Wednesday, December 17, 2008
I was following a Jeep in my car and we were trying to get through a mountain pass to get home. Someone had warned us about the bad roads on this particular mountain pass. The Jeep in front of me drove into a cave-type place but the road looked like it kept going. All of the sudden, it switched (as dreams tend to do) and me and Sunni (my dog) were walking towards this big gate. There was a legend about how there's a monster that lives behind the gate. In looking at the gate I saw this huge stone monster guy walking towards us. Sunni and I tried to hide behind a wall but the huge stone monster guy turned his head with his gleaming red eyes and stared at us. The next thing I know, the monster guy (who is human now) had Sunni and I couldn't get to her because there was a wall of...... like soccer goal post netting stuff that was blocking me. So I pulled out a lighter and started trying to burn a hole in the netting so I could get to Sunni. He laughed at me and put Sunni up to his mouth and took a bite out of her neck. Then it switched again and I was in a room with my family and some other random people I don't know and the bad guy. He was running around with knives and razors and was cutting everyone up. I was screaming and trying to get away and another person in the room (I don't know who it was) started fighting back but the bad guy stabbed him. There were bodies all over the floor and it was pretty much a blood-bath. The bad guy (who kept changing from a man to a woman back and forth) trapped me against the stairs and with his knives, almost cut my leg off at the knee. He then grabbed a fork and stabbed someone that was dead on the ground and was twisting the fork around in their skin.
And then I woke up. Pretty sick and disturbing, huh? Think maybe I'm a little stressed?
Halls Mentho-Lyptus Cough Drops
Yep, lucky me. I slowly drifted out of a deep slumber this morning when I realized that things are not as they should be. I could not swallow without feeling as if there were needles scraping the inside of my throat. I could not get comfortable due to spasming of my uterus (cramps). I just stayed in the fetal position for a while when also trying not to salivate so I wouldn't have to swallow. Finally got a heavy dose of Ibu Profen in my system and called work to say I may not make it in. And then I fell back into a deep and heavy slumber.
And here I am at work......
I realized that if I intend on taking off three days the week after Christmas, I couldn't take more than 4 hours off today. Though my throat hurts and I'm on drugs, I at least mostly feel alive. And capable of working. The sacrifice so that I can be off work for 8 entire days starting on Christmas. What bliss!
My plans for tonight? Hitting the redbox after work to grab a movie or two, throwing on my most comfortable pajamas, making myself a cup of tea, and sitting on the couch staring at the images on the TV screen while sipping on soup broth. That's after I raid Michael's medicine cabinet and steal a Vitamin C pill.
Die, sickness! Die!
Monday, December 15, 2008
December 15, 2008
XXXX S XXXXX Way
Salt Lake City, Utah
I left a message on your voice mail back in November regarding the fact that I have received absolutely NO response or communication from you in regards to my $600 deposit. I still have yet to hear from you regarding this matter.
When I returned the keys to the apartment to you, you told me that "by law" you had 30 days to respond to me. It has now been twice that time (60 days), as I legally vacated the apartment on October 15, 2008. I did provide you with the required 15-day notice which you did sign. Additionally, I have verified that under Utah law, a landlord must return a tenant's deposit within thirty days after the tenancy ends, or within fifteen days after the landlord's receipt of the tenant's new address, whichever is later. In my 15-day notice, I did provide the address for the returned deposit to be sent to.
According to this information, you are in violation of the landlord/tenant laws of the state of Utah. And under the same Utah law, my rights as a tenant specify that if my landlord does not return my deposit, he or she may be subject to a $100 civil fine and court expenses, as well as the ability for me to sue said landlord in a small claims court.
I'd hate for the situation to come down to taking this to court, but I am willing to take it that far if you continue to fail to respond. As you can see, I am trying to get this handled as quickly and conveniently as possible for the both of us. Yet my rights have been violated and I am unwilling to just let that happen.
In case you misplaced my new address, it is
XXXX W XXXXX S
South Jordan, UT 84095
If I do not receive the due refund of $600 (or relating correspondence to my satisfaction) within 10 days (December 25th, 2008), I will be forced to make this a small claims court issue. You will then receive information from the court in regards to when you will need to appear in court for the case to be tried. Additionally, I will also be requesting all filing fees and expenses resulting from this court case to be rewarded to me.
I am also sending a copy of this letter in writing to your physical address. If you have any questions, please contact me at (801)XXX-XXXX or by email at XXXXX.XXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXX.com.
I hope to hear from you soon.
What do you think? Professional yet to-the-point? I hope so......
I'm very emotional while writing this. I'm crying at work, which you should all know by now I absolutely abhor.
