Friday, April 18, 2008

Word Therapy

I have always been able to get my feelings out and express myself through the written word in ways that I can't any other way. And though you don't know me, I know myself. I'm in need of what I've decided to name "Word Therapy". When going through a hard time, it's beneficial to "get things out" and write about it. Only then can I seem to release things. So here I begin my "Not So Personal Diary" as word therapy.
I just got dumped by my latest boyfriend, Michael. My love life has always been different than others. It takes a lot for me to give my heart someone so the length of my relationships is a bit pathetic. This last relationship lasted a whopping 7 months. 7 months is such a small amount of time, but a giant leap for myself. Yet, it didn't last. And the worst part is, I have NO idea why. It was more of a "let's take some time apart so that I can learn to communicate with you better in order to make you happier" thing than just breaking up. So for the past two weeks, I've held a pathetic hope in my heart that time was really all he needed. But with absolutely NO communication in two weeks, I need to just admit to myself the reality of the situation. At least now I can move up and on and put him into the "deleted items" box in my heart. If only he had granted me the parting gift of closure. If only he had been man enough to actually end it......
But how do we all go through the healing process? I have been alternating between sadness and anger the past two weeks and I realize that I need to re-discover my other emotions. I spent some time with my ex-boyfriend Jarad the other night. (Yes, I'm one of those people that remains friends with almost all of my exes.) We had a good time. Dinner, drinks, then went back to my place. No, people. Not for THAT. He lives over an hour away and it was late so he did spend the night. No hanky panky happened, but I did get to sleep in someone's arms again. He understood that he was acting as a subtitute for Michael. But it was comforting to know that for that one night, I wasn't alone. And then I wonder- is that the best way for me to get over Michael? By being busy and constantly surrounded by people? I understand that it takes time to get over things. But I guess what I'm asking is this- is it okay for me to start dating again? Nothing serious, just for fun. It just seems to make the time go by faster when there are other things going on. Plus, I could sure use some positive male attention right now after feeling beaten down. I hope it isn't horrible of me, but I think that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to casually date and let myself have a good time instead of letting myself be broken. Wahoo!

Okay, enough about the (lack of) love life for now. There's the Salt Lake City Marathon tomorrow and Jarad is running in it. I want to go down to the Gateway where it ends. They are supposed to have music and activities and stuff. See here:
It's supposed to be a nice day tomorrow so I'd like to enjoy it. The problem is that I have nobody to go with. I'm okay with being alone most of the time, but as I'm still sensitive I don't really want to go to a crowded place and wander around alone. So I have to make a decision on if I'm strong enough to do it right now. Maybe I'll get lucky and talk someone into going with me. Who knows? Parking is going to be a bitch, though. Guaranteed.

So I started writing little notes in a calendar when Michael broke up with me to remind myself that I'm not alone. Here's what it says so far: 04/06- The End 04/07- Laid in bed 04/08- Laid in bed 04/09- Dinner with Ben 04/10- Patty loves me 04/11- Dinner with Rachelle, Lep, Doug's House 04/12- Eye stuff, groomer, Hailey and Reid movies 04/13- Family 04/14- Movie date with myself 04/15- Read and wrote 04/16- "Date?" with Jarad 04/17- Read and wrote.
Exciting stuff, huh? Hopefully after this weekend I'll have a few more interesting entries.

I've been making an attempt at drinking water vs soda pop. Getting myself a little beer belly. It's not bad, but more than it used to be. It's more of just a pooch. Keep in mind that I'm only 5 feet tall and about 93 pounds. So it's nothing to worry about at all, but it's almost bikini season! I figure that by drinking lots of water and taking my dog on walks every night, I'll get back the old bikini body I had a year or two ago. Or at least get closer to it. Positive goals are a good thing!

I guess I could quit rambling about now, but it's so enjoyable! Bear Lake week is coming up in June and I can't wait! It's my one time a year where I can go somewhere, spend quality time with my family, relax, and have absolutely NO obligations or time-table. If I want a nap, I can nap. If I want to go down to the lake, I can go down to the lake. If I want to go hang out in Garden City, I can go hang out in Garden City. If I want to go to the cave, I can go to the cave. If I want to go to the Hot Springs, I can go to the Hot Springs. It's a wonderful thing, that freedom. And doing it all with people that are so spectacularly wonderful makes all that much better. I'm in desparate need for that this year. And then in July it's the annual B-Day cabin trip with Dave and Billy. Just the three of us in Dave's family cabin for the weekend to celebrate me and Billy's birthdays. And then in August I'm going out to Kansas for my girl Courtney's wedding and will get to see more of my family. Good times are coming, I tell you. I do have a lot to look forward to and am grateful that I have such good friends and an amazing family.

Okay, enough word therapy for the day. Don't worry, I'll be back. Therapy takes time, after all. :)

1 comment:

Raven said...

Hey Jessica!

I just wanted to let you know that I still love ya and as always I am here for you! Dont forget now girlie! We have a date on the third of May... Remember that I am always here for you and that I am just a call or txt message away.

Love ya lots!