3 of 4 OLD Blogs

Another oldie but goodie.....

December 20th, 2006

I cried tonight. I'm talking full on bawling (sp?) like a baby. Twice. I haven't really and truly cried in a long time, and in a wierd way it felt good. It's such a release, you know? It's expressing emotion, even if it's just to yourself. It's getting out all the sadness and anger and drama and trials that you have. It's beautiful. And it was all because of a book. I normally don't like books that are about love and family and serious things like that. I like my typical murder mystery, true crime or random intellectual book that creates true intellectual thought. But every now and then, I must admit, I read a girlie book. And this one killed me. And it made me wonder. Would I be a big enough person to love someone so much that I could only truly want them happy, even if it had nothing to do with me? I don't think that I could. I feel like maybe I'm too selfish, maybe I don't really know how to love, maybe I'm a bitch. But I can't imagine purposely letting someone go just because I knew that they would be happier with someone else. Is that bad? Or does that just make me human? I'm not quite sure. It was a freaking fictional book! But I still am crying. As I'm writing this. Because there are some people in this world (which as much as I'd love/hate to be, I'm not one of) that are so completely caring and loving and sacrificing that they will do anything for those they love. Including breaking their own hearts. That part of the fictional book is true. I have known 2 people like that in my life. And they are beautiful and amazing and wonderful people that I adore and admire. Yet I can't help but feel sad about that. I wish they didn't have to feel the pain of sacrificing their own selves for someone they love. They are a rarity, they are priceless antiques. They are special. And I know that though I'm special in my own ways, I can never be as beautifully special as they are. And this blog has just been random and emotional and that's how I'm feeling right now. So I'm going to go put on my pajamas and cry to my dog. Much non-sacrificial love to you all.