My Nightmare

I just barely remembered my nightmare I had last night. It's pretty sick.

I was following a Jeep in my car and we were trying to get through a mountain pass to get home. Someone had warned us about the bad roads on this particular mountain pass. The Jeep in front of me drove into a cave-type place but the road looked like it kept going. All of the sudden, it switched (as dreams tend to do) and me and Sunni (my dog) were walking towards this big gate. There was a legend about how there's a monster that lives behind the gate. In looking at the gate I saw this huge stone monster guy walking towards us. Sunni and I tried to hide behind a wall but the huge stone monster guy turned his head with his gleaming red eyes and stared at us. The next thing I know, the monster guy (who is human now) had Sunni and I couldn't get to her because there was a wall of...... like soccer goal post netting stuff that was blocking me. So I pulled out a lighter and started trying to burn a hole in the netting so I could get to Sunni. He laughed at me and put Sunni up to his mouth and took a bite out of her neck. Then it switched again and I was in a room with my family and some other random people I don't know and the bad guy. He was running around with knives and razors and was cutting everyone up. I was screaming and trying to get away and another person in the room (I don't know who it was) started fighting back but the bad guy stabbed him. There were bodies all over the floor and it was pretty much a blood-bath. The bad guy (who kept changing from a man to a woman back and forth) trapped me against the stairs and with his knives, almost cut my leg off at the knee. He then grabbed a fork and stabbed someone that was dead on the ground and was twisting the fork around in their skin.

And then I woke up. Pretty sick and disturbing, huh? Think maybe I'm a little stressed?

Much Love!

My New Best Friends

Today I have some new best friends. Their names are:

Halls Mentho-Lyptus Cough Drops
Vicks DayQuil
Gatorade
Lipton Soup
Ibu Profen

Yep, lucky me. I slowly drifted out of a deep slumber this morning when I realized that things are not as they should be. I could not swallow without feeling as if there were needles scraping the inside of my throat. I could not get comfortable due to spasming of my uterus (cramps). I just stayed in the fetal position for a while when also trying not to salivate so I wouldn't have to swallow. Finally got a heavy dose of Ibu Profen in my system and called work to say I may not make it in. And then I fell back into a deep and heavy slumber.

And here I am at work......

I realized that if I intend on taking off three days the week after Christmas, I couldn't take more than 4 hours off today. Though my throat hurts and I'm on drugs, I at least mostly feel alive. And capable of working. The sacrifice so that I can be off work for 8 entire days starting on Christmas. What bliss!

My plans for tonight? Hitting the redbox after work to grab a movie or two, throwing on my most comfortable pajamas, making myself a cup of tea, and sitting on the couch staring at the images on the TV screen while sipping on soup broth. That's after I raid Michael's medicine cabinet and steal a Vitamin C pill.

Die, sickness! Die!

Much Love!

This Made Me Temporarily Smile

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Goodbyes

I hate goodbyes. Simply hate them. With my mother living in Kansas for most of my life, you'd think I should be experienced at saying goodbye. Or at least that I should be used to not being around everyone I love whenever I want to. But I haven't and I'm not.

I'm very emotional while writing this. I'm crying at work, which you should all know by now I absolutely abhor.

I had to say goodbye to Emily yesterday. She is leaving on Wednesday for the MTC (Missionary Training Center). And I will not be seeing her for a year and a half. Yes, time passes by so quickly. I know that in my head. But in my heart...... well, that's a different story.

I quickly gave her the Christmas present I made her. She was running out the door. We hugged and I fought the tears and emotions going through me. I lost. I clung to my mom in the kitchen while everyone was bustling around trying to leave for church or head back home to Huntington from the weekend. My mom said "Let's just let it out". And I said "I need to do this alone". But I kept crying. Emily had tears in her eyes and so I couldn't stop. I left and got back to Michael's. I crawled back into bed with him and tried again to not cry. I slept. And I slept some more. (Sleep is my comfort.) Michael went to work. And I let myself go. I cried. I talked to myself. I talked to Emily though she wasn't there. I hugged our dogs. I cried until my stomach hurt and my contacts wouldn't stay in and my face and eyes were flourescent.

And then I cried some more knowing that coming home to Michael and crawling back into bed with him with his arms around me is not happening anymore, either. He is leaving and I will have to say goodbye to him.

There are two VERY important people in my life that I am having to say goodbye to within the space of about 10 days. Did I mention that I hate goodbyes? Two people that helped fill my life and my heart. Obviously, they will still be in my life and my heart. But their absence will be great and my life will feel a little bit more empty. It already does.

So please forgive me if I start posting more boringly emotional blogs. I need to work through the goodbyes. I need to write about the goodbyes and cry about the goodbyes. And I need to share just how much these particular goodbyes are going to hurt. I need to share my pain, I suppose.

Did I mention that I hate goodbyes?

But: At least for tonight I can temporarily put aside my sadness by stuffing my face full of lasagna and cheese bread in between talking-with-my-mouth-full conversations with a good good friend. Blessed distractions.

Much Love!

A Moment Of Truth

There are some people that run through life constantly criticizing themselves and beating themselves down. There are some people that run through life never admitting their wrongs and believing they could walk on water if they tried. I am neither of these people.

I am not an unhappy person. I don't hate myself or my life. But I also can admit my faults and accept the negative things that come with me. And today I'm admitting something that is a little hard for me to admit, but no less the truth for it.

I have become the crazy, angry girlfriend. Or maybe I have been all along but just now actually noticed it. I'm not sure. Either way, the truth is that I have been mean to Michael recently. Picking fights, slamming doors, etc. When we are doing well, we are doing REALLY well. But when we are doing bad, we are doing REALLY bad. Our relationship has always been intense. A lot of ups and downs. It seems as if we live in one extreme or the other and I'm not sure that we are capable of just living in between.

