Sunday, November 2, 2008

Ask And You Shall Recieve

In my Arizona/Kansas post, I talked about the possibility of moving to Montana with Michael. And as I'm sitting here looking out the window on a dark and dreary day, I am sharing my immediate future with you all.

Michael has friends. Friends that I previously discussed. The story is this: months ago they were having financial problems and were in danger of losing their house. Michael sat down with them and worked out a budget with them as a way to save their house. All they had to do was follow it and they would be okay. But buying new guns and alcohol is a priority, apparently. Their house is getting forclosed on this month. And they want to move to Montana with Michael. Like I stated before, I simply cannot live with a household of people. It would seriously be almost a gun-in-mouth situation for me. So as stated earlier, I told Michael that I cannot live with them.

Michael has chosen to move to Montana with them and leave me behind.

So for those of you that wanted me to stick around Utah, your wish has been granted.

I'm a little heartbroken. But I'm also a little uplifted. I put my life on hold for the last couple of months. Yep, put my life on hold for Michael. So at least now I can have my life back, right? I can do what I want to do without having to worry about him. I can rediscover myself on my own terms. And that's not a bad thing.

I can't lie and pretend that everything is okay. It's not. I am being left behind and that's something I never thought would happen by Michael. But I suppose you can never really know somebody.

I just need to remind myself that it's just one person. Not every man cheats. And not every man stomps all over your heart. Not every man hurts. I need to keep that in focus to prevent myself from completely giving up.

And now I find myself homeless, yet again. I'm fighting tears and I'm fighting the desire to give up. I'm fighting myself for control. I'm fighting despair. I'm fighting for my sanity and I'm fighting for ME.

One day at a time.

I cannot and do not hate Michael. He is making a decision the he feels is right and I cannot fault him for that. He wants to help his friends and I think that's admirable. I just get tired of being the sacrifice of someone else's worthy cause. I get tired of being the one left behind.

I am not a spiteful person. And I do not hold grudges. I hope that Michael is making the right choice for himself. I hope that he is happy and is able to enjoy life. Sincerely.

If you ask me if I am alright, my answer is: I WILL BE.

Much Love!


Katie M. said...

Oh, Jess! I really am sorry. From previous conversations with you about Michael it seems like he is always about putting his friends first. And being in a relationship, I think your partner needs to come first. I'm sorry.

Call me if you want! Let's go get dinner or coffee soon. On me! Loves.


elbie said...

i'm sorry you're having to deal with such a stressful situation.. you're a strong girl and you'll persevere. if i see anything around for decent priced apartments, i'll let you know.

Just Me said...

Katie- Surprisingly enough, Michael was actually much much better at that lately. I guess it just became too much for him, huh? And I absolutely agree that your partner should come first. Dinner or coffee you say? I'm down!

Linds- Thanks, darlin'! And any apartment hunting help I can get, I'll take.

Goofy McWanker said...

You're my inspiration, Wess - that's right, the guy that doesn't date. For my own selfish reasons, I am glad that you'll be staying around. You'll get your chance to fly away some day, I know this.

Courtney said...

I'm so sorry Jess. Does this mean you might reconsider moving back to Kansas?