I had to say goodbye to Emily yesterday. She is leaving on Wednesday for the MTC (Missionary Training Center). And I will not be seeing her for a year and a half. Yes, time passes by so quickly. I know that in my head. But in my heart...... well, that's a different story.
I quickly gave her the Christmas present I made her. She was running out the door. We hugged and I fought the tears and emotions going through me. I lost. I clung to my mom in the kitchen while everyone was bustling around trying to leave for church or head back home to Huntington from the weekend. My mom said "Let's just let it out". And I said "I need to do this alone". But I kept crying. Emily had tears in her eyes and so I couldn't stop. I left and got back to Michael's. I crawled back into bed with him and tried again to not cry. I slept. And I slept some more. (Sleep is my comfort.) Michael went to work. And I let myself go. I cried. I talked to myself. I talked to Emily though she wasn't there. I hugged our dogs. I cried until my stomach hurt and my contacts wouldn't stay in and my face and eyes were flourescent.
And then I cried some more knowing that coming home to Michael and crawling back into bed with him with his arms around me is not happening anymore, either. He is leaving and I will have to say goodbye to him.
There are two VERY important people in my life that I am having to say goodbye to within the space of about 10 days. Did I mention that I hate goodbyes? Two people that helped fill my life and my heart. Obviously, they will still be in my life and my heart. But their absence will be great and my life will feel a little bit more empty. It already does.
So please forgive me if I start posting more boringly emotional blogs. I need to work through the goodbyes. I need to write about the goodbyes and cry about the goodbyes. And I need to share just how much these particular goodbyes are going to hurt. I need to share my pain, I suppose.
Did I mention that I hate goodbyes?
But: At least for tonight I can temporarily put aside my sadness by stuffing my face full of lasagna and cheese bread in between talking-with-my-mouth-full conversations with a good good friend. Blessed distractions.
Monday, December 8, 2008
There are some people that run through life constantly criticizing themselves and beating themselves down. There are some people that run through life never admitting their wrongs and believing they could walk on water if they tried. I am neither of these people.
I am not an unhappy person. I don't hate myself or my life. But I also can admit my faults and accept the negative things that come with me. And today I'm admitting something that is a little hard for me to admit, but no less the truth for it.
I have become the crazy, angry girlfriend. Or maybe I have been all along but just now actually noticed it. I'm not sure. Either way, the truth is that I have been mean to Michael recently. Picking fights, slamming doors, etc. When we are doing well, we are doing REALLY well. But when we are doing bad, we are doing REALLY bad. Our relationship has always been intense. A lot of ups and downs. It seems as if we live in one extreme or the other and I'm not sure that we are capable of just living in between.
What I mean by that is this: I have a friend that I'll just call "L". L and her ex-boyfriend T were constantly fighting. I have been witness to some of their blowouts and let me tell you, it's quite the dramatic event. They could have sold tickets to their fights! I remember looking at them one time and wondering why in the world they were still together. Yes, there were happy times in their relationship. I just thought it was odd that they hung on as long as they did since they fought so much, and fought so strongly. I came to the conclusion that they brought out the worst in each other. As much as they loved each other, it wouldn't ever work due to this fact. They simply were not good together. And I am finally realizing that Michael and I are in a similar relationship.
He does some things that make me angry and/or sad. But my way of dealing with the anger and/or sadness has not been healthy recently. I completely flip out. It's like I'm not capable of tampering down the explosion. He doesn't deserve for me to treat him like that. Just as I don't deserve to be hurt in the same way, time after time.
I'm sure you've all heard of the song "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough", right? Michael and I do love each other. There's not a doubt in either of our minds about that fact. But is it enough? I can't control my temper. He can't control his priorities. It's the same story over and over again. I'm tired of being angry at him and hurting him. I'm tired of him being angry at me and hurting me. To put it bluntly, I'm not good for him anymore. I beat him down more than I make him happy. I hate it, but it's there. And it seems that no matter how hard I try to change it, I can't. Which then boils down to the fact that Michael and I are now bringing out the worst in each other.
Throw onto the whole deal that he is moving to Montana at the end of the month. So it seems a little silly that I am getting all crazy on him when he's leaving anyways.
Needless to say, I have some issues that I need to work on for myself. Not work on for Michael, not work on for my family or friends, but work on for myself. I've been a little unstable pretty much this whole year and I owe it to myself to regain my sense of stability. Or at least learn how to deal with instability better without resorting to the mentioned anger issues. I need to get back to focusing on the internal Jessica and start from there. I can't treat other people well until I start treating myself well. I need to get away from the drama-queen attitude I've been living with lately. I need to, as they say, "Take a chill pill". I need to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself when my life is actually quite good.
