Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I Hate Crying

I'm at work and I'm crying. I HATE crying in front of people. I'm perfectly content with the blotchy eyes, running nose, ravaged hair and tears streaming down my cheeks (where I mutter things to myself out loud that nobody else could understand) but ONLY when I'm in my own home, alone. With nobody but Sunni there to witness me giving in to misery. I require solitude in order to fully let myself open up to the crying game. Yet it's coming now while sitting here at work and I can't stop it and I just want to run away and curl into a ball in the middle of a field somewhere and stay there for hours and hours and hours listening to nothing and no one but the birds. I am STUCK and I can't change it and I'm desperately needing a change that isn't possible. My potential has faded away into nothing and my life needs a complete over-haul. I'm sick and tired of this person and that person and myself and absolutely every damn thing in my life. I need escape that I can't get and I'm going to completely lose myself in the process of trying to keep my damn head above the damn water but you know what- I CAN'T SWIM. This darkness under my eyes is going to be a constant and I see all those people and I hate them. Where is it coming from? Where is this anger and hatred and depression coming from? The worst? The worst is the absolute helplessness I am feeling. I'm completely helpless and I can't do it alone. Every single damn thing requires me doing it alone. By myself. Be strong, right? Well, I can't anymore. I am breaking down and have myself in the maze and I'm so extremely tempted to just walk out of work right now and keep going. To grab my pursh, walk home and grab Sunni, then just keep walking and walking and walking and walking and walking. Away from here, away from there, away from him, away from me. Even if I were to beg for help, there's no help to be given. All of them are far away and the ones that are close are busy and distracted and hurried and always forget about the little girl sitting in the corner all alone and lonely, named Jessica. I'm here but nobody can see me. Or hear me. Or feel me. I just need someone to love me right now. Please? Pretty pathetic thing to ask considering that nobody even cares enough to actually read this damn thing, anyways. I mean, who really gives a shit what goes on in my life or heart or mind anyways, right?
I'm in pain.
Okay, I got that out. Now I feel better. Seriously. Crazy how that works, huh? Plus, I figured out a possible solution to the biggest problem that I'm having. Hopefully it works out, but at least it's more of a possibility than I had this morning! Basically, I NEED to move out of my place but can't afford it. I'm posting an add to find a roommate (who I will meet for coffee first to see if we "click"). If they meet what I can pay a month, then we can get a decent place and I'll be free from the evil landlady!!!! Wahoo!!!!
Cross your fingers for me.

Much Love!


Cameron's Corner said...

You SAY you hate crying, but don't you feel so much better afterward? I cry every single time I watch that movie My Life and at the end of An American Tale when Fievel finds his dad.

By the way... people DO read what you write.

The Angel of 'Deth said...

I visit your blog once a week... You know I love you girl!