Monday, October 20, 2008

Arizona/Montana

Maybe you have noticed, or maybe you haven't. But I don't blog about serious things in my life very much. Mostly because I'm not ready to reveal them to the world, or I'm not sure about them yet, or whatever. But some things are happening that I need to get off my chest. So here are some major things going on in my life (and the life of others).


Arizona. My little sister Emily got her mission call and opened it last night. I was supposed to be there, but spaced it since I was curled into a ball all day due to cramps. (TMI?) Tucson, Arizona. This is something that I have avoided talking about and thinking about. I love my entire family. I am very lucky since they really are all amazing people that I'm honestly close to. I don't have to pretend to like any of them. But Emily..... I was 8 years old when Emily was born and at that age, all I wanted to do was be her second mommy. I would try to beat my mom to Emily's crib when she was crying in the night. I'd hang out with Emily all the time. So there's this feeling that I have for Emily that I don't have with any of my other siblings. Including my older brother and sister who I grew up with. And Emily is leaving. I have mixed feelings. I do not consider myself a member of the LDS church. I don't follow the teachings and don't believe in those beliefs. But I have always been of the attitude of letting people be who they are and believe what they want- and support them in that. So I am so extremely proud of Emily for choosing to go on a mission. It's going to be such an exciting thing for her and I truly believe that she will have a great time and strengthen her views and beliefs. Which is excellent. But on the flip side- I don't want her to go. It's hard for me to imagine family dinners without her being there. It's hard for me to imagine not being able to call or text her whenever I feel like it. There's going to be a big piece of our family missing for a year and a half. And though it's for a good thing, it's still hard. And the thing is- she's leaving December 17th for the MTC. What in the world is Christmas going to be without her? And my hell- that's less than 2 months away! I need to adjust.


Montana. If things go the way they are looking, I'll be moving. Most likely to Montana. Michael is getting transferred and he's supposed to find out today where he is headed. And I have decided to go with him. The only possible problem is that some friends of his want to move to Montana, too. That in itself isn't the problem. I'd be glad that Michael would have some friends with him. The problem is that they may need a place to live for a while. Going from living by myself for 4 years to living with another person and another dog is an adjustment in itself. But there's absolutely no way that I could stand to live with Michael, 2 grown adults, two teenagers, two kids, an infant, FOUR dogs and some cats. I would NOT be able to stand it. So if Michael makes the decision to live with them, even until they get on their feet, I'm not going. When I say it like that, it makes me sound like I'm making him choose between them and me. Which is absolutely not the case. If I knew that I would be okay with all those people around, I would be absolutely fine with helping them out. But I know for a fact that there's no possible way that I could remain sane in that environment. I'm used to quiet. I'm used to my alone time. I'm used to walking around in my underwear. I hate interruptions and distractions and noise. And I'm a borderline insomniac. Do you see my dilema? So depending on whether this family finds a way to help themselves, I may or may not be moving. To Montana.


So there you have it. Two very big things that have been preying on my mind that I needed to just get out. I'm on shaky ground right now with my emotions. I'm fighting the stress that is trying to build up inside me. I'm taking herbal supplement type meds to help out with certain aspects of my psyche that need some fine-tuning. I keep alternating between feeling excited and optimistic, to feeling terrified and hopeless. At work I'm either pushing myself harder and harder, or sitting and staring out the window. I just really need to know what my immediate future holds. I can't prepare for it when it's unknown. I'm a coward when it comes to change until it happens. Once the change happens, I'm able to acclimate very well and adapt and adjust. But right now- when I know Emily is leaving but she hasn't gone yet- and when I know Michael is leaving with or without me but he/we haven't gone yet- this is when my anxiety comes out and parades itself down the Main Street of my mind.

Comfort food. Soup. That's what I need.

Much Love!

6 comments:

Cameron's Corner said...

Missionary time goes by pretty fast, believe it or not.

Just stay in Utah. That's my advice.

Emily Maher said...

You made me cry at work...

It's going to go by so fast, I know it. Just think- it's already been a year and a month since grandma. And I'm really not even going far. Even Arizona and Montana aren't far compared to where I could've been sent. You can just pretend I'm on vacation. We'll write all the time, and I get to call for the major holidays.

Thank you for being proud of me. :) It means more than you even know. Let's go to lunch sometime soon. I love you.

Katie M. said...

That is stressful! I think Cameron is right, missionary time does go by fast. :) It will be over before you know it.

As far as moving to Montana, that is a big step for you if everyone and their DOG moves in with you. I think it is smart that you evaluate all of your options before jumping into it.

Good luck girl! We need to get together soon...

Just Me said...

Update:
Michael was supposed to find out on Monday where he is going- and here it's Friday and they still haven't told him....
So we still don't know.

Goofy McWanker said...

Emily will be missed - you're lucky to have such a strong relationship with her. Good lord, how old is she? That just hit me...I've known her since she was a wee lass. I suspect I may find out how you feel with Emily's absence...if/when you leave! Seriously, it won't hit me mentally until only your cloud of dust remains.

Pirate Phoenix said...

I liked reading this post. I hope time flies and your sister comes back soon. :)