Monday, November 24, 2008


Today I am here to admit that I am affected. This statement will be explained.

While growing up I have been friends with many people that are fascinated by Astrology. You know, your "sign". It's always been a small interest of mine, but nothing that I've ever believed in to the extent that it's fact. I believe that every event in life, every situation you experience, and every day that goes by changes people. I believe that dreams cannot be explained as not one person on this world thinks that same as another. Our minds don't match anyone else's mind. Because of this, the way we see the world and the way we react to changes that occur are different. Which means that no matter what your "sign", no matter what you dream, there's no chance that it's ever going to be just like your Astrology chart reads or the dream books tell you.

I am a Cancer. The homebody, sensitive one that hides behind her shell. I've always thought this description was funny and didn't match me as generally I have no problem sharing my thoughts or feelings. If I am mad at you, you know. If I am happy, you know. But the more I think about it, I realize something. The one situation that I DO hide is sadness and depression. I'm not sure why. Maybe I feel like it's not my place to share this in the event that it brings someone else down? Maybe I don't feel that people deserve to be let in when I'm sad? Maybe I feel like it makes me vulnerable? Whatever the reason, I don't show my sadness very often.

I don't cry in front of people. I'll talk about situations in my life with a straight face and dry eyes and act as if it doesn't affect me. But as stated in my first sentence, I am affected. And today, I am sad. My dear blog readers, I'm letting you in. (It's easier to do anonymously anyways.)

I'm sad and a little bit lost. I'm not to the crying point, I'm not to the breaking down point. I'm mostly just feeling like there's something weighting me down. Like something needs to be done or undone. My friend Lindsay stated in her blog that she feels like something is missing but she doesn't know what. And I have to ditto that sentiment.

Part of it is because since July, I've been through such dramatic ups and downs that I'm struggling to find my place in this world again. Part of it is that I put my whole heart into Michael and now that's toppling down. Part of it is that I'm a creature of habit and when nothing is stable, I get all twisted up inside. Part of it is that I'm not creating anything or producing anything or making a contribution to the world. I go to work, go home, watch movies, go to bed. Repeat. Repeat..... Repeat.............

I'm extremely looking forward for this week with Thanksgiving and then this weekend with time off work. My family has a magical way of making me feel like I'm part of something bigger and greater. They heal me. So I'll get some healing time Wednesday and Thursday with the family. And then I'll have 3 days of no work where I fully intend on doing something for myself. I'm not sure what yet, but I really need to do something that makes me happy and reminds me that times get better.

I am sad and I am affected. This is the truth.

There is also another truth. My mantra. I am loved. No matter what, I am loved. Put the mind soundtrack on repeat. My mantra exists, as do I. I am loved. No matter what, I am loved.

Much Love!


LT said...

There was a guy who lived a long time ago. He went through some pretty serious ups and downs. He came up with a prayer that I love. There is a line in it that goes: 'grant that I may not so much be loved as to love.' Don't doubt that you are loved, but focus on the 'to love' part. When all else fails, I find that service to others is hugely beneficial to me. It takes me out of my head and lets me feel useful.

elbie said...

you are most definitely loved... my thoughts are with you and i hope this thanksgiving with your family helps you find some grounding.

Goofy McWanker said...

If anybody can cheer ya up, even if only momentarily, it's that family of yours. I feel that because of the people you do surround yourself with, you aren't truly vulnerable (even if you feel as such) because these people would never judge you or manipulate you in that state and if they do, they have no business counting themselves among your people.