Monday, December 8, 2008

A Moment Of Truth

There are some people that run through life constantly criticizing themselves and beating themselves down. There are some people that run through life never admitting their wrongs and believing they could walk on water if they tried. I am neither of these people.

I am not an unhappy person. I don't hate myself or my life. But I also can admit my faults and accept the negative things that come with me. And today I'm admitting something that is a little hard for me to admit, but no less the truth for it.

I have become the crazy, angry girlfriend. Or maybe I have been all along but just now actually noticed it. I'm not sure. Either way, the truth is that I have been mean to Michael recently. Picking fights, slamming doors, etc. When we are doing well, we are doing REALLY well. But when we are doing bad, we are doing REALLY bad. Our relationship has always been intense. A lot of ups and downs. It seems as if we live in one extreme or the other and I'm not sure that we are capable of just living in between.

What I mean by that is this: I have a friend that I'll just call "L". L and her ex-boyfriend T were constantly fighting. I have been witness to some of their blowouts and let me tell you, it's quite the dramatic event. They could have sold tickets to their fights! I remember looking at them one time and wondering why in the world they were still together. Yes, there were happy times in their relationship. I just thought it was odd that they hung on as long as they did since they fought so much, and fought so strongly. I came to the conclusion that they brought out the worst in each other. As much as they loved each other, it wouldn't ever work due to this fact. They simply were not good together. And I am finally realizing that Michael and I are in a similar relationship.

He does some things that make me angry and/or sad. But my way of dealing with the anger and/or sadness has not been healthy recently. I completely flip out. It's like I'm not capable of tampering down the explosion. He doesn't deserve for me to treat him like that. Just as I don't deserve to be hurt in the same way, time after time.

I'm sure you've all heard of the song "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough", right? Michael and I do love each other. There's not a doubt in either of our minds about that fact. But is it enough? I can't control my temper. He can't control his priorities. It's the same story over and over again. I'm tired of being angry at him and hurting him. I'm tired of him being angry at me and hurting me. To put it bluntly, I'm not good for him anymore. I beat him down more than I make him happy. I hate it, but it's there. And it seems that no matter how hard I try to change it, I can't. Which then boils down to the fact that Michael and I are now bringing out the worst in each other.

Throw onto the whole deal that he is moving to Montana at the end of the month. So it seems a little silly that I am getting all crazy on him when he's leaving anyways.

Needless to say, I have some issues that I need to work on for myself. Not work on for Michael, not work on for my family or friends, but work on for myself. I've been a little unstable pretty much this whole year and I owe it to myself to regain my sense of stability. Or at least learn how to deal with instability better without resorting to the mentioned anger issues. I need to get back to focusing on the internal Jessica and start from there. I can't treat other people well until I start treating myself well. I need to get away from the drama-queen attitude I've been living with lately. I need to, as they say, "Take a chill pill". I need to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself when my life is actually quite good.

So there you have it. A moment of truth and honesty. I love Michael and Michael loves me, but sometimes love just ain't enough. We both deserve better.

Much Love!


elbie said...

sometimes it's very hard to realize that love is not enough. i think being so self aware means you're way ahead of yourself in sorting these things out. sounds like you have a good plan in store for yourself.. i know you can do it, and if by chance you need some outside help, as i have been seeking, i have some recommendations.

Just Me said...

Linds, I may actually hit you up for a name. Financially I will have to wait until March or so, but I'm finding myself regressing into past negative behaviors and could probably use some assistance digging myself out again.

elbie said...

anytime, jess... seriously.

Goofy McWanker said...

I think you've arrived at a very mature realization, my dear Jess. No one loves harder and deeper than you - I know from experience. As sappy as this may seem, I've witnessed you grow from a carefree teen to an independent woman and you tend to grow from your experiences more than others. 'You'll get by with a little help from your friends'