So there you have it. A moment of truth and honesty. I love Michael and Michael loves me, but sometimes love just ain't enough. We both deserve better.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Now I'm going to proceed on to the venting process. And I'm warning you, I'm going off here......
I'm not manipulated very easily. I myself used to be pretty damn sneaky in that area. And though I no longer choose manipulation as a pathetic attempt to twist others, I remember the signs and the tricks. I can spot someone doing some manipulating miles away. Just because I don't call you on it doesn't mean I don't see it. And haven't you noticed that I haven't responded to it? Shouldn't that be a sign to throw in the towel? That your attempts are flawed and failing? That I haven't fallen into your trap? But then again, I've heard that denial is a wonderful land to live in when reality isn't exactly how you want it.
It just amazes me there are actually people out there that are so completely delusional as to continue trying to get in my way, when to me- they don't exist. It's not even possible for them to get in my way. The only thing they accomplish is annoying me. I do have to give them that much credit. But annoy me only. Which must be a disappointment to them as I'm not falling to the ground in unstable emotional tears. Nor am I worried about any words that come out of their mouths. Nor does it have any impact on my life except for the above stated annoyance.
If I don't talk to you, there's probably a reason...... Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.
Ah..... thank you. I feel better now. Occasional emotional purging is good for the soul. Just as "Airborne" (the stuff that's supposed to fight off incoming sickness), Vitamin C, and Echinacea are good for the body when someone you've been around a lot (namely Chad) brings not-so good tidings of strep throat into your immediate vicinity. (Which we do hope for timely healing for the lad.)
Monday, November 17, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Self Explanatory Title
Cook. I have mentioned this before here. I can whip up a decent dish with little to no previous knowledge of a recipe. I am aware of tastes that go together and tastes that absolutely do NOT go together. I can go to the store and randomly grab ingredients and end up with something delicious. As an added bonus, I actually enjoy cooking. I can cook pretty well.
Make up silly lawsuits. I mentioned one of these ideas here. Here is a short list of silly lawsuits so that I can sue people and live off court winnings.
1- The previously said Frito-Lay lawsuit
2- Swanson. Their Hungry Man frozen dinners. So very very sexist. What- just because I'm a hungry woman I can't eat them?
3- Play-doh. Nowhere on the packaging does it say to not ingest this salty treat.
4- The company that makes Sour Patch Kids. Like the Frito-Lay lawsuit, there is no warning as to the tongue damage done due to eating a gazillion of these candies.
I could go on and on with silly lawsuits. That's something I do pretty well.
Fix things and pretend to be McGyver. I like using my hands. I like putting things together and even fixing things. Once, I took about my DVD player since it wasn't working. I played around with it for a while, put it all back together, and it worked! Michael's towel rack fell off the wall the other day. Not having a screwdriver, I grabbed a steak knife and proceeded to put the thing back together. It's now extremely secure. If something is broken, I will tinker with it and end up with it being fixed. There's also the time that Chad and I went to blow up his raft to go floating at East Canyon. But the pump we borrowed didn't have the right hose to hook into the raft. Putting our heads together, we assembled our own hose. With a tampon applicator. I can fix things and pretend to be McGyver pretty well.
Sing. Though very very few people have ever experienced this knowledge. I would sing in choir and do solos in church and seminary growing up. But for some reason, I do not like singing in front of people. Oddly enough, my voice is quite decent. So though I won't prove it to you, I can sing pretty well.
Math. I like math and do it for fun. 'Nuff said. I can do math pretty well.
Speed-read. I am a natural speed-reader. Give me a book and I'll read 400 pages within a couple hours. This is not something I have worked at, this just comes naturally to me. I can speed-read pretty well.
Gift-giving. I am an awesome gift-giver. Most of my Christmas gifts for those closest to me are homemade, or have some sentimentality attached to it. I usually remember things that people have mentioned that they want. But again, I usually focus on homemade or sentimental gifts. I personally believe that it's better to give someone something that you put some work into or that would remind them of a special memory or be specifically designed for that individual. I give gifts pretty well.
So there you have it- a list of some things I can do pretty well. And just since it's a beautiful Friday, here is a clip from my sister's performance at Solid Ground Cafe. (She also has a amazingly wonderful CD out if you are interested.) Enjoy!
Monday, November 10, 2008
I believe in intuition. I believe that there is a little part of one's brain or soul or wherever the button's hidden that has a forsight that we cannot understand and some fail to utilize.
"Mother's Intuition" is considered an acceptable form of this internal power. It's known and accepted. But what about those of us that still feel this little power and have no children to explain our highly attuned sense of knowledge? (And men?)
