Thursday, May 22, 2008

The "Thing"

I knew it. That "thing" I mentioned below that happened on Sunday turned out to be just another thing to add to the list of things I've done wrong in my life. The "thing" was this: Michael and I went to grab some coffee on Sunday. Where during the day and on the phone in the evening, he pretty much declared his undying love for me, that he misses me, that he can't see himself with anyone else- you can imagine the rest. Now a SMART person would remember how he left things earlier. With not even a full "goodbye" and then pulling a disappearing act. See, a SMART person wouldn't want to set themselves up for further heartbreak. I suppose I'm not one of those SMART people. I told him that I can't just jump right back into where we were, but that could start over and if he wants, he should ask me out on a date. He did and our second first date (get it?) was set for tonight. WAS being the past tense. Apparently, hauling his friends camping stuff to where they are all camping this weekend is more important that rekindling a relationship with me. I don't rate on any priority list for him. Isn't that nice? Doesn't that make you happy for me? On Sunday after we got off the phone, I cried. I cried because I knew that I was putting my heart in danger again and it scared the living shit out of me. It seemed too good to be true that Michael wanted to try and work things out with us and see where it lead. And it WAS too good to be true. I do appreciate that we were able to talk and temporarily make a possible chance for a possible future. And I do appreciate that he didn't just not show tonight for our date, at least he let me know ahead of time. But it makes me realize that I'd never come first with him. I'd never be the girl that he'd sacrifice for. I'd never be the girl that is his everything. I'd never be the girl that he is willing to do things that make him just a little uncomfortable for. I'd never be the girl that he opens up to. I mean, if after all this time of us being apart and him coming back to me, you'd think that something would have changed from the first time, right? But I guess it would just be the same thing all over again. I did tell him that I'm not completely writing him off, but that I can't put any more energy into it. That if anything happens in the future with us, he is going to be the one to make the effort. So here I sit, realizing that it's a little sad that I let the same man break my heart twice in two months in different degrees. So either I'm just a dumb girl that keeps going back to the same man time and time again, or I'm an optimist that thinks that things can really work out, or I'm a weak person that can't say "no" to the man that she loves, or........ I'm just praying and hoping that he doesn't let it get to the point where there is absolutely no chance for us whatsoever. I guess pathetically enough, I haven't given up all hope. But at the same time, I can't sit around waiting for things to happen. I have my life and will embrace it for what it is. I can honestly say that I know myself and like myself. So as sad as Michael makes me sometimes, I am stronger because of it. And if nothing comes of our "relationship", then at least I can say that I did everything I could to make it work. I tried my hardest and if nothing comes of it, I will have the satisfaction in knowing that I stayed true to myself and didn't settle for being treated less than I deserve. Any future with Michael rests solely in his hands at this point. So I guess the question is- Will he use that power? Or let it fizzle out and die a slow death? Only time will tell and until then, I'm living my life.

So I emailed my mom to talk about the above situation and she sent me an email with funny anti-men sayings on them. I'm posting them here:

The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with men. ~Lupe Velez

God gave us all a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time. ~Robin Williams

The only difference between men and boys is the cost of their toys. ~Author Unknown

There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance. ~Author Unknown

Men are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with. ~Author Unknown

Did you hear about the baby born with organs of both sexes? It had a penis and a brain. ~Author Unknown

I wonder why men get serious at all. They have this delicate, long thing hanging outside their bodies which goes up and down by its own will. If I were a man I would always be laughing at myself. ~Yoko Ono

Three wise men - are you serious? ~Author Unknown

If they can put one man on the moon why can't they put them all there? ~Chocolate Waters

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs. ~Madame de Staƫl

Sometimes, Mothers know just what to do to make you smile! Haha!

So good news on my friend Jarad. He just found out today that he got the job he'd applied for and wanted really bad in Seattle! Yes, it's sad for me that he's moving but it's going to be such a good thing for him! I'm excited for his new adventure. We are going to celebrate this weekend somehow. It's funny because I have the entire weekend AND Monday off and I usually have tons of plans on weekends. But this weekend I don't have anything except for my sister's CD release party on Saturday. And I'm actually looking forward to having so much time to do whatever I want with. Granted, I'll hang out with Jarad and am supposed to get together with Rachelle at some point and Hailey and Reid want me to go with them to Jim and Mary's for hot-tubbing. So there's plenty to do, but nothing officially planned. I'm just going to play it by ear.

Speaking of my sister's CD release party- I'm so excited!! She is going to be playing her songs from her CD (one of them she wrote for little old me) and mingle and hang out. It's at my parent's house and I invited a ton of people. Most people are going out of town for Memorial Day weekend, but I do know for sure of 8 people other than me that are going, at least for a little bit. It's going to be so exciting to see my sister in all her glory. She's got amazing talent, seriously. And NOT just because she's my sister as I'd love her music even if she was a complete stranger.

So I've been thinking about something completely off the wall today. Jack the Ripper. Do you think that he's such a infamous guy because he was never caught so there's the mystery about it? Or do you think it's because his crimes were so extremely violent and bloody? Stabbing and mutilating is such an attention-grabbing thing that it just jumps out at you. But really- would any of us even have heard of this murderer from 1888 in London if they ever found out who the perpetrator was? I don't think so. I'm actually wierd in the way that I really like reading about true crime and serial killers and all that. But not only recent modern ones in America, but serial killers from other countries in other time periods. So I actually may have read about the killings if there was an "end", but I highly doubt that as many people would know about it if he was found and punished. Sorry, I know that was really wierd but I've been thinking about it today for some reason.

Anyways, I gotta go.

Much love!

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