Friday, January 2, 2009

How I Feel

I'm lost. This is all going to hard to put into words, but I'm going to my best.

My Christmas was great other than the overwhelming feeling of dread for Michael's move to Montana. So though I enjoyed my time with my family, I could feel the time passing too quickly, heading towards something similar to an emotional train wreck. The countdown had started.

Michael and I spent some good quality time together between Christmas and when he left on Sunday. Some "snuggle time". And then we packed him all up, loaded up the U-haul, and off he went.

I'm emotionally slaughtered right now. I know that it will fade in time and the pain won't be as strong. But for now.....

It's Friday and I have the weekend ahead of me. And instead of being happy for another two days off work, I am dreading it. I know that I need to be social and spend time with my friends. I know that I need to NOT shut myself off from the world and be a part of it. But the "loss" of Michael has impacted me more than I thought it would. I feel empty. Like there's nothing to look forward to and nothing to be gained. I am heartbroken and all routines that I had before seem inconsequential. Like nothing is worth anything.

I know that this is all what I call "situational depression". Meaning that I'm not truly depressed inside, but that I'm feeling completely depressed due to this situation that I am in. And I know that I will someday break out of it.

It's just that for now, all I want to do is lay in bed in the pajamas I have worn since Sunday and watch cheesy chick flicks and cry. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to deal with anything. I am grieving and mourning. This is my bereavement period.

The whole saying of "you don't know what you have until it's gone" is really sucker-punching me in the face right now........ And it hurts.

But..... I AM making an effort. I have plans to go to a fashion show tomorrow that my sister is in. And then hopefully grab some dinner with the family. So as much as I want to shut myself in and never leave, I am forcing myself. And heck- at least I made it into work today. That's good, right?

I need to talk myself up and out of the hole. I need to go against my nature (of hibernating) and visit with friends and family and remind myself that there IS something out there to care about. That having a life is pointless if you don't actually LIVE.

So please be patient with me and my blogging as I am lonely and empty and sad.

Much Love!


elbie said...

i'll be thinking of you...

Cameron's Corner said...

You should rent Swingers.

"Midnight? We'll be up five hundy by midnight!"

Saule Cogneur said...

They are annoying, aren't they? Emotions. For some odd reason, it's important that we feel connected to other people, and I think it's pretty natural that we get so upset when said people are gone. Hang in there.

I can truly empathize with you today.

LT said...

How are you doing today, smalls?