First off, I feel that I need to clarify something to anyone reading this. I know that it's pretty typical to have horribly harsh feelings towards someone that breaks your heart, but please don't assume that about me. Yes, Michael hurt me deeply. Yes, I do have some feelings of betrayal and anger. But please try to understand that loving him didn't just go away when he left me. The reality of the situation is that although I don't know what it is, there's a reason that he left me. I'm no perfect little angel. I'm only half a victim. He is the other half. So don't judge him for leaving me and hurting me. And please don't put me in the akward position of defending the man who broke my heart. With that said.....
My calendar of life has new entries due to the weekend. 4/18- Jeff's House 4/19- Laurie's House 4/20- Laurie's House/Dave Coffee and Drive/Family. It appears that my plan to stay super duper busy is working. It's amazing to me that I do have so many friends, yet managed to push them away in the last 7 months. I always hated when people got into relationships and forgot their friends. Ironically enough, I became that person. I didn't completely shut off from people really. I just had different priorities. It gets even more complicated when not many of my friends are friends with each other. So in order to maintain all those friendships and spend the deserved amount of time with them, I'd be busy every single day with NO time for myself, NO time for Sunni, and NO time with the boyfriend. So as apologetic as I am to people I lacked contact with, please understand that when in a relationship it's inevitable that priorities and availabilities shift. Thank you all SO much for loving me enough to take me back with open arms and no animosity. It means the world.
Now onto the torture. I have decided that as wonderful as it is to make memories, they hurt after a breakup. I wouldn't give those memories away, I just wish that they would settle down. It's like EVERYTHING reminds you of that person. In the middle of a conversation with someone, something can be said that automatically brings your mind back to your ex. I think that it's actually quite interesting what brings someone to mind. So I did a little experiment. I carried with me a little notepad thing that the lovely Rachelle gave me and wrote down things that were mentioned, billboards I saw, just anything that brought Michael to mind. I didn't go anywhere, or do anything, or look for anything that would intentionally bring Michael to my mind and I was actively busy doing things during this time. So in the space of about 18 hours, this is what I have written down: Marines, mud flap things for tires that stick out, cooking dinner, Alex Jones, "Loose Change", Apples to Apples, guns, Valentine's Day, glow-in-the-dark dice, massage oil, the South Towne Expo Center, Fed Ex trucks, Cabellas, Ikea, Chevy Tahoe, Hefeweisen beer, I-80, "Got Some" guns and ammo, 1-800-Contacts, picking up dog pooh, PF Changs, Sizzler, Liberty Park, Washington Mutual ATM, my dad, Dancing Cranes, Smiths on 9th and 21st, Red Lobster, my cell phone, magic gloves. Now let's do the math. 18 hours minus 8 hours of sleep leaves an actual awake time of 10 hours. 30 reminders of Michael in 10 hours is roughly one every 20 minutes. Do we all understand what this means? That I average one UNINTENTIONAL thought of Michael every 20 minutes. Now do you see why I refer to it as torture? I know that these things will fade in time and am comforted by that. The question that I have (which will go unanswered) is this- does anything remind him of me? Does he think about me when he sits on the truck seat cushion I bought him? When he looks at the wall sconces I gave him? The candles I gave him or the coasters I bought him? The massage oil in his bathroom? The fire pit and tables that he bought when I was with him, holding his hand? The side of the bed I slept in or the cards we played "Strip War" with? The extra space in his room where Sunni's bed used to be? The 12-gauge he showed me how to load? The new pants and shoes that he got while with me? The reflector that he sees before the stop sign? The monkey that I gave him for Valentine's Day? The empty ashtray where my cigarette butts used to be? The restaurants we've been to? The Red-Box movie rental? The Walmart pies I left in his freezer because they'd remind me of him? The couches, pillow covers or house decorations that I admired with him? The towel that used to cover me while fresh out of the shower? The microwave stand that I put together? His slippers that I used to wear? The washer that we made out on? The same washer that blew water everywhere? The dog pooh outside that is now only Mindy's? The few pictures that he has/had of me? The thought of a copper camel? The bottle of White Zin that he has when we drank the same wine for our 6-month anniversary? The movies that he got in exchange for a duplicate movie I bought him? The waterfall from Target? The big cooking pot that I accidentally left at his house? The smell of lasagna or chili? The karaoke song that he once sang to me? The provologne cheese that he now puts on his tuna-fish sandwiches? The eggs that now aren't as fluffy? The friends of his that actually LIKED me? The spiders that I would kill? The dog park? The dollar movies? The list could go on and on and yet I wonder- does he ever think about me? Does he miss me? Let's all be honest with ourselves- we DO think about these things. We wonder if they (the "dumper") ever think about us "dumpees" and if they ever miss us. We are only human, after all.
Moving on- Dave and I got into quite a few interesting discusions at coffee and on our canyon drive. One thing that we both question is why we always seem to be the "dumpee" and not the "dumper"? So we proposed a question. That question is- Is it possible to pretend to become or even actually become someone that goes against your nature? As interesting and enticing as that question is, we are taking it even further. Details are top-secret, but I am beginning a personal study on it. And to make it sound intellectual- I will share the results once the research and data are complete.
One year, Dave and I decided that we were tired of just getting together and drinking, so we started "Adventure Days". Unfortunately, things happened and we were unable to get many of them done. So we decided that our "Adventure Days" will continue this year. I'm asking for any ideas that people have that are more of a Saturday or Sunday thing, not a whole weekend thing. Here's what we have come up with so far: The Zoo, the Heeber Creeper (if still running), the Alpine Slides, going to Payson and shooting guns, fishing, hiking, um..... I can't remember any more. So anyways, if you have any ideas they'd be much appreciated. Also, for anyone with the slightest idea what I'm talking about, Evil Baby disappeared a long time ago. But have no fear, we WILL be replacing Evil Baby and it's name will be EB2. Short for Evil Baby 2. And EB2 will be sure to accompany us on our "Adventure Days" just as Evil Baby once did. (If you don't know what I'm about, either ask me or don't worry about it.)
Last but not least......I was driving home last night when I noticed that I couldn't see the head of the driver in the car in front of me. It looked funny so I giggled to myself. Then stopped and realized that I probably look the exact same way. Then I giggled again. Without the ability to laugh at oneself, life would be a sad, sad thing.