What I mean by that is this: I have a friend that I'll just call "L". L and her ex-boyfriend T were constantly fighting. I have been witness to some of their blowouts and let me tell you, it's quite the dramatic event. They could have sold tickets to their fights! I remember looking at them one time and wondering why in the world they were still together. Yes, there were happy times in their relationship. I just thought it was odd that they hung on as long as they did since they fought so much, and fought so strongly. I came to the conclusion that they brought out the worst in each other. As much as they loved each other, it wouldn't ever work due to this fact. They simply were not good together. And I am finally realizing that Michael and I are in a similar relationship.

He does some things that make me angry and/or sad. But my way of dealing with the anger and/or sadness has not been healthy recently. I completely flip out. It's like I'm not capable of tampering down the explosion. He doesn't deserve for me to treat him like that. Just as I don't deserve to be hurt in the same way, time after time.

I'm sure you've all heard of the song "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough", right? Michael and I do love each other. There's not a doubt in either of our minds about that fact. But is it enough? I can't control my temper. He can't control his priorities. It's the same story over and over again. I'm tired of being angry at him and hurting him. I'm tired of him being angry at me and hurting me. To put it bluntly, I'm not good for him anymore. I beat him down more than I make him happy. I hate it, but it's there. And it seems that no matter how hard I try to change it, I can't. Which then boils down to the fact that Michael and I are now bringing out the worst in each other.

Throw onto the whole deal that he is moving to Montana at the end of the month. So it seems a little silly that I am getting all crazy on him when he's leaving anyways.

Needless to say, I have some issues that I need to work on for myself. Not work on for Michael, not work on for my family or friends, but work on for myself. I've been a little unstable pretty much this whole year and I owe it to myself to regain my sense of stability. Or at least learn how to deal with instability better without resorting to the mentioned anger issues. I need to get back to focusing on the internal Jessica and start from there. I can't treat other people well until I start treating myself well. I need to get away from the drama-queen attitude I've been living with lately. I need to, as they say, "Take a chill pill". I need to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself when my life is actually quite good.

So there you have it. A moment of truth and honesty. I love Michael and Michael loves me, but sometimes love just ain't enough. We both deserve better.

Much Love!

Christmas Story Rip-Off

'Twas the day after Thanksgiving and all through my parent's house

Every creature was stirring though we already ate the mouse

All the leftovers stuffed in the refrigerator with care

In the hopes that I'd eat them, and maybe even share

The children were downstairs playing the Wii

While visions of bowling kept coming to me

And mom in her kitchen chair and her hands in her lap

Had just woken up from a Black Friday nap

While inside the bathroom I heard such a clatter

Zipping up my pants wondered what was the matter

Away to the front room I flew like a flash

Tore open the door and suffered whiplash

The lights in the kitchen were starting to glow

Shining flourescent rays on the people below

And what to my wondering eyes should appear?

But my brother that lives in Kansas standing right here!

Okay, enough of the poem. Basically, yes. My brother surprised us with a visit. He got in the day after Thanksgiving and left two days later on Sunday. My sister's farewell was on Sunday and he wanted to be here for that. It was awesome! When I saw him I couldn't even believe what I was seeing! A complete surprise, and a very happy one at that. Me, my brother, older sister, and brother-in-law were able to sneak away for some bowling on Saturday. From eating food at our Mongolian family's house on Wednesday (there's a story to that) to going to a movie with the family, to Thanksgiving dinner with the family, to running errands, to spending time with my brother, to going to Emily's open-mic show, to her farewell. It was a busy busy weekend and I absolutely enjoyed every second of it. Except for when I had to leave Emily's farewell early due to food poisoning and spending the next few hours alternating between vomitting and crying. That part wasn't so fun. Note to self- NEVER AGAIN reheat seafood pasta.

On top of that- I know what I'm doing for Christmas presents this year. See, I like to make things. I don't like to go to the store and buy someone for something that they could just buy themselves if they wanted. So my gifts are all sentimental or homemade- or both. Michael and I went to a store and browsed around and I know what I'm doing! I can't say what here as some of these gift-receivers read my blog. But it's splendid!

Anyways, I better get some work done. Sorry for the somewhat boring blog. Just wanted to get an update on my weekend in, I suppose.

One more thing- I figured out that I have enough time off for three days at the end of the month. I am on the work calendar for time off. So basically, I will leave work on Christmas Eve and not come back until January 2nd. Wahoo!! I have no plans to speak of, but it will be great to not be at work for an entire 8 days!

Much Love!

Fun With Play-Doh

I had dinner plans with a girlfriend of mine last night. However, I worked until 6 and we were supposed to meet up at 6:30. I figured that it made more sense to just play at work until the designated time, rather than start driving home then have to turn around before I even GET home. Logical, right?

I pulled up my most favorite thing in the world on the internet. Maybe you've heard of it? It's called Youtube. Once on this site called Youtube, I pulled up a bunch of Judge Judy clips. I adore Judge Judy. As long as I'm not the one being yelled at, of course.

So I'm sitting there listening to Judge Judy when I look over and spy some Play-Doh that I stole from someone on Halloween.

I have to be honest- I have forgotten how extremely fun Play-Doh is! My imagination got a little kick since it hasn't been used in a while.

I then spy a sucker that I forgot was sitting on my desk.

Chad walks over to my desk and....... I'm playing with Play-Doh with a sucker in my mouth. We both laugh as I realize I look like the young lass I once was. Here are three examples of my inate creativity in relation to Play-Doh. I was in the middle of Olympic Rings when I had to leave. But leaving Play-Doh out in the air is a sin, so I had to scrap that project.

Much Love!

Admission

Today I am here to admit that I am affected. This statement will be explained.

While growing up I have been friends with many people that are fascinated by Astrology. You know, your "sign". It's always been a small interest of mine, but nothing that I've ever believed in to the extent that it's fact. I believe that every event in life, every situation you experience, and every day that goes by changes people. I believe that dreams cannot be explained as not one person on this world thinks that same as another. Our minds don't match anyone else's mind. Because of this, the way we see the world and the way we react to changes that occur are different. Which means that no matter what your "sign", no matter what you dream, there's no chance that it's ever going to be just like your Astrology chart reads or the dream books tell you.