I fight intution. I'm not sure why I do this. As stated above, I believe in it. It's possible that as I constantly doubt myself, I doubt ALL parts of myself. It's possible that as I have so many ponderous thoughts inside my head, I fail to sort through what is just random brain activity compared to actual intution that is screaming for attention. It's possible that I am simply unable to determine what intution is exactly. It's also possible that I have ended up getting in trouble for following my intuition and sometimes doubt that it's beneficial. Whatever the reason, I fight it.
There have been times when I confuse intuition with a lack of trust. Is it something internal telling me something, or is it my own lack of trust trying to catch somebody in the act? The thing that absolutely gets me is no matter how much I tell myself that it's just me being untrusting, there's always been something to find. Whether it be intution, or everyone is guilty of hiding something, I don't know. (Don't jump to conclusions- I'm talking about my entire life and not just since I've been with Michael.)
When I got my DUI, I was getting ready to leave a lot earlier than I ended up staying. Chad and I had been at Green Street for long enough and we were just about done. My intution told me to leave. Someone showed up and we ended up staying later. And drinking more. Would I have been fine if I listened to my intuition? Possibly. Would I have ended up getting a DUI at some point? Probably. So in that instance, it was inevitable that I was going to get "caught" at some point. Intuition could possibly have prevented it that night, but not forever.
I failed my intuition today. One of the small failings that doesn't impact my life in any serious way whatsoever. When I was walking out this morning, intuition told me to grab my camera. Instead of doing that, my brain took over and said "Why? What would you take a picture of that's any different than every other day?". But on the way to work as I was stopped at a stoplight, I looked over towards the 7-11 on the corner. And there were two bright white (seriously BRIGHT white) pigeons taking a bath in a puddle against the curb. It was such a beautiful sight, actually. Among the dirt and rain and darkness were two white pigeons brightening everything up. So I should have had my camera......
I am going to start paying more attention to the prodding of intuition, that internal voice in my head, that insistence.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
I'm not a big candy person. I have never been known for having a sweet tooth. And I'm not even a fan of chocolate, for the most part. So I'm surprising myself right now by enjoying a chocolate candy bar. I mean, really enjoying it! So I've decided to make a list of the top 10 candy bars/candy that I actually enjoy every now and then. Most of them will not be chocolate-related. But here are the top 10 sweets in my book.
10: Mister Goodbar. Which is currently the candy bar I am eating right now.
9: Skittles. Except for the red and orange ones.
8: Laffy Taffy. Chewy goodness.
7: Swedish Fish. Just the red ones.
6: Mike and Ike's. Except for the red and orange ones.
5: Reese's Pieces. Mostly for the insides, not the chocolate.
4: Twix. The one chocolate that makes it into my top 5 for actually being chocolate.
3: Salted Nut Roll. Salt and marshmallow. Perfect.
2: Mentos. All of them.
1: Sour Patch Kids. Just can't eat too many or the tongue hurts.
So there you go. My list of sweets. In case you really needed to know what sugary goodness I enjoy. (Don't pretend like it wasn't just killing you inside to not know!)
I have found a place to live when Michael leaves!!! It's been a HUGE stress for me not knowing that I'll have a place to stay when Michael goes. But a co-worker that is my friend actually asked if I wanted to come stay at her house. She has a 2-story house in Sandy with 2 extra bedrooms and I can bring Sunni. So that's the plan. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Sometimes, thing do work out. I'm still going to miss Michael with everything I have, but at least I am strong enough to do what I have to do and continue on with my life. As long as you do your part, the Universe will provide.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
I declared today as "Jessica Appreciation Day" due to my desperate need to feel loved and cared for these days.
Me and 7 of my close friends are getting together for dinner for this celebration.
I just thought you all should be aware of this new national holiday.
What I absolutely do NOT understand is a friend who interferes in your relationship, who tries to talk you out of being with someone, who manipulates and interferes and spreads lies in a crude attempt towards watching the relationship fail. I do not understand why someone can actually consider themselves a friend while constantly and intentionally causing grief. I do not understand how someone can claim that they love someone and care about them, but have no respect for what that person wants and needs. I do not understand how being a good friend consists of lying and exaggerating and being completely unsupportive and selfish. Does this make sense to anyone else?
I like to surround myself with people that help bring me up, not tear me down. I like to have friends that help me when I need help and give me advice when I ask, but don't stick their noses where they don't belong. I like to surround myself with people that are true and genuine and open-minded to other people's differences. This is who I am and this is who I desire around me.
