Monday, December 15, 2008

Goodbyes

I hate goodbyes. Simply hate them. With my mother living in Kansas for most of my life, you'd think I should be experienced at saying goodbye. Or at least that I should be used to not being around everyone I love whenever I want to. But I haven't and I'm not.

I'm very emotional while writing this. I'm crying at work, which you should all know by now I absolutely abhor.

I had to say goodbye to Emily yesterday. She is leaving on Wednesday for the MTC (Missionary Training Center). And I will not be seeing her for a year and a half. Yes, time passes by so quickly. I know that in my head. But in my heart...... well, that's a different story.

I quickly gave her the Christmas present I made her. She was running out the door. We hugged and I fought the tears and emotions going through me. I lost. I clung to my mom in the kitchen while everyone was bustling around trying to leave for church or head back home to Huntington from the weekend. My mom said "Let's just let it out". And I said "I need to do this alone". But I kept crying. Emily had tears in her eyes and so I couldn't stop. I left and got back to Michael's. I crawled back into bed with him and tried again to not cry. I slept. And I slept some more. (Sleep is my comfort.) Michael went to work. And I let myself go. I cried. I talked to myself. I talked to Emily though she wasn't there. I hugged our dogs. I cried until my stomach hurt and my contacts wouldn't stay in and my face and eyes were flourescent.

And then I cried some more knowing that coming home to Michael and crawling back into bed with him with his arms around me is not happening anymore, either. He is leaving and I will have to say goodbye to him.

There are two VERY important people in my life that I am having to say goodbye to within the space of about 10 days. Did I mention that I hate goodbyes? Two people that helped fill my life and my heart. Obviously, they will still be in my life and my heart. But their absence will be great and my life will feel a little bit more empty. It already does.

So please forgive me if I start posting more boringly emotional blogs. I need to work through the goodbyes. I need to write about the goodbyes and cry about the goodbyes. And I need to share just how much these particular goodbyes are going to hurt. I need to share my pain, I suppose.

Did I mention that I hate goodbyes?

But: At least for tonight I can temporarily put aside my sadness by stuffing my face full of lasagna and cheese bread in between talking-with-my-mouth-full conversations with a good good friend. Blessed distractions.

Much Love!

1 comment:

Emily Maher said...

Jess. I love you. I wanted to call, but I wasn't sure if I could handle it.. I hate goodbyes too. Just know that you will never fully understand the wonderfully positive impact you have had on my life. I wouldn't be who I am today without you. Especially when it comes to my sense of humor... :) I look forward to coming home and attacking you right when I see you-so get ready for that.. it's going to happen. I miss you already. I love you, Jess. Always.