I am a Cancer. The homebody, sensitive one that hides behind her shell. I've always thought this description was funny and didn't match me as generally I have no problem sharing my thoughts or feelings. If I am mad at you, you know. If I am happy, you know. But the more I think about it, I realize something. The one situation that I DO hide is sadness and depression. I'm not sure why. Maybe I feel like it's not my place to share this in the event that it brings someone else down? Maybe I don't feel that people deserve to be let in when I'm sad? Maybe I feel like it makes me vulnerable? Whatever the reason, I don't show my sadness very often.

I don't cry in front of people. I'll talk about situations in my life with a straight face and dry eyes and act as if it doesn't affect me. But as stated in my first sentence, I am affected. And today, I am sad. My dear blog readers, I'm letting you in. (It's easier to do anonymously anyways.)

I'm sad and a little bit lost. I'm not to the crying point, I'm not to the breaking down point. I'm mostly just feeling like there's something weighting me down. Like something needs to be done or undone. My friend Lindsay stated in her blog that she feels like something is missing but she doesn't know what. And I have to ditto that sentiment.

Part of it is because since July, I've been through such dramatic ups and downs that I'm struggling to find my place in this world again. Part of it is that I put my whole heart into Michael and now that's toppling down. Part of it is that I'm a creature of habit and when nothing is stable, I get all twisted up inside. Part of it is that I'm not creating anything or producing anything or making a contribution to the world. I go to work, go home, watch movies, go to bed. Repeat. Repeat..... Repeat.............

I'm extremely looking forward for this week with Thanksgiving and then this weekend with time off work. My family has a magical way of making me feel like I'm part of something bigger and greater. They heal me. So I'll get some healing time Wednesday and Thursday with the family. And then I'll have 3 days of no work where I fully intend on doing something for myself. I'm not sure what yet, but I really need to do something that makes me happy and reminds me that times get better.

I am sad and I am affected. This is the truth.

There is also another truth. My mantra. I am loved. No matter what, I am loved. Put the mind soundtrack on repeat. My mantra exists, as do I. I am loved. No matter what, I am loved.

Much Love!

Starting Anew/Venting

First things first: After a long deliberation (not really), I have added another blog. The reason for this is that I know poetry and ponderous thoughts hold absolutely no interest to some people, while others may truly enjoy them. So I'll keep this-here blog for the typical stuff I've been writing, and my other blog will mostly be poetry that I've written throughout the years and any other artsy-fartsy things that catch my interest. Have no fear, my darlings. You are under NO obligation to visit my new blog "Inside Words Out". I'm mostly really liking the idea of getting things that I've written on paper transferred to the computer. I may as well share them in the process, right? So you are more than welcome to check it out (go to my profile and click on "Inside Words Out"), but it absolutely will not hurt my feelings if you don't. Seriously.

Now I'm going to proceed on to the venting process. And I'm warning you, I'm going off here......

I'm not manipulated very easily. I myself used to be pretty damn sneaky in that area. And though I no longer choose manipulation as a pathetic attempt to twist others, I remember the signs and the tricks. I can spot someone doing some manipulating miles away. Just because I don't call you on it doesn't mean I don't see it. And haven't you noticed that I haven't responded to it? Shouldn't that be a sign to throw in the towel? That your attempts are flawed and failing? That I haven't fallen into your trap? But then again, I've heard that denial is a wonderful land to live in when reality isn't exactly how you want it.

It just amazes me there are actually people out there that are so completely delusional as to continue trying to get in my way, when to me- they don't exist. It's not even possible for them to get in my way. The only thing they accomplish is annoying me. I do have to give them that much credit. But annoy me only. Which must be a disappointment to them as I'm not falling to the ground in unstable emotional tears. Nor am I worried about any words that come out of their mouths. Nor does it have any impact on my life except for the above stated annoyance.

If I don't talk to you, there's probably a reason...... Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.

Ah..... thank you. I feel better now. Occasional emotional purging is good for the soul. Just as "Airborne" (the stuff that's supposed to fight off incoming sickness), Vitamin C, and Echinacea are good for the body when someone you've been around a lot (namely Chad) brings not-so good tidings of strep throat into your immediate vicinity. (Which we do hope for timely healing for the lad.)

Much Love!

Thought Of The Day

Just because you are driving a Smart car, it doesn't make you smart. Especially if I'm behind you and have to keep braking because you accelerate and then slow down and then accelerate and then slow down for reasons known only to yourself. And if your left-turn signal is on and you turn right. And if you weigh more than the car itself to the point where imagination cannot even figure out a way that you squashed yourself into the car in the first place.


Much Love!

Things I Can Do Pretty Well

Self Explanatory Title

Cook. I have mentioned this before here. I can whip up a decent dish with little to no previous knowledge of a recipe. I am aware of tastes that go together and tastes that absolutely do NOT go together. I can go to the store and randomly grab ingredients and end up with something delicious. As an added bonus, I actually enjoy cooking. I can cook pretty well.

Make up silly lawsuits. I mentioned one of these ideas here. Here is a short list of silly lawsuits so that I can sue people and live off court winnings.

1- The previously said Frito-Lay lawsuit
2- Swanson. Their Hungry Man frozen dinners. So very very sexist. What- just because I'm a hungry woman I can't eat them?
3- Play-doh. Nowhere on the packaging does it say to not ingest this salty treat.
4- The company that makes Sour Patch Kids. Like the Frito-Lay lawsuit, there is no warning as to the tongue damage done due to eating a gazillion of these candies.
I could go on and on with silly lawsuits. That's something I do pretty well.

Fix things and pretend to be McGyver. I like using my hands. I like putting things together and even fixing things. Once, I took about my DVD player since it wasn't working. I played around with it for a while, put it all back together, and it worked! Michael's towel rack fell off the wall the other day. Not having a screwdriver, I grabbed a steak knife and proceeded to put the thing back together. It's now extremely secure. If something is broken, I will tinker with it and end up with it being fixed. There's also the time that Chad and I went to blow up his raft to go floating at East Canyon. But the pump we borrowed didn't have the right hose to hook into the raft. Putting our heads together, we assembled our own hose. With a tampon applicator. I can fix things and pretend to be McGyver pretty well.