And because I surround myself with these people, I am extremely loyal and even somewhat protective. If anyone says something bad about those I hold near and dear, I will rush to defend that person. My family, my friend, Michael. It doesn't matter. I will rush to defend them and be anywhere from slightly annoyed to angry that they would even say something bad about them. Even while going through all this with Michael, my friends and family still do not voice negative thoughts about him to me.
My point is that true friends build you up and support you. UNtrue friends try to sabatoge happiness and try to make decisions FOR you so that your attention never wavers to someone else. Whether it be due to feelings one has for the person, whether it be a poor self-image, whether it be the need to dominate, whatever. It's not a true and healthy friendship.
So thank you to my good friends. My friends who raise me up and let me live my life how I want to. I love you.
Monday, November 3, 2008
I was going to blog about Michael. I was going to blog about his "friends". I was going to blog about how I'm feeling. I was going to blog about my impending homelessness (is that a word????). But I changed my mind.
Instead, I am going to blog about the weather. Or how my day is going. Or my dog. Or my Halloween night. Or how I need to get working on Christmas presents. Or how I need to replace the CV something in my car. Or how I'm working 10 hours of overtime a week to put towards paying off my loan.
Anything but Michael.
Final result: I'm blogging about online crushes.
I must be honest and admit that I have online crushes. People I have never met and never will meet. Yet I have crushes on them all the same. I used to play on Myspace until I remembered that I'm not a 16-year-old girl. So I got over that. My only online social contact is this here blogspot. Which means that these online crushes are on a person or persons that blog here. Intruguing perhaps?
It stems from how writing a blog actually exhibits part of one's personality. The small part of ourselves that we allow to expose to the world. Meaning my blog isn't ME. There are parts of me in it, but it's not ME. Just as I know that my online crushes are on bits of people's personalities. Maybe with someone it's the way that they write. Maybe with someone else it's the stories they tell. Or maybe it's for a completely different reason altogether. There's no rhyme or reason to it. It exists solely because it exists.
So........ do I have a crush on you? Only I know.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Michael has friends. Friends that I previously discussed. The story is this: months ago they were having financial problems and were in danger of losing their house. Michael sat down with them and worked out a budget with them as a way to save their house. All they had to do was follow it and they would be okay. But buying new guns and alcohol is a priority, apparently. Their house is getting forclosed on this month. And they want to move to Montana with Michael. Like I stated before, I simply cannot live with a household of people. It would seriously be almost a gun-in-mouth situation for me. So as stated earlier, I told Michael that I cannot live with them.
Michael has chosen to move to Montana with them and leave me behind.
So for those of you that wanted me to stick around Utah, your wish has been granted.
I'm a little heartbroken. But I'm also a little uplifted. I put my life on hold for the last couple of months. Yep, put my life on hold for Michael. So at least now I can have my life back, right? I can do what I want to do without having to worry about him. I can rediscover myself on my own terms. And that's not a bad thing.
I can't lie and pretend that everything is okay. It's not. I am being left behind and that's something I never thought would happen by Michael. But I suppose you can never really know somebody.
I just need to remind myself that it's just one person. Not every man cheats. And not every man stomps all over your heart. Not every man hurts. I need to keep that in focus to prevent myself from completely giving up.
And now I find myself homeless, yet again. I'm fighting tears and I'm fighting the desire to give up. I'm fighting myself for control. I'm fighting despair. I'm fighting for my sanity and I'm fighting for ME.
One day at a time.
I cannot and do not hate Michael. He is making a decision the he feels is right and I cannot fault him for that. He wants to help his friends and I think that's admirable. I just get tired of being the sacrifice of someone else's worthy cause. I get tired of being the one left behind.
I am not a spiteful person. And I do not hold grudges. I hope that Michael is making the right choice for himself. I hope that he is happy and is able to enjoy life. Sincerely.
If you ask me if I am alright, my answer is: I WILL BE.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
So the question is: How in the world do I exercise that part of my brain that doesn't consist of numbers? How do I gain further knowledge in different aspects when I don't have an outlet for the knowledge? How do I educate myself on things that won't be graded, reviewed, or assessed? Reading creates knowledge, I know that much. But what to read? Do I just sign up for a new library card and run around grabbing history books and philosophy books and religious books and psychology/sociology/zoology books?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
This is a cryptic one that means something to me but may not necessarily mean anything to anyone else. And it's somewhat long. But I'm sharing it anyways. :)
the senseless and abondoneless
meet in a room filled with cigarette smoke
and the scent of coffee that's been brewing for hours
foreign and bold
familiar and comforting
i hear the words that are spoken with deaf ears
there's that girl that broke your heart
i accidentally hurt myself yet didn't realize it until I was healing
now i carry bandaids in my purse
it's been a long time since i've won the game
and even then the game was lost
no promises to give you answers
no questions you've ever asked
i'm cage-dancing in my mind
but not one goddamn person is watching
no one but my alter ego
the other woman that hides inside me
the woman of extremes and waterfalls
tenderness and guilt
do not disembark on the journey without your medallions
of all the conquests you've claimed victory before
accepted and understood in the world you are headed to
implanted is the virus
you flounder and i wonder
then i wander and you give chase
the seams come undone it seems
nobody on the phone
has it all been my fault?
