I have a small admission of guilt. Not guilt in the guilty guilt way where I have hurt someone and feel bad. Nor is it guilty guilt where I have done something bad, a.k.a commited a crime. This admission of guilt is more of an automatic internal mind switch that clicks everytime a certain situation comes across my attention span. So this admission of guilt isn't me feeling guilty about anything, just admitting that I'm guilty of a particular thing. Make sense?
Are you ready for my admission of guilt? Are you sure? Drumroll please.........
Whenever I see a couple where the woman is pregnant, I imagine them having sex. Not in a "ooh, that makes me hot" kind of way. Just in a curious "I wonder if they are secretly kinky" kind of way. These thoughts do not affect me in any sexual way. They flit through my mind and then disappear. I don't dwell on the thought, nor do I want to. But honestly, it happens. I look at their faces, try to get a guage of their bodies, and wonder how many times it took. Or what the impregnating position was. Things like that.
I used to be baffled at my reaction- thinking that I was some sort of pervert for secretly imagining complete strangers naked. Until I realized that I'm not the only person in the world who does it. And then I kinda ran away from home (long story) and lived with 9 guys in a 2-bedroom apartment. We would wake up, smoke pot, watch porn, go to work, smoke pot on lunch, go back to work, smoke pot on the way home, and then once home- smoke pot and watch porn. Absolutely true story. And the absolute lowest point in my life. But at least it made me realize that the way that I imagined strangers naked in my mind was not related in the slightest to porn. When these "strangers having sex because they are pregnant" thoughts go through my head, it's never in detail and it's never dirty. It's loving. So that made me feel better.
And then I got older and my Kansas mom started talking to me openly about her sex life with my step-dad. Not dirty details, but generals. And then there came a point where even my dad talked to me a little bit about his sex life with my step-mom. The automatic reaction people have when thinking about their parents and sex is "gross!". Personally, I think it's sweet. My parents are only human. They are people themselves and though I refuse to dwell on it in detail, I think that my parents having sex is perfectly healthy and I'm glad that they do. And I honestly feel flattered that they feel comfortable enough with me to talk to me about such personal things- and that they know I'll give them my thoughts on the subject at hand without feeling akward about it.
I'm no virgin, that's for sure. But the older I get, the more important sex is becoming to me. By that I mean that I'm done with the selfish, unemotional sex. Been there, done that. Now I'm only interested in intimate sex with someone I care about. The way it's actually supposed to be. I know and understand the difference between someone loving my body and someone actually loving ME.
So I guess with all this sex talk, what it really boils down to is the following:
1- I'm actually a mature and stable adult now about my own sex life
2- Apparently I'm the one to go to if feeling the need to talk about your sex life
3- If you are pregnant, I will imagine you naked and having sex