Sing. Though very very few people have ever experienced this knowledge. I would sing in choir and do solos in church and seminary growing up. But for some reason, I do not like singing in front of people. Oddly enough, my voice is quite decent. So though I won't prove it to you, I can sing pretty well.



Math. I like math and do it for fun. 'Nuff said. I can do math pretty well.

Speed-read. I am a natural speed-reader. Give me a book and I'll read 400 pages within a couple hours. This is not something I have worked at, this just comes naturally to me. I can speed-read pretty well.


Gift-giving. I am an awesome gift-giver. Most of my Christmas gifts for those closest to me are homemade, or have some sentimentality attached to it. I usually remember things that people have mentioned that they want. But again, I usually focus on homemade or sentimental gifts. I personally believe that it's better to give someone something that you put some work into or that would remind them of a special memory or be specifically designed for that individual. I give gifts pretty well.

So there you have it- a list of some things I can do pretty well. And just since it's a beautiful Friday, here is a clip from my sister's performance at Solid Ground Cafe. (She also has a amazingly wonderful CD out if you are interested.) Enjoy!

Much Love!

Intuition

There are times that I feel that prodding of intuition, the little voice in my head, the internal insistence on doing something or saying something or prohibiting myself from doing something or saying something. What I really need to do is pay more attention to these little universal hints. I find myself doubting these feelings and thoughts and then end up wondering why I pushed them away in the first place.

I believe in intuition. I believe that there is a little part of one's brain or soul or wherever the button's hidden that has a forsight that we cannot understand and some fail to utilize.

"Mother's Intuition" is considered an acceptable form of this internal power. It's known and accepted. But what about those of us that still feel this little power and have no children to explain our highly attuned sense of knowledge? (And men?)

I fight intution. I'm not sure why I do this. As stated above, I believe in it. It's possible that as I constantly doubt myself, I doubt ALL parts of myself. It's possible that as I have so many ponderous thoughts inside my head, I fail to sort through what is just random brain activity compared to actual intution that is screaming for attention. It's possible that I am simply unable to determine what intution is exactly. It's also possible that I have ended up getting in trouble for following my intuition and sometimes doubt that it's beneficial. Whatever the reason, I fight it.

There have been times when I confuse intuition with a lack of trust. Is it something internal telling me something, or is it my own lack of trust trying to catch somebody in the act? The thing that absolutely gets me is no matter how much I tell myself that it's just me being untrusting, there's always been something to find. Whether it be intution, or everyone is guilty of hiding something, I don't know. (Don't jump to conclusions- I'm talking about my entire life and not just since I've been with Michael.)

When I got my DUI, I was getting ready to leave a lot earlier than I ended up staying. Chad and I had been at Green Street for long enough and we were just about done. My intution told me to leave. Someone showed up and we ended up staying later. And drinking more. Would I have been fine if I listened to my intuition? Possibly. Would I have ended up getting a DUI at some point? Probably. So in that instance, it was inevitable that I was going to get "caught" at some point. Intuition could possibly have prevented it that night, but not forever.

I failed my intuition today. One of the small failings that doesn't impact my life in any serious way whatsoever. When I was walking out this morning, intuition told me to grab my camera. Instead of doing that, my brain took over and said "Why? What would you take a picture of that's any different than every other day?". But on the way to work as I was stopped at a stoplight, I looked over towards the 7-11 on the corner. And there were two bright white (seriously BRIGHT white) pigeons taking a bath in a puddle against the curb. It was such a beautiful sight, actually. Among the dirt and rain and darkness were two white pigeons brightening everything up. So I should have had my camera......

I am going to start paying more attention to the prodding of intuition, that internal voice in my head, that insistence.

Much Love!

Ode To The Candy Bar

I'm not a big candy person. I have never been known for having a sweet tooth. And I'm not even a fan of chocolate, for the most part. So I'm surprising myself right now by enjoying a chocolate candy bar. I mean, really enjoying it! So I've decided to make a list of the top 10 candy bars/candy that I actually enjoy every now and then. Most of them will not be chocolate-related. But here are the top 10 sweets in my book.




10: Mister Goodbar. Which is currently the candy bar I am eating right now.






9: Skittles. Except for the red and orange ones.







8: Laffy Taffy. Chewy goodness.










7: Swedish Fish. Just the red ones.








6: Mike and Ike's. Except for the red and orange ones.












5: Reese's Pieces. Mostly for the insides, not the chocolate.









4: Twix. The one chocolate that makes it into my top 5 for actually being chocolate.





3: Salted Nut Roll. Salt and marshmallow. Perfect.












2: Mentos. All of them.











1: Sour Patch Kids. Just can't eat too many or the tongue hurts.









So there you go. My list of sweets. In case you really needed to know what sugary goodness I enjoy. (Don't pretend like it wasn't just killing you inside to not know!)

:)

Much Love!

Success

My Jessica Appreciation Day dinner was a success. 7 others joined me at the Old Spaghetti Factory for some scrumptious pasta and good conversation.

I usually keep my friends separate. Sequestered in a way. I don't know the exact reasoning for this. Possibly because my friendships are close ones (fewer CLOSE friends rather than a ton of friends not so close) and I like my alone time with them. As I don't spend a lot of time with people (due to the fact that I'm a bit of a hermit), I like my time with them to be quality time.

So it was interesting to get different friends together. We had Hailey and Reid. I work with Hailey and she is an awesome friend. Reid is her husband who I also adore. Then there's Joe. I've known Joe for years now. Back in the day when I actually met people from Myspace (pathetic, I know), he was one of those people. Joe and I became instant friends and I love the guy. Billy. What to say about him? He's my friendship soulmate. Then there's Ray. Ray is Billy's childhood friend who Billy and I lived with in an apartment in Sugarhouse at one point. We'd sit around for hours and throw things up into the ceiling fan and dodge them when they would come flying towards us at high speeds. Ray is good people. And then there was Celeste. Celeste is one of Michael's old friends. He actually dated her at one point. I love my Celeste. (And no, I don't have a problem with the fact that he dated her. She is too cool and real.) And then Ben. Ben is actually an ex that I dated for about a year. Things didn't work out with us, but he is a very good friend of mine.

