Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Game

I am just recently single and have NO desire to date right now. The thought of dating makes me want to wretch. Sometimes it just seems so futile- you date, you fall in love, you move in, you move out of state for them, you get dumped on your ass. What's the point of the two years you spent with them? But.... you learn, you love, you have good (and bad) memories, you connect with someone for a little while. And then it's all gone and you have to rebuild your own life. Which sucks. BUT.... you did learn, you did love, you do have new memories, you did connect with someone.....

Let's face it, there are always little parts of yourself that you change/lose/adapt/compromise/etc when in a relationship. So you don't like to talk on the phone, but your significant other feels they need that. You end up making an exception and talk on the phone to them. You don't like a certain type of movie, but they REALLY want to see it. So you sacrifice and go to the overpriced movie theater, buy overpriced popcorn and an overpriced Coke, and see the movie with them. You don't feel cared for enough and need a little bit more. So they adapt and give you more attention. See? It's all a battle. A personal effort. And then when its taken away?

You rebuild yourself as a single person. You go back to those traits that you could only enjoy as a single person without having to worry about anyone else. You resort to thinking "who in the world was I?" when realizing just how much you were willing to sacrifice for that someone. And then you transform into someone else. Not necessarily a "selfish" person, but a person who only has themself. I am only me now. I make my own choices with no outside influence or worry. I do whatever I want to do without having to "report" to anyone. And since it's so fresh and new, it's lonely. I don't WANT to only think about myself. I don't WANT to do what's good for me and only me. But I will. Yes, I will.....

At this stage of life, I'm exhausted by doing so much on my own. A partnership should be equal. Equal responsibilities, equal chores, equal sacrifice, equal caring, equal respect. And I really mean ALL of those things (and more) should be equal. Sure, date the "responsible" guy, but where does that really leave you emotionally? Empty. That's it. Empty.

I'm not empty.

I was loved as much as He could possibly love me. And I'm proud of that and happy with that. But equally as sad is that He couldn't love me enough. But that's okay. In my own way, I didn't love him enough, either.

So life is give and take, losses and gains. If we stop playing, there's no way to ever win. It's as simple as that.

I was hurt and heartbroken. I am still hurt and heartbroken. But I'm oddly content with this hurt and heartbreak. It reminds me that I should never ever get too comfortable. That there is always going to be work to do in a relationship. That just loving someone is never enough. And that I should never sacrifice too much of myself for a small little hope of something more. I'm not worth giving up.

Sorry for all the comtemplation. I've just had a lot of thoughts in my head and writing them down (or "typing" them down) relieves some of my brain tension.

As Annie says "The sun will come out tomorrow".

Much Love!

No comments: