Thursday, May 1, 2008

Are You Busy Tonight?

Calendar: 4/25- Hailey and Reid's/Dan 4/26- Hailey and Reid's 4/27- Adventure Day with Dave 4/28- Nada 4/29- Watched Jazz Game w/ Hailey and Reid 4/30- Dinner and Shopko browsing with Celeste and Brit

Yes, it's been a while. I haven't written since Friday and am now scowling internally at myself (which let me tell you, is a little hard to do) for failing to achieve my goal of pointlessly blathering on and on over computer on an internet site that nobody is actually reading. But heck, it took God seven days to make the world, right? Though I'm not sure how much that has to do with me writing blogs everyday, it at least makes me smile in comparison. Not that I'm comparing myself to God. You know what? I'm just going to shut up now. Sometimes I need to remember that some of the things that run marathons in my head should just stay there. Ah.... bliss.

Anyways. Dave and I did a sort-of Adventure Day on Sunday. Mini golf, the Gateway, a movie. I sometimes forget how fun it is to sing loudly in a crowd of people, to pretend to be asleep in the tents at Dicks Sporting Goods, to hit my golf ball off the course over and over again, to just relax and HAVE FUN. Which actually brings up a point that I will discuss later. First, I want to thank Dave for feeding into my craziness and not being embarrased when I say or do something that is so completely off the wall. In fact, he actually seems to genuinely enjoy it. Moving on, we were at the Gateway and everything was closing but we weren't ready to call it a day yet. That's where the movie idea came from as it was just about the only thing open. Wanting to find the NEXT movie as we didn't want to just loiter around a closed shopping center, we only had two options. One, we'd never heard of. We inquired about the "plot" of the movie from the gray-haired older gentleman at the ticket counter. He read us the description which all I heard was "Accountant" and "Sex Club". Sold! He then mentioned the other movie that was starting immediately which just happened to be "Leatherheads" or whatever it's called. Trying to go for the shock value, I proclaim loudly "I'd take a sex club over football ANY day!". Dave laughs and quietly informs that ticker-seller dude "That's why she's with me." And then guess what? To my surprise and pleasure, the gray-haired-older-ticker-seller-gentleman-dude looks right at me and without blinking an eye asks "Do you have a sister?" Ah- a like minded spirit! Just another reminder that you can't judge a book by its cover, first impressions aren't always correct, assuming makes an ass out of u & me, or any other cliche sound bite which may apply. The gray-haired-older-ticket-seller-gentleman-dude was not what I expected him to be, and I love him for it.

Back to my point that was mentioned in the above paragraph: I think that it's entirely possible to love someone and be exactly who you ARE without hiding pieces. I think that it's wonderful when you meet someone that you don't need to hold back any part of yourself from. I think that's the way it should be. And in thinking back, I realize that there WERE parts of myself that I never exposed to Michael. He never got to see the crazy singing in a crowd of people Jessica. He never got to see me just let my hair down and act and react with no holds barred. Michael was a fun person in his own way. But he was never really the crazy attention-grabbing fun that I truly like to be. Because of this, I never felt comfortable saying certain things or doing certain things when I was with him. My jokes always fell flat, so I quit telling them. My spontaniety always felt forced, so I quit being spontaneous. And I find that quite sad. I realize that I was usually on my best behavior with him in the fear that if I let it all out, he'd reject me. I think that in itself shows one main underlying issue: I FEAR relationships. Not only am I horrible at them, but I FEAR them. A huge part of that, I admit, is my own feeling of self-inadequacy. Obviously, that's something that I need to work on internally. But another part of it is the complete distrust. I don't feel comfortable putting my full trust into a relationship as it always ends up in the inevitable position of me yet again nursing my broken heart. But here's the complete irony: Do we maybe think that one reason I end up nursing my broken heart time and time again is that I DON'T put blind faith into the relationship? But then again, that's just a Catch-22. Putting blind faith into a relationship hasn't worked in the past so I became a little hardened. But NOT putting blind faith into a relationship doesn't work either. And if I had put blind trust into my relationship with Michael, would that have actually changed ONE thing about it?... Can we all say "Stuck" in unison? Ah.... back to the single life I go, merrily merrily all the way home.

My goodness- I'm sick and tired of analyzing myself and analyzing relationships and analyzing where I went wrong with Michael, but I can't seem to help it. Though it really makes me feel like I'm in back in high school to be concentrating so hard on a guy and dating. To fight the good fight, I'm moving on for the day.....

So I have come to the conclusion today that I, personally, control the weather. Now don't all rush me at once with your weather requests, it doesn't work like that. It works like this: In waking up today I decided that as I'm rebellious by nature, I refuse to wear shoes. Yes, it was snowing and raining. But as I stood there contemplating my footwear for the day, all the regular shoe shoes were sticking their tongues out at me (PUN INTENDED). A glance at my flip-flops shows that they were anxiously waiting to be worn with their open manner and playful attitudes. So in spite of the rain and snow, the flip-flops won the mental coin toss. And as I look outside my perch on the fifth floor of my office building, I can see the sun shining. Yep, I control the weather. What a glorious adventure this will be.....

Here's just a cute pic of Sunni after playing in the snow this winter before I turned her into a nudist via the groomer. I felt like making my blog a bit more personal so will try to throw in a picture every now and then. Gotta challenge my creative side, don't you think? I apologize for the poor quality of the picture itself. My over three-year-old phone just doesn't compete with the newer and more excitingly technological phones people have these days. I have been qualified for a new phone for a while, but why fix what isn't broken? My old phone is like a good friend or old lover, we've been through a lot together. Hahaha!

Dave and I have recruited his hilariously funny brother Joey to join us on our Adventure Days. If you think Dave and I can be crazy on our own, just Watch Out! Good times of not caring what people think are on their way. If only I didn't need assistance with not caring what people think......

Okee dokee, pokey. I had better be signing off for the day as I've got me some work to do. Then home for wonderful night of eating ice cream and watching chick flicks with my baby girl Sunni. Ah, the simple joys freedom can bring.

Much love!

1 comment:

bstringd said...

Are you busy tonight? That was a fun day. What theme are you thinking we should have for our mini-golf course? Haunted house? Stay tuned more adventures coming up! (I just hope my joints don't limit me.)
I love you girl.