the bottomless pit of disrepair
the power outage of tranquility
been doing it for a while yet just realized I'd been doing it all along
too concerned to tell the truth
innocent love can hurt more
the lonely and saturated can pierce
feel like speaking, feel like being listened to
shaking with the knowledge that i could've been hurt
the sountrack of pornography while reading the Bible
there are people that actually see me
and then there are people that look
do you look or do you see?
chaos doesn't become you
good thing you push me away before I get too close
try not to regret it if you give it a second thought
though the memories are too common
the sordid affair not so sordid after all
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Note to self: Do not push Chad while loosely holding change for a Mountain Dew. Inevitabely, said Chad will fling his arm back at you. Which will jar loose the change. Which will then fly at a very high velocity and hit you hard (and loudly) in the head.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
No, I didn't get the date wrong. I'm writing about the events of October 23rd, 2007. This is how my day went a year ago tomorrow:
I got dressed up all pretty. Nice slacks, a nice button-up shirt, nice shoes. I didn't wear a hat, which is unual for me around this time of year. I proceeded to come in to work and put in a couple of hours. Then I left for a long lunch. I went down the street a ways and walked into a building. In that building, I heard the following (not in the same wording AT ALL):
"Your sentencing is as follows:
20 mandatory outpatient substance abuse classes
104 self-help AA meetings
Random drug and alcohol testing
16-hour Prime For Life DUI class
1-hour Freeway Watch meeting
48 hours of community service in liu of 2 days in jail
Interlock device installed in vehicle
Monthly supervised probation
Alcohol restricted license for the next 2 years
We will see you back here in 90 days to review your case."
Yep, that was October 23rd, 2007. Not a good day for me. But October 23rd, 2008 will be much better!
I have done my time and satisfied all my probationary requirements. And though I was previously released from my more intrusive "supervised probation", starting tomorrow I can get rid of the word "probation" in any sense of the word from my vocabulary. No probationary status. No worries of probation violation. Not under probation, or on probation. No probationary period.
Probation? What's that?
Monday, October 20, 2008
Arizona. My little sister Emily got her mission call and opened it last night. I was supposed to be there, but spaced it since I was curled into a ball all day due to cramps. (TMI?) Tucson, Arizona. This is something that I have avoided talking about and thinking about. I love my entire family. I am very lucky since they really are all amazing people that I'm honestly close to. I don't have to pretend to like any of them. But Emily..... I was 8 years old when Emily was born and at that age, all I wanted to do was be her second mommy. I would try to beat my mom to Emily's crib when she was crying in the night. I'd hang out with Emily all the time. So there's this feeling that I have for Emily that I don't have with any of my other siblings. Including my older brother and sister who I grew up with. And Emily is leaving. I have mixed feelings. I do not consider myself a member of the LDS church. I don't follow the teachings and don't believe in those beliefs. But I have always been of the attitude of letting people be who they are and believe what they want- and support them in that. So I am so extremely proud of Emily for choosing to go on a mission. It's going to be such an exciting thing for her and I truly believe that she will have a great time and strengthen her views and beliefs. Which is excellent. But on the flip side- I don't want her to go. It's hard for me to imagine family dinners without her being there. It's hard for me to imagine not being able to call or text her whenever I feel like it. There's going to be a big piece of our family missing for a year and a half. And though it's for a good thing, it's still hard. And the thing is- she's leaving December 17th for the MTC. What in the world is Christmas going to be without her? And my hell- that's less than 2 months away! I need to adjust.
Montana. If things go the way they are looking, I'll be moving. Most likely to Montana. Michael is getting transferred and he's supposed to find out today where he is headed. And I have decided to go with him. The only possible problem is that some friends of his want to move to Montana, too. That in itself isn't the problem. I'd be glad that Michael would have some friends with him. The problem is that they may need a place to live for a while. Going from living by myself for 4 years to living with another person and another dog is an adjustment in itself. But there's absolutely no way that I could stand to live with Michael, 2 grown adults, two teenagers, two kids, an infant, FOUR dogs and some cats. I would NOT be able to stand it. So if Michael makes the decision to live with them, even until they get on their feet, I'm not going. When I say it like that, it makes me sound like I'm making him choose between them and me. Which is absolutely not the case. If I knew that I would be okay with all those people around, I would be absolutely fine with helping them out. But I know for a fact that there's no possible way that I could remain sane in that environment. I'm used to quiet. I'm used to my alone time. I'm used to walking around in my underwear. I hate interruptions and distractions and noise. And I'm a borderline insomniac. Do you see my dilema? So depending on whether this family finds a way to help themselves, I may or may not be moving. To Montana.