So that was the table. Different people that have mostly never met. People that I love. Jessica Appreciation Day was a success and reminded me yet again that there are some very special people in my life that care about me. And as Michael so eloquently put over text last night: "Everyday is Jessica Appreciation Day because people love you".

Now moving on since I don't want to beat a dead horse about the new national holiday that occured yesterday.

I have found a place to live when Michael leaves!!! It's been a HUGE stress for me not knowing that I'll have a place to stay when Michael goes. But a co-worker that is my friend actually asked if I wanted to come stay at her house. She has a 2-story house in Sandy with 2 extra bedrooms and I can bring Sunni. So that's the plan. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Sometimes, thing do work out. I'm still going to miss Michael with everything I have, but at least I am strong enough to do what I have to do and continue on with my life. As long as you do your part, the Universe will provide.

And finally, a funny story. Yesterday when I was leaving for work, I dug out the snow brush and was brushing away the snow from my car. This old lady drove up and stopped right in front of my car. She then pointed at her side windows. I held up the snow brush and she nodded. So I walked over and brushed off her car. She smiled at me and drove off. Random. And hey- where's my tip?

Much Love!

Jessica Appreciation Day

I declared today as "Jessica Appreciation Day" due to my desperate need to feel loved and cared for these days.

Me and 7 of my close friends are getting together for dinner for this celebration.



I just thought you all should be aware of this new national holiday.


Much Love!

Friendship Do's And Don'ts

Have any of you noticed that there are different types of friends? There are so many different types of relationships we have with each other. I have friends that I don't see very often but are still friends. I have long-distance friends (Hey, Courtney!) that I don't ever see OR talk to very often but will always be people that I consider close to my heart. There are friends that I spend most of my time with and surround myself with. No matter which type of friend people are to me, they have only wanted me happy. And in doing so, they support my relationships and decisions. They support me when I'm sad, support me when I'm happy, support me whether or not they agree with what I do. They do not try to talk me out of something I'm passionate about. They do not try to come between me and my relationships. They let me live my life and do what makes me happy without trying to interfere for their own selfish reasons.

What I absolutely do NOT understand is a friend who interferes in your relationship, who tries to talk you out of being with someone, who manipulates and interferes and spreads lies in a crude attempt towards watching the relationship fail. I do not understand why someone can actually consider themselves a friend while constantly and intentionally causing grief. I do not understand how someone can claim that they love someone and care about them, but have no respect for what that person wants and needs. I do not understand how being a good friend consists of lying and exaggerating and being completely unsupportive and selfish. Does this make sense to anyone else?

I like to surround myself with people that help bring me up, not tear me down. I like to have friends that help me when I need help and give me advice when I ask, but don't stick their noses where they don't belong. I like to surround myself with people that are true and genuine and open-minded to other people's differences. This is who I am and this is who I desire around me.

And because I surround myself with these people, I am extremely loyal and even somewhat protective. If anyone says something bad about those I hold near and dear, I will rush to defend that person. My family, my friend, Michael. It doesn't matter. I will rush to defend them and be anywhere from slightly annoyed to angry that they would even say something bad about them. Even while going through all this with Michael, my friends and family still do not voice negative thoughts about him to me.

My point is that true friends build you up and support you. UNtrue friends try to sabatoge happiness and try to make decisions FOR you so that your attention never wavers to someone else. Whether it be due to feelings one has for the person, whether it be a poor self-image, whether it be the need to dominate, whatever. It's not a true and healthy friendship.

So thank you to my good friends. My friends who raise me up and let me live my life how I want to. I love you.

Much Love!

Cupidity

I was going to blog about Michael. I was going to blog about his "friends". I was going to blog about how I'm feeling. I was going to blog about my impending homelessness (is that a word????). But I changed my mind.


Instead, I am going to blog about the weather. Or how my day is going. Or my dog. Or my Halloween night. Or how I need to get working on Christmas presents. Or how I need to replace the CV something in my car. Or how I'm working 10 hours of overtime a week to put towards paying off my loan.


Anything but Michael.


Final result: I'm blogging about online crushes.


I must be honest and admit that I have online crushes. People I have never met and never will meet. Yet I have crushes on them all the same. I used to play on Myspace until I remembered that I'm not a 16-year-old girl. So I got over that. My only online social contact is this here blogspot. Which means that these online crushes are on a person or persons that blog here. Intruguing perhaps?

It stems from how writing a blog actually exhibits part of one's personality. The small part of ourselves that we allow to expose to the world. Meaning my blog isn't ME. There are parts of me in it, but it's not ME. Just as I know that my online crushes are on bits of people's personalities. Maybe with someone it's the way that they write. Maybe with someone else it's the stories they tell. Or maybe it's for a completely different reason altogether. There's no rhyme or reason to it. It exists solely because it exists.


So........ do I have a crush on you? Only I know.


Much Love!

Update

I lost the fight against tears.

Ask And You Shall Recieve

In my Arizona/Kansas post, I talked about the possibility of moving to Montana with Michael. And as I'm sitting here looking out the window on a dark and dreary day, I am sharing my immediate future with you all.

Michael has friends. Friends that I previously discussed. The story is this: months ago they were having financial problems and were in danger of losing their house. Michael sat down with them and worked out a budget with them as a way to save their house. All they had to do was follow it and they would be okay. But buying new guns and alcohol is a priority, apparently. Their house is getting forclosed on this month. And they want to move to Montana with Michael. Like I stated before, I simply cannot live with a household of people. It would seriously be almost a gun-in-mouth situation for me. So as stated earlier, I told Michael that I cannot live with them.

Michael has chosen to move to Montana with them and leave me behind.

So for those of you that wanted me to stick around Utah, your wish has been granted.

I'm a little heartbroken. But I'm also a little uplifted. I put my life on hold for the last couple of months. Yep, put my life on hold for Michael. So at least now I can have my life back, right? I can do what I want to do without having to worry about him. I can rediscover myself on my own terms. And that's not a bad thing.

