Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Times Are Changing

Yep, things change. But I haven't changed much. At least not lately. I'm in a Funk. It is capitalized because it means something. This Funk of mine.

I explained to my Mom D the other day that I'm almost always content, with occasional times of happiness. That's more than one could ask for, I know. In my true mind, I know this.

I am a spoiled little girl when it comes to the world. People die every day from starvation, from wars, from AIDS, from everything that exists in this world that could be horrible. I also know this.

Yet I am still remain in a Funk. I know this.

A good friend of mine got married in July, another good friend is getting married in October. And another good friend of mine just had a baby with his girlfriend. And I sit outside on my step smoking and sometimes drinking and reading and looking over the yard (where I have to clean up my dog's shit in the morning) and realize that I sit on that step night after night after night after night after night.

I suppose that I STILL expect more out of myself than I am capable of. Which makes me feel sometimes empty. Where is my knight in shining armor? Where is my baby daddy? Where is any semblance of normalcy? I just feel lost at times. I know, it's typical. We all feel lost at times.

I just need to remind myself that I AM content most of the time, and happy at times. Rationally and logically I know this. Even my emotional essence knows this most of the time. Yet every now and then, I crave someone laying in bed next to me. Someone making me coffee. Someone to cuddle up with. BUT.............

I am the strong single woman, and need to cling on to that. Damnit, self! Get those romantic notions out of your head! Get those ideals of a happy relationship thrown into the gutter. Get the hopes of a little more in life run over.

I am finally admitting to it. But don't tell anyone. It's our little secret. Just you and me. Here it goes, my pathetic confession:

I'm only comfortable being single because I don't see any other way. I don't like to put my happiness on the fact that I will find my romantic partner. It's not realistic. But I AM a little bit in love with the idea of being in love. I am a little bit in love with the thought of creating life. I am a little bit in love with the Happy Ever After.

BUT.... I need to be realistic. The chances of me ending up alone are greater than the chances of me ending up with someone. Trust me. There is a love in my life right now. But I have absolutely NO trust that that love will remain. I like to pretend. Make-believe is fun! I feel comforted by the temporary love. Because though it won't remain, it's at least real.

Okay. I'm done. NOT my normal higher quality of posts, but I needed to write something and there were some thoughts brewing in my brain. Forgive me for being ME.

Much Love!

I lied. I wasn't done. I just threw on my headphones and danced all around my house. And that Funk went away for now. I forget that music renews my vows to myself.....

Much Love (once again)!

1 comment:

Saule Cogneur said...

It's sad but true. Statistically speaking marriage doesn't last long and even when it does, love doesn't necessarily stay part of it.

I'm glad you can find most of your happiness from within. That's a great ability.

I'm not there yet.

Regardless, I think it's also good to hold on to love for as long as you can, even if you know it won't last.