So there you have it. Two very big things that have been preying on my mind that I needed to just get out. I'm on shaky ground right now with my emotions. I'm fighting the stress that is trying to build up inside me. I'm taking herbal supplement type meds to help out with certain aspects of my psyche that need some fine-tuning. I keep alternating between feeling excited and optimistic, to feeling terrified and hopeless. At work I'm either pushing myself harder and harder, or sitting and staring out the window. I just really need to know what my immediate future holds. I can't prepare for it when it's unknown. I'm a coward when it comes to change until it happens. Once the change happens, I'm able to acclimate very well and adapt and adjust. But right now- when I know Emily is leaving but she hasn't gone yet- and when I know Michael is leaving with or without me but he/we haven't gone yet- this is when my anxiety comes out and parades itself down the Main Street of my mind.
Comfort food. Soup. That's what I need.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Lady 1- "Are you serious?"
Lady 2- "Yep. Can you believe she said that?"
L1- "What a bitch. Do you think any of it is true? I know she is trying to come between them, but COULD he be cheating?"
L2- "No way. I totally don't get that vibe from him. You know?"
L1- "Maybe. I just don't trust men. Any man. Not after what Jeff put me through."
L2- Laughs. "Yah, I know what you mean. He was such a dick. You are SO better off without him."
L1- "I know. So should we tell Sarah what Jenny said? Or should be just pretend we never heard anything and see what happens on Saturday?"
L2- "Let's let it be for now. But I'm going to keep my eye on him at the party to see how he acts. And if he hurts Sarah, I'll cut off his balls."
And then I got on the elevator and missed the rest of the conversation. So what I took from it is that L1 and L2 are friends with Sarah who is with some guy. Rumors about the guy cheating are apparently being spread by Jenny who is trying to come between them. And L1 was cheated on by someone named Jeff.
The thing that gets me, the reason I'm even blogging about it is because I didn't hear this conversation going on between two people in person. L1 was talking on her cell phone with L2. ON SPEAKER! Why in the world would you have a conversation like that and keep it on speakerphone????? L1 was walking to the building as I was and was just holding her phone in front of her and having the above conversation. WHAT????? As admitted to before, I'm a voyer and like to hear other people's conversations. But only when I make the effort to do it. I don't like it being shoved down my throat. I just don't understand why someone wouldn't think that maybe, just maybe, that's a conversation that would be better left private.
But.... it also gives me an idea. I'm thinking it would be fun to have certain conversations on speaker-phone in public. About bodily functions. Or explicit details of someone's sex life. Or how the "operation" went. Or about the status of a rash. Or about the results of an STD test and if it is treatable. Or any other tabboo subject that no decent or sane person would talk about loudly on speaker-phone in public......
Monday, October 13, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I just got off the phone with a policyholder. (I work for an insurance company, if you didn't already know that.) This particular policyholder is a MALE policyholder. He was worried about a claim that he didn't need to worry about. So I literally said to him:
"Don't worry your pretty little head about it."
?????? WHAT ??????
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Anyways, so I zapped the giant pregnant spider with a tiny bit of Raid in order to disorient it so that it wasn't able to cling to the towel and/or progress further towards my hand in vengeance. It was huge enough that it made an audible THUNK when it hit the floor. The idea was to squash it immediately after hitting the floor since I feel absolutely horrible by letting spiders die a long painful death from Raid suffocation. But, just after the audible THUNK, my cell phone rang. It was the people that were there to pick up my entertainment center that I so artistically illustrated yesterday. They came and picked up the entertainment center with my assistance since my muscles are so huge. I immediately went back to the dark and gloomy bathroom to find that the huge giant pregnant spider was no longer visable.....
Monday, October 6, 2008
Moving is a big giant pain. I assure you. And it's an even bigger pain when you aren't capable of throwing anything away. Until you need to move and get angry at how much crap you have accumulated since moving in to your apartment. I have BAGS and BAGS of just crap that I'm throwing away. I have BAGS and BAGS of crap that I'm giving to the DI. I have BAGS and BAGS of clothing and things like that which is all heading over to Michael's. Basically, I'm the bag lady.