I can't lie and pretend that everything is okay. It's not. I am being left behind and that's something I never thought would happen by Michael. But I suppose you can never really know somebody.

I just need to remind myself that it's just one person. Not every man cheats. And not every man stomps all over your heart. Not every man hurts. I need to keep that in focus to prevent myself from completely giving up.

And now I find myself homeless, yet again. I'm fighting tears and I'm fighting the desire to give up. I'm fighting myself for control. I'm fighting despair. I'm fighting for my sanity and I'm fighting for ME.

One day at a time.

I cannot and do not hate Michael. He is making a decision the he feels is right and I cannot fault him for that. He wants to help his friends and I think that's admirable. I just get tired of being the sacrifice of someone else's worthy cause. I get tired of being the one left behind.

I am not a spiteful person. And I do not hold grudges. I hope that Michael is making the right choice for himself. I hope that he is happy and is able to enjoy life. Sincerely.

If you ask me if I am alright, my answer is: I WILL BE.

Much Love!

Decorating Contest

One of our "activities" for the month of October is a row decorating contest. Decorating it up for Halloween and in time for all the kiddies to come through trick-or-treating. There were four entries. Which one do you think should have won?

Row 1:

Row 2:

Row 3:

Row 4:

I personally believe that ROW 4 should have won. That's MY row. That I alone personally decorated. And my decorating is the most original out of all of them. Did you see it? Did you see why it's the best? It's SO completely obvious.

I'll give you a closer look:

An orange Mento! I got into the spirit of Halloween SO much. I mean, Mentos are one of the few candies that I actually enjoy. And I sacrificed my last orange Mento for the cause. We totally should have won.....

Much Love!

Intelligent Design?

I have always thought of myself as a bit more intelligent than the average American. I'm definately no genius and I'm definately not a LOT more intelligent. Just a little bit. My father is a pretty smart dude. My mother is a pretty smart chica. My siblings are all quite the intellectuals. Though I do have to say that my brother is probably the smartest of us all. He's a civil engineer who actually got a full-ride scholarship to college due to his excellent brain. So yah, I have the good brain genes going for me. In high school I would never do my homework, but ace all of the tests. So my graduating GPA was 3.5. Not bad considering I spent 0% of my high school career studying. My ACT score came back with a combined 28. The average is 22-24. I received certificates in excelling at "Science Reasoning", "English", and the combined score. My job is a complicated one that requires almost perfection and extreme attention to detail dealing with numbers. I have always loved Math, so it's perfect for me. And I'm just not capable of having a job where I don't feel challenged.

I never went to college. At first, I just didn't have the desire. Then as the years went on, I didn't have the financing. As I was living with my Kansas mom at the time, I didn't qualify based on my own salary. They based it off my parent's salary. Even though I claimed myself on my taxes, had a full time job, etc. My Kansas mom and dad made too much for me to get a student loan that would be enough to cover the required amount. So I gave up.

I'm still constantly challenged at work. Those closest to me are intelligent people themselves, which also challenges me. I prefer reading over watching TV. I prefer deep and ponderous discussions rather than mundane silly conversations. Most of the time, at least. But.....

I can feel my brain draining. I can tell that I'm losing some of the smarts I once had. I use what is in my brain, but don't practice using brain matter that isn't constantly active. It's like muscles. Without exercise they lose their power. Without exercising my brain, I'm losing brain power. And that is killing me.

I would rather be smart than beautiful. I would rather have an intelligent conversation than have men gawk at me. I always have, and I believe that I always will.

So the question is: How in the world do I exercise that part of my brain that doesn't consist of numbers? How do I gain further knowledge in different aspects when I don't have an outlet for the knowledge? How do I educate myself on things that won't be graded, reviewed, or assessed? Reading creates knowledge, I know that much. But what to read? Do I just sign up for a new library card and run around grabbing history books and philosophy books and religious books and psychology/sociology/zoology books?

I'm not losing my potential for intelligence. I'm just losing some of the intelligence I once had. I'd like to build that back up, if possible.

I'm cute, but not beautiful. So I damn well better be intelligent.

Much Love!

Notebooks

During the move, I have rediscovered some old notebooks of mine. And I have been pouring through them hungrily. I have been so many different people in my 29 years and have been writing random journals and poetry since I was 8. 21 years of random records of the people I have been. It's fascinating. So I decided that I'm going to share some of my words with anyone who cares to read them. Some have stories behind them, some are very cryptic. Some rhyme, some are rambling half-sentences. Some make sense and some are just silly. But they are all MINE. So here is my first installment in my efforts to "get the word out".

This is a cryptic one that means something to me but may not necessarily mean anything to anyone else. And it's somewhat long. But I'm sharing it anyways. :)

the senseless and abondoneless
meet in a room filled with cigarette smoke
and the scent of coffee that's been brewing for hours
foreign and bold
familiar and comforting
i hear the words that are spoken with deaf ears
there's that girl that broke your heart
i accidentally hurt myself yet didn't realize it until I was healing
now i carry bandaids in my purse
it's been a long time since i've won the game
and even then the game was lost
no promises to give you answers
no questions you've ever asked
i'm cage-dancing in my mind
but not one goddamn person is watching
no one but my alter ego
the other woman that hides inside me
the woman of extremes and waterfalls
tenderness and guilt
do not disembark on the journey without your medallions
of all the conquests you've claimed victory before
accepted and understood in the world you are headed to
implanted is the virus
you flounder and i wonder
then i wander and you give chase
the seams come undone it seems
nobody on the phone
has it all been my fault?
the bottomless pit of disrepair
the power outage of tranquility
been doing it for a while yet just realized I'd been doing it all along
too concerned to tell the truth
innocent love can hurt more
the lonely and saturated can pierce
feel like speaking, feel like being listened to
shaking with the knowledge that i could've been hurt
finances, romances
the sountrack of pornography while reading the Bible
there are people that actually see me
and then there are people that look
do you look or do you see?
chaos doesn't become you
good thing you push me away before I get too close
try not to regret it if you give it a second thought
though the memories are too common
the sordid affair not so sordid after all

Much Love!

