Friday, October 23, 2009

I Try

I really try to not "hate". I honestly think that "hate" is a hugely negative thing. Yet, I find myself hating. Any normal person hates things. Like glitter, or computer viruses, or stale potato chips, or CNN, or airplanes, etc.....

But I have a Hate in me for a person. And it disturbs me. It's been a while since I have actually Hated a living human being. Though I can't really say that, because I have actually Hated this person for a while. (Yes, I capitalized the word "hate" for a reason.)

And I wonder what I am becoming. If I feel so much hatred towards someone, what does that make me?

I have always been sweet and caring. I have always tried to be accepting. I have always been proud of my heart. I have always been accepting of other lifestyles, and personalities. I am open to other peoples' religious beliefs and thoughts and feelings. I have always respected my familial obligations. So much in fact, that I'm closer to my honey's family that HE is. People generally like me. I'm sweet and conversational to the grocery store checker. I joke around with the random old guy at the gas station. When my order is right at Taco John's, I let them know how much I appreciate it. I am a good person.

So why do I feel so guilty for Hating a particular person? I shouldn't apologize for hate, right? It's deserved. I promise y0u that. I just feel like I should be better than that. Unlike HER. Evil bitch.... sorry.

I've been listening to a mix of angry rock and love songs all night. Hell- that's complex.

I'm going to continue listening to my MP3 player. And now my sister's songs are coming on and THAT is what matters.

Reality. The love that people have for me. And the love that I have for everyone. Hate- go away. Love is more important. Welcome, love.

Though I still Hate.....



elbie said...

jess, you're a great person, but you ARE human. also, one thing i've always realized is that those i've hated, i've always also cared for greatly at one point or another....

Anonymous said...

Hate is an amazing thing though.... Strangely enough many think that the opposite of love is hate. And for this many people are wrong. The opposite of love is dis-concern....

Who is this person that you hate so much, and why? Have you talked to them about it? I am sure that if you spoke to them about the matter that it would be a great relief for you.

Best of luck!