And here is my extremely crude drawing of an entertainment center that I am giving away for free. Which actually looks nothing like the actual entertainment center itself. But I've been sending it in response to inquiries, anyways. Because I'm crazy like that.
Final thing for any Family Guy fans: Haven't you heard? Bird is the word.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
As I have been living out of a suitcase for the past 2 months, I haven't carried around all my clothes. Obviously. So I've been packing around a few pairs of jeans and left the others at my apartment. In packing up my clothes to bring to Michael's, I have rediscovered all my other billion pairs of jeans. Seriously, how many jeans does one person need? As I can't own jeans and have them go to waste, I have been wearing the other lonely jeans in for the past two days.
Yesterday as I was leaving Michael's (soon to just be called "home") in the morning, a random though popped into my head saying "There's something funny about the legs of these pants." But Michael was sleeping and I was already out the door. So I just left. When I got to work, I looked dow and sure enough, I remembered exactly WHY I didn't tow these particular pants around. The last time I wore them, I noticed that the bottom hem was ripped and hanging. I stepped on the hem to rip off part of it, and it did more than that. It ripped off the whole bottom and then ripped up the leg a bit. So I walked around yesterday with a severe case of pants that looked like bell-bottom floods.
Back to my butt. The seam in the back is off. You know what I'm talking about- the seam that is supposed to go up the crack. It's off. It's more on one cheek than in the middle. And it bothers me. It's not like it's a big deal. Unless someone is doing a careful examination of my butt, they wouldn't even notice. But I do.
My point is- moving is a good thing as it forces you to get rid of the junk and crap and pants that you don't wear for a reason. And a giant box of stuffed animals that have no memories attached to them. Not even one small memory.....
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
I have decided that Michael's house is haunted. I know that some people scoff at the idea of ghosts, spirits, leftover energy, whatever you want to call them. And everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But my opinion is that there are such things as the supernatural and there's something in Michael's house. Hear me out.
There have been a few times that I have actually heard someone talking to me while I am almost asleep. It's been a whisper here and there, and an actual quiet voice here and there. It doesn't scare me, it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable or anything like that, so I don't even mind it. Which may sound wierd considering that something is talking to me when I'm at Michael's house alone. But I just don't get a bad feeling about it.
With my whole living situation, Michael and I have decided to cohabitate. Live together. I'm moving in. (Wahoo!) Michael decided that since I'll be living there and he's gone a lot that he'd feel more comfortable with me having a shotgun handy. He sat me down and went through the process with me. It's ingrained in my head now. Push up button, cock it (click click!), flip off the safety, push the button for the flashlight if needed, and BOOM! I have a small fear of guns, but only because I don't understand them. Knowing how to protect myself if it came down to it feels good. So I am armed and dangerous now when it comes to someone trying to break in to rape and kill me.
Anyways, so I had brought over some bags of clothes to Michael's house last night. I threw some clothes in the washer and went outside to read. After the insistent beep-beep of the washer letting me know it was done, I went back downstairs to throw the clothes in the dryer. That was when I heard someone walking around upstairs. I'm not kidding, I'm not exagerating, whatever. Someone was walking around upstairs and that's a fact. I felt real terror. My heart started pumping, I started sweating. Pictures of me raped and killed flashed through my head. I thought about how it would hurt my friends and family. I wondered who would find my body. I'm not kidding, people- these are actual thoughts that I had while I was just standing there frozen in terror. And then I got pissed. The shotgun is in the bedroom upstairs. I was stuck in the landry room downstairs. How was I going to get to the gun? I looked around the landry room for something, anything, to defend myself and give me the distraction I needed to get to the gun. The only thing I found was a can of brake parts cleaner which we use as spider-killer. So I grabbed the can and shook it to get it ready. I crept up the stairs as silently as I could. I couldn't see anyone in the kitchen so I made my way to the bedroom. Dropped the break-parts cleaner and grabbed the shotgun. Got it all ready to be fired with the exception of the safety, as I wouldn't want to panic at something stupid and shoot a hole in Michael's wall. I looked like a bad-ass, actually. Little 5 foot tall, 95 pound me with a big old shotgun. Anyways, so I went through the entire apartment checking the closets and dark corners. Nothing. Both the front and back doors were still locked up tight. The place was empty. At least it was empty of a living breathing human being (other than myself, obviously).
Now if I had been drinking or sleeping, I could tell myself that I imagined it. But I genuinely did not imagine this. I don't have a super-active imagination that actually makes me imagine sounds and the like. It was real.
I'm not scared of the ghost walking around and talking to me. I just wish it would do it a little more quietly so I didn't assume I was going to be violently attacked. Maybe if I ask nicely????