Halloween and Stuff

I love Halloween. I always have and I always will. Now that I'm older, it's for the fun parties and dressing up like a complete slut and having it be socially acceptable. But when I was younger.......

My step-mom is an excellent seamstress, and very very creative. So a month or two before Halloween, we'd decide what we wanted to be and by Halloween we would have these amazing costumes that nobody else had since they were homemade! For example, one year I decided that I wanted to be a Black Widow Spider. I'm not sure why. But that's what I wanted to be. So my mom made me an awesome costume. I had all these legs poking out all around me and the appropriate red marks on the belly and back. It was awesome! Until I knocked Larissa Larson's punch over with one of my legs. She got mad at me and I felt dumb. Until I remembered that I was wearing the coolest costume EVER.

I never wanted to be something cute. I always wanted to be something scary. I know that a lot of little girls want to be princesses and fairies and things of that sort. I just wanted to be dark. I've decided to make a list of the cool Halloween costumes that my mom made for me.

-Vampire

-Witch (for a few years)

-Black Widow Spider

-Bat

-Car Accident Victim

-Dead Bride

Then I grew up a bit and found random things to wear- just so I was wearing SOMETHING that would still permit my teenage self to get candy.

And then I grew up even more and now focus on the skimpy slutty costumes. The one day a year where it's socially acceptable to dress like a prostitute, as I've noted before. My costume this year is camoflauge-style slut. I tried it on for Michael last night, and let's just say that he likes it.......

So....... what was YOUR favorite costume from childhood? Mine will always be the spider. Share your favorites with me.

Much Love!

P.S. If ONE more person yells at me on the phone today, I'm leaving work early. I don't deserve to be treated like that.

Ouch

Note to self: Do not push Chad while loosely holding change for a Mountain Dew. Inevitabely, said Chad will fling his arm back at you. Which will jar loose the change. Which will then fly at a very high velocity and hit you hard (and loudly) in the head.


Ouch.


Much Love!

October 23rd, 2007

No, I didn't get the date wrong. I'm writing about the events of October 23rd, 2007. This is how my day went a year ago tomorrow:


I got dressed up all pretty. Nice slacks, a nice button-up shirt, nice shoes. I didn't wear a hat, which is unual for me around this time of year. I proceeded to come in to work and put in a couple of hours. Then I left for a long lunch. I went down the street a ways and walked into a building. In that building, I heard the following (not in the same wording AT ALL):


"Your sentencing is as follows:


20 mandatory outpatient substance abuse classes

104 self-help AA meetings

Random drug and alcohol testing

16-hour Prime For Life DUI class

1-hour Freeway Watch meeting

48 hours of community service in liu of 2 days in jail

$1400 file

Interlock device installed in vehicle

Monthly supervised probation

Alcohol restricted license for the next 2 years


We will see you back here in 90 days to review your case."


Yep, that was October 23rd, 2007. Not a good day for me. But October 23rd, 2008 will be much better!


I have done my time and satisfied all my probationary requirements. And though I was previously released from my more intrusive "supervised probation", starting tomorrow I can get rid of the word "probation" in any sense of the word from my vocabulary. No probationary status. No worries of probation violation. Not under probation, or on probation. No probationary period.


Probation? What's that?


Much Love!

Arizona/Montana

Maybe you have noticed, or maybe you haven't. But I don't blog about serious things in my life very much. Mostly because I'm not ready to reveal them to the world, or I'm not sure about them yet, or whatever. But some things are happening that I need to get off my chest. So here are some major things going on in my life (and the life of others).


Arizona. My little sister Emily got her mission call and opened it last night. I was supposed to be there, but spaced it since I was curled into a ball all day due to cramps. (TMI?) Tucson, Arizona. This is something that I have avoided talking about and thinking about. I love my entire family. I am very lucky since they really are all amazing people that I'm honestly close to. I don't have to pretend to like any of them. But Emily..... I was 8 years old when Emily was born and at that age, all I wanted to do was be her second mommy. I would try to beat my mom to Emily's crib when she was crying in the night. I'd hang out with Emily all the time. So there's this feeling that I have for Emily that I don't have with any of my other siblings. Including my older brother and sister who I grew up with. And Emily is leaving. I have mixed feelings. I do not consider myself a member of the LDS church. I don't follow the teachings and don't believe in those beliefs. But I have always been of the attitude of letting people be who they are and believe what they want- and support them in that. So I am so extremely proud of Emily for choosing to go on a mission. It's going to be such an exciting thing for her and I truly believe that she will have a great time and strengthen her views and beliefs. Which is excellent. But on the flip side- I don't want her to go. It's hard for me to imagine family dinners without her being there. It's hard for me to imagine not being able to call or text her whenever I feel like it. There's going to be a big piece of our family missing for a year and a half. And though it's for a good thing, it's still hard. And the thing is- she's leaving December 17th for the MTC. What in the world is Christmas going to be without her? And my hell- that's less than 2 months away! I need to adjust.


Montana. If things go the way they are looking, I'll be moving. Most likely to Montana. Michael is getting transferred and he's supposed to find out today where he is headed. And I have decided to go with him. The only possible problem is that some friends of his want to move to Montana, too. That in itself isn't the problem. I'd be glad that Michael would have some friends with him. The problem is that they may need a place to live for a while. Going from living by myself for 4 years to living with another person and another dog is an adjustment in itself. But there's absolutely no way that I could stand to live with Michael, 2 grown adults, two teenagers, two kids, an infant, FOUR dogs and some cats. I would NOT be able to stand it. So if Michael makes the decision to live with them, even until they get on their feet, I'm not going. When I say it like that, it makes me sound like I'm making him choose between them and me. Which is absolutely not the case. If I knew that I would be okay with all those people around, I would be absolutely fine with helping them out. But I know for a fact that there's no possible way that I could remain sane in that environment. I'm used to quiet. I'm used to my alone time. I'm used to walking around in my underwear. I hate interruptions and distractions and noise. And I'm a borderline insomniac. Do you see my dilema? So depending on whether this family finds a way to help themselves, I may or may not be moving. To Montana.


