Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I Am A Mass Murderer


Yep, it's true.

I've been dedicating a minimum of an hour a day to cleaning up and moving stuff since I gave my notice. Since I'm throwing away so much, it's actually going pretty well. But then I got to the bathroom.....

First of all, the lighting in my bathroom is horrible. There's an itsy bitsy light that doesn't brighten much and a corner where they randomly threw the toilet that is dark and gloomy. It has always been dark and gloomy, but.....

Imagine what one would find when cleaning the darkened corners of the bathroom that hasn't been used in over two months.....

How about a billion of these:


I had been grabbing things off the floor that were haphazardly thrown there by the landlady and cleaning people during the whole construction fiasco when I noticed movement. Further scrutiny uncovered a giant pregnant spider that had almost attacked my hand. Now spiders aren't a big fear of mine. I don't LIKE them, per say, but I don't hate or fear them either. Unless they are HUGE and scary- and pregnant. Fortunately for me, I had a can of Raid on the kitchen counter due to previous spider infestations. The joys of living in a dark basement apartment....

Anyways, so I zapped the giant pregnant spider with a tiny bit of Raid in order to disorient it so that it wasn't able to cling to the towel and/or progress further towards my hand in vengeance. It was huge enough that it made an audible THUNK when it hit the floor. The idea was to squash it immediately after hitting the floor since I feel absolutely horrible by letting spiders die a long painful death from Raid suffocation. But, just after the audible THUNK, my cell phone rang. It was the people that were there to pick up my entertainment center that I so artistically illustrated yesterday. They came and picked up the entertainment center with my assistance since my muscles are so huge. I immediately went back to the dark and gloomy bathroom to find that the huge giant pregnant spider was no longer visable.....

I used the bottom of the can of Raid to squash around through things before picking them up to dispose of them. Into the bag more and more items go, still invisible is the giant pregnant spider. I grabbed the handle of a basket I had used for the toilet bowl cleaning brush and toilet bowl cleaner- and it lunged. Okay, it didn't actually lunge. But it did suddenly appear and with its enormous body started making its way towards my hand yet again. I immediately dropped the basket on the ground and watched as it climbed around with its long demonic legs. And then noticed MORE movement from ANOTHER dark corner, which also happened to be a spider. Not as large and not as obviously pregnant, but equally jarring. At this point, aware that I had probably just invaded a pit of arachnids, I blew. Needless to say, I emptied the entire can of Raid in the area and left.

I'm sure tonight I will find huge piles of spiders bodies as I return to the room of doom and gloom. I am a mass murderer.

Much Love!

4 comments:

Emily Maher said...

Once, I was cleaning my babies water trough, and what I thought looked like a giant round weed (sorry, that's the best description I can give) rolled to me and stopped at my foot. It was weird looking, so I bent down to look at it closer, and it turned out to be a huge spider carrying all of its babies on its back.I had a moment of panic, moved my foot, and sprayed it with the hose. It started struggling to swim and save its babies. I'm sad to say a few were lost in those first moments. I immediately regreted what I did and ran over to it and pushed it out of the water with a stick. I cared for it, and watched it dry and regain its strength. It would crawl around from time to time, as I sat and pondered how my emotions could change from fear and hatred to pure love in a matter of minutes. Then Abby came over to have me pet her, and she stepped on it. Am I a mass murderer? Sort of.

Just Me said...

Emily, my dear. That makes you an ATTEMPTED mass murderer who repented for her sins. Abby is the mass murderer.
Your telling of that story is absolutely hilarious!

Katie M. said...

That is gross!! Good thing you don't live there anymore.. the dumb landlady will have to deal with pregnant spiders.

Billy said...

Followed the link to your blog from Bishop Higgins well done on the spiders my wife would have just run in fear.