. Like the Frito-Lay lawsuit, there is no warning as to the tongue damage done due to eating a gazillion of these candies.
I could go on and on with silly lawsuits. That's something I do pretty well.
Fix things and pretend to be McGyver. I like using my hands. I like putting things together and even fixing things. Once, I took about my DVD player since it wasn't working. I played around with it for a while, put it all back together, and it worked! Michael's towel rack fell off the wall the other day. Not having a screwdriver, I grabbed a steak knife and proceeded to put the thing back together. It's now extremely secure. If something is broken, I will tinker with it and end up with it being fixed. There's also the time that Chad and I went to blow up his raft to go floating at East Canyon. But the pump we borrowed didn't have the right hose to hook into the raft. Putting our heads together, we assembled our own hose. With a tampon applicator. I can fix things and pretend to be McGyver pretty well.
Sing. Though very very few people have ever experienced this knowledge. I would sing in choir and do solos in church and seminary growing up. But for some reason, I do not like singing in front of people. Oddly enough, my voice is quite decent. So though I won't prove it to you, I can sing pretty well.
Math. I like math and do it for fun. 'Nuff said. I can do math pretty well.
Speed-read. I am a natural speed-reader. Give me a book and I'll read 400 pages within a couple hours. This is not something I have worked at, this just comes naturally to me. I can speed-read pretty well.
Gift-giving. I am an awesome gift-giver. Most of my Christmas gifts for those closest to me are homemade, or have some sentimentality attached to it. I usually remember things that people have mentioned that they want. But again, I usually focus on homemade or sentimental gifts. I personally believe that it's better to give someone something that you put some work into or that would remind them of a special memory or be specifically designed for that individual. I give gifts pretty well.
So there you have it- a list of some things I can do pretty well. And just since it's a beautiful Friday, here is a clip from my sister's performance at Solid Ground Cafe. (She also has a amazingly wonderful CD out if you are interested.) Enjoy!
Monday, November 10, 2008
I believe in intuition. I believe that there is a little part of one's brain or soul or wherever the button's hidden that has a forsight that we cannot understand and some fail to utilize.
"Mother's Intuition" is considered an acceptable form of this internal power. It's known and accepted. But what about those of us that still feel this little power and have no children to explain our highly attuned sense of knowledge? (And men?)
I fight intution. I'm not sure why I do this. As stated above, I believe in it. It's possible that as I constantly doubt myself, I doubt ALL parts of myself. It's possible that as I have so many ponderous thoughts inside my head, I fail to sort through what is just random brain activity compared to actual intution that is screaming for attention. It's possible that I am simply unable to determine what intution is exactly. It's also possible that I have ended up getting in trouble for following my intuition and sometimes doubt that it's beneficial. Whatever the reason, I fight it.
There have been times when I confuse intuition with a lack of trust. Is it something internal telling me something, or is it my own lack of trust trying to catch somebody in the act? The thing that absolutely gets me is no matter how much I tell myself that it's just me being untrusting, there's always been something to find. Whether it be intution, or everyone is guilty of hiding something, I don't know. (Don't jump to conclusions- I'm talking about my entire life and not just since I've been with Michael.)
When I got my DUI, I was getting ready to leave a lot earlier than I ended up staying. Chad and I had been at Green Street for long enough and we were just about done. My intution told me to leave. Someone showed up and we ended up staying later. And drinking more. Would I have been fine if I listened to my intuition? Possibly. Would I have ended up getting a DUI at some point? Probably. So in that instance, it was inevitable that I was going to get "caught" at some point. Intuition could possibly have prevented it that night, but not forever.
I failed my intuition today. One of the small failings that doesn't impact my life in any serious way whatsoever. When I was walking out this morning, intuition told me to grab my camera. Instead of doing that, my brain took over and said "Why? What would you take a picture of that's any different than every other day?". But on the way to work as I was stopped at a stoplight, I looked over towards the 7-11 on the corner. And there were two bright white (seriously BRIGHT white) pigeons taking a bath in a puddle against the curb. It was such a beautiful sight, actually. Among the dirt and rain and darkness were two white pigeons brightening everything up. So I should have had my camera......
I am going to start paying more attention to the prodding of intuition, that internal voice in my head, that insistence.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
I'm not a big candy person. I have never been known for having a sweet tooth. And I'm not even a fan of chocolate, for the most part. So I'm surprising myself right now by enjoying a chocolate candy bar. I mean, really enjoying it! So I've decided to make a list of the top 10 candy bars/candy that I actually enjoy every now and then. Most of them will not be chocolate-related. But here are the top 10 sweets in my book.
10: Mister Goodbar. Which is currently the candy bar I am eating right now.
9: Skittles. Except for the red and orange ones.
8: Laffy Taffy. Chewy goodness.
7: Swedish Fish. Just the red ones.
6: Mike and Ike's. Except for the red and orange ones.
5: Reese's Pieces. Mostly for the insides, not the chocolate.
4: Twix. The one chocolate that makes it into my top 5 for actually being chocolate.
3: Salted Nut Roll. Salt and marshmallow. Perfect.
2: Mentos. All of them.
1: Sour Patch Kids. Just can't eat too many or the tongue hurts.
So there you go. My list of sweets. In case you really needed to know what sugary goodness I enjoy. (Don't pretend like it wasn't just killing you inside to not know!)
I have found a place to live when Michael leaves!!! It's been a HUGE stress for me not knowing that I'll have a place to stay when Michael goes. But a co-worker that is my friend actually asked if I wanted to come stay at her house. She has a 2-story house in Sandy with 2 extra bedrooms and I can bring Sunni. So that's the plan. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Sometimes, thing do work out. I'm still going to miss Michael with everything I have, but at least I am strong enough to do what I have to do and continue on with my life. As long as you do your part, the Universe will provide.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
I declared today as "Jessica Appreciation Day" due to my desperate need to feel loved and cared for these days.
Me and 7 of my close friends are getting together for dinner for this celebration.
I just thought you all should be aware of this new national holiday.
What I absolutely do NOT understand is a friend who interferes in your relationship, who tries to talk you out of being with someone, who manipulates and interferes and spreads lies in a crude attempt towards watching the relationship fail. I do not understand why someone can actually consider themselves a friend while constantly and intentionally causing grief. I do not understand how someone can claim that they love someone and care about them, but have no respect for what that person wants and needs. I do not understand how being a good friend consists of lying and exaggerating and being completely unsupportive and selfish. Does this make sense to anyone else?
I like to surround myself with people that help bring me up, not tear me down. I like to have friends that help me when I need help and give me advice when I ask, but don't stick their noses where they don't belong. I like to surround myself with people that are true and genuine and open-minded to other people's differences. This is who I am and this is who I desire around me.
And because I surround myself with these people, I am extremely loyal and even somewhat protective. If anyone says something bad about those I hold near and dear, I will rush to defend that person. My family, my friend, Michael. It doesn't matter. I will rush to defend them and be anywhere from slightly annoyed to angry that they would even say something bad about them. Even while going through all this with Michael, my friends and family still do not voice negative thoughts about him to me.
My point is that true friends build you up and support you. UNtrue friends try to sabatoge happiness and try to make decisions FOR you so that your attention never wavers to someone else. Whether it be due to feelings one has for the person, whether it be a poor self-image, whether it be the need to dominate, whatever. It's not a true and healthy friendship.
So thank you to my good friends. My friends who raise me up and let me live my life how I want to. I love you.
Monday, November 3, 2008
I was going to blog about Michael. I was going to blog about his "friends". I was going to blog about how I'm feeling. I was going to blog about my impending homelessness (is that a word????). But I changed my mind.
Instead, I am going to blog about the weather. Or how my day is going. Or my dog. Or my Halloween night. Or how I need to get working on Christmas presents. Or how I need to replace the CV something in my car. Or how I'm working 10 hours of overtime a week to put towards paying off my loan.
Anything but Michael.
Final result: I'm blogging about online crushes.
I must be honest and admit that I have online crushes. People I have never met and never will meet. Yet I have crushes on them all the same. I used to play on Myspace until I remembered that I'm not a 16-year-old girl. So I got over that. My only online social contact is this here blogspot. Which means that these online crushes are on a person or persons that blog here. Intruguing perhaps?
It stems from how writing a blog actually exhibits part of one's personality. The small part of ourselves that we allow to expose to the world. Meaning my blog isn't ME. There are parts of me in it, but it's not ME. Just as I know that my online crushes are on bits of people's personalities. Maybe with someone it's the way that they write. Maybe with someone else it's the stories they tell. Or maybe it's for a completely different reason altogether. There's no rhyme or reason to it. It exists solely because it exists.
So........ do I have a crush on you? Only I know.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Michael has friends. Friends that I previously discussed. The story is this: months ago they were having financial problems and were in danger of losing their house. Michael sat down with them and worked out a budget with them as a way to save their house. All they had to do was follow it and they would be okay. But buying new guns and alcohol is a priority, apparently. Their house is getting forclosed on this month. And they want to move to Montana with Michael. Like I stated before, I simply cannot live with a household of people. It would seriously be almost a gun-in-mouth situation for me. So as stated earlier, I told Michael that I cannot live with them.
Michael has chosen to move to Montana with them and leave me behind.
So for those of you that wanted me to stick around Utah, your wish has been granted.
I'm a little heartbroken. But I'm also a little uplifted. I put my life on hold for the last couple of months. Yep, put my life on hold for Michael. So at least now I can have my life back, right? I can do what I want to do without having to worry about him. I can rediscover myself on my own terms. And that's not a bad thing.
I can't lie and pretend that everything is okay. It's not. I am being left behind and that's something I never thought would happen by Michael. But I suppose you can never really know somebody.
I just need to remind myself that it's just one person. Not every man cheats. And not every man stomps all over your heart. Not every man hurts. I need to keep that in focus to prevent myself from completely giving up.
And now I find myself homeless, yet again. I'm fighting tears and I'm fighting the desire to give up. I'm fighting myself for control. I'm fighting despair. I'm fighting for my sanity and I'm fighting for ME.
One day at a time.
I cannot and do not hate Michael. He is making a decision the he feels is right and I cannot fault him for that. He wants to help his friends and I think that's admirable. I just get tired of being the sacrifice of someone else's worthy cause. I get tired of being the one left behind.
I am not a spiteful person. And I do not hold grudges. I hope that Michael is making the right choice for himself. I hope that he is happy and is able to enjoy life. Sincerely.
If you ask me if I am alright, my answer is: I WILL BE.