So there you have it. Two very big things that have been preying on my mind that I needed to just get out. I'm on shaky ground right now with my emotions. I'm fighting the stress that is trying to build up inside me. I'm taking herbal supplement type meds to help out with certain aspects of my psyche that need some fine-tuning. I keep alternating between feeling excited and optimistic, to feeling terrified and hopeless. At work I'm either pushing myself harder and harder, or sitting and staring out the window. I just really need to know what my immediate future holds. I can't prepare for it when it's unknown. I'm a coward when it comes to change until it happens. Once the change happens, I'm able to acclimate very well and adapt and adjust. But right now- when I know Emily is leaving but she hasn't gone yet- and when I know Michael is leaving with or without me but he/we haven't gone yet- this is when my anxiety comes out and parades itself down the Main Street of my mind.

Comfort food. Soup. That's what I need.

Much Love!

Conversation

The following is a conversation that I heard today as I was walking into my office building.

Lady 1- "Are you serious?"

Lady 2- "Yep. Can you believe she said that?"

L1- "What a bitch. Do you think any of it is true? I know she is trying to come between them, but COULD he be cheating?"

L2- "No way. I totally don't get that vibe from him. You know?"

L1- "Maybe. I just don't trust men. Any man. Not after what Jeff put me through."

L2- Laughs. "Yah, I know what you mean. He was such a dick. You are SO better off without him."

L1- "I know. So should we tell Sarah what Jenny said? Or should be just pretend we never heard anything and see what happens on Saturday?"

L2- "Let's let it be for now. But I'm going to keep my eye on him at the party to see how he acts. And if he hurts Sarah, I'll cut off his balls."

And then I got on the elevator and missed the rest of the conversation. So what I took from it is that L1 and L2 are friends with Sarah who is with some guy. Rumors about the guy cheating are apparently being spread by Jenny who is trying to come between them. And L1 was cheated on by someone named Jeff.

The thing that gets me, the reason I'm even blogging about it is because I didn't hear this conversation going on between two people in person. L1 was talking on her cell phone with L2. ON SPEAKER! Why in the world would you have a conversation like that and keep it on speakerphone????? L1 was walking to the building as I was and was just holding her phone in front of her and having the above conversation. WHAT????? As admitted to before, I'm a voyer and like to hear other people's conversations. But only when I make the effort to do it. I don't like it being shoved down my throat. I just don't understand why someone wouldn't think that maybe, just maybe, that's a conversation that would be better left private.

But.... it also gives me an idea. I'm thinking it would be fun to have certain conversations on speaker-phone in public. About bodily functions. Or explicit details of someone's sex life. Or how the "operation" went. Or about the status of a rash. Or about the results of an STD test and if it is treatable. Or any other tabboo subject that no decent or sane person would talk about loudly on speaker-phone in public......

It's Monday

Meaning I'm too busy to write much. So I will share three videos that make me laugh. (Keep in mind that I have a odd and childish sense of humor.)



And



And

I Can't Stop It

Sometimes things pop out of my mouth that I have no intention on actually saying. Not really mean or bad things, either. Just silly things that really would be better off not being said. Or at least I'd seem less odd and less insane if I'd keep my trap shut. For example:

I just got off the phone with a policyholder. (I work for an insurance company, if you didn't already know that.) This particular policyholder is a MALE policyholder. He was worried about a claim that he didn't need to worry about. So I literally said to him:

"Don't worry your pretty little head about it."

?????? WHAT ??????

Much Love!

I Am A Mass Murderer

Yep, it's true.

I've been dedicating a minimum of an hour a day to cleaning up and moving stuff since I gave my notice. Since I'm throwing away so much, it's actually going pretty well. But then I got to the bathroom.....

First of all, the lighting in my bathroom is horrible. There's an itsy bitsy light that doesn't brighten much and a corner where they randomly threw the toilet that is dark and gloomy. It has always been dark and gloomy, but.....

Imagine what one would find when cleaning the darkened corners of the bathroom that hasn't been used in over two months.....

How about a billion of these:

I had been grabbing things off the floor that were haphazardly thrown there by the landlady and cleaning people during the whole construction fiasco when I noticed movement. Further scrutiny uncovered a giant pregnant spider that had almost attacked my hand. Now spiders aren't a big fear of mine. I don't LIKE them, per say, but I don't hate or fear them either. Unless they are HUGE and scary- and pregnant. Fortunately for me, I had a can of Raid on the kitchen counter due to previous spider infestations. The joys of living in a dark basement apartment....

Anyways, so I zapped the giant pregnant spider with a tiny bit of Raid in order to disorient it so that it wasn't able to cling to the towel and/or progress further towards my hand in vengeance. It was huge enough that it made an audible THUNK when it hit the floor. The idea was to squash it immediately after hitting the floor since I feel absolutely horrible by letting spiders die a long painful death from Raid suffocation. But, just after the audible THUNK, my cell phone rang. It was the people that were there to pick up my entertainment center that I so artistically illustrated yesterday. They came and picked up the entertainment center with my assistance since my muscles are so huge. I immediately went back to the dark and gloomy bathroom to find that the huge giant pregnant spider was no longer visable.....

I used the bottom of the can of Raid to squash around through things before picking them up to dispose of them. Into the bag more and more items go, still invisible is the giant pregnant spider. I grabbed the handle of a basket I had used for the toilet bowl cleaning brush and toilet bowl cleaner- and it lunged. Okay, it didn't actually lunge. But it did suddenly appear and with its enormous body started making its way towards my hand yet again. I immediately dropped the basket on the ground and watched as it climbed around with its long demonic legs. And then noticed MORE movement from ANOTHER dark corner, which also happened to be a spider. Not as large and not as obviously pregnant, but equally jarring. At this point, aware that I had probably just invaded a pit of arachnids, I blew. Needless to say, I emptied the entire can of Raid in the area and left.

I'm sure tonight I will find huge piles of spiders bodies as I return to the room of doom and gloom. I am a mass murderer.

Much Love!